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My mother-in-law is an expert on everything
Filed under: Big Kids, Relatives
My mother-in-law did a fine job raising her sons and I admire her for that. However, the woman considers herself an expert on everything, especially if it's child-related. She freely offers her advice and criticism whether I have asked for it or not. My own mother raised three children, yet she would never tell me how to raise mine. It's not that my mother doesn't have opinions, she just recognizes that she would be out of line to share them unless asked.
Until recently, my mother-in-law lived in another country and her visits were rare. When she did visit or call, I would bite my tongue and let it pass when she offered her unwanted advice.
But now that she is living in the U.S., she visits more and calls us frequently with her ideas and opinions. On her last visit, she made it clear she did not like our dog. But she didn't stop there. She stated repeatedly, not just in front of Ellie, but to Ellie, that the dog needed to go. Bear in mind the dog had not committed any offense that would justify her expulsion from the family, she simply didn't like her.
Ellie was upset by her comments and it took some talking for me to convince her that that we really weren't getting rid of her dog. My husband and I both told his mother how we felt about her comments and she apologized immediately. But she didn't stop doing it. She continues to inform us of everything she thinks we are doing wrong. And then apologizes for it.
I don't know what to do with this. By this point, I suspect she really is incapable of stopping herself from doing it. Despite all of this, I like my mother-in-law and she likes me. I would like to keep it that way.
If the issue isn't communication - as in her son and I both telling her when she is being inappropriate - then what is it? And how do I stop it before it goes to far and I say something I regret?
Until recently, my mother-in-law lived in another country and her visits were rare. When she did visit or call, I would bite my tongue and let it pass when she offered her unwanted advice.
But now that she is living in the U.S., she visits more and calls us frequently with her ideas and opinions. On her last visit, she made it clear she did not like our dog. But she didn't stop there. She stated repeatedly, not just in front of Ellie, but to Ellie, that the dog needed to go. Bear in mind the dog had not committed any offense that would justify her expulsion from the family, she simply didn't like her.
Ellie was upset by her comments and it took some talking for me to convince her that that we really weren't getting rid of her dog. My husband and I both told his mother how we felt about her comments and she apologized immediately. But she didn't stop doing it. She continues to inform us of everything she thinks we are doing wrong. And then apologizes for it.
I don't know what to do with this. By this point, I suspect she really is incapable of stopping herself from doing it. Despite all of this, I like my mother-in-law and she likes me. I would like to keep it that way.
If the issue isn't communication - as in her son and I both telling her when she is being inappropriate - then what is it? And how do I stop it before it goes to far and I say something I regret?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
4-24-2007 @ 4:55PM
CLM said...Does she do this to everyone in her life, or is it directed primarily at your family? She may either be one of those people who lacks a filter, or have some underlying issue(s) with letting go of her son. Either way, she may want to consider therapy - especially as her actions are impacting your child.
Reply
4-24-2007 @ 5:38PM
sandymaple said...Actually, now that you mention it, she does do this to other people in her life. I believe you may be right about her lacking a filter.
Reply
4-24-2007 @ 11:15PM
Ann Adams said...I had a mother-in-law very like that years ago. She liked me, I liked her, but we were so different.
I dealt with her by smiling sweetly and then doing what I was going to do in the first place.
Unless, of course, her way was better than mine which did happen from time to time. Then I had to remember a good idea can come from anywhere.
Reply
4-25-2007 @ 4:27AM
rumana said...First of all, watch the movie monster-in-law. Then there's another one with Gwyneth Paltrow in it, I can't quite recall the name where the mother in law tries to murder her. Telling u this so that u understand that u have it EASY. I sympathise with you because I go thru the same thing with my mother in law and far WORSE. I have to LIVE with the darned woman. Plus her hobby is to criticise me 5 times a day with regard to my child caring and bad mouth me about to everyone who will care to listen. My daughter is 22 months and she tries to make her dislike me! (though it sure as hell does not work, thank God) Every time she tells her not to do something she brings me into the picture in a negative way: "Don't touch that vase. Your mommy will be mad if you do!" or when she thinks I'm not listening when my daughter goes to spend time with her Gran "Why aren't u with Mommy? Don't u like her?" and things like that. So, thank your lucky stars that you have what you have and not mine. At least urs apologizes. I think the therapy thing is a ridiculous idea by the way. She will hate u for suggesting it.
Reply
4-25-2007 @ 12:33PM
Jessica said...Well, if this is the way she is with other people then it is quite possible she has been this way the majority of her adult life. So the issue isn't lack of filter, but simply habit.
If you guys have a good relationship, I would talk to her about boundries. Then, every time she crosses those boundries, gently remind her that she has crossed boundries. Eventually, a new habit wil be formed and everyone will be satisfied.
Behavior modification isn't just for kids!
Reply
4-26-2007 @ 9:06AM
jpark said...The way I dealt with my mother-in-law during my pregnancy was to just say "I'll keep that in mind." whenever she offered advice (which was often). I didn't commit to following it, and I would just do what I was going to do anyway. In the first months after my son was born however, I finally had to tell her that we were simply not going to talk about certain things because it was making me crazy and upsetting me. I would say that if she will not stop, you may have to decide that certain topics are simply off limits and tell her so. If she has no filter at all (as some have suggested), then banning the most problematic subjects might be easier than trying to get her to change her whole perspective.
Reply
4-26-2007 @ 1:31AM
Margie Marshall said...Does anyone have anything nice to say about their mother-in-law? I've been both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot! You may have a new appreciation for mother-in-laws, I do. It's not easy!
Reply