Neale Godfrey: Return to the Nest
Jill Patir: Hug Your Loved Ones a Little Tighter
Critical Conversations: Race Relations
Filed under: Development/Milestones: Babies, Day Care & Education
When I was in high school, one of my best friends (as in hung out with, slept over with, started businesses with, got in trouble with) happened to be black. We never noticed a difference, especially in our school where the student population included pretty much every color of the rainbow. While we don't see each other as often as we'd like -- he's in the Seattle area while I'm in San Francisco -- we're still just as close as when we were chasing girls at the local roller rink a hundred years ago.For a long time, I hung out with the office manager of a company I worked for. She was stunningly beautiful and always exquisitely dressed -- basically, she was way out of my league. Still, we went to lunch together regularly, hung out together outside of work, and were basically great friends. I found out years later that everyone in the company thought we were a couple. In reality, we were nothing more than good friends. It had nothing to do with the fact that she had skin as black as night -- she was Jamaican -- it was due to her being the sort of woman who would go camping and start looking for a place to plug in her hair dryer while I was the sort who would go to the opera in jeans.
Growing up, my family ate regularly at a small, family-run Chinese restaurant. In fact, we ate there so regularly that, many years later, one of the daughters recognized me when I came through her checkout line at a store. I didn't recognize her until she told me who she was -- she was, after all, no longer a pre-teen. Still, she remembered me and my family. We also spent a lot of time at the Chinatown Salvation Army -- they were one of my dad's big clients. As such, I can use chopsticks with my left hand better than a lot of my Chinese friends can with their right. (And I know something you do not know. I am not left-handed either.)
My neighborhood gang was made up of kids from many different backgrounds. We played together, we fought together, we ran around making a ruckus all over the neighborhood without even considering that there was anything different about us. Other than, of course, that only one of us could eat an entire hostess pie in one bite.
At school, Jared plays with kids who are White, Black, Chinese, Japanese, and Spanish. Outside of school, his friends include more of all those, plus an Iranian boy, and probably others. Adult friends include Russians, a German, a South African, and certainly more that I can't think of. He doesn't notice, except as it relates to food (we love Japanese curry) and languages (I try to expose them to as many as possible.)
Someday, I imagine, Jared will come home from school or something and tell me that someone said that one of his friends is some race/color/whatever and therefore isn't someone Jared should be playing with. I will sit him down and we'll have a little chat -- not all that different from ones we've had before -- about how it doesn't matter how people look, it's the person inside that matters. If they're nice and fun and don't do naughty things so much, then they are good people to be friends with, regardless of how they look on the outside.
Hopefully, because of the way he's growing up -- having lots of different-looking friends and seeing his parents having lots of different-looking friends -- that will make perfect sense to him and he'll go back and re-educate whatever small-minded child pointed out the difference to him. Indeed, that's one of the things I like about living in San Francisco -- there is so much diversity here. While I can't say there is no racial discrimination in our fair town, I know there isn't any in our family.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-02-2007 @ 4:06PM
daisy said...Roger, I think you are a good guy and really well intentioned, but I'd encourage you to take the next step and explain to your son that, in ways you all can't even understand, you benefit from white privilege. You have some things easier that you have never even noticed. And while you're at it, let him know life is a bit easier for him because he's male. Don't pretend that being a white man isn't linked inherently to power and privilege in our world.
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4-02-2007 @ 4:20PM
Messed Up Mama said...Each of my older boys showed me that they didn't see people in terms of race, age, or sex. When each of them were about 7 or 8 they came across discrimination, either on TV or in real life, and their response when talking to me was something along these lines "Mom, how can they say that person isn't as good as another person? They don't even know them!" Each of them waits to decide what to think about someone until they have actually met them and had a chance to talk to them.
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4-02-2007 @ 6:01PM
Uncle Roger said...Daisy, you are correct, of course. I do and Jared and Sara will benefit from past discrimination. This is why, as much as I would love to see affirmative action eliminated, we still very much need them. I do, however, look forward to the day when they seem as ridiculous as requiring someone to walk in front of your car carrying a light when you drive at night.
However, rather than perpetuating the white privelege, I'd rather just teach Jared and Sara that whenever they see injustice or inequality to protest and work towards eliminating it. I would love it if Jared and Sara knew nothing of discrimination because it didn't exist. Alas, while I can hope, I don't know that that will be the case.
I grew up with swastikas painted on our garage and a fresh coat of eggs on our front door every week. I hope that my kids never experience that and while I'm sure there will be times when they favor one person over another, I hope -- and feel confident -- that it will be because of who that person is inside, not outside.
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4-02-2007 @ 6:36PM
Jeannie said...Daisy, you have such white-guilt. And you are a total man-hater. I don't believe it is easier to be either sex, though it might be. A man might say that it is easier to be a woman, while you as a woman claim that it is easier to be a man. Basically, we always think the grass is greener and "easier." -- Kind of like how curly-headed girls covet straight hair because theirs is unruly and difficult to tame, while those with straight hair smother their heads in Aussie SprunchSpray to get some wave and body.
I also don't know if being one race is easier than being another, but if there is a difference I'd imagine it is easier to be black. Blacks tend to get the benefit of the doubt, publicly at least.
I'd say you are VERY discriminatory, Daisy.
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4-02-2007 @ 10:03PM
SKL said...Daisy is absolutely right.
But it is practically impossible to get people to admit to themselves that their accomplishments are partly the result of an unfair advantage. Especially when the unfair advantage isn't even remotely their fault.
However, I do think it's crucial for people to recognize this, because it is a step toward recognizing the unrealized entitlements of non-white and non-male individuals.
Being color-blind is nice, but it's not enough, because my great friends who are racial minorities and/or females still have to work way harder than white males to even come close to getting the same rewards.
I don't believe that the answer is legally-required affirmative action. I believe it's affirmative acknowledgement by individuals in power, that the reason their boardrooms are mostly full of whites / males is NOT because white men deserve those slots more, but because they got an unfair advantage. If they could admit that to themselves, they would try harder to recruit based on real merit, and their organizations would be much better for it.
Only then can they truly say "there is no racism / sexism in my family / organization."
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4-02-2007 @ 11:38PM
Heather said...I grew up in a similar neighborhood. I moved back there because of it. I noticed in ohter parts of the cty I was discriminated against because I was white in a Chinese area, or mostly East Asian. I have been refused service more times then I can count.
I like my old area where no one even cares where your from. I don't get racism it makes no sense to me. Is your life so boring that you worry about skin colour or religion. There are a lot bigger problems in the world for me to worry about. I am not going to waste my time worrying about someones race.
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