Help! I've got a 'tween!

by Heather Craven (Subscribe to Heather Craven's posts) Feb 23rd 2007 6:00PM

Categories: Kids 8-11, Teens & tweens, Development, Media, That's Entertainment

I have a budding 'tween child in my home. My daughter Cassidy is nearly ten years-old, but I often wonder if she is actually going on 16 or 17. Lately I find myself sending her back to her room to change into a shirt that doesn't reveal her bellybutton when she raises her hands in the air. I know part of this is due to the fact that she is growing at an alarming rate and many of her shirts no longer fit correctly, but I know that the other part of it is due to the societal marketing of sexiness to young girls.

Everywhere my daughter looks there seems to be a message that sex sells, and she wants to eat it up with the biggest spoon possible. The Disney Channel features young girls wearing way too much make-up as they flounce about in form fitting, body revealing outfits while they flirt with boys. The magazines in the grocery stores show those same girls on their covers. The cosmetics aisles at Target have a special section with bright, fun flavored make-up marketed just for this age group. And that is precisely part of the problem of marketing to the 'tween population, it all looks like so much darn fun to this age group. My daughter seems to believe that if she globs on some bright, watermelon lip gloss, slithers into a tight shirt and sparkly pants that all will be good and fun in her life. What isn't good and fun is her mother who repeatedly says, "No way. That shirt is too small. Those pants need to be higher on your hips. Nine year-olds do NOT wear make-up to church."

I am not really sure how to deal with the 'tween issues other than to exercise patience, establish boundaries and be prepared to exhibit those two tools over and over, day after day. What about you and your 'tween? Any suggestions?

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Comments (13)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

R. 2-23-2007 @ 6:20PM

My 'tween is not quite eight, and we've been having more trouble with her adopting the 'tween 'tude (eye-rolling, constantly contradicting even on the most trivial matters, etc) than with what she wears.

I buy all of her clothes. When something gets too short or too tight, or if she receives something cheesy as a gift or as part of a goody bag at one of the endless makeup-related sleepovers she attends, I get rid of it while she's at school. I'm a big bi*** that way. Problem solved!

I should note that she never seems to notice. She really is a sweetheart and is still, thank goodness, about 80% little girl.

Jalestra 2-23-2007 @ 6:55PM

Well, to fix that you have to talk to other parents and demand a change in marketing. When you put your five year old in a thong bikini because it's "cute", what do you expect when she's 15. You can't put the breaks on NOW. Not that you did that, but I mean, many parents do now. Yes, some of those see through shirts ARE adorable, but not on my kid. I have a tween and a 3 year old girl and we're going for consistency. You don't have to dress like a nun, but I won't have you running around like a tramp either lol But that's what I heard ever since I had a girl. "Oh, but it's so cute" and all I can say is "Not going to be near so cute at 15".

Ann Adams 2-23-2007 @ 7:03PM

Oh. My. Gosh. How about three of them?

Elcie is actually an official teen, the other two are 11 and 12.

I buy their clothes still but that isn't the end of it. Somehow they can make a perfectly respectable outfit look hootchie when I'm not looking. I usually catch them on their way out the door with their blouses tied into halters and their jeans yanked down. I found one of them wearing 4 bras (she barely needs one) to give herself more of a bosom. It's hard to maintain effective discipline when one is rolling on the floor laughing.

I don't like school uniforms but I'm very glad the school has a reasonable dress code.

We've reached a compromise on makeup. They can wear a little on weekends or special occasions. Then we have to define "a little".

I can remember doing much the same thing although I was a little older. The cardigan sweater turned around as soon as I got to school and the hidden Tangee lipstick. The girls may be my mom's revenge.

Just remember who is running the show. It's not the 10 or 11 year old much as they'd like to think otherwise.

LS 2-23-2007 @ 7:09PM

I don't have a tween. I was one, once, and I have a neice who was one a few years ago. I remember that lip-gloss, "please can I wear makeup" age. My mom and my sister-in-law, both seemed to be pretty levelheaded about the whole thing. We (myself, and later, my neice) were allowed to wear the "makeup" in moderation - I had strawberry Bonnie Bell that I thought was just the coolest stuff. I wore pretty clothes, but still modest, and if anything was ever too revealing, it managed to just vanish from my closet.

I think the biggest thing is to remember what it was like to be that age. Not saying that you have to cave, and be the "friend" parent, but a little lip gloss, or a little eyeshadow for a special occasion never hurt anyone. And when she's taught to wear it properly and classily by Mom (and not trashily, by her friends), it turns out that the teaching and learning can be pretty fun.

LS 2-23-2007 @ 7:13PM

Ok, Ann... now my monitor needs cleaning. I just spit ice water all over the screen. 4 BRAS????? Crack me up!!!

Ann Adams 2-23-2007 @ 8:57PM

LS, you should have seen this elderly granny's jaw drop. One of the bras was even padded. I didn't buy it, she didn't buy it, and it will forever remain a mystery where it came from.

I laughed, she giggled, and then I told her to remove 3 of them. We compromised on 2 (without the padding).

I agree with remembering what it was like. I'm just a little surprised I still do.

Stephanie 2-23-2007 @ 9:12PM

The bra thing reminds me of a story my aunt told me. She was injured while with her friends at the park when she was about 12 years old, and her greatest horror was not that she could have died, but when the paramedics discovered that she was wearing 2 girdles under her pants. She was so embarrassed!

Christine 2-23-2007 @ 10:37PM

Holy Moly mine is about to turn 10.. our compromise on make-up is that she can wear it on the weekends and no red lipstick/nail polish and no mascara/eye liner.

Clothes, the compromise is that she can ick out what she wants... but I have veto power that way she isnt forced to wear anything she doesnt like... but I dont have to look at anything I dont. HAHA. Oh... and only one animal print item per shopping trip... or else she would have a closet full of camo and cheetah... hahaha.

Tweens... fun stuff!

Ann Adams 2-23-2007 @ 10:38PM

My mom always told me to make sure I was wearing clean undies in case I was in an accident. Sure, and you think those undies would stay clean in a wreck?

Good night y'all!!

Jessica 2-24-2007 @ 7:51AM

I don't have a tween. I just had to comment to Ann Adams, though. You made my day, or your grand-daughter did, I guess! That was absolutely hilarious, 4 bras!!!!!!!!

Clarissa 2-24-2007 @ 1:24PM

It's all in how you raise them. Start young and you will have nothing to worry about. If you dress them like little hookers as babies, then you can bet they are gonna want to do it as pre-teens and teenagers.

My daughter is 11 now. We went shopping for a new outfit for her the other night. She picked out a really sweet blouse. When she tried it on..ut oh...more revealing than we thought. She said mom I love the shirt but it shows too much, I'll find another.

I was very, very proud of her. I have been teaching her modesty since she was a bout 4. I've told her often enough that she can dress pretty but still be modest and classy. That when you wear tops that are tight fitting and skirts that almost show your hinney, you are dressed trashy, and when girls dress trashy that they get treated trashy by guys.

She is now starting to wear a bit of makeup, but not that bold junk in the "tween" isle. I bought her good makeup in very pale colors and taught her how to use it. When she does wear it she always asks me if it looks ok.

The one thing I can't stand is the people who make their little girls look like grown women. A perfect example is some of the beauty paegents. It's just aweful and teaches those girls vanity.

Jill 2-24-2007 @ 2:42PM

I knew my sister had some "training" bras that had been passed down for my future use. But when I decided to start wearing them I was too embarrassed to admit it so I only wore them under sweaters AND, I never sent them through the laundry! I'm sure someone would have eventually smelled me out!

Lee 2-25-2007 @ 4:30AM

It's certainly not the children's fault that they are so preoccupied with makeup and sexy clothes...it's the media and commercial world who are exploiting our children. I'm not a vicious person but the people responsible for marketing this crap should be boiled in oil. Do they want their daughters looking and acting like sluts? Some do not. And the ones who don't care about their own children or who don't have children will have to meet their maker someday and I pity them.

Our daughter just turned 11. She has had virtually no TV exposure and seen about 5 movies in her life and no news! We are not living on Mars. We're not fundamentalist Christians or fundamentalist anything (maybe vegetarians). We're Waldorf parents.

Our daughter has been in a Waldorf school since pre-school and can't wait to get back each Monday. She's constantly working on creative projects or reading or learning to play another instrument or teaching younger children to knit or play the violin. She has a vivid imagination that is not spoiled by the media. She seems to love each day. She does not seem to want to be anything but herself and does not wish she were older. She has no interest in makeup or makeovers or flirting with boys...she has learned that her worth is inside and not in her looks--the content of her character, as MLK said.

Despite feminism, girls continue to be exploited in this culture, and it's time to take a stand. Boys have other problems to deal with, but are just as oppressed. I had a miserable childhood trying to act tough when I didn't feel tough. I didn't know at the time that I could just be myself and I'd be as good as anyone.

My wife and I will take a little credit along with the school. But most goes to our daughter who has a heart of gold and a soul filled with joy.

We need to work together to change this society. Read Mary Pipher, Carol Gilligan, others. Also go to Dadsanddaughters.org. Lots of folks care and don't want the greedy toy and cosmetic industry to harm their children or their neighbor's children anymore. We can't ban the bad stuff. We need to educate. Let's go!

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