Parent vs. Parent: Choosing bottle feeding
Categories: Pregnancy & birth
I am an unrepentant bottle feeder. I wasn't always; for years I was a guilt-ridden bottle feeder. I fully intended to breastfeed, for at least the first year, longer if possible. But then my first baby was premature and spent ten days in the NICU, and even though I pumped religiously while he was in hospital, there wasn't enough milk for all the feedings, and when I tried to nurse him at the hospital, he refused to latch on. But I felt guilty, so I kept pumping, for nearly five months, every three hours, day and night. I was miserable. At one point, I turned to a friend for support, and she said, "You HAVE to keep going. It could make a difference of THREE IQ points!" I was astonished--I felt like I was loosing IQ points of my own because I hadn't slept in so long, but she was so very earnest. I felt like a bad mother, at the same time that I was quite literally knocking myself out to do the right thing for my child.
When Charlie came along, two years later, full term and healthy, I thought Okay! THIS time will be different. THIS time I will get it right! THIS time I will be a Good Mommy! Charlie also struggled to latch on properly, and I struggled, again, with production issues. Charlie was always hungry; he would nurse for nearly an hour, sleep for twenty minutes, and be ready to nurse again. But there was nothing there for him, and I would cry and so would he. The lactation consultant suggested that I pump between feedings, and once again I was astonished. How, I asked her, did she suggest I do that, when the baby was only resting for maybe an hour between daytime feedings? And what about my two year old, who was basically running wild all day while I tried to nurse the baby? Was it okay, I asked her, that I was starting to resent everyone around me--the baby for wanting to nurse all the time, my toddler for wanting some attention, my husband for getting me into this in the first place?And then I started listening to myself and I thought, this just isn't going to work. And I weaned Charlie. I don't remember exactly how old he was--a few weeks, maybe?--but I remember feeling like a new person when I stopped nursing. I remember feeling relaxed and happy and rested. I remember being able to look at my son--at both of my sons--and think how much I loved them. I remember handing the baby to my husband at feeding time and curing up in bed with my toddler for a story and some snuggles.
It was the best possible choice for my family.
What I wish, though, was that other people had understood that, and had not felt the need to challenge my decision. Once, when Henry was a tiny baby, and I was still expressing milk for him, I took him to the bookstore, to meet a friend for coffee. While we were there, I gave him a bottle, full of breast milk. A woman a the next table looked down her nose at me and said, "You know, FORMULA is not healthy. BREAST MILK is the best choice." I was too horrified to even respond.
My sons are both healthy and smart; they don't seem to have been harmed by their year of formula. Looking back, I know that I made the right choice, that breastfeeding was not for me. I wasn't able to be a good mother to my sons when I was nursing. I am still a little bit envious of women like Jennifer who are able to work nursing so seamlessly into their lives, but I don't feel guilty about what I chose. Just like Jennifer--just like all of us, really--I did what was best for my family. What I do wish, though, in looking back was that I could have found more support from other moms, that more women like Jennifer could have looked me in the eye and said, "You're doing what works." That would have made the biggest difference of all.
When Charlie came along, two years later, full term and healthy, I thought Okay! THIS time will be different. THIS time I will get it right! THIS time I will be a Good Mommy! Charlie also struggled to latch on properly, and I struggled, again, with production issues. Charlie was always hungry; he would nurse for nearly an hour, sleep for twenty minutes, and be ready to nurse again. But there was nothing there for him, and I would cry and so would he. The lactation consultant suggested that I pump between feedings, and once again I was astonished. How, I asked her, did she suggest I do that, when the baby was only resting for maybe an hour between daytime feedings? And what about my two year old, who was basically running wild all day while I tried to nurse the baby? Was it okay, I asked her, that I was starting to resent everyone around me--the baby for wanting to nurse all the time, my toddler for wanting some attention, my husband for getting me into this in the first place?And then I started listening to myself and I thought, this just isn't going to work. And I weaned Charlie. I don't remember exactly how old he was--a few weeks, maybe?--but I remember feeling like a new person when I stopped nursing. I remember feeling relaxed and happy and rested. I remember being able to look at my son--at both of my sons--and think how much I loved them. I remember handing the baby to my husband at feeding time and curing up in bed with my toddler for a story and some snuggles.
It was the best possible choice for my family.
What I wish, though, was that other people had understood that, and had not felt the need to challenge my decision. Once, when Henry was a tiny baby, and I was still expressing milk for him, I took him to the bookstore, to meet a friend for coffee. While we were there, I gave him a bottle, full of breast milk. A woman a the next table looked down her nose at me and said, "You know, FORMULA is not healthy. BREAST MILK is the best choice." I was too horrified to even respond.
My sons are both healthy and smart; they don't seem to have been harmed by their year of formula. Looking back, I know that I made the right choice, that breastfeeding was not for me. I wasn't able to be a good mother to my sons when I was nursing. I am still a little bit envious of women like Jennifer who are able to work nursing so seamlessly into their lives, but I don't feel guilty about what I chose. Just like Jennifer--just like all of us, really--I did what was best for my family. What I do wish, though, in looking back was that I could have found more support from other moms, that more women like Jennifer could have looked me in the eye and said, "You're doing what works." That would have made the biggest difference of all.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)
Miss 4-30-2007 @ 11:46AM
I don't get why so many mothers today need the "support" of others moms. If y'all really, truly believe you are "doing what is best for your family," why the need for validation??? I suspect it is because you KNOW that you're not doing what is best. Just because breastfeeding, or whatever, makes you tired and cranky, that doesn't mean you should walk away from it.
Also: what is it with the whole "do what's best for YOUR family." Umm. What's best for one is generally what's best for all. What is comfortable is NOT always what is best.
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Monica 4-30-2007 @ 11:52AM
That's crap Miss. The reason people are talking about validation is because for some reason it's become common for people to insert themselves into decisions that SHOULD be made by the family only. From the woman in the coffee shop who thought that she knew more than Susan about her own baby, to the other side where women are chastised for breastfeeding their children without hiding in a dark washroom.
The oversight of society has had many benefits, but like all good things, some people have carried it much farther than it should ever have gone.
Congratulations Susan on finding the answer that works for your own family.
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Susan Wagner 4-30-2007 @ 11:55AM
Miss, what if, instead of talking about support, I had said it this way: what I would have liked was to NOT feel the judgmental glares of other mothers when I pulled a bottle out of my bag to feed my son. Or when I make any other decision about how to raise my children, for that matter.
And I would respectfully disagree that what is best for one family is best for all. There are lots of things that work for one family--yours, perhaps--and not for another. Different families have different needs, and to advocate for a one-size-fits-all approach to parenting overlooks those specific needs.
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Amanda 4-30-2007 @ 12:05PM
This post made me say "Amen, sista!" My daughter refused to latch so I pumped for 6 months. I wanted to make a huge label for her bottles that read "This is breastmilk. I am not Lucifer incarnate."
There are some really great benefits to bottle feeding. I think that if the mother is depressed and anxious and weepy because of all the trials of breastfeeding, it's a natural choice to switch to bottle feeding, for the sake of her sanity and the well-being of her children.
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Lisa J. 4-30-2007 @ 12:09PM
Huge congrats to Parentdish for looking at both perspectives of the feeding issue with thoughtfulness and compassion and for treating both choices as valid. I love that the posters illustrate how it's not some black-and-white moral issue, but a personal decision based on what's best for the mother, baby, and family as a whole. And, either way, the kids will be fine. There is, after all, no magic formula (no pun intended!) for having a happy and healthy child.
Now I only hope this doesn't bring the super judgemental commenters out of the woodwork! Frankly, I think people who harass other mothers about bottle feeding (or for doing longer-term breastfeeding) just have too much time on their hands!
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aprilkelm 4-30-2007 @ 12:15PM
I really wish that more people, even lactation consultants, would be more understanding of people who can't breastfeed. I wanted to do it so bad. But I never got milk. I never experienced one letdown. The lactation consultant told me to pump all day and to let my baby use me as a pacifier and that I would eventually get milk. This was on day nine. My daughter would scream when I tried to make her latch on. I thought she hated me. I was giving her formula and then making her "nurse." On top of that I would pump for 30 minutes and get about 1/2 an ounce. I wish that nurse would have said, "You know, some women can't nurse and we don't know why. But it's okay. You have to do what is best for your baby."
When I finally stopped trying, my baby and I finally bonded the way we should have in the beginning.
It is a common belief that women who don't produce didn't try hard enough, but I have friends who never even tried to nurse and talk about how awful the engorgement was. So it can't be true.
The nurses in the hospital told me that if I would breastfeed I would love it and we would have such a close bond, and I thought I would miss out on all of that. But I didn't.
My daughter is seven months old. She still won't hold her own bottle until after she is finished with it. She is too busy looking into my eyes, fiddling with my jewelry, and touching my face. All things that were presented to me as a breastfeeding plus.
I don't feel like I missed out on anything. Except maybe the super cool feeling of milk shooting out of your boobs!
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Molly 4-30-2007 @ 12:28PM
I think that it's commenters like Miss that make women who aren't able to breastfeed fear to go out in public. What's with the judging? It's not like it's breast milk or vodka. It's formula for goodness sake, not devil juice.
I was able to breastfeed until my daughter was seven months, but I'm sure I would've made the same decision that Susan made if I faced similar circumstances. What is better, a mom that is miserable and not being that best mom she can be to her children, or a sane mom who achieves that balance through formula?
We all know that breast milk is the best, but it just doesn't work out for everyone and the breast milk advocates should recognize that.
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Groovymarlin 4-30-2007 @ 12:32PM
Wonderful piece. Thanks for looking at both sides of the issue. I hope the comment trolls don't come out of the woodwork, and this statement is directed to them: I don't care how smart you think you are, you absolutely DO NOT have the right to tell any mother that her choice is not valid or that she is raising her child wrong, whether it's bottle vs. breast, cloth vs. disposable, daycare vs. stay-at-home. Just BUTT OUT.
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Selfmademom 4-30-2007 @ 12:45PM
Good for you for being honest. I didn't breastfeed, and it worked for my son and I. He's happy, I'm happy and that's what matters. Not what other people think.
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CLM 4-30-2007 @ 1:09PM
I think the most important thing for families is that friends, family and society in general be supportive. Breastfeeding is simply not always an option. As an example, I was born with a cleft palate. I had to be fed every 2 hours and it took about 1 1/2 hours to get the proper amount of liquid into me. I don't know if breast pumps were available back then, but even if they were, when exactly would my mother have pumped? Further, how would it have been helpful for my mother to be told that formula was not healthy? I think she probably felt bad enough under the circumstances (even if it wasn't her fault).
Given that I have generally good health, graduated near the top of my class in high school, scored a nice high SAT score, and was offered a number of college scholarships, I don't think that being formula-fed was a huge physical or intellectual impediment.
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mary 4-30-2007 @ 1:50PM
I can really understand the lure of formula in regards to convenience and time-saving.
I nursed my son while working fulltime, and pumped when necessary. Now that I am trying for baby #2, I really dont know what to do about nursing/pumping again. I already feel like I dont have enough time in the day for one child, let alone the dedicated time/energy it takes to nurse a baby. Even though nursing/pumping was easy for me, I am really struggling with the time issue.
I wish there was a 100% perfect formula that was as nutritious, complete and pure as breastmilk! It just makes me so angry and nervous when I read about formula recalls and suspect ingredients. That is the only problem I have with formula; it just isnt as good.
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nicolebarber 4-30-2007 @ 2:35PM
Don't add more stress to your plate do what you think and feel is the best for you. I breast feed with my first and my second one i didn't, the nurses at the hospital tryed to force me to breast feed my second one but it wasn't working i cried all the time and complained to my husband so finally i recieved wisdom I'm the mother i'll do whats best for me and my daughter she went on formula all of us happy and my daughter happens to be very smart for her age no breast milk needed just a happy and health mom with a very understanding and supportive husband who was happy to feed her at night.
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Marcia 4-30-2007 @ 2:52PM
I did both and that's what worked for us. I had to work full-time and there wasn't anywhere readily available to pump during those hours so I breastfed at home. I do not agree with bashing any mom for doing what she feels is best for her and her child. You are not her. You do not know how she is feeling or how her body is reacting. As long as baby is healthy that's all that matters.
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Mammacheryl 4-30-2007 @ 2:55PM
Pregnant with my second child, I'm facing the daunting decision of whether or not to breastfeed this next baby. With my first, he was early and couldn't figure out how to latch, so I pumped and fed him breastmilk exclusively for four months. It was exhausting work, and due to some duct issues (having only two ducts in my left and eight ducts in my right), I ended up with mastitis five times.
I'm hoping that a miracle will happen and this next baby will be a champion nurser. If that doesn't happen and I have to either pump or formula feed, I think I'll probably just pump for six weeks and then switch to formula.
Oh, and did I mention that I came to these conclusions and decisions with the help of my doctor and nobody else (besides my husband who basically said, whatever you need to do)? I get so frustrated with the sanctimommies who can't seem to understand that breastmilk is best, but not always best for every family? If I had two fully functioning breasts, I probably wouldn't have a problem. But I don't, so I'm going to be flexible and figure out what I can do to stay as healthy as I can so I can care for my children.
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Sophie. 4-30-2007 @ 3:40PM
you know what? it all depend on you.
I bf #1 - with no support and no pro-breast idea. went ok for 7months then as planed I weaned.
I bf #2 - with TONS of support. He has serious food allergies, so he was on my breast for a year - with NO other food. went ok then as we found some safe food, I weaned.
#3 started in NICU - and altho I KNEW everything about pumping - I couldnt resolve myuself to make the lives of FIVE people miserable. He's a born bottle feeder. He refuse to suck on anything. No paci, no thumb, nothing. he doesnt spit, doesnt over drink, he's fed on demand (amount and timing). and he does GREAT.
I had the same remorse - about 3 weeks - or shortchasging him of "love" "skin touch" "boob pleasure" "bonding" and "IQ points". so what???? if it wasdnt for the NICU, he wouldnt be with us. let's be gratefull he's a well adujsted kid and alive and healthy!
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maria 4-30-2007 @ 3:49PM
When I had my first son I was taking a medication for a heart arrythmia - w/out it my heart would race irregularly - up to 200 beats per minute. I was amazed at the number of people who suggested I should stop taking the medication so I could breast feed my son. I really resented how guilty people made me feel. Part of it was my own disappointment - I really wanted to breast feed.
B/t my first and second child I had a procedure done so I didn't need the medication and when #2 son came along w/a serious heart defect, open heart surgery and the NICU - I learned about breast feeding - from the pump. Now - for me - it all worked out wonderfully. Unlike many heart babies, he latched on and nursed like a pro when he was 2 weeks old. But I met so many heart moms who tried so hard to nurse and killed themselves pumping and tube feeding while trying to take care of their families. I kept pointing to my first son - a robust then 2 year old saying - look at him - he's a product of formula and he's doing just fine. If Mom's not healthy she can't take care of anyone.
I don't know what my point is other than - families are different and different things work for different people. When most of us were young formula was considered superior - we survived (of course, my MIL uses that same argument for not using seat belts;)
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Miss 4-30-2007 @ 3:51PM
The problem with families today is that parents (moms, especially) are so focused on being comfortable and liked and doted on that they ignore what is actually best for their kids.
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Nicola 4-30-2007 @ 3:59PM
I was happy to read a thoughtful piece on the more unpopular side of this issue. You should not feel guilty. Your heart was in the right place, but things didn't work out on the breastfeeding front. As you realised, it isn't worth sacrificing your mental well-being or the happiness of your family for this one single benefit. You had many things to factor in and formula was a better choice for your family.
Your statement about cuddling your toddler in bed while your husband was able to feed the baby pretty much summed it up. You made a decision that you felt most benefitted ALL of the family members. Doesn't look like the little guy went hungry or suffered any lasting harm.
I am still nursing my three year old and wouldn't have it any other way. We think that he may wean before college! I really enjoyed reading your piece because you simply explained what did and didn't work for your family, rather than going on the offensive. You knew the benefits of breastfeeding, but it wasn't the best option in your particular situation. Kudos for standing up and being able to say so in an intelligent and reasonable manner.
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SJL 4-30-2007 @ 4:06PM
What's best for your baby is what is best for you and your family. If that means giving your baby bottles of breastmilk or formula then so be it. Having a stressed out, miserable mother is not in anyone's best interest. I've been lucky. My daughter is six weeks old and is nursing like a champ, now. The first two weeks were miserable do to lethargy on her part. I was forced to pump constantly to keep supply up and to keep bottles full for her to be able eat. If it had gone on any longer I too would have thrown in the towel and given her formula.
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Kate 4-30-2007 @ 4:50PM
My son is ten months old. He is now down to nursing once a day when he first gets up(he has been at one nursing session for a few months now) and the rest is formula. I tried so hard to nurse him exclusively, but he was so hungry, and I had no milk yet, so he had his first bottle before we left the hospital. The morning after I made the decision to give him the bottle (at four am, with the baby and I in tears, and the nurse almost there with us) I overheard the night nurse telling my day nurse about what had happened the night before. I was nervous that the day nurse would judge my choice and decision. After all, she had been one of 6 people, including a lactation consultant, my ob and the baby's pediatrician working with me on getting him to nurse. Instead she said "What a smart mom!" That felt great. The bottom line is that yes, breast milk, your breast milk, is the perfect food for your baby. But, when the options are having a healthy, thriving baby that is able to get what he needs, which is food, or having a baby that isn't getting the calories he needs due to whatever reason, to me the decision was easy. Even if your choice to never even try to nurse,I can't judge others for what they choose to do because a)it is none of my business b) I have no control over what any other human does and c) most people don't really care what I think. And frankly, there are far worse things you can give your kids to eat than formula.
Thanks, Susan, and other commenters, for your honesty relating to this subject.
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