Don't tell your kids they're smart

I think the "you're so pretty" comments to young girls might be a little more dangerous, myself.

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I agree with the sentiments but I'm guilty of both "smart" and "pretty", especially on the days when they're feeling dumb, ugly, or both.

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I guess I should stop telling my 2 year old that he's the smartest and most beautiful boy in the world.

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As someone who was always told I was smart and who hates risking mistakes, this really rings true for me. It's hard not to do it with my kids, too, though. Thanks for posting it.

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Nancy, I think you might be right with that. I once lived with a woman who had a young daughter, probably about 5yo. She was selling candy or raffle tickets or something and asked me if I would buy one. She asked nicely enough, but her mother called her over and told her that wasn't how to ask, she should bat her "big brown eyes" at me to get me to buy it. Not surprisingly, she grew up and got pregnant as a teenager.

I'm not too worried about that with Sara; I'm more likely to compliment her for climbing up somewhere really high and dangerous than going on about her looks. (Not that she isn't gorgeous, mind you, but she's much more my little Monkey Girl than a princess-type.)

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I completely disagree.

Girls *need* to hear that they're pretty from their parents (fathers, especially). They should also hear about their natural smarts, their good work ethic, their superior physical agility and any other thing that you can honestly praise them for. (Boys should hear compliments on all of their positive attributes, too.)

Imagine being a young lady and figuring that "even my dad never told me I was pretty. I must be a real dog."

Praise should never be restricted to just one attribute. I used to be very athletic, with a nickname of Monkey MySurname. I've suffered some injuries and am no longer fit and active. If I didn't know of my other strengths, I might feel lost or useless now that my body doesn't do what I want it to do anymore.

Kids need all kinds of genuine praise. Genuine is the key. They don't need a running commentary on how wonderful they are (I don't know a parent today who doesn't fall prey to this one, even occasionally). They need to hear accurate (if rosy) assessments of their *everything*. This world values good looks. Your kid should feel as if he has at least a little of that.

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The one thing that a kid can never lose (as they can with good looks and athletic prowess and even smarts) is their *kindness* to others. It's something I always try to catch my kids doing and make sure they know that it's wonderful and ever-lasting (if they pay attention to it).

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I don't know, I don't like praising kids much anyway. I think even the most well-crafted bit of praising can come off sounding rehearsed and hollow after a while.

Instead, I work on other sorts of positive feedback, mostly showing lots and lots of interest. As in "You look like you had fun painting. Sure used a lot of purple. Is that your favorite? And you made the flowers purple - do the flowers smell nice? Can you tell me about them?" It takes longer, and it's more work, but in the end I, at least, feel like I've said something more real.

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It's all about balance. Everyone has a mixture of innate strengths and weaknesses, and everyone has a mixture of controllable strengths and weaknesses. I would put more emphasis on the controllable strengths and "areas for improvement" first of all. And an occasional compliment about innate strengths is healthy - as long as it's honest and balanced with what's really important. Unbalanced praise, like unbalanced criticism, will lead to an unhealthy view of the self.

Also, it's a bad idea to focus the child on what others (besides Mom / Dad) are saying about him/her. I knew a mom who would ask her daughter, "did any boys (in KG) tell you today that you were pretty?" You guessed it, she was an unwed mom by age 17.

I agree that a daddy (or other male role model) should tell his daughter she's pretty on a regular basis (but in a natural way, not as a separate topic - "hello, pretty girl, what have you been up to?") - what it really means to her is that he's happy to see her and proud of her. Every smiling child is beautiful, after all!

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All of my mother's kids have amazing egos, or as we like to call it, lack of confidence problems. I don't remember my parents praising me directly, although they often told me that they were proud or happy I was doing well in school... I do remember hearing them tell their friends about me. "Cheryl is doing very well at school, and she's very good at the logic problems she plays with her dad."

My parents encouraged all of us to reach higher than expected. They didn't limit us to our grade level at school. That freedom to explore our interests and the freedom to succeed was golden. Now, we're all confident, self-assured, self-satisfied adults.

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I agree with Sandyone.

I completely disagree with not giving praise. I fyou aren't there to give praise, who is? It seems heartless to me. I tell my daughter she is beautiful and smart every day of her life and will always. I truly feel that way and I will never hesitate to let her know that this is how I feel about her.

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You know I was thinking about this one last night, and I came to the conclusion that really what this is about is that praising a kid does nothing to teach them about what it means. I tell my 2 year old all the time he is a "good kid", he is, but what the heck does that mean to a 2 year old? I want smart kids that challenge themselves, but if I only praise the label and not the actions that make them smart they will never learn what I am asking of them.

My sister and I have agreed in the past that we had goals given to us that we tried to meet, but often we were not sure how to meet those goals. Part of being smart is knowing how to get there, and that to me is the real message that I am taking from the article. Teach 'em how to be smart, and reinforce the behavior.

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I think it's important for children to have confidence in their abilities. In this regard, telling a child they are smart allows confidence in young children to build. Instead of focusing on whether or not saying this is appropriate, maybe the focus should rather be on providing enough guidance and scaffolding to challenge your child. At age five, it is crucial to build confidence, create a strong environment for social development, and enhance cognitive abilities. It is possible to ensue a sense of confidence without blatently saying "you are so smart." Instead try asking your child to explain the process, or help them make new discoveries through open ended commenting. It really works out well!

Overall though, telling a child they are smart helps them see you are proud! I think it's okay every once in a while!

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that is garbage if u do something easy or not u would like it to be recognized. If you stop praising your childs ability and accomplishments won't that make them stop trying altogether?? I say do what feels good to you cause in the end your child will feel good too.

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