Sharon Stone Sued By Former Nanny
My kid is a tattle tale
Filed under: Development/Milestones: Babies
Recently, Charlie has entered the Tattling Phase. When I pick him up at school each afternoon, he tells me who of his friends got into trouble that day; when he and Henry play together, he dutifully reports every infraction his brother commits. I'm not crazy about the tattling, but I also find this phase kind of interesting, because I can't help wondering what it is that makes him think it's okay--even necessary--to tattle.
Apparently, some of it is age; according to a 2005 article from Parents magazine, tattle tale behavior often peaks between four and five years of age. Charlie is four and a half, so we're right on there. The article goes on to say that tattling is a way for kids to express their knowledge of the difference between right and wrong, which is a good thing. But when kids tattle as a way to get attention or simply to get another kid in trouble, it stops being a useful developmental phase and becomes a problem.
So what do you do when your child tattles? We have talked a lot about this at my house. Tattling drives me crazy; I don't need to know every single time one of my children touches something that the other was was playing with. I want them to learn to work it out themselves, to use their words and not their fists, and to come to some kind of compromise, on their own. I want Charlie to understand that he doesn't have to report on his brother to get attention from me.
But I also want them to understand that there will be times when they will need to go to an adult, when it will not be enough to use their words. I want them to know that if someone is picking on them or bullying them, they can always ask for help, from me or from a teacher or from whatever adult is in charge. I want them to be comfortable standing up for themselves, but I also want them to know when they need help.
When Charlie comes to me to tattle on his brother, or anyone, I remind him to use his words. I help him decide what to say, and then send him back to deal with it himself. I try not to intervene, unless I can tell (and I usually can, because there will be yelling and wrestling) that the boys just aren't able to work it out on their own. Recently, when he comes to announce Henry's latest infraction, I've started asking, "Is it hurting you, what he's doing?" If the answer is no, which it usually is, then I remind Charlie that he doesn't have to play with his brother, he is welcome to go in another room and play. But if he wants to play with Henry, he needs to work things out with Henry, without my help.
What do you do when your kids tattle? And how are you teaching them the difference between tattling and asking for help?
Apparently, some of it is age; according to a 2005 article from Parents magazine, tattle tale behavior often peaks between four and five years of age. Charlie is four and a half, so we're right on there. The article goes on to say that tattling is a way for kids to express their knowledge of the difference between right and wrong, which is a good thing. But when kids tattle as a way to get attention or simply to get another kid in trouble, it stops being a useful developmental phase and becomes a problem.
So what do you do when your child tattles? We have talked a lot about this at my house. Tattling drives me crazy; I don't need to know every single time one of my children touches something that the other was was playing with. I want them to learn to work it out themselves, to use their words and not their fists, and to come to some kind of compromise, on their own. I want Charlie to understand that he doesn't have to report on his brother to get attention from me.
But I also want them to understand that there will be times when they will need to go to an adult, when it will not be enough to use their words. I want them to know that if someone is picking on them or bullying them, they can always ask for help, from me or from a teacher or from whatever adult is in charge. I want them to be comfortable standing up for themselves, but I also want them to know when they need help.
When Charlie comes to me to tattle on his brother, or anyone, I remind him to use his words. I help him decide what to say, and then send him back to deal with it himself. I try not to intervene, unless I can tell (and I usually can, because there will be yelling and wrestling) that the boys just aren't able to work it out on their own. Recently, when he comes to announce Henry's latest infraction, I've started asking, "Is it hurting you, what he's doing?" If the answer is no, which it usually is, then I remind Charlie that he doesn't have to play with his brother, he is welcome to go in another room and play. But if he wants to play with Henry, he needs to work things out with Henry, without my help.
What do you do when your kids tattle? And how are you teaching them the difference between tattling and asking for help?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-12-2007 @ 2:52PM
Ann Adams said...One of the hardest jobs for me has always been teaching them the difference between tattling and reporting a problem.
And the experts may be right about it beginning with kids the ages of yours. IT DOES NOT END THERE!!
I was trying to type this while breaking up a finger pointing war (over nothing at all) between the youngest (11) and the oldest (14). I sometimes think it will never end.
I've begun telling them that unless there is blood flowing down the hallway or the house is on fire I don't want to hear it.
It doesn't work.
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4-12-2007 @ 4:46PM
Amanda said...My daughter has started tattling too, however, she's only two. so she can't really talk that much but she usually runs and tells her daddy if I reprimand her for something. he always tells her to 'mind mommy' or 'behave' which she understands, I think. but she just started this all of a sudden and it worries me a little...is she going to be an obnoxious tattle tale??
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4-16-2007 @ 1:32PM
megan said...i just attended a two-day seminar by nancy thomas, an expert on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). she talked about tattling, among other things. she described the difference between tattling and not-tattling as follows: telling on someone when they are behaving in a way that will harm themselves or others is NOT tattling...telling on someone to make someone else look bad and elevate their own self esteem IS tattling and needs to be addressed.
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