Sharon Stone Sued By Former Nanny
Parent vs. Parent: Choosing bottle feeding
Filed under: Your Pregnancy
I am an unrepentant bottle feeder. I wasn't always; for years I was a guilt-ridden bottle feeder. I fully intended to breastfeed, for at least the first year, longer if possible. But then my first baby was premature and spent ten days in the NICU, and even though I pumped religiously while he was in hospital, there wasn't enough milk for all the feedings, and when I tried to nurse him at the hospital, he refused to latch on. But I felt guilty, so I kept pumping, for nearly five months, every three hours, day and night. I was miserable. At one point, I turned to a friend for support, and she said, "You HAVE to keep going. It could make a difference of THREE IQ points!" I was astonished--I felt like I was loosing IQ points of my own because I hadn't slept in so long, but she was so very earnest. I felt like a bad mother, at the same time that I was quite literally knocking myself out to do the right thing for my child.
When Charlie came along, two years later, full term and healthy, I thought Okay! THIS time will be different. THIS time I will get it right! THIS time I will be a Good Mommy! Charlie also struggled to latch on properly, and I struggled, again, with production issues. Charlie was always hungry; he would nurse for nearly an hour, sleep for twenty minutes, and be ready to nurse again. But there was nothing there for him, and I would cry and so would he. The lactation consultant suggested that I pump between feedings, and once again I was astonished. How, I asked her, did she suggest I do that, when the baby was only resting for maybe an hour between daytime feedings? And what about my two year old, who was basically running wild all day while I tried to nurse the baby? Was it okay, I asked her, that I was starting to resent everyone around me--the baby for wanting to nurse all the time, my toddler for wanting some attention, my husband for getting me into this in the first place?And then I started listening to myself and I thought, this just isn't going to work. And I weaned Charlie. I don't remember exactly how old he was--a few weeks, maybe?--but I remember feeling like a new person when I stopped nursing. I remember feeling relaxed and happy and rested. I remember being able to look at my son--at both of my sons--and think how much I loved them. I remember handing the baby to my husband at feeding time and curing up in bed with my toddler for a story and some snuggles.
It was the best possible choice for my family.
What I wish, though, was that other people had understood that, and had not felt the need to challenge my decision. Once, when Henry was a tiny baby, and I was still expressing milk for him, I took him to the bookstore, to meet a friend for coffee. While we were there, I gave him a bottle, full of breast milk. A woman a the next table looked down her nose at me and said, "You know, FORMULA is not healthy. BREAST MILK is the best choice." I was too horrified to even respond.
My sons are both healthy and smart; they don't seem to have been harmed by their year of formula. Looking back, I know that I made the right choice, that breastfeeding was not for me. I wasn't able to be a good mother to my sons when I was nursing. I am still a little bit envious of women like Jennifer who are able to work nursing so seamlessly into their lives, but I don't feel guilty about what I chose. Just like Jennifer--just like all of us, really--I did what was best for my family. What I do wish, though, in looking back was that I could have found more support from other moms, that more women like Jennifer could have looked me in the eye and said, "You're doing what works." That would have made the biggest difference of all.
When Charlie came along, two years later, full term and healthy, I thought Okay! THIS time will be different. THIS time I will get it right! THIS time I will be a Good Mommy! Charlie also struggled to latch on properly, and I struggled, again, with production issues. Charlie was always hungry; he would nurse for nearly an hour, sleep for twenty minutes, and be ready to nurse again. But there was nothing there for him, and I would cry and so would he. The lactation consultant suggested that I pump between feedings, and once again I was astonished. How, I asked her, did she suggest I do that, when the baby was only resting for maybe an hour between daytime feedings? And what about my two year old, who was basically running wild all day while I tried to nurse the baby? Was it okay, I asked her, that I was starting to resent everyone around me--the baby for wanting to nurse all the time, my toddler for wanting some attention, my husband for getting me into this in the first place?And then I started listening to myself and I thought, this just isn't going to work. And I weaned Charlie. I don't remember exactly how old he was--a few weeks, maybe?--but I remember feeling like a new person when I stopped nursing. I remember feeling relaxed and happy and rested. I remember being able to look at my son--at both of my sons--and think how much I loved them. I remember handing the baby to my husband at feeding time and curing up in bed with my toddler for a story and some snuggles.
It was the best possible choice for my family.
What I wish, though, was that other people had understood that, and had not felt the need to challenge my decision. Once, when Henry was a tiny baby, and I was still expressing milk for him, I took him to the bookstore, to meet a friend for coffee. While we were there, I gave him a bottle, full of breast milk. A woman a the next table looked down her nose at me and said, "You know, FORMULA is not healthy. BREAST MILK is the best choice." I was too horrified to even respond.
My sons are both healthy and smart; they don't seem to have been harmed by their year of formula. Looking back, I know that I made the right choice, that breastfeeding was not for me. I wasn't able to be a good mother to my sons when I was nursing. I am still a little bit envious of women like Jennifer who are able to work nursing so seamlessly into their lives, but I don't feel guilty about what I chose. Just like Jennifer--just like all of us, really--I did what was best for my family. What I do wish, though, in looking back was that I could have found more support from other moms, that more women like Jennifer could have looked me in the eye and said, "You're doing what works." That would have made the biggest difference of all.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
RelatedVideos
-
Choosing Diapers: Cloth or Disposable
It's a concern for any new parent – what kind of diapers to buy. These days there are more options than just cloth or disposable. Green Living Expert Terri Bennett shows you how to find the right fit for your baby.
-
You've Got Dr. Phil's 3 Top Parenting Tips
In this edition of You've Got, Dr. Phil offers three of his best parenting tips to maintain harmony in the household.
-
How to Speak Sign Language with Your Baby
Sign Language is a groundbreaking way to communicate with young children that is impressing parents everywhere. By introducing basic elements of sign language at an early age, you can not only accelerate the speech development skills of your infant, but keep in closer touch with their needs.
-
Toddler Talks Marketing
A toddler shares her opinion on how toys are marketing to girls and boys.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
4-30-2007 @ 5:43PM
Maureen said...I had a lot of guilt after I had difficulty breastfeeding my first. I had ppd and wasn't as prepared as I thought I was. Son was colicky and husband was working a lot. When my milk came in and I was engorged, I didn't know what to do. Son wouldn't latch on... well now I know it's because he couldn't. Oh, I felt so bad when I reached for the formula and bottle. That guilt lasted a long time. And after 6 months of formula feeding and breastfeeding a couple of times a day, I switched to formula 100%. Son was so much happier and I felt like I was a better mom. With daughter I was a lot more informed about some things and she was just a much easier baby. She latched on right away and never took a bottle. She nursed for about 19 months before she decided to wean herself. I must say, that breastfeeding daughter was SO much easier than preparing bottles and formula. But I wish I could wipe away every mom's guilt over their choices for feeding their babies. I know how bad it feels... why do we do that to ourselves? There is enough to feel guilty about in motherhood and as long as we are feeding our children and they are thriving, what's wrong with that?
Reply
4-30-2007 @ 6:14PM
Sabrina said...With #1 she was small, and had a very hard time latching on. The nurses told me that it would be fine because babies don't need to eat the first day or two, which sounded to me like complete BS. She started screaming constantly, and I finally gave up on day 3 and gave her a bottle of formula. She ate a quarter of an ounce and slept for three hours, the longest stretch she'd gotten since she was born! We kept her on formula because I was young and didn't know about pumping.
With #2 I started nursing right away, and he was a champ that first and second day, on Day 3 he had to be rushed by an ambulance to the hospital for not breathing. I was so scared to touch him, for fear of hurting him, that my husband fed him bottles. After I recovered from my shock and fright, I was able to pump for him, and eventually went back to nursing for a while. After about a month I felt "touched out" and wanted some time to myself to get dishes done and sweep the floors, and possibly...just possibly, take a shower long enough to shave and use conditioner. I started to resent all the TIME it took to nurse him, especially since hubby wasn't doing housework, and it was just piling up. He was nursing for 45 minutes out of every hour, and getting up 4 times every night. Coupled that with the stress of a dirty house, and a 18 month old "big" sister, and I was done! I pumped him out a few days worth, and then went straight to the formula. We've been a happier family, and we've got a cleaner house and a cleaner mommy....and I don't really feel bad about my decision. Although, if we were to have another, I'd certainly give nursing another shot!
Reply
4-30-2007 @ 7:44PM
jessica said...I flunked breast feeding twice - fought on for six weeks with my son, barely six days with my daughter.
Sometimes your body just doesn't know how to do it.
They are both healthy and (extrememly) smart kids.
If I have a third, I won't even try. And I agree, Susan, I wish there were more support.
Reply
4-30-2007 @ 9:20PM
Mamacita said...Breast or bottle: one more thing that is nobody else's business. I can not even imagine telling another mother how she "should" feed her baby!
I honest believe that anyone who tries to force his/her baby-feeding values onto someone else is nothing but a meddling busybody. It's for sure and certain than a real friend would not be that way.
If both you and your baby are healthy and happy, then whatever you are doing is working. Don't let anybody make you feel insecure about your success.
What a dreadful, hateful thing that would be!
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 12:00AM
Heather said...The point is your tiried to BF. It didn't work for you so you did what was best for the baby and changed to bottles. Is it better to have a miserable mom who hates every minute of BF or a happy mom who is bottlefeeding? I think the mood of the mom is more important and plays a bigger role when bf isn't working out. Not everyone can do it weather it is not enough milk or pain or whatever.
Don't feel ashamed if it doesn't work for you and your family.
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 2:04AM
Kathryn said...Actually, Miss, you say "The problem with families today is that parents (moms, especially) are so focused on being comfortable and liked and doted on that they ignore what is actually best for their kids." This really speaks to me, particularly the part about "being liked". I had breast reduction surgery 7 years before having my son. When I had the surgery, I didn't think I'd ever have kids. They told me that I had about a 50/50 chance of breast feeding. When I gave birth, I literally told EVERYONE who walked in the room that I had had breast reduction surgery but still wanted to try to breast feed. The lactation consultant at the hospital spent about 10 minutes with me-- my son latched on and she said that everything looked fine and actually dissuaded me from supplementing at all. I was a first time mom, so I followed her guidance. We were not even home 24 hours before my son crashed. He was severely dehydrated (even though he had been peeing and pooping) and severely hypoglycemic. I didn't give him formula even though he screamed all night because I was led to believe that it was the wrong thing to do. The sort of message that "all or nothing" breast feeding proponents espouse is downright dangerous. The ER doctor told me that if we had not brought him in, he likely would have died in a couple of hours. I know that my situation is not terribly common, but I still have such intense feelings of guilt for not listening to my gut because of the message that people like you had badgered me with. And every single time I had to feed my son in public, I was so embarrassed and humiliated, not because of my own beliefs or my wanting to be comfortable, but because I knew that there were likely people around me who felt I was "poisoning" my son.
I ask one simple thing-- that you refrain from judging bottle feeding moms. You have no right and no idea what their circumstances are (not that those should matter anyway).
I will be so so happy when this stops being such a heated issue and people can stop feeling so judged about something that really does not concern anyone outside of their family.
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 7:05AM
SM said...To echo another commenter, "Amen, sister!"
Breastfeeding made me a sleep deprived angry wench. A malcontent dealing with an equally unhappy baby who was hungry and inconsolable. My little one didn't ever latch on correctly. And I never produced much milk. After weeks of unsuccessful attempts I gave her a bottle of breat milk! Praise God! She drank. She burped contentedly. And she slept soundly.
And, for the first time, I enjoyed the feeding process. Instead of being fraught with stress, it was soothing and comforting. No fighting a squirming infant refusing to latch on. No tears of frustration from me. Just the two of us, quietly snuggling, staring at one another.
We both got comfortable with the bottle and I slowly began introducing formula. I knew when I returned to my stressful job that they'd be less than accommodating about pumping. I decided not to pursue the ordeal. Little one and I found something that worked exceptionally well for us. It made for a calmer, happier family.
For a lot of moms, for many different reasons, bottle feeding is the better choice. Be judgemental if you want. But also follow some time-tested advice: If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Breastfeeding moms don't want stares and comments. Neither do bottle-feeding moms. Give both of us the benefit of the doubt. Assume we're doing what's best for our family.
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 1:47PM
rebecca Biernesser said...just a bit of advice to ya'll about Miss, I think she goes by another name on her too and If I'm not mistaken doesn't even have kids...
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 5:58PM
~Monica said...Miss' comments on this subject seem to be uneducated, unsocialized, inhumane brain farts that it's gotten to be so laughable for me. She really is trying so hard to hurt other people that I can't help but feel sorry for her. There's some obvious mental issues going on here.
I've enjoyed reading the normal human comments in this thread. It's wonderful to know that there are so many women not living in a sheltered dream world. It's inspiring.
Reply
5-01-2007 @ 9:01PM
LMD said...I had a similar comment from a lactation consultant when what happened with your #2 was happening with my #1. She actually told me "It depends on where your priorities are." What the heck? I hadn't gotten any sleep in over a month because I had a baby who wasn't getting enough to eat constantly crying. I did everything short of taking a prescriptions to up my milk production. Where are my priorities? I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't pee all because my baby is crying from hunger. And even moreso, my baby lost more than half of his birthweight and wasn't gaining it back. What did the LC tell me? Try harder! My son was dying and I wasn't trying hard enough? Bull!
My son is 7 months old. He still cuddles with me. He gives me b-i-g hugs all the time. He looks me in the eye with the widest smile on his face. I can see the love and bond there that I was supposedly not supposed to have because I didn't BF.
But, of course I guess it would've been better for me to go to jail and have had to bury a son (11 months after burying a husband, no less) just to have the benefits of BF'ing.
Reply
5-13-2007 @ 3:39PM
cmom2three said...I applaud you for making the best decision for your family. Some people act as if we should breastfeed at all costs to ourselves and our other family members. I breastfeed my 2nd child through many many problems (and resented it) and when my 3rd child came along I made the decision to bottlefeed (mostly due to my own health issues) and do not have any guilt. All of my family is well cared for.
Reply
5-14-2007 @ 2:22PM
AHB said...I think following quote is one major reason for why many mothers give up breastfeeding: "The lactation consultant suggested that I pump between feedings, and once again I was astonished. How, I asked her, did she suggest I do that, when the baby was only resting for maybe an hour between daytime feedings?". I have twins and, especially during growth spurts, it can be quite demanding and time consuming. So I have found one solution that really seems to speed up milk supply quickly and efficiently: DURING BREASTFEEDING,SIMULTANEOUSLY PUMP THE OTHER BREAST USING ONE SIDE OF A STRONG ELECTRIC DOUBLE PUMP. This not only provides you with extra expressed milk, but it really helps increasing milk prouction and lets the baby enjoy the rich hind milk after switching to the recently-pumped side during feedings. I was able to go from supplementing with formula to storing six 5 oz storage bags in the freezer in less than a week. Please at least give this a try
Reply
5-14-2007 @ 2:39PM
AHB said...I forgot to mention:When you nurse and pump at the same time - besides
saving a whole lot of time and energy - you will most likely pump a
greater volume of milk than you would if you pump separately from
nursing. It seems that the baby more efficiently triggers the
let-down reflex in both breasts.
Reply