Don't hit your kids

Anyone who hits his kid is monster. Not only he makes mental wound for child, but also he proves himself he is strong. He can hit anyone. But he doesn't point, that he hit just a small, weak kid. All of them monsters

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This is really a hot button issue. I was abused as a child and vowed never to hit but my wife spanks our oldest daughter.

One thing I have come to notice is, if you have nothing to do with your children outside of hitting them. They are going to grow up bad.

We have friends who view their children as inconveint. They have little interaction with them, outside of the fathers obsession with his sons sexuality, and hit them when they get in trouble. (which being unsupervised is often) I am willing to bet they just might grown up and kill their parents.

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What's with the "he" used in post #1? Like women can't be abusive as well?

Besides, there is a big difference between giving a kid a spanking and abusing them. It's irresponsible to say "And if you know of someone that is, report them".

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Spanking is hitting, and it's just plain wrong. While it might not leave the same "scars" as other kinds of physical abuse, spanking is a big cop out. I'm pretty high strung and can lose my temper but I will NEVER spank. I feel guilty enough the few times I've yelled. Spanking really does nothing to correct the behavior. Even when some parents say "I only spank when they do something potentially dangerous" could find better ways to parent.

I think poster #1's first language isn't English, so give her a break with the "hes."

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Cheers to Michelle (above poster) who says "Spanking is hitting." Semantics really make no difference here. WWW.Stophitting.org has wonderful statistics and other information for anyone who is curious. We have committed to nonviolence in our home.

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I grew up in a small Georgia town. I went to school and church with a family that had 4 boys (the second son was my age). Their father carried a small (12 inch) paddle in his back pocket all of the time. If the boys got 'out of line' he would take them aside and swat them a couple of times on their rear ends with the paddle, the discipline was swift, fair and appropriate. Then they would rejoin the group and we would continue whatever we were doing. At the time, my parents and others said what a terrible thing it was that he would humiliate those boys like that. They all grew up fine, all went to college and professional school. All have long successful marriages and happy children. One is a Veterinarian, one a Physician, one a Dentist and one a Lawyer. Swift, fair, and appropriate discipline is far better than none at all.

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Sounds like a bunch of bleeding heart leberals! Spanking a child is not abuse. The problem with the children of today is that they have no limits and they run over thier parents. Please pay attention to what is going on around you.

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I am 33 and my father spanked me when I got in trouble, therefore, I didn't do things that got me in trouble. The kids today don't have parents that hold them accountable, and they grow up wild and walk all over people or authority. There is a HUGE difference between spanking and child abuse.

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Spanking may or may not be a cop-out. But not spanking can also be a cop-out. Every child needs discipline that works. Spanking is one of the things to try with a child who doesn't respond to more politically correct forms of discipline. (I can say that a swat hurts less than a mom's hysteric screams, having received both). It is far better to try spanking with a wayward child than to just let him/her run wild. If you are nevertheless committed to "nonviolence," then know that you must work extra hard to ensure your kids are not missing out on discipline. Lack of discipline is child neglect and it is getting more and more common. Guess what: a screaming, brat / disrespectful, destructive youth / inconsiderate, lazy adult has an attitude only a mother can love. Do them a favor and nip those problems in the bud.

Of course, abuse is something completely different from discipline. Discipline is about helping children reach their potential, while abuse is about the parent acting out. The latter is what gives kids low self-esteem and related problems.

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I don't hit my kids, but I have screamed at them. I probably scream at them at least once a week (my husband isn't home during the week which makes it tougher to be a calm parent). I don't feel proud of it when it happens. But I also don't feel morally superior to people who react by hitting. Basically I don't hit because it would be harder to enforce my constant message about using our words rather than our bodies to solve problems. But we all lose control sometimes.

I also agree with the post in #8 that a calm in control slap on the bottom could be better than a situation in which the parent loses control without hitting.

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There IS a HUGE difference from spanking your children and abusing them. I, along with my three siblings were all spanked when we were children. I don't feel abused, I don't have any mental or psychological problems stemming from it. Myself and my siblings have all "made something of ourselves". I feel no hostility, anger, resentment or any other negative feelings towards either of my parents.

I have also spanked both of my children. I guess that makes them abused, like I was. And hopefully they will also be respectful to other people, honor their commitments, work hard to achieve their goals, and love life. Maybe my kids, like me, will take responsibility for their own actions, good and bad.

Spanking is not abuse. A spank on the butt is far less harmful than yelling angry and hurtfull things at your child. After all, isn't that psychological abuse? But I guess a life time of low self-esteem and lack of self-woth is much better than a backside that stings for all of 30 seconds.

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"Of course, abuse is something completely different from discipline. Discipline is about helping children reach their potential, while abuse is about the parent acting out. The latter is what gives kids low self-esteem and related problems."

Ding ding ding! You've nailed it on the head.

SKL wins the thread!

Abuse is a parent being reactive, not proactive. Though, spanking is a reactive mechanism too, IMHO. Of course, most parents who use spanking as "discipline" use it as a complete and total last resort, but I still wouldn't call it "discipline".

As a child of abuse, I will say that abuse leads to self-esteem issues, which in turn, do lead to negative coping mechanisms (drugs, violence, addictive behavior). Abuse begets abuse. How does one stop the cycle?

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I.....am.....going....to...spank....my...children...because....it..is...not...abuse! I was spanked as a child, some of them were a little worse than others BUT I appreciate them now. I think of all the little brats out there whose parents think it's cute to just put their kids in a corner for writing on walls, biting, not doing their chores, slapping their teachers, and not doing as they are told. It's not cute when they get older and grow up to be jerks to everyone because they are the ones with the finest things because their parents are killing themselves to give their kids WHAT THEY WANT and not WHAT THEY NEED. (no this is not everyone)But this is what's happening where I live.
People don't see what goes on behind the kids who dress in the best's door at home. Mom's working 3 jobs just to keep up a rediculous fad. They can't say no, because they have gotten everything they've ever wanted and begged for.
My favorite verse comes up though...Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him!!!! Thats all FOLKS!

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I am happy to say that as a father I never hit my son. The reason? He is now an adult. He is 6'2". I am 5'10"!

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I hate how every thread about the effects of child abuse gets derailed into a spanking debate. Trust me, I am far more worried about the kids who are beaten, verbally and sexually assaulted than I am about the kids who get spankings.

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I do not believe in abuse but I do believe in spankings. Matter of fact I was raised on spankings and I guarentee you that I am no where near a menace of society nor am I depresses or twitching from flash backs.

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There is a MAJOR difference between spanking, hitting and beating. I was spanked as a child and it has left no mental or physical scars. That is because my parents explained why I was punished. It taught me right from wrong, and I'm sorry but when you're an adult and you do something wrong your boss doesn't say "Well you've been a bad girl/boy go sit in the corner and think about what you have done". They don't spank you, lol, but you do get into trouble and if you’re not shown that as a child you're going to be shocked when it happens as an adult. Time out, WITHOUT consequences doesn’t teach right from wrong, IMO. There are different personalities out there, and depending on which one you have, depends on how different situations affect you. It doesn’t make you weak if you feel abused if you were spanked (I’m not talking about those who were actually abused, i.e. bruises, broken bones, physical scars)as a child, it just means you are very sensitive and needed a different approach to teach you what you did done wrong. It also doesn’t mean that if you learned from those spankings and are going to use the same technique with your children, that you are a monster. Thank you very much Katrine.

One side of my family use spankings as a last resort, we give a warning, we give a consequence and if that doesn’t work then spanking it is. The other side of my family does not believe in any form of spanking, time out is the only form of punishment given. There is no explanation, just go sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done. Any type of punishment, yelling, taking away privileges, etc. is viewed as stifling a child’s potential and not letting them be kids. I can honestly say, that the family that spanks have better behaved, more successful and happier children than the other side. This is not because I am on the spanking side, it is the truth. My cousins who were never spanked/punished have been in and out of jail, do not have steady jobs, and struggle with being an adult on a daily basis. On the other side, there are doctors, lawyers, accountants, you name it that have never been in trouble with the law, who have stayed with their career choice even during the hard times, and are very successful. With that alone, I am convinced that spanking, as a last resort, does work, if it is done correctly.

Beating is when you leave marks and bruises or break bones every time you spank your child. Abuse is when you don’t care that you hurt your baby; you don’t feel any emotion and do it whether they are good or bad. Spanking is not abuse if it is used the right way. As a parent you have to find what works for your family and for each individual child. A few hundred yeas ago, what we call abuse would have been welcomed, because punishment was cruel in those days and was not seen as wrong. Not that I agree with that kind of punishment, just making a point. If schools are allowed to swat misbehaving students and that isn’t abuse then why is it called abuse when a parent swats their child? And am I wrong but wasn’t there a study done not that long ago that said the whole “Spanking doesn’t teach” concept was wrong because kids today are more out of control, having harder times getting through school and more difficulties succeeding as adults because they were given no consequences? If spanking doesn’t work for your family, then that is great, but it works for mine and I would appreciate it if people didn’t call me names, because I show others respect by accepting their parenting techniques.

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Just wanted to speak up as someone who was spanked, and I DID have resentful feelings towards my parents because of it. As an adult, I can realize that my parents spanked because they didn't know any better and that's how they were brought up, but I still regret that they utilized violent (and yes, I believe any form of hitting, even spanking or small "smacks" is violence) discipline; even though it wasn't very often, it deeply affected me, and it damaged my relationship with my parents as a child. They also yelled a lot, and I think that's also a really horrible way to relate to your child.

We never ever use physical punishment of any kind for our daughter, and I never raise my voice to her. Maybe we're just lucky that she's been a great kid, very polite, respectful, compassionate and fun to be around, or maybe she's that way because that's the way she's been treated her whole life.

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Our original rule was spankings were reserved for "putting yourself in danger" moments. For example, the child disregards your isntructions not to run out in the street. The problem was our son lived for the thrill of danger. After about 3 spankings we decided this was crazy and retired that method of instruction. Now we just torure them by taking away Elmo.

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I have certainly known kids who are so sweet they never need a spanking, and others who are so sensitive that a spanking would do more harm than good. Hopefully parents can be sensitive enough to know if their kids fall into these categories. Unfortunately, there are many other kids who need to know that you are WILLING to spank if they get out of hand.

My experience with parents who don't believe in hitting (where their kids are not of the above sweet / sensitive variety) is that eventually, their little brat gets so out of control that the parents lose it - whip them, scream at them, whatever. Wouldn't it be better to stop the bad behavior sooner with a moderate, predictable punishment?

Another observation I'd like to make is that a well-disciplined kid is generally a HAPPY kid. He knows just what the limits are, manages to have lots of fun within the limits, and knows that mom & dad are happy with that behavior. When deciding whether to cross a line, they can weigh the pros & cons (I might have fun but if I get caught my butt will get smacked) and make a reasoned decision.

On the other hand, kids that are allowed to walk all over their parents tend to be insecure, whiny, and difficult to satisfy, aside from being disobedient. They know they are not pleasing their parents, yet have no concrete idea how they can please. Moreover, as they grow up, they are unprepared to deal with real-life limits.

My mom used to comment that she hardly ever spanked, but the mere fact that we knew she WOULD spank was enough to keep us in line for the most part. Were we afraid to cross a certain line? Yes. Was that a bad thing? I don't think so. As noted by other posters, we all grew up to be successful, well-rounded taxpayers, while our more coddled friends got into various kinds of trouble due to their insensitivity to "right" vs. "wrong."

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