Looking for love in preschool

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) Mar 30th 2007 5:03PM

Categories: Just For Moms, Preschoolers, Just For Dads, Love & Sex, Fun & Activities, Childcare, Education

When my husband was unemployed for a period of time last year, he began to take over some of the parenting responsibilities that had fallen on me. He suddenly had more time to spare than I did, so it made sense that he should begin doing things like taking Ellie to school. Prior to that time, I had been dropping Ellie off on my way to work each morning. I was usually in a hurry and didn't spend much time chatting with the other parents. My husband, however, is a very gregarious man and having nothing but time, he began to form friendships with some of the parents. Bear in mind, most of the parents he met at school were women.

When one of his new friendships resulted in an invitation to a dinner party, I was quite pleased. Being new to this area, we don't have a large circle of friends and I was happy to be invited to get to know Susie's (not her real name!) parents. We both really enjoyed the party and felt we had found some new friends. This great new friendship fantasy was short lived.

A few days after the party, I decided to take take Ellie to school myself. After getting her settled in, I was about to leave when one of her teachers asked to speak to me in private. With raised eyebrows, she handed me a piece of paper and told me that "Susie's" mother had left a note for my husband. The note was addressed to him only and included her cell phone number and a suggestion that they meet for coffee soon.

I found this note-leaving highly inappropriate and my intuition told me that this woman was hitting on my husband. For his part, my husband thought the note was innocent and that I was overreacting. He really wanted to be friends with her husband and wondered why I couldn't just give her the benefit of the doubt? I turned that over in my mind awhile and decided that no, I could not be friends with a woman who would leave such a note for my husband. If it was so innocent, why didn't she just call our house?

A survey of my female friends backed me up. But to this day, my husband thinks I let a possible friendship go for no good reason. What do you think? Was this woman trying to start something with my husband?

Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Mammacheryl 3-30-2007 @ 5:28PM

I think you're totally right. It was incredibly inappropriate. A note requesting that he leave his phone number for her could be innocent, but not an invitation to coffee. // My husband and I work outside the home for the same company, but in different departments. I have a friend who I flirt with on a regular basis (I tell my husband about it everytime). It's innocent flirting because we set up the parameters. We never speak suggestively about being together, and if we every wanted to meet outside of work, my husband would be included. (Like the flirt-man could come to our house to watch a movie). I know that if I would ever want to meet with Harold alone, that would be trouble. My husband would also never meet another woman out for coffee without someone else there. It looks inappropriate because it IS inappropriate, no matter how much the husband and wife trust each other. I'm so sick of adultery. I see so much of it. I've proven that I can still have some fun with some lighthearted flirting (that actually improves my sex life with my husband) while still staying true to my marriage and the man I love.

Natalie 3-30-2007 @ 5:37PM

with out a doubt you are right!
that woman wanted your man and she knew exactly what she was doing. Horrible!
For some dispicable reason there are so many women in this world who think they can get any man they want. Married or Not. They love the game of gaining the satisfaction when they conqure the desires of another man, and will usually stop at nothing till they do. WATCH OUT, Hold onto him tight, and don't let that BRAT Of a woman play her game.

Ethel 3-30-2007 @ 5:44PM

I think you got it on the head, "If it was so innocent, why didn't she just call our house?" If there were no motives outside of friendship it would have been completely transparent and she would have called your house, even after your discovery. There are gals, and guys, out there that do try to hook up with people that are involved, and there are plenty of folks who will favorably to the offer.

About 20 years ago my father helped a neighbor back in her house that she inadvertently locked herself out of. The gal came back to our door to talk to Dad and "reward his generosity". Ugh. Dad went straight to his best friend and told my mom about it and they had a good laugh, but the gal really was serious about it and kept making a beeline to Dad when she saw him. If I were you it would bother me the most that my husband was making light of something that seemed illicit to me.

LB 3-30-2007 @ 5:59PM

How much of your reaction was colored by the teacher's request to speak to you in private? She implied that element of impropriety. There is a gap in the story here. Did the other mom requested that the note be given to your hubby in secret? That would indicate she was up to something, IMO. Then the teacher would be wrong to accept the note under those conditions. But if the note was handed over casually to the teacher, the teacher should have handed the note over neutrally.

dlbs 3-30-2007 @ 6:07PM

I agree that the note was inappropriate and I don't blame Sandy for not persuing a friendship with that woman. I don't think, however, it's really that big of a deal. Maybe it's because I don't believe in jealousy and because I trust my husband implicitly. I'm of the mind that women can throw themselves at my husband all day if they want to because I trust him and I have no doubt that he wouldn't stray. I wouldn't bat an eye if my husband met a female friend for coffee or lunch. No one can ruin my marriage or "steal my man" if our relationship is solid. When partners cheat or leave, it's due to an underlying problem with the relationship and if "the other woman" hadn't come along, the marriage would have ended for other reason.

SKL 3-30-2007 @ 7:07PM

In my business, we are required to avoid "even the appearance" of impropriety. I think the same rule applies to a married person's opposite-sex relationships. This woman had to know how this would look, even if she was not trying to do anything wrong. Hence, if she was innocent, she would have communicated in an open way, rather than risk hurting a married couple's relationship.

I think about the possible appearance of impropriety all the time. Everyone knows that some married folks do fool around, and since I'm single and work with married guys all the time, it would be natural for folks to wonder what we're doing behing closed doors, on business trips, etc. There are lots of times when I take extra steps to make sure nobody has any reason to get any funny ideas. Even so, I suspect some folks get suspicious.

Yesterday I was at an out-of-state client and, instead of calling me a cab to the airport, the manager suggested he drive me there, since he was going there himself on the way to a camping trip with his old friend. As we were leaving together, he was saying bye to everyone and I was just following him out (still in my business suit). Both of us had suitcases and it probably looked like we were traveling somewhere together. Although there was absolutely nothing "going on," I did cringe because I wondered if anyone would be saying later, "who's that he's taking with him? Does his wife know about this? Is he really going on a camping trip with an old male friend?" I hoped enough people knew what was really going on and would dispel any rumors before things got ugly.

I would be very surprised if a woman would innocently pass a personal note to a married guy, through an intermediary, without considering that it could raise suspicions. Yes, I'd be suspicious of her from that day forward.

KC 3-31-2007 @ 1:24AM

You are absolutely correct in your assessment. That would've flown directly over my husband's head as well.

Uly 3-30-2007 @ 10:45PM

Am I the only one wondering what would have happened if you had made the call yourself? Or if your husband had, and you'd gone with him to "have coffee"?

Can you picture the hilarity here? I don't know how you resisted, personally.

ammie 3-31-2007 @ 12:37AM

I think I would have had my husband accept the invitation and accompany him as if she had asked you both to coffee and send a clear message that you two share everything and there would never be a chance that she could put herself between you two. Then if it was an innocent offer of friendship what harm is there in you both going to coffee with her?

jen 3-31-2007 @ 4:13PM

Ditto. Not appropriate. If she was good friends with your husband and yourself, I'd think it was fine to leave a note, indeed I'd do it myself with male (married) friends if I needed to pass on a message, but a phone number and offer of coffee to a (married) man via a note is more than just a bit dubious. I use SMS messaging myself - and with the SAH dads we often meet up in the park using messaging, but that's only with people I know well, and only regarding playdates for the kids.

I have to say, though, that my husband would take something like this in his stride and not see the inappropriateness either. But then I trust him, and he wouldn't consider the fact some other woman was hitting on him despite knowing he's married. But then he's just an innocent like that ;)

I am glad your teacher passed the note on to you so you could stop this before your husband was put in an awkward position. Maybe you could suggest a coffee with this woman and see her reaction? If she's comfortable then you'll set your mind at rest, and if she's not too interested then you at least have your answer, and concrete proof for your husband of why the note was inappropriate.

Stephanie 3-31-2007 @ 5:29PM

Sounds to me like the teacher found it suspicious too. Could be reading something into it, but I don't think the teacher considered it innocent. I wouldn't either.

travelmama 4-01-2007 @ 8:55AM

I think you were totally right in your assessment of the situation. As someone else commented, even IF her intentions were innocent (which I doubt), she should have known enough to avoid the APPEARANCE of impropriety. Given that she had now met both of you, she should have felt free to call the house and invite him to coffee openly - if she wasn't up to anything. Husbands can be incredibly dense when it comes to this kind of thing but I think you should trust your instincts. Your husband may have wanted to be friends with her husband, but her husband wasn't the one extending the invitation. As a matter of fact, who knows if her husband even knew about it? If your husband was so sure that she was innocent, he should still respect your discomfort with it. The thing is, when dads are fulfilling the role that moms usually do, it's only fair that they sometimes be included in things. But she should have invited him to a parent's outing for coffee, not just him and her. I always say trust your gut - whenever I don't I am sorry.

barb 4-02-2007 @ 2:10AM

sweetie as a child care provider and a prek teacher in child care this is actually a very "normal"(i use that word loosely) thing. maybe the word is common....i have been hit on by several of my male parent (feeling not return i assure you)this has made me feel disgusting....and to reevaulete my wardrobe (if you can find anything inappropriate about a polo shirt let me know)i have seen my parent start affairs among each other.....i will say this feild is so much like watching days of our lives as i have ever seen. my employers have always looked the other way...(bow to the almighty dollar). one time i was hit on i was nine months pregnant with my now 11 month old child. i do hope you appreciate the honesty from the teacher....i applaude her for not letting the almighty dollar rule her....and as far as your hubby goes he may just be that dumb in the situation...most men are....but as i had to explain to my husband.....about his exgirlfriend telling her that you might be interested in someone else doesnt say it is over like i dont want to see you anymore, dont call, me and i am getting married in a couple of months does.after he took my advise and made it perfectly clear...the ex left him alone. but you have to make sure that hubby understands that you are not over reacting....that this is a serious issue...the exx in my hubby's life had the balls to call him the day she went into labor to have him go with her(not his baby and they only dated about a month....) that is when he finally understood that she had not got the picture...anyway the moral of the story is you are not over reacting and you have to find a way to get dear old hubby to understand your feelings on the matter....and my question to you is are you worried that maybe something might be going on......not suggesting just trying to get a better understanding of the situation...

Ginny 4-02-2007 @ 11:37AM

If the teacher felt it was something you needed to know about, then I imagine it WAS something you need to know about. I doubt she would stick her neck out like that unless she was certain. Good luck.

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