To snip or not to snip -- that is the question

by Nadine Silverthorne (Subscribe to Nadine Silverthorne's posts) Apr 15th 2007 6:03PM

When I was barfing and exhausted a few weeks ago, my husband and I decided that we would call it quits upon the arrival of the second child. Not marital quits, but reproductive quits. My husband does not want anymore children, and frankly, I'd rather not be pregnant again. He feels more strongly about this than I, so I suggested he consider a vasectomy, being that we are highly likely to get pregnant again if he doesn't.

Then we spent Easter weekend with my extended family. My cousin's wife, whom we lovingly call Texan Martha Stewart, had lovingly decorated plastic eggs filled with chocolates for the Easter egg hunt. Her three boys tore through them in 30 seconds. Then the talk turned to sports and practices, and in that moment I got a window into what my life might be like should I have another boy.

I realized I'm not ready to close the door on a third child just yet.

I know vasectomies are reversable, but the husb's already said he would not go under the knife down there twice. We've watched our friends go through adoption, and though I'm for it, my husband does not wish to explore this path.

I am a girly girl -- though I have the sense of humour of a 14-year-old boy. I grew up with an equally girly sister, mother and aunt. I have always dreamed of having a girl. What if I don't get one? I will love whatever comes out of this body, regardless. But what if I push to try a third time for a girl and end up with another boy instead? How will I maintain my female interests with four men in the house?

I know that it's silly to think about these things. That they are inconsequential in the grander scheme of things and that love and family are all that truly matter. But I think that part of me would mourn the daughter I never had.

What about you? Did you have a similar experience? Or perhaps, you're the mom of three or more boys and have some positive anecdotes to share with me. Or the reverse: were you trying for a son only to have daughter after daughter? I'd like to hear your stories.

Comments (9)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

William 4-15-2007 @ 10:14PM

First of all, you can't have it both ways- you can't decide to not have any more children, and take actions appropriately, but then still expect you can change your mind as a reserve option. You are either definitely NOT going to have more children or, maybe, you are. My wife has 2 grown kids, and I have 3 under 14. We DEFINITELY did not want any more. She had her tubes tied (which is NOT reversible), which I preferred- I have issues with the side effects of vasectomy. She preferred it also- she has no doubts about her position on more kids.

Lauren 4-15-2007 @ 11:33PM

I think it can be a difficult decision, Nadine. I am kind of in the same boat as you, with the "what if" plague. My husband and I have decided that we will not pursue permanent sterilization, but rather stick with another method of birth control.

Ask us again in 10 years, but I am pretty sure we will stick with our original decision.

Good luck!

SKL 4-16-2007 @ 3:53AM

Both vasectomies and tubal ligations are reversible. (My niece was born after her mother reversed hers 15 years ago.)However, it seems like a lot of intrusive surgery which I personally wouldn't take lightly.

I think many people who start out thinking they'd like a balance of girls and boys decide to try one or two extra times if they don't achieve that balance with the number of kids they originally planned for. The odds are decent that it won't take too many more tries to conceive a girl. However, I know one family that had six boys before they got their longed-for daughter. (Their boys are remarkably good and helpful children, by the way; otherwise they might not have been willing to try that many times.)

I would suggest not making such an important decision during or immediately after a pregnancy. After a new household rhythm is established, both you and your husband may be more willing to consider #3. I do know families with three boys that are not unduly chaotic. Usually one of the boys has a personality that balances the others - e.g., a mild-mannered boy in-between two rough-and-tumble types. However, I think you'll have a better feel for whether #3 is in your future after you really know what you are in for with #2.

Jamie 4-16-2007 @ 4:29PM

I am pregnant with my second boy. Everyone in my family set me up to think that this pregnancy would put a little girl in my arms. One of my playgroup moms just had a girl 8 months ago and I am 6 months pregnant and therefore I quickly attached onto my baby Magen thinking about how I would dress my little girl and what I would name her. Well, the ultrasound was VERY clear that this baby is not a girl. My Husband and I wanted to stop at 2 no matter the outcome. My Husband is older by 12 years and will be into retirement age when our kids are going through college. Who am I to say, lets try again! Having children living in your home when you are in your seventies is the new black! Uh, not gunna fly. I had my mourning period and now I am ok with it. In fact for Mother's day I allowed myself to shop online and I bought as many pink things as I could tolerate to counteract all of the testosterone that will be in this house. My Mother and I have also come to the conclusion that with all boys, they can have a boy’s day out with Dad and Grandpa and she and I can have a girl’s day out. Life will be different than I expected, but I know I will still enjoy it.

I know the decision to stop having children is a difficult one. If it helps to know, there is no guarantee that the girl you would have would turn out to be a girlie girl. There is every good chance with three boys in the house that you might end up with a Tomboy. Just be careful to make the decision for the right reasons. If you want more children, then go for it and you cannot be disappointed boy or a girl. Otherwise it might not be worth the risk.
I know the decision is a difficult one. If it helps to know, there is no guarantee that the girl you would have would turn out to be a girlie girl. There is every good chance with three boys in the house that you might end up with a Tomboy. Just be careful to make the decision for the right reasons. If you want more children, then go for it and you can not be dissapointed boy or a girl. Otherwise it might not be worth the risk.

I wish you all the best,

Jamie

melanie 4-16-2007 @ 8:20AM

first of all to the first commenter...a tubal is reversible. althought it isnt 100% and it isnt something you shouldnt plan on doing. the idea of a tubal ligation or vasectomy should be the end of reproducing. it is costly to have either reversed and insurance very rarely would cover that, almost never. plus it is never 100% on a reversal. so you may pay all that money for nothing. you should be totally sure before you get something so final done. i have 4 kids, 1 girl and 3 boys. my days are hectic. i love that i have 4 kids but it is hard to give each one the individual attention they would get if there were only 1 or 2. my girl is 6 yrs older than the first boy and then there is 19 months between child #2 and #3 and then 14 months between #3 and #4 so the 3 boys are very close together. it is rough some days. but it is wonderful all at the same time. i knew after i had my second child that i wasnt stopping there. i knew for sure i was going to have 3. i wouldve never imagined that i would have 4 but that is ultimately what i wanted. the decision is yours and your husbands alone. i wish you luck in whatever you decide!!

d 4-16-2007 @ 2:40PM

I would wait til preg is over and see what you get and how you feel having 2. Then in a year if still strong on the no front then go ahead. That is my plan.
scary though thinking of an unplanned pregnancy especially when have 2 already.......and we all know what happened to E. ha

Mammacheryl 4-16-2007 @ 9:39AM

My husband and I are in our mid-twenties and we'll be shutting down the baby factory after our second child is born in November, regardless of gender. We both decided early on in our relationship that two pregnancies would be enough. If later on we can afford more children, we'll adopt, something we both have open hearts about.

Our families think we're kind of crazy to do something like that when we're so young. But we both don't relish the idea of years of fertility ahead of us, trying to control it with chemicals and natural family planning.

We decided that if I end up needing a c-section with this baby, I'll get a tubal ligation. If I don't, he'll get the snip.

Sophie. 4-16-2007 @ 12:50PM

for us, it was a bit different. I become pregnant easily and OBGYNs are very clear that a 3rd pregnancy coud kill me.
it took us about a year to aknowledge the finality of the situation (while on reliable birth control). And I got myself "cut" - the whole NOT reversible way. My tubes are gone. I still have eggs, and we could still go the fertility way (getting the eggs etc). But actually, the surgery was scheduled at the same time we got our home study approved, and we have a very beautiful THIRD BOY home with us!
It's so funny that people were asking if we were attempting a girl during the second preg. But when we came with a *chosen* third boy - nobody even asked about a girl. You dont "adopt" by mistake, and you certainly dont adopt a boy (or a girl) by mistake.
We have no regrets whatsoever. And I'm finaly relived of the abortion risk (had the birth control not worked, it would have been a painful decision to choose between the fetus life and my own life [which would have meant BOTH lives]).
With lemons, make limonade.

now about snipping dad or snipping mum? it's my life in danger, We chose to protect my body. This is between YOU and YOUR husband.

Ethel 4-16-2007 @ 1:33PM

You know, I believe if you feel ambivalent don't go with a permanent solution. So many families that I know are going with either vasectomy or tubal ligation that it makes me queasy. There is a finality coming down the pipeline soon enough, I am not interested in shutting down my own fertility just yet. Mostly becuase I want two mean little girls and have two sweet baby boys instead.

Look into a copper IUD, or even a progesterone one. I think your fertility would be brought into check - it has been successful for us in our mid-30s hyper-fertility (no joke), and for other women I know who have hyper-fertility. There are drawbacks, but if you have doubts about not having another kid and other methods don't work it might be the best solution.

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