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The temptation of projection
Filed under: Your Pregnancy
My best friend Carrie is pregnant. And while I am totally thrilled that one of my close girlfriends is going to be a Mom (so far, I am the only parent in my group of girlfriends), I have had to bite my tongue on more than one occasion.
At dinner the other night, Carrie was expressing her desire for a natural birth: no epidurals, minimal intervention, no c-section. And while I nodded and chewed my salad, I had to forcibly restrain myself from dispensing unwanted advice:
- Oooh, Carrie, don't say you don't want an epidural just yet, you can't fathom what you might need in an experience you cannot possibly understand until you're there.
- Don't shut out the possibility of a c-section, because it's always there, and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment.
Instead, I nodded and said,"Good for you, you're strong and clear-minded and you can do it."
"You know, it's disconcerting,"she said,"how many women want to tell me how I shouldn't make those decisions because I don't know what I'm in for. It's so irritating when Moms purse their lips and look at me pityingly when I ell them about my intentions."
I was even more glad I'd kept my mouth shut. I don't know what it is about the experience of pregnancy and childbirth that makes me want to spew endlessly about what I went through, what it's like, what I think, because it's so entirely irrelevant to a pregnant woman. Each of us is different, each woman will have a different experience.
I can't help thinking of my friend Janet, who told me (when I was 8 months pregnant) that labour was the worst pain I could fathom times 200. While I was in the midst of ripping, rocketing labour, I remembered of her words silently and thought, sometimes truth doesn't help one's cause. And so I will continue to keep my lips locked and filled only with lettuce.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
1-30-2007 @ 5:27PM
Melinda said...>>don't say you don't want an epidural just yet, you can't fathom what you might need in an experience you cannot possibly understand until you're there.>>Don't shut out the possibility of a c-section, because it's always there, and you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment.
Reply
1-31-2007 @ 2:54AM
Weetzie said...Why do people feel the need to pick on womens' birth choices? Saying anything along the lines of "don't say you want/don't want/ X or Y because you don't know what might happen/the possibility is always there/things could turn out differently" is just silly. If I say I WANT or AM PLANNING for an unmedicated birth, of course "the possibility is always there." But I am expressing how I WANT things to go. I am not proclaiming I'm going to defy the laws of gravity, re-orient the sun, or correct continental drift. I am expressing my preferences about what will happen while I am giving birth. Me. My birth, my PREFERENCES.
What, are women not supposed to think about or plan for their births at all because "anything can happen?" Because "the possibility is always there" of things not turning out how you wanted?
If that is true, then people should not say things like "I'm going to work now," because YOU NEVER KNOW, you could be hit by a truck on the way there and not even make it to work so you shouldn't try to plan these things.
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1-31-2007 @ 9:06PM
Tanya Espanya said...I'm halfway through my first pregnancy (age 36) and I'm definitely a drug supporter. I also take headache medication which seems to put me in a minority.
I've been getting a lot of grief from my sister, mother and others because I am leaning towards the epidural.
I've yet to hear someone tell me about their root canal or other procedure done with no pain relief.
Why is wanting pain relief seen as some kind of 'you're not a real woman' thing? I still haven't heard a good explanation for why I should accept pain.
I'm having my baby in a hospital, with trained medical staff, in a large Canadian city. I support and believe in our medical system.
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3-03-2007 @ 10:53PM
Sara Denomme said...I am so proud of all of the comments I have read here! Way to go all of the mama's who birthed unmedicated, lived to tell the tale and love to tell the tale. I am part of the club as well - and I love telling mommies-to-be how empowering it can be to trust yourself to do what your body is made to. My story is here: http://www.freewebs.com/lanugo/letstalk.htm?blogentryid=933902
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3-04-2007 @ 12:00AM
R Biernesser said...hmmm...I'm all for the giving birth without drugs and with drugs...
If someone asks me what my opinion is on the matter, I tell them to do what is right for them, BUT do not sign "no" to the no drugs thing on the paper work you fill out. I say this b/c you need to have all your resources available if something goes wrong.
A good friend of mine just gave birth to her second child, and that sweet little thing tore her insides out and lost 6 pints of blood and she almost didn't make it (even heard her dr tell that to her husband). I mentioned this b/c it goes to show that every pregnancy is different and you or your partner might have to make choices at the last minute and you NEED to have all available resources.
Now, let's have some babies!!!(I"m pregnant with my third :P)
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