Critical Conversations: Sex in The City

When I was a young teenager, there was a kid in my neighborhood whose father subscribed to Playboy. Even better, his parents let him look at it. So, naturally, when I went over, I wanted to check it out too. Of course, I only wanted to read the articles. That happened exactly once. The next time I went over, his mother told me that my mother said she didn't want me looking at that magazine, so I couldn't look at it.

Back then, the schools offered both Sex Ed and Driver's Ed as one course. I managed to flunk the Sex Ed part. Rather than re-take it, I had my mother write a note to the school saying that she didn't want me taking it for religious reasons. I once overheard my mother relating a risque anecdote. She had been to some class that day and shared the story with my dad. "Want to hear a dirty joke," she asked my father. "The teacher was in a good mood and someone said she must have gotten laid last night."

So you can tell I went out into the world rather unprepared. Luckily, my stunning unattractiveness kept me from getting in trouble (or, more importantly, getting anyone else in trouble). Jared and Sara, however, do not have such a built-in safeguard -- they're both extremely good looking kids (if I do say so myself). Obviously, they get that from their mother. So I want them to be completely prepared when it comes to sex.


Mind you, I don't plan on telling them "Huzzah! You've hit puberty! Go forth and fornicate!" They already know that some things are for when you're older -- "Disney is for big kids," Jared repeats dutifully. I don't expect telling them that "Sex is for grown-ups" will work any better than the "Trix is for kids" line, however. So I will teach them about sex -- the mechanics of reproduction.

I will let them know that I think that, because of the potential consequences and because of the emphasis put on sexual relations in our society, they should wait until they're older. I want to give them tools to deal with the physical urges -- an understanding of how our bodies work and an acceptance of masturbation -- as well as access to birth control should they choose to go ahead with sex. Just like rock climbing or river rafting, there are precautions one needs to take to be safe and risks one faces even then; I want to make sure they know the facts about sex before they find themselves in a situation where they need that knowledge.

I also want to let them know that different people find different things stimulating. Some people like tall people, while some are attracted to shorter folks. Some like red hair and some dark. Some fall in love with someone of the same sex and some with those of the opposite gender. Some people want to be with only one person and others prefer to be polyamorous. All of it is okay, so long as no one is hurt and everyone involved is consenting (and, of course, of an age where they can legally consent.)

Of course, a discussion of sex should include a discussion of love. Some people have sex without being in love, and that's okay. Some people fall in love and never have sex and that's okay too. Some people fall in love and don't get married and that's okay. (Some people fall in love and can't get married and that's not okay, but that's a different issue.) I want them to know that sex and love are often linked but certainly are not the same thing.

And, in case they do decide to have sex (and believe me, short of locking them in a cage in the basement, no parent can prevent it), there are a few specific things I'm going to tell them. 1) The first time you have sex, you will (as in 100% absolutely sure) get pregnant, if you don't use a condom. (Yes, I know it's a lie, but hey, it's no worse than "you can't get pregnant the first time.") 2) The choice is not with a condom or without, it's with a condom or not at all. 3) If I find out Jared has sex without a condom, I'll cut it off. If I find out one of Sara's (or Jared's) boyfriends had sex without a condom, I'll cut theirs off too.