When school rules conflict with your rules

by Susan Wagner (Subscribe to Susan Wagner's posts) Apr 30th 2007 5:30PM

On Wednesdays, Henry has library at school, which includes computer time. When the school year started, I was delighted that he was getting time to work on the computer; because of his fine motor skills delays, doctors have told us, he will always struggle with handwriting and will need to learn to type at an early age so that he can take notes in class. At the beginning of the year, he was playing phonics games on the computer, designed to teach him to read AND type. We saw dramatic improvement in his keyboarding skills and his reading skills and just generally in his confidence level. It seemed like a good thing.

But last week, he came home and told me for about the third Wednesday in a row that he had spent his library period playing Star Wars games at the Lego website. And frankly, it made me mad.

There are a lot of really great websites for kids Henry's age (he is six and in kindergarten). I'm not even entirely opposed to the Lego site; yesterday, we sat and played a Harry Potter game that required the player to guide the characters through a maze using different keys. But I don't want my six year old playing games where he shoots and kills people, for one thing, and I certainly don't want him playing games based on movies he's too young to see.

And I don't want him doing either during the school day.

I am the most frustrated just now because this is the first time I have felt like a school is directly undermining my parenting choices. We've been battling with Henry for a year or so now about what he watches on television ("But Mom, I am the ONLY ONE who doesn't watch Power Rangers!" he will wail). I was ready for that one, and had prepared my speech about how yes, some of his friends get to do things that he does not, but he gets to do things that his friends don't and that's just the way it is. But now I'm stumped because after telling him how important it was that he follow the rules at school and listen to his teachers, even if they were saying something different from what we said at home, I am vehemently disagreeing with what this teacher is allowing.

I'm planning to talk to Henry's classroom teacher this week, and see if she can get a read on what's going on in the library class. And then I will decide what my next step is.

Have you ever had a situation like this, where your child was being permitted to do something at school that you did not allow at home? What did you do?

Comments (13)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Uly 4-30-2007 @ 11:21PM

Stricter rules trump more lenient ones. If the school didn't allow him to do something you did, those rules would (in school) be the ones to follow.

In this case, your rules are the stricter ones. Call the school, explain what your son said, explain that you don't know what, exactly, happened, but that you would appreciate if it didn't happen again. Either he can't play games during library period, or he can only play approved games or something.

LB 4-30-2007 @ 11:29PM

I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time following the timeline-this was the 3rd time he went to Lego.com, but is this the 1st time mentioned it, right?

Why not first ask that the library staff support you in encouraging Henry to use his school hours in a way that meets your family's value system by sending his computer time at agreed upon sites or tasks? If they refuse to accomodate you or act like it's a big hassle, then I think you would have a legitimate beef, but to view this as a rules issue right off the bat is over reacting. The library class may not even have hard rules, but rather guidelines.

Why not also ask what the goals of the library class are? From an info techonolgy aspect, there are some reasons for the kids to get comfortable using the internet for searches and surfing,reasons that go beyond using the keyboard for writing and storing personal info.

I tend to agree StarWars is bit much for 6 yr olds, but its hardly MySpace. Belive it or not there are children who don't have any access to the internet at home and the library class teacher may have a wide curve for what's acceptable in the interest of allowing the kids to feel they had a positive experience. I can see who Lego.com would not be considered a site that needs to be filtered.

It just seems like you need a lot more info. "Undermining" is a very strong word. I look forward to your update on the situation. Good luck.

rebecca Biernesser 4-30-2007 @ 9:43PM

I can understand not wanting your child to play that type of games at school, esp. online games. There are better ways to teach computer skills. Even better games used to teach. And I would say something to the teacher.

I just have one question? What is wrong with Power Rangers? There are a lot of moms around where I live that forbid it, but I don't understand why. I allow my five year old to watch it and I have watched it myself. Yes, there is a lot of fighting, but to me it's very similar to Superman and Spiderman. I was just wondering why you wouldn't allow it. When I questions the mom's here, they don't have an answer, other than they use guns....

Thom 4-30-2007 @ 10:08PM

I don't understand how a Star Wars Lego game would be any worse than a Harry Potter Lego game. Do you think Harry Potter is appropiate for a 6 year old?

I would think Power Rangers would be much more appropiate than the "dark science"

Susan Wagner 4-30-2007 @ 10:37PM

My specific objection to Power Rangers is the fighting. We try to steer the kids away from anything--TV shows or video games or movies--that feature a lot of physical combat because the boys imitate it without understanding that they will hurt someone. Power Rangers is actually just one of many things my kids aren't allowed to watch; it is also the show that Henry's friends are the most into right now.

margalit 5-01-2007 @ 1:27AM

Sorry, but I don't see a problem. You don't have the right to dictate to a school what their curriculum should be. You just don't. If one child isn't allowed to use computers at all, should all the other children be banned for that ruling? No, they shouldn't. Your rules are in YOUR home, but once your children go into the world, you can't control what they do and don't do. Nor should you.

As a parent, I believe your job is to instill solid rules IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. But beyond that is just out of your control. If you don't let Henry play dodgeball, should the entire school be stopped from the game due to your house rules. Frankly, if Henry was in my kid's class and you tried to instill your rules on my child, I'd be furious. FURIOUS. You can exempt your child from things you don't like, but you can't control the rest of the children.

Susan Wagner 5-01-2007 @ 8:33AM

Thanks for all the feedback--you all are really making me think.

I'll let you know what happens.

nicolebarber 5-01-2007 @ 10:32AM

I feel you should talk to the Teacher in the classroom as well as the librarian to find out what the guidelines are and inform them of yours, you as a parent have the right to make sure your child is getting the right kind of eduacation and whats appropriate for your child.I am sure the school will Listen and you guys can come to an understanding. As far as certain tv shows I agree children tend to try and re-act the things, but as parent you teach them whats is exceptable play and what isn't. Due to the power rangers influencing my son he wants to grow-up and be a good cop or a firemen and help people.

travelmama 5-01-2007 @ 10:19AM

I completely disagree with the poster who said that you cannot dictate what goes on in your child's school. Well, no, you can't "dictate". But you can certainly voice concern about things that you feel are inappropriate. You are not "controlling" the curriculum - I didn't read that you don't want him on the computer at ALL, so it's not a matter of ban all the kids or have your kid be the odd man out. You just want to be more careful about what he is exposed to. I have had similar problems, more related to what my daughter is allowed to eat. She doesn't eat a lot of junk at home and yet at school it seems to be the primary snack offering. I have talked to the teacher about it, not in an accusing way, but just to say hey, I know this is easy but can we investigate - for ALL of the kids - more healthy options sometimes? And I - and other parents - have sent in fruit and veggie platters, etc. If we all just sat there like morons, how would the school know that we'd like a change? Note that we as parents didn't just complain but came up with suggestions and contributed to the solution - we know the teachers are working hard as it is. The next thing I would like to tackle is the harsh chemicals they use in the school cleaning. Again, no accusations, just voicing concern and offering some changes, as well as proof of why I think the concerns are valid for ALL of the children and staff. I say approach the teacher calmly, discuss your concerns. But also be sure to check out the game - maybe it's not so bad. And be sure you're also not, as someone suggested, having a double-standard: I don't know the Harry Potter game but as someone pointed out, maybe in a different way it's not appropriate either? That's your call, just be consistent.

Anji 5-02-2007 @ 3:16AM

Margalit, I don't think Susan is saying *none* of thge children should be allowed to play the Star Wars game. I think what she is saying is that she is annoyed that parents weren't consulted as to whether they thought it was appropriate. If they were, then the kids whose parents agreed could do it, and those who didn't, wouldn't - and everyone would be happy.

Uly 5-02-2007 @ 8:15PM

Margalit, I read nothing that implied she wanted to prevent all the children from visiting Lego.com - just her child.

And that's fair, and reasonable. Schools give students alternate assignments all the time for any number of reasons.

Pam 5-02-2007 @ 3:26PM

It seems as if most of those posting comments totally MISSED what Susan's main concern was: her son is not using his school computer time to improve his skills or learn anything. This is not a trivial issue. I too had a son with learning disabilities who desperately needed to learn good computer skills so he could succeed. I know from personal experience that kids who only (or mainly) use computers to play shoot-em-up games have nowhere near the abilities to use computers that those who do other activities can obtain. Games which require typing, thinking, planning, and oh-my-god READING! have a much higher level of advancement. Kids who learn how to manipulate the mouse and TYPE and how to copy and paste, how find the calculator, how to find information they need in a safe manner, THESE are the important kinds of things school time on computers should be doing.
In my work, I have come across many many kids, especially boys, who have used computers for years but have next to no skills for how to get along in the world of technology we all live in. They can play something like Halo or Doom, but cannot find the tab key or don't have any idea what a search engine is.
So ... Susan, you are right to be concerned that the valuable time is being wasted. Schools are hard pressed to stuff everything into our kids that is required, and I guess we should sympathize with the teachers when they can do other things while their kids are happily playing computer games. But your son will NEED to type well, know how to proof read, and print...etc. He’s just a little kid now? Sure but if he can’t communicate by handwriting he’s already at a great disadvantage. My son took extra computer classes all through school because it took him longer than one semester to learn to type. I monitored what games he played – for the violence factor as well, believe me I agree with that concern!!! - and found fun games that taught something. Kids on computers need DIRECTION, they need good CHOICES of educational games like telling-time ones or math skills, as well as internet guidance.
PS My son graduated from college last year – no one could read a word he writes, but thanks to typing and voice recognition technology he has a great job. Be your child’s advocate!
PPS I am not slamming teachers, my children had some wonderful hard-working dedicated ones. Like the one who said, you know what, he doesn't really need shop class, let him take extra computer classes.

SKL 5-03-2007 @ 12:05AM

I wouldn't get angry, but I would send a message to the teacher commenting politely on my preference and suggesting some alternatives that are satisfactory to the parent and not difficult for the teacher to implement, either with that individual child or all children.

I am surprised that some of the same people who are up in arms about letting kids be exposed to "violence" think other parents, who don't want their kids exposed to other things that conflict with their values, are crazy.

Violence exists in the world, and though fiction often exaggerates this reality, the fact of violent fiction existing in the world can't be hidden from kids forever. Guns exist and they are not inherently evil, just something some folks include in their lifestyle while others don't. Even shooting people is, in most people's opinion, right under certain circumstances. That said, either we believe in full disclosure or we don't.

That's why some people home school, some demand to be informed and allowed to opt out if the school will present controversial material, and others simply talk to their kids about their family values before the schools get a chance to screw up their minds. But some of the commenters here have an inconsistent approach - if it's about values topic A, B, or C, kids should be exposed to it regardless of parents' wishes, but not if it's about values topic D, E, or F.

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