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Parent vs. parent: Raising children without religion
My son Henry was born in the early summer of 2000. He was premature, and spent ten days in the NICU. I had been an on-again, off-again Episcopalian for the ten or so years before I had Henry, but after his birth I returned to church, in an effort to sort out why my son would be healthy when other babies in the NICU were not, why one baby died while we were there and others were staying for months and months with no possibility of going home. I had Henry baptized because I thought it would help me to sort out my own feelings about faith and community, and would give me a way to connect with something larger than myself.
Through much of my adult life--through two years of inexplicable infertility and a surprise premature delivery and the first signs that my son was not on target developmentally--I struggled to decide what exactly it was that I believed, and how I would teach my son about faith and kindness and Christian charity. And then, in September of 2001, two planes crashed into the World Trade Towers. Two more crashed in Washington DC and in rural Pennsylvania. And I watched as Christian communities in my city and others responded with hate and anger and fear, and I wondered if those were the values I wanted to my son to learn.
In the wake of the 9/11 attacks, I lost what remained of my faith, not so much in God but in the organizations that purport to represent him. I lost my faith in dogma and theology. I lost my faith in the made-up rules for how to be Godly and good. Instead, I started to think about what it was that I really believed, what I would place my faith in, if not in religion. I believe in science and medicine; I believe in community and philanthropy. I believe in the soul and in reincarnation. I believe that how we act is more important than how we pray.
We have always taught our sons to respect other people's religious beliefs, and to respect their places of worship. We have talked to them about different religions, and about how one religion isn't better or worse than another. We talk to them about respecting nature and people. We have taught them that the most important thing is what is in their hearts, not what words they say or what building they kneel in.
I think people assume sometimes that raising a child without religion means raising him without any sort of moral compass, but this isn't true at all, at least not for my sons. I want my sons to grow up to be compassionate and caring; I want them to have a sense of their place in the world and an understanding of how their actions affect other people. I want them to be accepting and welcoming of people who are different from them. I am often envious of people with a strong religious base because they can use the shorthand of What Would Jesus Do? to teach their children all these things. In many ways, I think I have made it harder on myself by choosing to raise my sons without religion. At the same time, though, I think I am raising children who will have great faith. It just may not be in God, and I am fine with that.
Through much of my adult life--through two years of inexplicable infertility and a surprise premature delivery and the first signs that my son was not on target developmentally--I struggled to decide what exactly it was that I believed, and how I would teach my son about faith and kindness and Christian charity. And then, in September of 2001, two planes crashed into the World Trade Towers. Two more crashed in Washington DC and in rural Pennsylvania. And I watched as Christian communities in my city and others responded with hate and anger and fear, and I wondered if those were the values I wanted to my son to learn.
In the wake of the 9/11 attacks, I lost what remained of my faith, not so much in God but in the organizations that purport to represent him. I lost my faith in dogma and theology. I lost my faith in the made-up rules for how to be Godly and good. Instead, I started to think about what it was that I really believed, what I would place my faith in, if not in religion. I believe in science and medicine; I believe in community and philanthropy. I believe in the soul and in reincarnation. I believe that how we act is more important than how we pray.
We have always taught our sons to respect other people's religious beliefs, and to respect their places of worship. We have talked to them about different religions, and about how one religion isn't better or worse than another. We talk to them about respecting nature and people. We have taught them that the most important thing is what is in their hearts, not what words they say or what building they kneel in.
I think people assume sometimes that raising a child without religion means raising him without any sort of moral compass, but this isn't true at all, at least not for my sons. I want my sons to grow up to be compassionate and caring; I want them to have a sense of their place in the world and an understanding of how their actions affect other people. I want them to be accepting and welcoming of people who are different from them. I am often envious of people with a strong religious base because they can use the shorthand of What Would Jesus Do? to teach their children all these things. In many ways, I think I have made it harder on myself by choosing to raise my sons without religion. At the same time, though, I think I am raising children who will have great faith. It just may not be in God, and I am fine with that.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-05-2007 @ 11:44AM
Jonathon said...i love this post.
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4-05-2007 @ 12:15PM
barbara said...well said, and I agree 100%
Reply
4-05-2007 @ 12:23PM
Robin said...Wonderfully said. I don't have children yet myself, but as an atheist I've given a lot of thought as to how my future kids' upbringing will be different than my own religious one. I hope when the time comes, I can do it as well as you seem to be doing.
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4-05-2007 @ 12:24PM
Amy said...I am so glad to read this. My family feels the same way, and some people act like we're evil because of it. We are good people, and we raise our kids the right way, very morally. We don't need a child molesting priest, or anyone else to tell us how to live. I wish more people shared your view about church.
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4-05-2007 @ 1:47PM
SKL said...I feel sorry for people who don't have the depth in religious faith to understand what it really is, and to be able to share it with their kids.
True religion is not about hate and certainly has nothing to do with molesting priests. I really feel sorry for kids who are being taught that. Those are issues with the governance of the church and the lack of proper religious education.
When I was younger, I had a very solid religious education, but I also questioned my religion a lot. I was encouraged to look into other religions, which I did. I finally got tired of different people / books / creeds telling me what they think God wants us to believe / do. So I started reading all of the holy books of the major world religions, without any commentary by contemporary man. That really strengthened my faith in God. It has nothing to do with choosing a religion. It has to do with understanding the universal message of all religions which is the universal truth. I really don't believe you can teach this to your children through a series of superficial discussions or through modern literature.
Even if you think I'm a crank, I think it's hard to deny that there must be something to the fact that religious people are statistically happier and healthier than athiests.
I will be teaching my kids about religion - about the universal truths, and the various alternative ways that humans acknowledge those truths, and that an intelligent and civilized person respects religions and religious people.
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4-05-2007 @ 3:08PM
Margaret said...Don't your kids go to schools associated with churches?
I'm curious to see how you reconcile this with them. My family is spiritual but not religious and we are considering Catholic school for our son and we're not sure what it will mean for a kid in an agnostic family to be in a parochial school.
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4-06-2007 @ 12:49AM
Heather said...Thanks again for writting this. I also have lost faith in the church. For the 9/11 reasons but also for others.
My mother who tries to get me to go back all the time is one of the most intolerant people I know. The bible teaches love and forgivness but she spews hate about gays and non christians all the time. It is also one of the most violent books ever written.
When i asked about all the killing and the bible says women are property , my dad would say that doesnt count anymore. So then what parts do?
also Judisn Islam and Christianity are all based on the same God. Abraham was in all the religions so why are we fighting?
My sister was told to baptise her baby she had to stand in front of the church and say " my daughter is a sin" not I sinned by having a baby out of wedlock but that her dausghter is a sin.
The bible was written by men with politcal agenda's and edited by other men with different politcal agendas.
Why is it such a big deal if Jesus was married? He was a 33 yr old male living in Bible times, the chance he wasn't married is slim. Who cares!
Being told people who are not Christians go to hell no matter what. I asked . What about people who have never heard of Him? He placed them there and if they don't know to look for him because they have never heard of him how is that thier fault? When I was told that is why Christians travel the world to teach about him. But it isn't thier fault they were born ther it is God who placed them there. Then I was told maybe there was an exception. Then I siad if e go teach them about Crist and they choose not to belive does that mean we just condemed them to hell? Where as before they would have gone to heaven now they will go to hell?
Needless to say I was considered a bad kid for asking to many questions.
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4-06-2007 @ 12:55PM
SKL said...Heather,
You were asking all the right questions. It's unfortunate that many churches don't know how to deal with these questions. Truth is, they should have admitted that they don't know the answers and nobody else does either. The biggest weakness of religion is the extent of ego that is often poured into the mix. No, maybe it's ignorance about the other faiths. Or maybe these are both pretty much the same thing.
Truly religious people, including the key leaders of world religions, have questioned their religions extensively and sometimes significantly reformed them. Questioning your church is a sign that your spiritual development was right on track and the church leadership was unable to keep up with you.
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6-27-2007 @ 3:00PM
Kevin said...I think your comments are warranted, but tend to codify religion with Christianity. It seams that all religions are being measured against one religion: Christianity.
I think most of your points are thoughtful, but for the most part, lack understanding in what some have referred to as the "truth." All too often parents, usually "unbelievers" (by that I mean those who do not seriously owe themselves to a dogmatic monotheistic religion), express a desire to teach their children about "all" or "many" religions or about the "ultimate Truth." Well, that's like a carpenter trying to teach a child about "all" or the "many" ways to perform brain surgery while not having any formal learning in the skill, but some vague and rudimentary understanding (assuming that maybe he read an article on it).
All to often, many of you have stated that you intend to raise your children with good-intended "moral values." Well, what are these moral values based on? How can you teach your child the value of chastity, if you are a fornicator? Do you teach your son to be a good fornicator? a "safe" fornicator as a "moral value"? How do you convey the "moral value" of marriage if you are "shaking up"? How do you raise your child "without religious influence" if you prop a light-gladdened tree up in the living room with gifts under it during Christmas season? These terms are inconsistent, because they have religious underpinnings.
The point being made here is the moral compass, how morality is defined. Most would want to define morality based upon their own "desires" and sense of "reasoning." If a person's moral compass, tells him that it is okay to have sex with a person the same sex as he, because he desires it and it makes good sense to him, then he has morally justified the act based upon his own definition. Most would not disagree with this form of "justification," and could care less about the act, but when taken one step further, if he decides that it is morally okay to have sex with a person who is of the same sex but is 6 years old, then this is where the definition breaks down, not because it may be unreasonable to others, but because the idea of morality--in this case--is static; it changes from person to person from desire to desire because it has no firm footing.
The only institution that has guided humankind throughout history, as far as morality is concerned, is that of religion.
The reason most parents, in my view, choose to raise their children religiousless, is that they want to shield themselves as being hypocrites. If they do not teach their children what the Quran, for instance, says about fornication, then the parents cannot be asked by their children, "then why do you do it, if you know you are not supposed to do it?" The solution is to shield them away from such an education, to ridicule that type of education as superfluous.
If parents can choose what to teach their children about morality, then they can shield themselves from self-criticism. What they end up raising are children ignorant of religion, especially Islam. How can a parent, honestly, choose to "teach" their children about the monotheistic religions if he/she has not engaged in a formal study of Islam, without even so much as picking up a Quran?
These children are raised as wayward, religiously ignorant, and lacking a centuries old understanding of morality through religion.
What's more, their parents are equally ignorant about the monotheistic religions, especially Islam.
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