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Impossible: explaining parenthood to childless friends
Categories: Just For Moms, Places To Go, Development
My friend Shannon is back from a 5-month long whale-saving expedition on the other side of the world. She's been home for a week, and I just saw her at lunch today: tanned, sinewy arms, eyes glittering with the thrill of chasing her dream, with the raw anticipation of doing it again.
We are so much alike, my friend Shannon and I, and we've never said it but I know we have both pondered it: we'd both be living such incredibly different lives right now if she had been the one to become unexpectedly pregnant two and a half years ago, and not I. She is traveling, chasing her dream. I am tending to my toddler, forging a different kind of hope.
"So - you can't really travel anymore. And things have kind of gone to pot in your personal life. And you don't have a social life. " She picked at a tomato on her plate.
I nodded.
"And yet? You'd do it again, you'd have Nolan again and you have no regrets?"
"None. It's so hard to explain, Shannon. It's like this massive, all-consuming love that is more important than anything else I've ever wanted to do."
"And so, is that why people have babies, do you think? Because they want that love?"
I thought about it. I can't really say, because my pregnancy wasn't planned. But I do know, if I ever had another baby, it would be because of the addiction to this love that is bigger than me, this fulfillment I feel when I can meet Nolan's needs.
It did make me think, though. I wonder why people have kids. Is it just because it is something we do as a species? A primal instinct? A need to nurture? Or curiosity about the unknown and the renowned?
I hope Shannon does have a kid one day. I think she'd be a good mother, too.
We are so much alike, my friend Shannon and I, and we've never said it but I know we have both pondered it: we'd both be living such incredibly different lives right now if she had been the one to become unexpectedly pregnant two and a half years ago, and not I. She is traveling, chasing her dream. I am tending to my toddler, forging a different kind of hope.
"So - you can't really travel anymore. And things have kind of gone to pot in your personal life. And you don't have a social life. " She picked at a tomato on her plate.
I nodded.
"And yet? You'd do it again, you'd have Nolan again and you have no regrets?"
"None. It's so hard to explain, Shannon. It's like this massive, all-consuming love that is more important than anything else I've ever wanted to do."
"And so, is that why people have babies, do you think? Because they want that love?"
I thought about it. I can't really say, because my pregnancy wasn't planned. But I do know, if I ever had another baby, it would be because of the addiction to this love that is bigger than me, this fulfillment I feel when I can meet Nolan's needs.
It did make me think, though. I wonder why people have kids. Is it just because it is something we do as a species? A primal instinct? A need to nurture? Or curiosity about the unknown and the renowned?
I hope Shannon does have a kid one day. I think she'd be a good mother, too.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Matt Heerema 3-30-2007 @ 3:18PM
I always chuckle a little bit when I hear someone relating a story about their child to a friend without one, and that person replying with a comment about their pet... not even the same ball park, but it's their only frame of reference. It's something you just can't understand until you become a parent.
Until then, we will always think of a parent's love from the perspective of a child.
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~Monica 3-30-2007 @ 3:40PM
I believe that becoming a parent is the most amazing and fulfilling life-long challenge one can undertake. I could not imagine living life and not undertaking such a dynamic all-encompassing challenge such as being responsible for another human life as we are. It's like a continual Christmas morning - every second of being a parent is a gift, even the crappy times. We learn so much about ourselves and about humans in general after experiencing all of the good and the bad and the inbetween. No other experience is quite the same and when I see non-parents reduce the experience into something so simplistic or shallow (dirty diapers, tantrums, no social life, inability to be free/do certain things, need to give or receive love) it just reconfirms to me that there is no other place on earth I'd rather be than to be here where I am. It's much more vast than just love and nurturing.
Remember, you're chasing your dream too - literally - you just didn't know he was going to become your dream 2 and a half years ago ; )
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emjaybee 3-30-2007 @ 3:52PM
It's really hard to explain it without words that sound like cliches. And parenting isn't for everyone, so to some people, it wouldn't be worth it.
But there's definitely an emotional jolt and addiction and feeling of purpose that is undeniable. There's probably a lot of evolution and hormones backing that up.
Also, at least for me, there is a sort of charge in seeing someone with my genes, but different; it's like a part of you has been duplicated and is walking around, and will hopefully, survive you. It gives you hope that they will take that part of you and build a better life than yours--a little like living your life over again.
Plus, as they get older, they become individuals that matter to you in the way your parents or siblings or spouse does...so you can't really imagine life without them.
I mean, it's like trying to describe why you love your spouse; someone who doesn't feel that way about them isn't going to understand.
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Liz 3-30-2007 @ 3:48PM
And those who are fertile will never know what it feels like to be infertile.
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Mammacheryl 3-30-2007 @ 5:17PM
I've wanted to be a mommy since I was a little girl. For me, it's the need to nurture, the fascination with babies and small children, the appreciation for silliness and playfulness. My husband and I only plan on two children through natural means (he's getting the V-job after our second one is born in November). After that, I imagine I'll keep wanting more kids around, and we'll adopt or become foster parents. One of my strongest drives is to nurture and be around small children.
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NewtonHeath 3-30-2007 @ 5:53PM
I remember when we got married. My wife and I came from families where we both had 3 siblings and both our parents had had 5-6 siblings. We'd both gone to college. I'd moved to a different country for an exprerience and met my wife and she had never left the local metro phone area code. I never grew up desiring having kids and neither did my wife. Was some of a feeling that we should was expected - maybe in a very small degree. But to the point of because we wanted love - in not the slightest. In many ways I've never been incredibly successful but I and my wife have really well paying jobs that makes me feel somewhat guilty about the positions the vast majority of the planet we live in exist. The one thing I've always thought I could do was raise a child and show them love more than the vast majority of people in the same privalidged position. Why, I don't know. The one thing I hope I can instill is a belief and an understanding of their position in comparison to everyone else. That every position has an opinion and that we should try and understand that. That sometimes you are not the master of your destiny and dealing with that can be an impossible task.
I know people who have kids who should never had and people who would make wonderful parents vow to never have them. The one thing I do know is that the vast majority of people that visit here love unconditionally their kids 100% regardless of how it happened or the current situation.
We all know that there are people who are less fortunate than us. We all know people that are significantly more well of than us. What we do is show unconditional love. We are only 1 generation from our parents yet our views could be 5 generations newer. Does that make our upbringing bad? I'm sure 90% of loved your childhood but today is different. Husbands share as much responsibility for day to day tasks and love and care as mothers and that is wonderful.
I look back on how much easier it was having 1 child compared to 2. We have more help from our famliy than most people today could ever hope and we all sleep less than we should. Did we have a second child to be loved more? Are you kidding. Do we get less sleep - for sure. Do we get more love? 2x as much. Is that the reason? No way.
All I can think of is that some people thrive on interaction that is family oriented. Some thrive on work. Is either bad? Are you kidding? Some thrive on the family and that is awesome. Lets celebrate our differences. Lets realise we can do one, both or the other. Lets not pidgeon hole each other.
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