Growing up without men

I think in order to change what you're talking about, the culture has to change. I see a LOT of posts and commenters here on Blogging Baby who *seem* to think it is normal and natural and even healthy for a woman to decide to have and raise a child all on her own without the participation of a man other than as a sperm donor. If they're wealthy celebrities, they're even applauded for it, it seems.

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My idea comes from first-hand experience. We need better marriages. One way I stacked the deck in favor of a good marriage was by saving sex until marriage. I had moral reasons and practical reasons for doing so.

Through my dating years, I was dumped plenty of times because I wouldn't put out. Once the guys figured out that I wasn't just talking the talk, I was walking the walk, many of them took off. They didn't break my heart...I'd never given them my heart nor convinced myself that I loved any of them. My friends seemed to fall in love with guys too easily and quickly to justify sleeping with them.

My current husband was one guy who didn't push sex...not that he wasn't willing. He just didn't push it and showed great respect for me and my values.

It wasn't the sex, it was the respect. A guy who was strong enough to put sex on the back burner definitely showed good promise.

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I am also a Metro Morning addict and I agreed with some of the things the professor from Rutgers had to say. As a high school teacher in a predominantly Jamaican school, he was bang on about a lot of the behaviours seen in children without a father and it is scary stuff. I felt annoyed with Andy who seemed coy about the likely dangers of not having a father and wanted to tell him not everyone shares his point of view. My father left when I was 19 and I assure you, despite every effort on the part of my mother, extended family and family friends, there was still significant and long lasting emotional fallout that has followed myself, my brother and my sister into our 20s. I cannot imagine how little support many women have when their partners leave them. Whether we want to admit it or not (perhaps because it leaves us feeling a little TOO PC and I mean the Stephen Harper kind of pc) marriages that last are key to a child's survival in so many ways. I recently reread Stephen Leavitt's book, Freakonomics, and because I'm expecting our first in April, I paid close attention to the part on whether or not parenting is valuable in terms of a child's later success. It's scary stuff when you consider the factors that actually matter. Check it out, when you get a chance.

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Well, I think it is more along the line of the fact that we are all here to talk about parenting and our children and we all have different backgrounds and situations. And that is ok.. We shouldnt have to hide or be ashamed of anything.

I agree, culture has to change. How about changing that some people whose life took a different path than other's seem to think that THEIR way is the only right way.

Of coruse it is normal and natural to DECIDE to raise a child all on ones own.. if that is where the situation leads.

It really isnt as though a man, married or not, can be forced to participate.

This is the solution in a nut shell -- raise your boys, if you have them, to take responsibility for their actions and stop putting all the blame on the females.

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I believe that it is better for a child to be raised by a father and mother IF they both are participating equally. In the case of alcoholism, addiction or other problems, it might be best if Dad was NOT in the picture. As they say, "It takes a village to raise a child." If the birth father is not fit or absent due to death, separation or divorce, uncles and grandparents should step in to provide a male role model. If not, Big Brothers organization was created to fill that role. Later on they developed Big Sisters becoz some mothers, while not absent from the child's life, were too busy or impoverished by divorce or separation to do things with their daughters. I was a "Big Sis" once and that's how I know.

Bonnie

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Studies have shown that boys need a father-figure to emulate, preferably in the home. They want to copy a figure of strength. If Mom is that only figure, the boy will grow up copying her, effeminate, with serious gender issues. How's that for a gift for your son, single moms?

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We need to all take the responsibility of raising our children. Of course, it would be great to have both parents in the home. If not,then try to teach our kids to try and wait to have children after marriage. Raising children alone is very hard. You have to be Mom, Dad, and teach everything. You have to give up a lot of things, such as your own relationships to stay home and parent. The child also seems to grow up lonely with out that other parent. You just do the best that you can to help them get through it.

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What if the dad is around, but doesn't do anything? He's not a druggie or an alcoholic - just totally uninvolved in the child's life and leaves everything to the mother when it comes to raising the children - and I mean everything! Is having a father around who does nothing for his children other than provide financially better than not having him around at all? What kind of an example is he setting? Sometimes I think we'd be better off without than to have one here who does absolutely nothing to help. It sure does make it more frustrating on my end - I figure if I'm going to have to do everything like a single parent, then I might as well BE a single parent.

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I think arguments showing the "consequences of not having a male role model" come frighteningly close to arguments against lesbian couples having children--homophobia at its finest. I'm not sure you intended this, Nadine, but you should be more specific if you didn't. There's a difference between families whose father walks out, leaving an unprepared single mom and lesbian couples who are raising children with two active, loving parents. There's also often a difference between families whose father walks out and women who chose to become single moms, going into it aware and prepared to make up for any real or imagined shortcomings of this state. (See below on Rosanna Hertz' book.)

Most of the lesbian couples I know (my partner and I included) make a point to bring men into our lives (uncles, grandfathers, donors, etc.) as examples for our children. At least one study has shown that because of this, sons of lesbian couples tend to have _more_ male role models than those of straight couples. Growing up without a father does not mean growing up without male role models.

I also find the comment about boys growing up effeminate to be laughable. First, if they grow up effeminate (read: gay), so what? Second, the idea that a mother cannot be a "figure of strength" is ridiculous. Looking just at my own family, I'm a black belt in taekwondo; my partner is a former military officer. Not to mention the strength we need to raise our family in a society still biased against us. There's plenty of strength here to go around.

In her recent book, _Single by Chance, Mothers by Choice: How Women are Choosing Parenthood Without Marriage and Creating the New American Family_, Rosanna Hertz shows that women who choose to become single moms also make great efforts to include men in their lives. Hertz is no lightweight: she is Luella LaMer Professor of Sociology and Women’s Studies, and Chair of the Women’s Studies Department at Wellesley College. She explains:

"It is not that [single mothers] believe that men provide a critical difference in perspective that women cannot supply; it is more that their very presence signifies the continued importance of men in our culture. Single mothers are seen by the larger society as threatening the social fabric by making men outsiders to family life. In response, women seek out the presence of men for their children, with the emphasis on that mere presence rather than particular behavior models or skills. . . . they want their children freed of gender stereotypes, but at the same time they do not want to fully reject the idea that difference between men and women may exist."

For my full review of Hertz' book, see http://mombian.com/2006/09/06/book-review-single-by-chance-mothers-by-choice/

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I think that in today's world, the most important role of a father figure is to show sons AND daughters how men should treat women (and vice versa).

There are many other benefits of having men in children's lives, but these can be given by uncles, friends, etc.

As a woman who is "single by chance" and will, through adoption, become a "mother by choice," I am already planning for ways to fill the gap that potentially exists in fatherless families. Because I am sensitive to the need, I think my (girls only) are not likely to be worse off than the average girl.

Although I do not make light of the importance of men in children's lives, I will say that I've known both well-adjusted kids of single moms, and mal-adjusted kids of married parents, so it is really an individual thing. I've noticed that the outcomes are influenced a lot by (a) moms having heart-to-heart talks with their kids about important things like self-respect and priorities and not making the mistakes they've made; and (b) a strong support structure - grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. - who love and value the child.

I do believe it is empirically true that, all things being equal, a mom and dad is better than only one or the other. However, all other things are not equal. If a single mom has lots of brains, is mentally and financially stable, has tons of experience, maturity, and patience for bringing up kids, and has great family ties and strong friendships, these advantages can more than outweigh the disadvantages and make for a great situation, on balance for the child. At least there are no worries about spousal abuse, dad disrespecting mom, dad minimizing his family responsibilities, dad's bad attributes rubbing off, divorce and all the issues that go with that, dad and mom fighting about the kids' discipline, etc.

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Hi, Kudo's to anyone giving there all to raise a kid on there own or even with a partner. I'm a single dad 24/7 for my 12 yr old son. My son has many friends from single parent families. Most kids are with there moms it seams. I'm a scout leader and avid outdoorsman (hiking ,biking ,fishing,camping, hunting, water activities anything outdoors) I make it a point to include as many kids from those single parent families that I can. I pay special attention to those kids in hopes of making a difference in there lives.Most of there dads are to busy or out of state it seams. So if you don't have an uncle or brother rolemodel for your kids, seek out scouting or sports.In all actuality we have lady leaders in our troop as well, and I think my son gets the other perspective on things from them that I hope will give him a well rounded look at things in life. Good luck to all and remeber if a kid doesn't have a smile, give him one of yours

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This subject hits me really close to home. I grew up in two parent home, except I was raised by a step father. My biological father commited suicide in front of me when I was two years old. My step father legally adopted me when I was three. Thankfully he took an active role in me and my siblings lives and treated us all as if we were his. I myself am a single parent of three. I have a girl who's 5, and 3 year old twin boys. My children's father was a drug addict, and is currently in prison for robbing three banks. He was in and out of my children's lives since my daughter was 5 months old. I constantly tried to work things out since he was the father of my children and you always hear of the problems children have being raised by a single parent. He was from a single parent household himself. His mother never really disciplined him and his father couldn't care less. He was out of control at an early age, and nobody did anything about it. I believe if his parents would have stepped in at the first sign of trouble, he would have turned out differently. I came to realize that I would rather have children live with one happy parent, then two miserable parents who cannot get along. I am lucky that I have an extremely strong support system. My family, friends, and my children's paternal Grandmother are very involved in my children's lives. It is very hard being alone with 3 children so young. Their father left us in a very bad way. I was the breadwinner for the family, he did not work. I am now out of work due to a back injury. Before my children's father left he stole everything he could from me and my children, money, video games, televisions, dvd's, even my car. He left me with $25,000 worth of debt due to his criminal ways. I am telling you all of this beacuse it is not always a parents' choice to raise their children alone. I did what I thought and still think is and was best for my children. My daughter was having a hard time and is in therapy, my boys' are starting to act up as 3 year olds do, but beacuse of the circumstances, they will also be starting therapy. It is horrible to go to my daughters' preschool for a father's day celebration and she is the only one there without a father. Sure plenty of people go, my father, brothers, even neighbors who are close to her try to fill the void, but it's not the same, and it tears me apart. I can only hope that when she grows up she understands why he wasn't there and doesn't turn against me. I am very lucky that when my boys get out of habd and will not listen to me I can call one of my brothers to walk down the street from their houses to mine and talk to the boys and get them to cooperate with me. Not all single parents have such a vast support system and I do not know how those mothers deal with it all on their own. I deal with the stereotypes of being a single parent everyday. Especially when I bring my daughter to school. People take pity on my children and they shouldn't. My daughter talks about her dad being in jail and doesn't understand why people look at her with shock when she does. How do you explain to a 5 year old who has a dead beat dad that her situation is not normal? I do the best that I can. I just want people not to automatically put a stigma on children from single parent families. I speak freely about my situation because I know I am not a bad person, and people should not judge my children beacuse of the actions of her father.

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Wow! What a powerful subject. I myself find I am a victim of "falling through the cracks". I am the youngest of five girls, each with our own version of what life turns out to be when growing up without 'daddy'.
I have 3 daughters myself now. And while I didn't make the best choices for them being here, I don't see how I could ever live without them. The father of my 2nd is Dad to them all. It's not a conventional family, and it's certainly not perfect , but's it is a good family.

posters:
3,6,9 right on!
1 good that worked for you
2 well, everyone's got an opinion..
4 PUH-LEEZE!
5 of course
7 I can say alot about that, too! He seems to come around tho.
8 you go girl!
10 I feel for you. Better days are coming for you. Karma's on your side. {smiles}
11 you're a trooper!

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I think that a mother and a father should never ever get married or live together with children if they are hateful or disrespectful to each other. What would that teach the children? I do agree that all children should have a mother and father figure in their life. Doesn't mean that they actually have to be the mother or father of the child. Any relative or close family friend the child can trust, confide in, and do things with is just as good, so that the child(ren) gets a balance of male and female role models in their upbringing. The importance of both types of role models for children is to learn from adults how to eventually be an adult.

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I would like to know why when a woman is in a bad relationship, she keeps having children. When the relationship is not working after #1, it's not going to after #2 or #3. Is it really just the fathers fault if the mother gets pregnant knowing that the man does not want to be father? Yes, I know he should wear a condom, but shouldn't the woman be equally responsible, rather than just pointing her finger at the good for nothing that got her pregnant?

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Personally, I think that while abstinence until marriage could make the marriage have a deeper level of intimacy, it does not mean the marriage will last. Both of my Grandmothers were virgins when they married in the early 1940s. They both married men who became alcoholics and abusive husbands and fathers. One divorced and one separated, both becoming single mothers at a time when that was much less acceptable. I also happened to wait until marriage, but my marriage is based on much more than that, including my husband's decision to be a wonderful husband and father to his children (unlike my grandfathers).

Abstinence can be a wonderful thing in addition to other important values and decisions about marriage, but abstinence alone will not guarantee a marriage will last or a spouse will never cheat.

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In response to comment number 14 by Amy. Most "dead beat" men do not act like dead beats at first. They know how to manipulate and act the part of a loving, involved individual perfectly. My children's father went to rehab and seemed to clean up his act and started acting like a good man. Until he moved back in. My children's father wanted and I believe still wants to be a father, but he does not know how to. He did not have a good example when he was growing up. He is an individual who has, since being in prison, been diagnosed as bipolar, manic depressive, and having serious abandoment issues. As you can imagine, his mother is racked with guilt. In retrospect she now sees the signs that he had problems as a child and hates herself for not getting him checked out at an early age. As far as continuing to have children after the first doesn't work out. I was on birth control with all of my pregnancies. When I was not on birth control, before my first child, I had two miscarriages. I took my pills the same time everyday right before I left for work so I would remember. My doctor always jokes about it, how using birth control I get pregnant, and not using it I don't have full term pregnancies. Not all women have babies to "trap" men.

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To the last two posters....

Isnt that the truth....

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Johanna. Maybe I was using myself as an example. I got pregnant at a young age by a drug user, alcoholic, general dead beat. I did not get pregnant again by him! Must be some higher power wanted you to have your kids. For myself, I stopped having sex with, and LEFT the jerk, so that I could move on with my life. I never said woman try to "trap" men, I think women think a man will change when they have babies. Some get lucky, most don't.

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Amy I was in no way coming after you in that post. I just want people to know that there are two sides to every story. Too many people say that the woman should have just left, unless you are in a situation like I have been in and you have been in, then people do not know how hard it is to get out. These kind of men are experts at what they do. I know you never said anything about trapping men, but I know plenty of people who see it this way and I just want people to understand that us women are not to blame and neither are our children. It is sad that there are so many single parents out there, but people should not look down on us or feel pity for us. People in a good relationship ahould thank their lucky starts that they have a good family and a good man or woman in their lives to help them out. I believe eveything happens for a reason and there is a reason I am alone with 3 small children, and there is a reason I had these children. I am so glad that you, Amy, were able to rise above your situation and had the good sense to leave. I am done with my children's father. He is in prison and still bothering me. He keeps taking me to court to try to get visitation of the kids, but I do not believe prison is any place for a child to go to see their father. He had a chance to be a daddy when he was out and he didn't take it and you cannot be a father from prison. I do make sure that I do not in any way bad talk my children's father in front of them. I think too many women in bad experiences talk bad about the dead beat who left them in these situations. I want my children to come to their own assumptions about their father not have me poison their minds and someday risk them turning against me.

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