Does adding a second kid change everything?

by Kristin Darguzas (Subscribe to Kristin Darguzas's posts) Mar 30th 2007 8:00AM

Categories: Newborns, Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Fun & Activities

For a variety of tenuous reasons, I'm not in any position to add to my wee family any time soon. I'm zooming toward 32 and most days I think that Nolan will probably be an only child. But I'm still interested in reading about women who are thinking of adding a second baby to their families, especially when they have a toddler around Nolan's age. Honestly, it feels like I was pregnant yesterday and I am continually shocked to see a little boy stare back at me when I look at my baby.
Linda at Purple is a Fruit has a son a few weeks younger than Nolan and she and her husband are in the process of trying to add to their family. Linda's brain is wired like mine in so many ways, and I understand her feelings of hesitation, of wondering whether she is really ready to have a second. I know I would feel the same way.

In her post yesterday, she recounted a "doomsday" conversation between her husband and his lunch companion, where the companion insisted that Kid Number Two makes everything harder. In fact, Mr. Doomsday informed Linda's husband that "two ruins it."

And so I wonder, for you parents that had a second child -- were you surprised about the family dynamic shift when you had baby number two? Is it really that different?

Comments (27)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Rachel Mosteller 3-29-2007 @ 7:29PM

Saying "two ruins it" is completely stupid and silly. For me, things are harder, but I also have a one and two-year-old. NOTHING is easy with a 2-year-old.

But, my daughter wouldn't have a brother and we would be missing out on a very special person in our lives without Number Two.

Having a sibling is a very special thing which, unlike that one dummy thinks, does not ruin anything.

Laura Snow 3-30-2007 @ 5:47PM

I'm also struggling with this. I can think of an equal number of pros and cons to having #2. My mom assures me once you have #2 all those unsure feelings disappear!

Sonya 3-30-2007 @ 9:11AM

As a mother of boys ages 6,4,and 1, I can tell you that, at first, it is totally crazy hard. For us, now that our 6 & 4 boys are older, it seems easier than those children who do not have a sibling. I don't know what my kids would do if they did not have each other. I was an only child (at my Mom's house - divorced parents), and I always knew I wanted at least 2 because of my own personal experience. It is so hard to schedule playdates all the time - it is great to live with your buddy/sibling.

A 3-30-2007 @ 8:44AM

A variety of thoughts on this:
From a friend who recent had number two "it's like you're each a single parent". In my case, I already have a bit of that as my spouse works shift work so there are many evenings and weekends when I get to play "single parent" for a while.

Our extended family isn't that big and we're really not that close with most of them. Having a sibiling means there will always be someone else that will watch out for them.
On a more selfish note: it's easier for two kids to support two (elderly) parents. ;)

Cheerio!
A

maria 3-30-2007 @ 9:02AM

I guess we always knew we wanted more than 1 - we compromised w/saying we'd have 3 (I wanted 2, he wanted 4) but then had lots of trouble getting pregnant. #1 was a tough baby for the 1st 6 mos and turned into a delightful toddler. I had his brother a week before #1's 2nd birthday. During my entire pregnancy I would hold my first son and wonder how on earth I could ever love someone as much as I loved him. Then I had a child w/a serious heart defect and for the first year our life was turned upside down. The adjustment from 1-2 was really tough the first year - b/c #2 was so needy and so sickly and b/c I took a leave of absence from work - I am not cut out to be home full time and I was stressed. Once I went back to work and we got #2 son healthier - life got so much better.

Sorry - I'm rambling - I think each family size is right for their family. I ended up w/3. It's hard and I'm exhausted. But I am fortunate that at least right now my 3 (boys 7 & 5, surprise girl almost 3) play together (when they're not fighting) It makes me so happy to watch my boys outside shooting at each other w/their plastic golf clubs (no guns in our house - yeah right) and watching them play w/their little sister. Our house is noisy and messy and full of laughter -

At the same time, I am sometimes a bit envious of my friends w/one child - they go out to eat and it's calm. They go on vacations to cool places - 3 plane tickets vs. 5, they can afford a sitter more often. I never really thought about the financial ramifications of the family size and don't think it would have changed my mind - in fact - if I were younger I'd probably hope for a 4th...

Good luck w/your decision. I guess to me it seems like if you're on the fence - you won't regret having another child -

ammie 3-30-2007 @ 9:31AM

Yes it does make it harder but it certainly doesn't ruin it--at least not for us. Ours are 19 months apart (all three of them) and the older two are very very close. My third was a much harder shift. You just don't ever seem to have enough of you to go around and he's a huge challenge anyway. He's also in his terrible twos big time so that is a big part of our challenge. I would say going to two was a change and made some things harder but it was the third that really changed everything.

Ginny 3-30-2007 @ 9:48AM

Well, I only had 11 mos of having one child so I am not sure if I should even answer this. My two are now 5 and 6 and there are times I can't imagine them not having each other to play with. Other times I think it would be much easier having one when it comes to rivalry and fighting. Some days they wake up fighting over silly stuff like who got out of bed first and go to bed fighting and fight all day in between. In the long run tho, I think it's easier on my husband and I because we can send them out back to play and they have a ball together...while we get a break. Good luck with your decision.

Amy 3-30-2007 @ 10:05AM

My #2 is 2.5 weeks old, and #1 is the same age as Nolan. I didn't feel like a "real" mom until #2 came. Everything has always been new and awkward and scary and uncomfortable with my first child - we had to learn EVERYTHING. Now, with my second, I am so much more relaxed and confident. I feel like I really know what I'm doing, and it's such a nice change from feeling like a freshman all the time. Even the pregnancy was easier, although, paradoxically, we had more complications with #2 than #1. I was just so much more relaxed and at ease with everything. So far, that's true of dealing with the baby, too. Things that freaked me right out with #1 don't even phase me with #2. It's also making me more relaxed with my older daughter, even though things are still new with her all the time. I'm taking things more in stride. The zoloft doesn't hurt, either. :)

Please understand that I am NOT saying that a mother of one is not a real mom... But, for me, the feeling of confidence that I have with my second child is what it took to make *me* feel like a real mom for the first time. It's nice.

Donna 3-30-2007 @ 12:58PM

What a nice article to stumple upon...4 months pregnant with an 8 year old boy. I'm a single mom, whose been dying to have another baby, wed or not. My son, who was planned was SUPPOSED to have another sibling by now...Again, although I was not married the first time, we had planned on having two children back to back so that they could be there for each other. Well we split and although the parenting changed, it didn't necessarily get worse. I did struggle for years to get my finances and careers together and now that I'm able to support a family, I don't and can't wait to give my son the gift of having a sibling. I'm an only child and my childhood was traumatic. I always told myself that it would'nt have been so bad had I had someone to talk to, like some one had previously mentioned. Now as an adult I still wish I had someone to help me deal with my father's health conditions time wise and emotionally. I love being a mom and I love being a single women when he spends time with his dad. But I feel like my son and I are a single mom and a child and not a family, because it's just us. I feel like holidays would be bigger. I feel like if there were three of us we'd be a family and I wouldn't have to constantly entertain my son and be that other child, which I must say I used to do very well, before working this hard. I am with the father of this child and he has children and I think he's a great dad BUT this pregnancy wasn't planned and I don't want to rush to move in with each other because of it. Now though I do get fearful of that single me I used to visit every now and then. I wonder how will I ever have time to model again and take classes like I used to BUT I honestly believe that if having another child doens't change everything than something is seriously wrong!!!

Amanda 3-30-2007 @ 10:27AM

I have two babies, one is 25 months old the other is five months old.

I think what everyone is trying to say here is: It is hard but not in a "I wish we hadn't done this" kind of way. It is hard like getting up in the morning to go to work is hard, but in the end you're glad you did because you got paid!
Having more than one kid is hard but in the end you're glad you did because you get paid with so much love! and to be priviledged to have more than one child to love is better than winning the lottery!
:)

Jenny 3-30-2007 @ 10:28AM

A saying I heard was "With one you can still be a cool couple with a kid. With two you are a family." I think there is some truth to that. With one we travelled internationally and got out dancing. Not with two. On the other hand, I still hold hope that this is primarily a "pre-school years" issue and as they get older we'll get more mobile as a family.

Becca Riley 3-30-2007 @ 11:04AM

Back when I had the first two, I don't remember it being all that hard or "ruining" it. My older boys are three years and 4 months apart. That was many years ago however, so Mommy memory may be de-emphasizing the negative aspects.

Jenn 3-30-2007 @ 11:11AM

Wow, it's like you've been reading my mind!

I currently have a 27 month old daughter and I am expecting # 2 mid-June. I've been very excited to have a second baby, but now a days I spend most of my time worrying about it. How will I ever manage to love #2 as much as I love Mary? I never thought I could love any one person as much as I do her, surely I can't love 2 people like that...What if I resent #2 for ruining my relationship with Mary? What if Mary resents me for bringing #2 home and never ever forgives me? What if I just can't handle having a 2 year old and a newborn? On top of it all we are moving to a different province in April to be closer to family, but between worrying about that and worrying about the impact of a second child, I'm really a bit of a mess!

Mammacheryl 3-30-2007 @ 12:30PM

I totally get this. When my first was eleven months old, we started trying for another. It took us four months to get pregnant, and during that time, I went back and forth about wanting a second baby. Basically, it came down to wanting to feel like we had a complete family. Ben is wonderful, and he's a handful, but there just feels like there's a gap in our family where another kid is supposed to be. Now I'm 6 weeks pregnant, and it's already very difficult since I've been so sick with nausea. Ben has already had the trauma of mommy not being able to be there for him all the time and having to get most of his cuddles from daddy. I think it'll get better though, and by the time this baby is ready to be born, we should be ready to welcome a new person into the family.

Kate 3-30-2007 @ 12:31PM

I can't tell you how much I felt the same way, debating again and again as to the right time for number two.

Then we went and got pregnant with twins - and in no way would we ever have chosen to have three kids. But here we are. Identical boys will arrive when my first son is 2 1/2.

Yes, I know: "Gee! I'll have my hands full!" (if only I had a nickle for every time someone decides to enlighten me with that..)

Anyway, good luck. You're not alone in your hesitation. All I can say (and I hope this is true for myself, too) is that fate gifts us with exactly the family we were meant to have, in the time we're meant to have it.

Kim 3-30-2007 @ 2:19PM

This question has been weighing on me too. My son is a couple of weeks from his 2nd birthday and I'm a couple of weeks away from delivering his sister. My husband very much wanted two kids, one of each. I don't think either of us are entirely prepared for the challenges of a newborn and a 2 year old but that stage isn't going to last forever. I like knowing Oliver won't have to push both of our wheelchairs by himself.

I just hope my kids and their families are happy spending time together when they are older. Childhood is a relatively short portion of one's life. It's the stuff that happens when they are out on their own that concerns me. (Spoken like someone with a sibling she didn't speak to for eight years....)

Lisa J. 3-30-2007 @ 12:46PM

I have one and am not planning to have more. It's not set in stone, but neither my husband and I have had the urge.

Katrina 3-30-2007 @ 1:03PM

I think having #2 was easier then having #1. It never was an issue for us. My youngest just turned 1 and my oldest is 3. We are expecting #3 and im hoping its not to rough. I would think #3,4,5...would be harder-I guess we will see.

Shannon 3-30-2007 @ 3:21PM

I have two children, ages 2-1/2 and 7 months. I firmly believe that, while going from one to two children is hard, it's not NEARLY as hard as going from zero children to that first baby when your WHOLE LIFE changes in every imaginable way. Sure, life is chaotic with two, but you've already got your parenting groove down, you know what you're doing, you've got a routine. It's not nearly as hard as you might think.

Jessica 3-30-2007 @ 3:09PM

I have a two year old and a 3 month old. It has really been amazing having the second child. Our oldest is so sweet with the baby and it really seems to have helped him mature too. I definitely appreciate how "reasonable" my toddler seems now and I'm enjoying the infant part of the new baby so much more because it is not nearly as scary the second time around. There are certainly some challenges...for example, taking both of them to the grocery store. I usually end up only getting a few groceries because there just isn't room in the cart for both of them AND groceries. Also, the newborn doesn't get the luxury of a relaxing morning nap at home very often because we have gotten into a routine of a morning outing with the toddler. But, they both take great afternoon naps...at the same time, and sleep through the night at the same time too!

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