Baby shower etiquette

by Kristin Darguzas (Subscribe to Kristin Darguzas's posts) Apr 16th 2007 8:33AM

One of my dear friends is due to have her first baby in less than a month. We have a common group of friends, a vivacious circle of truly spirited women. We all have our twenty-something pasts in common, late nights slinging beers to rowdy regulars and overzealous University students.

There are about fifteen of us, all in various stages of life, ranging in age from mid-twenties to mid fifties. Late last week, we all realized that Jane's due date was getting close and that we'd better get on top of the baby shower thing. I volunteered to buy cupcakes and coffee and to host it at my house. My best friend and I were going through the guest list when we hit a bit of a snag.

One of our comrades recently experienced a devastating miscarriage. She had announced the pregnancy with flourish and excitement a few months ago, and then, sadly, lost her baby at three and a half months. We all felt terrible. She has an insanely adorable 4-year-old son, and could possibly contend for world's best Mother. But at 38 years old, her chances of conceiving naturally might be limited, and so this was an especially hard blow.

"Do we invite her?" I asked Mel,"I don't know. It might be too hard."
"Of course we invite her, she's part of the crowd," she replied.

But I wasn't so sure. I've read a lot of infertility journals, and though I've never experienced a miscarriage, I have a toddler and I think I can fathom the disappointment. I wasn't sure whether it would be worse to not include her, or invite her and run the risk of deepening her pain.

In the end, we invited her, and she came, and it was fine. But I wonder - would you invite a friend who is struggling to have a baby to a baby shower? What's worse -- the feeling of not being included or the sadness of what could have been. I'm really not too sure myself.

Comments (12)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Nancy Toby 4-16-2007 @ 8:52AM

If she's a friend in your circle - she definitely should have been invited. She's an adult. It's HER decision to make whether it would bother her too much, not yours. Deciding for her would have been patronizing at best, and at worst, an additional hurt added on top of the hurt of losing her child. Never fear reminding people about the loss of a loved one - you don't have to remind them. They remember every single day.

Amy 4-16-2007 @ 8:53AM

I experienced a miscarriage at 17 weeks w/ my 1st pregnancy. I remember attending a baby shower shortly after and it being hard. But I wouldn't have missed it and would have hated not being invited.

Laura 4-16-2007 @ 9:04AM

If it was me and I wasn't invited, I'd feel hurt. Maybe instead of just sending an invite, letting the friend know first would be a nice gesture. But it's her decision whether or not she goes I think.

ashley 4-16-2007 @ 9:18AM

i had a miscarriage at 3 months a few years ago. a close friend of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 3 weeks later. it was a little hard, after all that should have been me in a few months. but that also didn't take away any of they happiness i felt for my friend. it wasn't her fault i lost the baby. she did feel a little funny around me at first and was suprised when i showed up at the hospital to visit(she told me this a few months later) but was glad i did.

i know have 2 beautiful kids of my own 1 & 2. and i feel so blessed.

i am glad you still invited your friend, i think it would have been harder for her had she not been invited. its one thing to be considerate ( maybe letting her know she didn't have to come if she didn't feel up to it) but to exclude her, in my opinion, might have made her feel like you pity her. and no one likes that feeling.

Susan Wagner 4-16-2007 @ 9:49AM

We went through two and a half years of infertility, at a time when everyone we knew, it seemed, was having babies. I was invited to a LOT of baby showers, and I always appreciated that my friends were including me in the celebrations. I think that positive energy kept me from wallowing in my own sadness.

I would say yes, invite the friend who had the miscarriage or is struggling to conceive; if she feels like it will be too hard for her to be at someone else's shower, she can decline.

Ann Adams 4-16-2007 @ 9:57AM

If she's someone you would have invited otherwise, invite her and let her be the one to make the decision.

Personally, I think I'd be hurt if I were left out.

Lauren 4-16-2007 @ 11:39AM

It sounds like she is a close friend... and probably would have been devastated if she were not invited.

I know I would. You did the right thing!

CLM 4-16-2007 @ 12:14PM

I think the feeling of not being included would be adding salt to the wound. Not only would you be dealing with the sadness of infertility, you would have to deal with the fact that your friends are excluding you from a joyful event essentially BECAUSE of your infertility. There would be no real way to avoid the implication that you weren't a big enough person to celebrate another's joy because of your own situation.

Groovymarlin 4-16-2007 @ 12:29PM

God of COURSE the friend who had the miscarriage should be invited. It's her decision to attend or not, but not inviting her would, I think, just make her feel even worse. A friend of mine was struggling to get pregnant last year while I was pregnant. I felt funny talking about my pregnancy and the baby's impending arrival around her with too much gusto. One time I just flat out told her, and she assured me that I should never feel that way - she was thrilled for me and shared my happiness, and would continue to hope for it for herself some day. Well, she's pregnant with triplets now. :)

Katrina 4-16-2007 @ 2:25PM

Im amazed this was even a question. Lets exclude a women who expeirenced a horrible thing and make her feel like even MORE of an outsider. Of course you invite her and then its up to her, everyone is different. But I would be so hurt if it were me and I wasnt invited.

earthurs1975 4-16-2007 @ 3:28PM

You definately did the right thing. last year I was pregnant with my son and my sister was having trouble conceiving... she was the one who held my shower! Now she is pregnant due in June, and her sister-in-law threw her shower, but is undergoing infertility treatments...so who knows it might be good luck for her.

masey gray 4-17-2007 @ 1:50PM

I think it's definitely good to invite her. I've had two miscarriages in the past year, the first actually happened THE DAY I was hosting a baby shower for one of my best friends (i.e. I left in the middle to go to hospital). The irony was palpable...but I didn't in any way resent that my friend was having a baby, or not want to share in her experience. I guess everyone's different, but I'm surrounded by 30-something friends having babies. If I avoided everything to do with babies these days I wouldn't have much of a social life! And like others have said, the worst thing would be to feel shut out of your social circle when the thing you want most is support and friendship!