AP writer exposes how horrible it is that so many parents bribe their children these days

by J.D. Griffioen (Subscribe to J.D. Griffioen's posts) Apr 17th 2007 5:27PM

Categories: Just For Moms, Babies, Toddlers, Preschoolers, Just For Dads, Fun & Activities, Eating & Nutrition, Sleep

Bribery: it's a word mostly associated with corrupt authorities and politicians, but some journalist thought it was about time to accuse parents of the same thing for simply giving their children treats for good behavior. AP writer Martha Irvine writes, "Often the rewards are for behaviors their own parents would have simply expected, just because they said so. The new dynamic -- sometimes seen as a backlash to that strictness -- has some parenting experts wondering if today's parents have gone too soft."

Sound the alarms! Martha Irvine has discovered another way that today's parents are far worse than the many thousands of generations of parents that preceded them. Her next report: "Where are the Morals of These Kids Today With Their Skimpy Clothes and Video Games?" followed in a few years by, "Damn Kids Get Off My Lawn!"

To support her extremely in-depth 945-word article, Ms. Irvine consults two mothers and two "experts," one of whom suggests that today's parents are turning their kids into materialistic brats who don't know how to appreciate anything.

Yawn. I'll eat my laptop if my grandparents didn't do this to some extent with my parents as toddlers, or if Julius Caesar's didn't do it with him or if little Yuk-Yuk in the jungles of New Guinea four-thousand years ago didn't get an extra grubworm from his parents for crapping outside the hut rather than inside. Sometimes I get so sick of journalists and their shallow, transparent efforts to manufacture crises to make us all feel like crap.

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Comments (16)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Jeannie 4-17-2007 @ 5:42PM

How about if you actually link to the article so that we may decide for ourselves? Your post smacks of one-sided bias.

I thought you were gone... =(

Brian 4-17-2007 @ 6:04PM

If you don't think today's kids are materialistic brats and that today's parents are MUCH worse than 15 years ago you must not have been out in public in a long, long time.

My mother has been teaching 3 year olds for almost 30 years now, try telling her today's kids and parents are the same.

SKL 4-17-2007 @ 6:04PM

I read the AP article yesterday. I don't put a lot of stock in journalists' opinion of childrearing, but I must agree I see a lot of that and it isn't really healthy.

It always makes me cringe when a kid is acting horrible and his/her parent says, "If you stop doing what you already know you aren't allowed to do and stop screaming about it within less than 20 minutes thereafter, we'll give you a treat." Kids whose parents resist the temptation to bribe have these "natural toddler / preschool meltdowns" a lot less often than kids whose parents bribe them. And as kids become more and more unmanageable due to this tactic (coupled with his intelligence), parents make more and more bad parenting choices as a result - like feeding their kids crap because that's all they will eat, letting them go outside in winter without a coat to stop them from screaming in public, and missing out on learning / social opportunities because the child can't be trusted to behave. Meanwhile the child spends far too much of his time crying instead of enjoying life. To say nothing about your own social life.

Just bite the bullet and discipline your kids early. "Just say NO." A little short term pain for long term gain. It will make your life, their life, and yes, my life a lot happier.

kat 4-17-2007 @ 6:10PM

jeannie, the "read" link will click-thru to the article.

Nicola 4-17-2007 @ 6:59PM

I have to agree with J.D. on this one. We were never "coached" about using a token reward system in order to get the toddler to do things that toddlers do not want to do. It is simply human nature. You can bully, yell, and scream, yes, that might work. Or, you can offer said toddler a little tidbit, in our home usually a sticker or temporary tattoo, and voila!, he performs the undesirable task.

I tend to notice parents in two camps. Those that offer a small "bribe" and do so in the understanding that a three year old is not an adult and that a token reward system can be very useful in making a three year old do the things that he/she does not want to do. Because he/she is three. And then there are those who simply take the "DO IT BECAUSE I SAID SO" route. Which children seem more happy, well adjusted, and outgoing? Just my perception.

Nat 4-17-2007 @ 7:06PM

Oh JD, how I've missed your delicious snarkiness. I'm glad you've resurfaced.

I don't, for a minute, believe there's a parent out there who hasn't, even once, in a fit of total frustration, tried to bribe their kid to stop what their doing. Nor do I believe that offering the occasional treat (and no, it doesn't have to be food or even anything tangible)for behaving or not throwing a tantrum at Macy's makes you a bad parent.

SKL 4-17-2007 @ 7:37PM

Nicola, it's my personal observation that kids who are rarely bribed / cajoled take much less time to get past life's little disappointments and get back to having fun. Also, they get more chances to receive positive attention from a variety of people if they know how to behave. As a result, the ones who are lovingly disciplined early on seem happiest to me.

tuliptoe 4-17-2007 @ 7:47PM

Hey J.D.! Thanks for the link to the article. I am also tired of the whole "you are a bad parent because..." articles.
"I thought you were gone... =("
I thought this comment was one-sided and biased so my comment is "Hey! Glad to see you back over here."

Nicola 4-17-2007 @ 7:48PM

You know, SKL, he actually does do things for other people. Because deep down he's a good kid. But for me, when I ask him all day every day to use the potty (big at the moment) or clean up his toys or please get out the door with a minimum of fuss, well, he hasn't got a lot of intrinsic motivation left by 9am. Thus, we offer a "reward" when things go particularly well. I would call it a reward, rather than a bribe perhaps, as we don't go through the day saying, "If you do this, we'll give you that...". Rather, we give lots of positive praise and, say, a sticker or tattoo, when he's done the right thing. Hoping that he'll remember the happiness in doing the "right thing" the next time along. With other people, he does it simply because he enjoys pleasing them. He pleases me by his very existence and he knows it, so I need a bit of extra help!

Ann Adams 4-17-2007 @ 7:57PM

I can tell the difference between a reward and a bribe too.

Hi J. D. Glad you're back.

rebecca Biernesser 4-17-2007 @ 10:11PM

like Ann, I can tell the difference between a reward and a bribe. And I can see both Nicola's and SKL views.

There is nothing wrong with rewards or bribes, depending on the situations at hand. Using a reward system with a three yr old is a smart way to begin teaching a child to do things like clean his room, ect. And you know bribing is great for those quick thinking, got to do something moments that we all have.

now about the article in hand, I agree that bribary is used way too much and a lot of parents are raising spoiled little brat, I mean children. THe only thing I really think she should have done before writing an article such as this, is get more test subjects/expects. Two of each is not enough, in my opinion, for this type of article.

Ally 4-18-2007 @ 9:45AM

Just wanted to say that I am veryveryveryveryveryvery happy you are back, JD!

Lea at Quick Serve Kids 4-18-2007 @ 12:50PM

I can see both sides. I've seen parents shove snacks into the faces of kids just to quiet them. That's not so good. But a sticker, or reading a book, or waiting patiently in line for one's chocolate milk, then getting to hold it by herself--well, that's all cool, and I've done it a lot, even though I expect good behavior "just because."

Here's why. Very small children don't get the big-picture satisfaction we adults do--like, "This is a great report. It should increase my chances for promotion." Or "Good thing I got my car's oil changed this morning. It really needed it. I'm a good car owner."

A small, immediate reward lets the child know that good things come your way when you choose to do right. But you don't have to do it constantly. Some things we just DO.

_ L
http://www.quickservekids.com

Jenny 4-18-2007 @ 11:32AM

I read the article and the thing I find odd is that the author makes such a wide range of behaviors equivalent. I'm not at all keen on bribing for baseline good behavior. There should be no bribes for going to sleep or for behaving for the babysitter. But bribing a kid to follow you around the mall by saying she can go to her favorite store too? Why not? Following someone else around shopping is not one of those life experiences for which everyone needs to train. In fact, I need a major bribe to follow my sister around the mall, which is a truly painful experience.

Ann Adams 4-18-2007 @ 11:01AM

And then there's incentive.

When the girls were little, I bought each one a package of fancy panties and a bunch of stickers. They got a sticker for each successful potty trip.

The panties stayed unopened in a drawer to be opened as soon as each girl stayed dry for a couple of days in a row.

It sped up the process considerably and I've never considered it bribery.

Stephanie 4-20-2007 @ 10:08AM

Oh, your last paragraph was way too funny. Thanks for making my morning.

What I do hate is seeing parents threaten their children and then not following through. Ex: If you don't stop screaming, we're going to leave right now. But then the kids screams another half hour and the parent just shakes their head and stays.