Parent vs. Parent: "Hyper" fertility

by Nadine Silverthorne (Subscribe to Nadine Silverthorne's posts) Apr 9th 2007 11:32AM

Categories: Pregnancy & Birth, Medical Conditions

I can't help it. I look at my husband sideways and I get pregnant. It's something I don't talk about often, because in the of the world of reproduction today, this is not the case for most people I know.

I don't know the disappointment of trying for months and having nothing happen. I have read about this plenty on blogs, held the hands of friends as they looked confused, perplexed and sad, but this is not my story.

What so many people don't understand is that "hyper" fertility has its adversities too. (Though nowhere near as significant as infertility I'm sure.) I have never menstruated for less than 7 days, except when on the pill. While most new moms I knew were enjoying the period-free benefits of breastfeeding, I never experienced even a month without a visit from Aunt Flo. When I ovulate I always know it, because I experience pain and anxiety attacks. I am hormonal to the extreme. (Just ask my husband!)

My first pregnancy was unplanned. Even though the nuns in Catholic school always told me it only takes one time, I didn't think that held true any longer. I certainly didn't know anyone who go pregnant on the first go. I definitely didn't know anyone who was getting drunk with her husband in her late 20s and ending up nauseous and nervous a month later. I was the first in my circle of friends to get pregnant and everyone watched me with interest and awe.

At my six-week post-partum ultrasound, I was told that my ovaries were full of eggs and if I wasn't careful, I'd be getting pregnant again in a hurry. We used protection religiously, but we never thought about the what ifs.

When Nate was four-months-old, a condom broke and I got pregnant again. If we weren't financially prepared for the first child (my husband was "underemployed" and I was our primary source of income,) we most definitely weren't ready to have another child while I was still on maternity leave. Irish twins jokes were tossed around, as was the idea of getting a house with my sister. But I was scared and heartbroken, instead of being overjoyed at the news.

The blighted ovum was spontaneously aborted and it was a bittersweet relief I felt. Bittersweet because I knew that if I was someone who experienced infertility, I would be grieving at the loss.

I am not smug about my reproductive blessings. I just wish I could discuss my experiences openly, without fearing that I might be "rubbing it in" for someone I care about, whose experience is on the other end of the scale.

Comments (20)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

JenInTX 4-09-2007 @ 11:51AM

Nadine, you are not alone.

I was always very conscious about birth control, because there was a lot I wanted to do in life before I had kids. My parents were 16 & 17 when I was conceived, and I didn't want to repeat that pattern.

I've only had unprotected sex with hubby, and only five times. ALL five times I got pregnant!!!! I had two miscarriages though, and they were third and fourth monthers, so that was rather sad. The fifth was an unplanned blessing. I was scared to death about having three children. And I was right to be scared. That third kid changes everything. But we love him to pieces, and I'm so glad we got our wires crossed that night as to who was supposed to be doing the birth controlling.

I have another friend who's a Fertile Myrtle. We've talked before about how we can't really discuss this with others, because you never know how hard a couple's been trying, or what they went through to conceive.

We went through about twenty minutes.... lol!

Heather 4-09-2007 @ 2:56PM

I am am one of those fertile ones too. (We have 5 children all aged 8 and younger) In October 2005, I had a miscarriage. I was shocked, and completely heartbroken. I am so glad it happened because it made me not take pregnancy for granted. Pregnancy till then always resulted in a baby for me and it opened my eyes ,that for many people a baby is not always the end result.It made me feel more human. Thankfully we concieved again the next month and now have a healthy 9 month old. Recently while at the local pool a neighbourhood woman approached me and told me it has taken a lot of courage for her to come and talk to me. She told me she envied my fertility and my family. That she dreamed to be like me. I was choked up, and again it opened my eyes even wider. I am thankful for my children and fertility. I must be so hard to want a family and not be able to do it the easy way.

Katrina 4-09-2007 @ 1:53PM

Im glad to see im not the only one. We've tried to get pregnant 4 times....and each time I got pregnant on the 1st shot-1 ending in m/c. Its a blessing for us but at the same time the guilt I am made to feel is extreme-especially this last time. I wish I could share my fertiliy with those who are having a hard time but obviously I just cant.

travelmama 4-09-2007 @ 7:13PM

Nadine, I too can't discuss this with anyone. Every time my husband and I have had sex with no attempt to avoid pregnancy, I've gotten pregnant. The funny thing was, once I turned 35, with one daughter, my doctor started asking if we wanted to have another child. Having had her at 34, I wasn't ready to think about it but my OB cautioned that even although it had been easy the first time around it might not be so easy the next time. And I knew several friends whose first kids had been breezes that then tried for months on end to get the second one. So, hubby and I discussed it and figured we'd stop trying NOT to get pregnant and let nature take its course. Who knew, maybe we'd have several months of carefree lovemaking, right?

A week later...

And here I am 7 months preggo with #2. I have no regrets (although I was FREAKED OUT when I first suspected I was pregnant), but as you said, it's not something you can discuss. I haven't really talked about it with anyone except the doctor. I worry people would think I'm bragging and truth be told, I am happy not to have that problem, although I would have been just as happy with one child too. But how do you say that to people who have none or that went through hell and high water and spent loads of money sometimes to get their precious cargo?

Thanks for voicing this.

SKL 4-09-2007 @ 2:49PM

Yeah, thinking (and telling any serious dating partners) of my mom's fertility has always been my best method of birth control. That's how I know condoms break, and that not all women can tolerate all types of contraception, and that if you are fertile and have sex, you'd better be prepared for another mouth to feed. My parents don't regret having six kids (including five after the removal of one ovary), but they certainly didn't plan it that way.

Readers, please don't tell your kids that sex with a condom is "safe sex"! I know I never will.

Jenna 4-09-2007 @ 2:50PM

Thank you for writing this. Thank you.

Catherine 4-09-2007 @ 3:56PM

Many years ago, when my 1st husband left me at 23y old, my mom said it was just as well, or I would have ended up with six kids. I had 2 children and 2 miscarriages at the time, and thought her comment beyond insensitive.

But looking back, my mom had 6 kids and 6 miscarriages. Years later, and remarried, I have had even more pregnancies than she did, though only 3 live births. So maybe she knew something...

Yes, I am one of the hopeless fertiles - who seem to get pregnant even time we try! Now if I could just figue out how to hang onto one!

Mammacheryl 4-09-2007 @ 4:48PM

I'm not hyper fertile; it took us four months to conceive this last time around. For Ben, it only took two months. We had him well before our first wedding anniversary. I know what you mean about the guilt, though. I'm surrounded by women who've lost babies and people who have been trying to get pregnant for years. I'm only 8 weeks pregnant, and I'm terrified of miscarrying... and also feeling a little bit guilty about the possibility of keeping this little miracle. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair that I might carry this one to term while my best friend lost hers.

Gabriella 4-09-2007 @ 9:40PM

Like everyone else has written, I've never been able to discuss with many people how I became pregnant, 3 of my girlfriends are unable to have kids and telling them how easy it was for me makes me feel horrible. My daughter was conceived on a dare! I dared my husband to have sex without the condom the one time and that's how she was created. I honestly didn't think I would get pregnant on the first try. Now that I know we're so careful now!

anon 4-10-2007 @ 2:30AM

You say that you don't want to rub it in, but that's just what you're doing! I have two young children and am expecting #3 this summer. Still, I know so many people who have problems getting pregnant.....I can't help but feel that it's unfair that someone who plans to go back to work right away (to be "fulfilled") will have a baby - when someone who really wants to *be there* for a child does not.

Lisa J. 4-10-2007 @ 10:18AM

"I can't help but feel that it's unfair that someone who plans to go back to work right away (to be "fulfilled") will have a baby - when someone who really wants to *be there* for a child does not."

Please. As a working mother, I can assure you that I am very "there" for my daughter. It's simplistic evaluations like these--working mothers are selfish and not "there," while stay at homes are--fuel the mommy war fires. Enough already!

Marie 4-10-2007 @ 10:30AM

I became pregnant way too soon after my first child and was also feeling "scared and heartbroken." I was unprepared physically, emotionally, and financially, and thus decided to terminate. I didn't want to go through a pregnancy feeling "scared and heartbroken," and felt it wasn't fair to the child either. It was the same situation with my sister (I was planned, she was the too-soon-after accident) and while they tried not to, my parents always treated a little differently and it really impacted her negatively. I didn't want to have another child until I was ready and able to give all that a new baby needs.

Even though I am very pro-choice, it was a hard choice to make after having had the experience of becoming a parent, but I'm so glad I made it--and no one should feel ashamed for making a similar choice, or for thinking about it.

SKL 4-10-2007 @ 1:32PM

Well, if there's one thing that makes infertile women madder than hyper-fertility, it's fertility followed by abortion. I hope most people who make this choice keep it to themselves.

Abortion is also the cause of some cases of fertility. So the shoe could be on the other foot eventually.

SKL 4-10-2007 @ 1:33PM

Typo correction in my second paragraph in my last post: "fertility" should say "infertility." Sorry.

Gabriella 4-10-2007 @ 3:54PM

Unfortunately we are still subjected to women who feel the need to profess that their views on subjects; ie against abortion and staying home to look after children, is the right thing. Women have a right to choose what they do to their bodies and how they choose to raise their family. We all have a right and freedom to express how we feel whether everyone out there agrees or not. There is no need to put down another women on how they choose to live.

SKL 4-10-2007 @ 8:49PM

Gabriella, I wasn't putting down somebody's choice, but this thread is about how many fertile women walk on eggshells out of consideration for the sensitivities of infertile women. Personally I have seen infertile women really, really hurt by the double whammy of not only seeing other women get pregnant without even trying, but then discarding something that infertile women have been wishing and trying for all their lives. Would you take a truckload of fresh food to a starving village, and then burn it in the village square? I really think people who have abortions should be at least as considerate of infertile womens' feelings as the hyper-fertile women who have posted most of the comments in this thread. All I'm suggesting is that they keep it to themselves out of consideration of the women who inspired this thread in the first place.

And I am sure I'm not the only person who ever "professed my views on subjects" here on ParentDish.

Kathy 4-11-2007 @ 8:35PM

As someone who has suffered years of infertility, it is really wonderful to read these comments and know there are those with their own issues on the "other side of the fence" and that so many of you are sensitive and understanding to the hurt and pain that so many infertile couples suffer, often in silence. Infertility is a very lonely disease. I just wanted to thank you guys on this blog for writing these comments. You are indeed very blessed and lucky to be so fertile!
I consider myself one of the lucky ones, I am now 29 weeks pregnant after 4 rounds of IVF treatment. I am grateful for each day I have been able to carry this baby and cannot wait for the day I will finally meet him/her.

Marie 4-11-2007 @ 11:49AM

I'm very sorry if my experience was upsetting to you, SKL. I did not mean to be insensitive, but I can certainly see how it would be upsetting/hurtful. But, again, that was not my attention. I just know that my experience was very difficult, and I felt like I had no one to talk to, which made it even more painful and isolating. So I was only sharing in the event that there was someone else who had found themselves in a similar place or had experienced similar feelings...not to be insensitive or hurtful. I would certainly not want to do that.

Marie 4-11-2007 @ 11:51AM

sorry.."attention" should be "intention."

Gabriella 4-11-2007 @ 12:24PM

The meaning of my post was that I'm sure Marie's decision to terminate her pregnancy was a very difficult one and to then have the courage to write about it and be judged for her choice is something I'm sure she wasn't looking for. We as women should support each other, especially as mothers, rather than put down a women's choice on what I know was a very difficult decision.

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