How to respond when kids say annoying things
Categories: Development
My daughter is already learning what to say when she wants to get me riled up. She's 2 1/2, and already, whenever I ask her to do anything she doesn't she's not interested in, I get an ear-full of "I miss my mommy! I want to see her right now!" And then I ask, "when you're with your mommy, do you ever ask to see daddy right now?" To which she inevitably responds: "No!"
According to Melanie Warnick at Parenting.com, the six most annoying things kids say are: mine; it's not fair; you're not the boss of me; I want it now; you never let me do anything; and I don't like you. There's a couple phrases on that list that I sheepishly remember using on my parents.
The article gives some common responses, and then suggests more constructive ways to address the issue. For instance, one fed-up Virginia mom responded to an "I don't like you, I want a new mommy" jab by telling her son that he could go live at his new mother's house in the morning -- but without any of his toys. Warnick reminds of experts' common sense advice: don't take it personally. By responding in kind, you might undermine your child's trust.
That's not to say it's easy. It stings every time my daughter says she's rather "be with mommy" -- but if I give in, or let her see that it bothers me, I have the feeling it'll only get worse. And besides, I'm sure she won't really hate me until at least junior high.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
LS 1-19-2007 @ 10:12AM
This is one of the reasons to vow to be your child's parent, rather than his friend. As a parent, you expect to hear the "I HATE you!!" phrase at least once. As a parent, you know it's not true, and you can respond as an adult (My mom's response, the one and only time I said that phrase, was "that may be so, but I will always love you". It completely shut me down). It may hurt, but you know the child's outburst comes from anger or frustration, and you can maintain your sanity. If you are your child's "friend", that's when it cuts, that's when you respond from the same level that your child is coming from, and respond with a hurtful quip.
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Baba 1-19-2007 @ 11:34AM
My son doesn't have tantrums or hit, or the like. When he does get mad, he says hurtful things, like "I don't like you" or "You don't love me." To echo the previous commenter, responding calmly and telling your feelings seems to help, "It hurts my feelings when you say that," "I love you no matter what," etc. Sometimes it helps right away but often only in the long run. With my son, these types of verbal jabs have steadily diminished.
On the parent preference thing, my son was fine with me (stay-at-home dad), and sometimes affectionate. But, for years, when Mom was home, it was all her. Even if he was hurt and Mom was at the other end of the house, he would get MAD if I tried to comfort him.
I knew, though, that he was just a child, a victim of his own mysterious emotional impulses. So I was just patient and regularly hugged and kissed him whether he invited it or not — though NOT when he DIDN'T want me to. It paid off. Now he is 4 and is very affectionate with both of us.
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daisy 1-19-2007 @ 12:01PM
Maybe, when she says she'd rather be with Mommy, say something like, "Well, I'm sorry to hear that because you're with Daddy right now and I love you very much." Or, "Are you missing your Mommy right now? I'm sorry, honey. You'll see her soon. Daddy loves you very much." Or (if she's mad because you just corrected her), "Hmm. It sounds like you're mad at Daddy."
Basically help her give names to her feelings.
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Carol 1-19-2007 @ 7:04PM
At two and a half it is unlikely that she is purposely trying to hurt your feelings...it's important to remember that having parents that are seperated is incredibly difficult and confusing for very young children, and if she spends most of her time with her mom, chances are she is genuinly just missing her! OR maybe she feels more comfortable with her mom when she's in a difficult situation/being asked to do something she doesn't want to do. You should try talking to mom about it and see if she has any ideas, and try to remember that the mom/child bond is very special and not something to be jealous about. Good Luck!
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Nancy Toby 1-20-2007 @ 9:13AM
There's a good discussion of this in a book that I recommend: 1,2,3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. Bottom line is that you can't really expect reason to apply to a preschooler, and you might want to just ignore these comments and not react to them, and/or discipline if they cross the line into rudeness or disrespect.
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Jeremy G. Schneider 1-31-2007 @ 11:49AM
The parental preference thing is something I call, "The Mommy Do It Test." It is a phase that often happens when children are toddlers and they spend more time with one parent (usually the mother) and less time with the other (usually the Dad). Our children get so used to the person who usually takes care of them, usually takes care of their wants and needs that they only want that person with them, only want to do things with that person. I think it is more of a test than a statement of real feelings for the Dad because if he is persistent and the mother is supportive, he can "prove" he can meet the wants and needs of his child just like Mom can - maybe differently, but just as well.
Thankfully, with persistence and teamwork between parents this test can be easily passed.
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