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Who wears the pants in your relationship?
Filed under: Just For Moms, Big Kids, Just For Dads, Sex
My mother always told me that in relationships, one partner usually takes the dominant role. She didn't see this as a negative thing and neither do I. She didn't believe the person in charge always had to be the man, but it most definitely was in her marriage. Dad was a smart, decisive, and opinionated person. Mom was easygoing and appreciated having someone take care of things and make decisions for her.
As a child, I identified with my father in most ways. We were very much alike, which lead to a lot of power-struggles and head-butting, but ultimately resulted in me growing up to be a strong, dominant person myself. Spending all of my 20's and most of my 30's as a single parent reinforced my independent nature. When I did marry, I chose someone more like my mother in that he is easygoing and doesn't feel the need to be in charge.
I don't think of myself as 'wearing the pants' in our family. I see it more as taking responsibility. My husband works a full time job and I do everything else. I control the finances because I pay the bills. I decide what we eat because I do the grocery shopping.
Last night, my husband and I were talking about our parents and the effects their relationships had on us as children. He wondered if the fact that I seem to be in charge in our home would have an impact on Ellie and her perception of men. I think it probably will, but not necessarily in a negative way. I think as long as our relationship is respectful, seeing me as a strong female role model should be an empowering experience for her.
Most of the women I know are in more traditional marriages where their husbands make all the decisions. What about your family? Who wears the pants in your house?
As a child, I identified with my father in most ways. We were very much alike, which lead to a lot of power-struggles and head-butting, but ultimately resulted in me growing up to be a strong, dominant person myself. Spending all of my 20's and most of my 30's as a single parent reinforced my independent nature. When I did marry, I chose someone more like my mother in that he is easygoing and doesn't feel the need to be in charge.
I don't think of myself as 'wearing the pants' in our family. I see it more as taking responsibility. My husband works a full time job and I do everything else. I control the finances because I pay the bills. I decide what we eat because I do the grocery shopping.
Last night, my husband and I were talking about our parents and the effects their relationships had on us as children. He wondered if the fact that I seem to be in charge in our home would have an impact on Ellie and her perception of men. I think it probably will, but not necessarily in a negative way. I think as long as our relationship is respectful, seeing me as a strong female role model should be an empowering experience for her.
Most of the women I know are in more traditional marriages where their husbands make all the decisions. What about your family? Who wears the pants in your house?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-11-2007 @ 3:46PM
Marcia said...My hubby pays the bills but that's about the extent of an extra roll he has in our home. We have a joint bank account but no one controls what the other buys. He keeps tabs on how much money there is in it and makes sure we don't get close to overdrafting, which I hardly ever spend much anyways unless it's for gas, groceries, or baby supplies. We've been together almost 6 years and it's always been this sort of give and take relationship where no one was really 'dominant' and that's how I like it to be. We're both very strong independent minds. We could either work together or against each other and I like our partnership in life.
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4-11-2007 @ 3:59PM
Trisha said...We have had a give-and-take relationship like the PP, but it's been different by choice now. My husband is in law school and where before we both kept up to date on bank accounts, bills etc, we needed to free up his time for school. I do the bill paying, account managing, grocery shopping, and make appts for anything that needs fixing, like the car. He pretty much eats and sleeps here! ha, really it's been an adjustment for him, he LOVES being involved with our finances- which I think is great. We will eventually shift to a more comfortable ratio once he's done with school and feels like he has free time to be more involved.
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4-11-2007 @ 5:00PM
Amanda said...I "wear the pants" in my house. I don't really care for being the pants wearer but the only other option is to let my husband rule and my husband is incapable of making his own decisions or having original thoughts! He can't even decide where to go out to eat unless I scream at him to just effing DECIDE ALREADY! For once can I just be along for the ride and not have to make ALL the decisions????!!!!!
*sigh*
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4-11-2007 @ 6:25PM
Ethel said...You know, I don't believe that one person needs to be in charge or is always in charge. I grew up with two parents that worked together and stood behind the other when decisions had to be made without the other. I do think that is possible in a relationship and I am doing that with my husband - and that means that sometimes I am unhappy with the choices he makes and have to live with them (like, why do we need a 8' tall cross buck in our front room? Why do we have it at all?) There are however, areas of expertise, and we defer to the expert at those times. And there is who makes a decision first....
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4-11-2007 @ 6:59PM
Jeff Williams said...I guess in our home either we both wear no pants, or we both wear pants, whichever floats your boat. My wife and I try to talk about stuff in advance and make decisions together.
In those instances where we can't do that, one of us makes the decision, and the other supports it 100%. Even if we don't like it. If we don't like it, we will discuss what it is we didn't like and why, and if something similar comes up again, we both get our say.
The only other area where we make life decisions independently is where one of us has a great deal more expertise than the other. In those circumstances, we trust the other will do the best to represent the best interests of our family.
But it's not about "wearing the pants." It's about trust and mutual respect. I think anything else has the potential to alienate the other spouse and create long term issues in a relationship.
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4-11-2007 @ 7:33PM
Nancy Toby said...Chalk me up as one who is uncomfortable with the "wear the pants" phrase. We all do in my household, actually.
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4-11-2007 @ 9:34PM
SKL said...My mom was definitely the more dominant person on day-to-day things. My dad was pretty OK with her decisions, I think because it meant less responsibility for him. They discussed things, but she usually had the stronger views and the gumption to put things in motion. But on those rare occasions when there was a very important issue on which my parents didn't agree, even after my mom tried very hard to convince my dad, she would give in on that point. She explained to me that she believed it was more important to keep the family together, and that when agreement on key issues is impossible, she defaulted to the Bible's statement that the man is the head of the family.
I know many won't agree with this approach, and I'm not sure I would. (Since I'm single, it's a moot point for me). But for me, this was a lesson that you can be a strong woman and still not insist on having your way. I actually really respect that my mom took that approach. In the long run, it really worked out for the best.
I should note that my mom's parents divorced when she was a teen, so it wasn't that she was from some medieval background that didn't believe in divorce or believed women should have no rights. Hers was a very individual approach based on her own independent reasoning.
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4-12-2007 @ 5:27AM
Cheli said...I most definately wear the pants in our family.. my husband is the easy going laid back type and I on the other hand try to manage everything for everyone. Many people see me as being pushy/bossy etc because my husband isn't the dominanting one but it works for us.. most of the time. We have a 1 year old son and I wonder sometimes how our relationship will effect his outlook on both sexes roles.
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4-12-2007 @ 9:53AM
wookie said...I think I'm "Operations" and my husband is "Management"... he's in charge of the long term financial goals/debt/bills, but I'm in charge of the gas, groceries, medical bills/appointments, car repairs, home maintenance all the little nitty gritty things.
If I'm planning on shopping for something out of the ordinary (ie- I need 2 pairs of summer pants for work, or the kids need spring coats and boots) I'll tell him my $ range and he'll either say okay or tell me to hold off until we've got the money in the account. If it's a larger job (ie- replacing carpets) we sit down about 3-4 times a year and go over the master list, pick what jobs we think we can afford to do in the next few months.
He has a lot more trouble with impulse spending than I do, but we've both got a weekly "slush fund" that we can get a coffee or buy a magazine with that is part of our budget.
We just have different focuses. For us, this works reasonably.
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4-12-2007 @ 11:53AM
JenInTX said...There is no such thing as 50-50, but I agree we need a better phrase than "wearing the pants". It seems like I used to make ALL the decisions, and that was tiring and frustrating. I felt like my husband just didn't care, and would roll with whatever I said. But now it seems like the scales have tipped the other way. It's not working out all that well. But because of everything I have to deal with now with the kids, I just don't have time to micromanage everything.
We've had a major role reversal, and we're both still trying to adjust to our new roles.
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4-12-2007 @ 9:23AM
Jill said...I make the day to day decisions about the house and kids, but always give my husband veto power on big stuff. On all important decisions we do it together, but it isn't really a good system. I'm a "get it planned early, prepare for every outcome" kind of person and he hates planning or making decisions. BUT he doesn't want me to make them all, so we struggle through it.
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4-12-2007 @ 11:39AM
A said...I get to "wear the pants" whenever she lets me. ;)
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4-12-2007 @ 2:15PM
Morgaine said...My husband thinks that he does, which is the way I try to keep it. As long as he thinks that then everything is smooth. So, I suppose that I do, but when it comes down to it my 15yr. old daughter does.
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4-12-2007 @ 9:19PM
Uly said...You have friends in relationships where one partner makes ALL the decisions? Is that even healthy? Whatever happened to adults sharing decision-making, something I suspect is far more traditional than one person setting the rules.
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