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When it's better not to tell junior just how smart he is
Categories: Love & Sex, Development, Education
There is a fascinating article in this month's New York Magazine about whether or not praising intelligence is really to a truly smart child's benefit. The article describes the case of "Thomas" a bright little boy among the top one percent of the top one percent of a school that only accepts the top one percent of applicants (whew!). His parents, however, warn that his intelligence hasn't necessarily translated into confidence in the performance of his studies. "Thomas didn't want to try things he wouldn't be successful at," his father says. "Some things came very quickly to him, but when they didn't, he gave up almost immediately, concluding, 'I'm not good at this.'" Thomas abandoned subjects like spelling and cursive and fractions because they did not immediately come easy to him.
Researchers are beginning to note a real distinction between intelligence in children and the importance of effort, and parental praise may have a large role in discouraging effort. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it's important to tell their kids that they're smart. Parental praise is viewed as universally a good thing, as it supposedly bolsters self-confidence. But a growing body of research suggests that unending parental praise of a child's intelligence may actually encourage underperformance. Researchers call it the "inverse power of praise."
I know I am guilty of it. My wife and I are both constantly telling our daughter how smart she is, if only to combat the power of all those strangers also telling her how "pretty" she is. I want her to be confident not just in her looks, but in her mind. But the research described in the New York article is pretty convincing. I wonder if the same is true for telling a kid how good looking he is? Clearly the conclusion to draw from this is not that parents should tell their kids that they are stupid, but parents should probably structure praise in way that both challenges the child to do more than s/he already does, without eroding the confidence that would allow her/him to do it.
Researchers are beginning to note a real distinction between intelligence in children and the importance of effort, and parental praise may have a large role in discouraging effort. According to a survey conducted by Columbia University, 85 percent of American parents think it's important to tell their kids that they're smart. Parental praise is viewed as universally a good thing, as it supposedly bolsters self-confidence. But a growing body of research suggests that unending parental praise of a child's intelligence may actually encourage underperformance. Researchers call it the "inverse power of praise."
I know I am guilty of it. My wife and I are both constantly telling our daughter how smart she is, if only to combat the power of all those strangers also telling her how "pretty" she is. I want her to be confident not just in her looks, but in her mind. But the research described in the New York article is pretty convincing. I wonder if the same is true for telling a kid how good looking he is? Clearly the conclusion to draw from this is not that parents should tell their kids that they are stupid, but parents should probably structure praise in way that both challenges the child to do more than s/he already does, without eroding the confidence that would allow her/him to do it.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
margalit 5-01-2007 @ 1:26AM
This is a huge bone of contention within the parents of profoundly gifted kids community. Yes, there is a big an active community of such parents. I happen to disagree with most of them and agree with the NY Times article in that I think it's dangerous to tell your child over and over again how smart he is. As the parent of a PG kid, I've never told my kid his IQ, but he's pretty much figured out the range it's in due to a school principal being a bit dense about confidentiality. But I digress...
I think that many parents of PG kids understand that the social ramifications of having a kid that is 3-5 standard deviations above the norm means that their kids CANNOT and often Do NOT relate to other age peers. They know they're smart, they know they think differently, they know that other kids don't understand them. After all, they're smart, right? So often (and this is where I disagree) they put their kids into special camps and after school programs and all sorts of other programs JUST for other PG kids, thereby not only separating them from other kids, but emphasizing that their intelligence is their foremost quality.
This tends to make PG kids think that they're supposed to excel at everything, and when they can't master something, they freak out. This is a group of kids with huge depression/anxiety/suicide rates because they are not capable of being perfect and they don't really get how to fail gracefully. My son has had this issue in the past, but we've worked hard to get over it.
I believe that parents of very gifted kids (and I'm not talking about your average 130 IQ here, I'm talking 160+) do them a disservice by constantly emphasizing their giftedness by keeping them in special programs and away from regular old kids. But most parents of PG kids totally disagree with me and say that their kids are unable to deal with age peers that aren't gifted. I used to believe that, but when your kids hit their teen years, I just don't anymore.
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Tamyu 5-01-2007 @ 10:08AM
Coming from the other side of it...
It is a drastic let down to leave the "gifted kid" years and move on to adulthood. Parents can run about bragging about how their 7 year old whizzed through the adult Mensa test. They can praise their child daily based on their IQ...
But once you leave childhood - it means nothing. There are no parents there to brag... And really, you wouldn`t want them there anyway.
Intelligence alone means very very little in the real world. It may give you an advantage, but that`s all. Spending time in gifted programs, in advanced classes, etc, where they`re treated as special really sets you up for defeat. Your boss isn`t going to care if you scored in the top 1%. If they do, it`s only to expect perfection from you. You end up feeling you have to avoid situations in which you know you can`t reach perfection.
If you`re surrounded by "gifted" children your entire childhood, sure, you may have more in common with your peers. You may have more friends.
Unfortunately though, there are no special groups in adult life. There are no "gifted" camps. Without experience in at least trying to relate to regular children, you`re lost when you try to relate to regular adults.
Having been a "gifted" child, I really do sort of hope my son is just average. It will be better for him in the long run.
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jdg 5-01-2007 @ 11:55AM
very interesting perspectives guys. thank you.
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SKL 5-03-2007 @ 12:19AM
I think teaching humility is much more important than teaching a child that he's better than others in some way. I always say that each individual is given a different package of qualities that add up to the same value. It's what you do with these qualities that matters. Humility enables us to better relate to people who don't happen to have the same gifts as we have, to help them discover their own gifts, and to work better together.
A bright child generally doesn't need to be praised for his IQ in order to develop confidence. His honest accomplishments are more effective toward that end.
On the other hand, in some cases a gifted child also has some quirks or even disabilities that make him question whether he's "OK." In that case, the way to build his confidence is to have him work on projects and experience accomplishments that his giftedness makes possible. Simply telling him he's smart isn't worth much.
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