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Succumbing to the grandmother role
Filed under: Just For Moms, Relatives
Every weekend, I look forward to reading the Guardian's Family and Relationships section. Each time I visit, I find something timely and well-written to share with Blogging Baby readers. This week, Anne Bentley talks about the relationship between mothers and daughters, as they each get bumped up a role to grandmothers and mothers.Bentley's mother, Mavis, was a mere 49 when she was to become a grandmother. Mavis had a hard time accepting the fact and refused to be called Gran or anything like it. Bentley talks about how this upset her, but through conversations with friends she realized that though being a mom is trendy these days, being a granny still brings forth images of knitting needles.
Another big difference in this relationship is how we no longer rely so heavily on our mothers for support for childbirth and rearing. Many of us live a great distance from our parents, and in modern relationships we rely on our partners to pull their share. Something that was unimaginable when our own parents were raising us.
My own mother was quite happy to transition to grandmotherhood. She falls into the Mrs. Doubtfire type grandmother role quite naturally. I was the one who refused her staying with us after the baby was born, much to her diasappointment. She stepped in regardless, washing my dishes and clothes, stocking my freezer with casseroles. I will never forget that. I can't imagine getting through those early days without her help.
My mother-in-law, who is considerably more hip and active, probably had a harder time when her fitst grandchild appeared on the scene while in her 50s. But much like Mavis, before you know it biology and love kick in and being called Grandma doesn't sound so bad after all.
What's your experience been? Did you, or your mother, go happily into the grandmother role? Or did you find resistance to the idea? (Can't wait to see what our resident Rebel Granny, Ann Adams, has to say!)
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
1-14-2007 @ 7:05PM
Amy said...I'm not there yet, but I can't wait! Our oldest is 16, so it'll be a while still. I think it'll be great to have the best parts of parenting without the sleepless nights. We also look forward to giving our kids a break with their kids that our parents don't give us.
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1-14-2007 @ 7:23PM
Mayo said...My mother ran sprinting into the role of a grandmother at 58. She's "Moma", more mom, to my oldest (my youngest can't speak) and adores taking acre of the boys. She says that out of all her grandkids, these are the only ones she hasn't felt like a mother to. Mine are the youngest, all my other siblings are much older and their own children are my age. So she's enjoying being Moma.
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1-14-2007 @ 10:23PM
ann adams said...Your own resident granny was sleeping through the Chargers game and trying to stay warm. California has turned frigid and the Valley is supposed to hit the 'teens tonight.
I was a grandmother at 35 when my oldest daughter had her son. We were on opposite ends of the country so I didn't get to see much of him or his brother until they were a little older.
I spent a lot of time with my son's three kids. First we all lived in San Francisco (he was in the Army) and when I moved here to the San Joaquin Valley, they followed close behind. I actually got to be grandma. I could spoil them and send them home; the traditional role of a grandparent. My younger son is here too. I tell them next time I won't leave a forwarding address.
I don't see as much of them as I did. They're all teens and lead very busy lives but they have a brand new baby brother which makes up for it.
And then I have four grandchildren who live out of state and three "steps" here; all teens.
At least that's traditional enough.
Now we move on to the greats. They're the "girls" I'm always talking about, my oldest grandson's three girls. I was great-granny at not quite 56. The younger two have always lived with me and I've had custody of all three since 1996.
It's all too common among grandparents these days; less common probably with great-grandparents. It's a long, rather sad, story and it's on my blog sidebar for anyone who's interested.
So back to the topic. Would I have chosen this life? No. I took early retirement and envisioned a quiet life after leaving the city, possibly a little travel, and doing what I wanted to do. Would I decide differently if I had it to do over? No. It was me or the system and that was unthinkable.
In many ways it's been great and I can't imagine my life without them in it. Rebecca is the youngest at 11, Rochelle just turned 12, and Elcie will be 14 soon. If I can hang in there, I'll have accomplished something although not what I originally planned.
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1-14-2007 @ 11:26PM
Judy said...I love my mum but she is - and always has been - incredibly vain. When I was pregnant all she did was talk about how upset she was that I was making her a lola (grandma). She was 47 and I was 26 when Kaitlyn was born. She was there when I gave birth but she avoided us for over two months after . . . she REALLY had a hard time. She cried a whole lot any time anyone teased her.
I can't wait to be a grandma. I know I still have a LOOOOOONG way to go but apparently it is supposed to be a whole lot more fun to be a grandparent. You get to do all the fun stuff and then hand them back when they poop or cry.
Now that Kaitlyn is just a bit older and suuuuuper cuuuute she loves taking her out and showing her off to anyone who will pay attention. My mom is so weird.
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1-15-2007 @ 9:46AM
Ginny said...My mom thinks the terms "Granny and Grandma" make her sound "old". She prefers "Grandmother" which I think sound just as old. lol But, a couple years after I had my babies, my sister's eldest had a baby, so now "Grandmother" is "Great-Grandmother".
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1-15-2007 @ 10:22AM
Monica said...My mother had some kind of crazy competition with my Nana(Dad's mom). When I was born Nana was 40, so my mother decided that meant she needed to be a grandmother before she was 40. As it happened my son was born just before her 41st birthday, but that was not the planned timetable :-) He was supposed to be at least 10 years younger than he is.
For me, well, I'll be 40 this year, and while I have no trouble with it making ME look old, for my kids sake, I hope they wait at least 5 or 6 more years until they finish university before they make me a grandmother.
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1-15-2007 @ 10:49AM
punky said...My mom was 42 when she became a grandma. She is an incredible grandma too. She throws herself wholeheartedly into it, just like she did with motherhood, and she is so sweet with my toddler. However, she felt like she was too young to be called grandma and wanted to be called something cooler and younger sounding... "nana" or something like that. My daughter is a stubborn little thing and got it into her head to call her "granny" instead. No matter how hard my mom tries to teach her different words for grandma, my daughter refuses to call her anything but granny, which my mom thinks is the oldest and stuffiest sounding one of all. It took a little while, but my mom started laughing at herself about it and has embraced being "granny".
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1-15-2007 @ 4:13PM
Messed Up Mama said...The only problem my Mom had about being a Grandmother for the first time was her age, she was only 39. I thought I'd be older when My first Grandchild arrived but I was 39 when he showed up. Mom enjoys being "Grammie" to my 3 boys and my Grandson, who just turned 8. I'm Grandma, for lack of any other creative ideas on my part.
MY Grandmother told me once, "It's not my own age that makes me feel old, it's the fact that my daughter is a Grandmother that does it." She lived long enough to see Great-Great-Grandchildren. My Mom's oldest sister's son's daughter's first two.
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