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Is it ever OK to be drunk in front of your kids?
Filed under: Celeb Kids, Celeb Parents
By now most of the Internet has seen the horrifying, sideshow-ish video of David Hasselhoff, shirtless and shuffling his mouth haphazardly toward a Wendy's burger. His daughter is taping him, berating him for his drunkenness and pleading with him to stop with the alcohol, already.
I hesitated when I first saw the video, because my feelings toward alcoholism are both raw and undeniably biased.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. Though my Dad has been sober for more than 20 years, I still remember the vague feeling of panic, of understanding something was not quite right in our family, something that I couldn't control. I remember feeling that my solid, strong father was sometimes a different person, someone I didn't understand and didn't want to know. I am proud of him for making the decision to put his family before the drink. I think I am a better, healthier person for it and I have the utmost respect for him.
Because of my background, though, I have always had mixed feelings about alcohol. I worked in bars for most of my early twenties, freewheeling with multiple late night ciders after long shifts, getting drunk with my friends for fun, sometimes ending up in precarious situations I'd never have entered into sober. Alcohol was as intrinsic to my fun as shopping with my girlfriends and dinners in overpriced restaurants.
Since the day I became pregnant, though, something changed. I suddenly vividly remembered my childhood and my fears and my need for strength in my parents and my perspective of alcohol as an accessory to fun disappeared. Fun was Nolan's gummy smile. So much more beauty could be seen in his dimpled arms than in the straight line of too much red wine in several long-stemmed glasses. My old self would have thought my new perspective lame, my new self was grateful for the sudden clear-eyed view.
I still have the occasional glass of wine, sometimes two, but never four or five. First, I couldn't handle Mothering an almost-two year old with a hangover. Second, I feel I have a responsibility to be clear minded and present for my son. I am not knocking social drinking, I think there's a place for it and that parents have a right to a couple drinks with friends, wine with dinner, whatever. But when it gets to the point where you can't aim a hamburger accurately toward your mouth, there's an issue.
I was surprised to see many commenters on the David Hasselhoff video saying that his daughter was whiny and irritating, to let the man be drunken and debaucherous, already. I disagree. I don't believe that that degree of drunkenness has a place in front of a child. Admittedly, I am very biased.
What do you think?
I hesitated when I first saw the video, because my feelings toward alcoholism are both raw and undeniably biased.
I grew up in an alcoholic household. Though my Dad has been sober for more than 20 years, I still remember the vague feeling of panic, of understanding something was not quite right in our family, something that I couldn't control. I remember feeling that my solid, strong father was sometimes a different person, someone I didn't understand and didn't want to know. I am proud of him for making the decision to put his family before the drink. I think I am a better, healthier person for it and I have the utmost respect for him.
Because of my background, though, I have always had mixed feelings about alcohol. I worked in bars for most of my early twenties, freewheeling with multiple late night ciders after long shifts, getting drunk with my friends for fun, sometimes ending up in precarious situations I'd never have entered into sober. Alcohol was as intrinsic to my fun as shopping with my girlfriends and dinners in overpriced restaurants.
Since the day I became pregnant, though, something changed. I suddenly vividly remembered my childhood and my fears and my need for strength in my parents and my perspective of alcohol as an accessory to fun disappeared. Fun was Nolan's gummy smile. So much more beauty could be seen in his dimpled arms than in the straight line of too much red wine in several long-stemmed glasses. My old self would have thought my new perspective lame, my new self was grateful for the sudden clear-eyed view.
I still have the occasional glass of wine, sometimes two, but never four or five. First, I couldn't handle Mothering an almost-two year old with a hangover. Second, I feel I have a responsibility to be clear minded and present for my son. I am not knocking social drinking, I think there's a place for it and that parents have a right to a couple drinks with friends, wine with dinner, whatever. But when it gets to the point where you can't aim a hamburger accurately toward your mouth, there's an issue.
I was surprised to see many commenters on the David Hasselhoff video saying that his daughter was whiny and irritating, to let the man be drunken and debaucherous, already. I disagree. I don't believe that that degree of drunkenness has a place in front of a child. Admittedly, I am very biased.
What do you think?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
5-05-2007 @ 2:40PM
sheri said...Shortly before I became a mother, I stopped drinking altogether. I realized I was an alky and stopped. Drinking and parenthood was never going to be a good combo for me. I guess it's up to the individual to decide what's enough, but I can say growing up around heavy drinking (although well functioning) adults did affect me as well. Things never felt quite right or safe to me. This memory somehow also probably helped me in my decision to quit--that and realizing I couldn't seem to control acting like a complete idiot.
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5-05-2007 @ 12:41PM
Ann Adams said...Kristin, I'm biased as well which is why I rarely comment on this topic.
Short version - it's not okay. Kids become alarmed and insecure when their parent suddenly changes from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.
You wouldn't have liked me much 27+ years ago.
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5-05-2007 @ 9:26PM
megan said...I totally agree. I came from an alky home were drinking was a regular thing. My sister and I look back and wonder how they managed to drive with us and our family vacations were horrible. We were actually taken to bars when they went out with friends. At the time we thought it was strange that we were the onl kids but it was all we knew so we did not realize it was wrong. When my mother died it was even worse for my father; he would pass out drunk and be totally incoherent. My father has remarried and still is having problems with alcohol.
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5-05-2007 @ 3:35PM
megan said...I totally agree. I came from an alky home were drinking was a regular thing. My sister and I look back and wonder how they managed to drive with us and our family vacations were horrible. We were actually taken to bars when they went out with friends. At the time we thought it was strange that we were the only kids but it was all we knew so we did not realize it was wrong. When my mother died it was even worse for my father; he would pass out drunk and be totally incoherent. My father has remarried and still is having problems with alcohol.
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5-05-2007 @ 4:36PM
jen said...I did not grow up in a home where alcohol was abused, or much indulged in. I have never seen either of my parents drunk, nor have my children ever seen me drunk.
Call me old-fashioned, or call me a prude, but I don't think you should ever be drunk around your children. Fortunately, I have a pretty take-it-or-leave-it relationship with alcohol, so it's never been a problem or an issue.
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5-05-2007 @ 5:08PM
Sabrina said...My mother grew up with an abusive and alcoholic father, and therefore she chose not to drink at all. Not a drop, at any time. When I was a teen she remarried a wine-drinker, and that was my frist experience seeing anyone drink. It scared me because she'd always talked to me about the dangers of drinking, but my step-dad never got drunk or mean, and I eventually learned to be ok with it. I drank, probably too much, in college, but when I had my first child I stopped altogether, for lack of a better role model. Now, after my second, I still won't drink in front of them, or when they're sick, or when I'm the only parent in the house, but sometimes on Saturday night, I enjoy a drink with my hubby, but only one. I think I'm a product of my mother's fear growing up. I'm glad she stopped the alcoholic "cycle" some parts of our family seem to be stuck in though.
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5-05-2007 @ 6:17PM
Maureen said...I don't think it is ever OK to be drunk in front of your kid(s). I occasionally have a glass or wine or beer when friends come for dinner or after the kids are in bed. Alcoholism has affected many of my family members (grandmother, uncle, two brothers). Because my mom's mom was an alcoholic for the first 7 years of my mom's life my mom rarely touched the stuff. It just wasn't in the house so I never saw my parents tipsy. I must say that I'm sure it would have been unsettling to see.
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5-05-2007 @ 6:37PM
Ethel said...I don't think you're biased, I think you're being reasonable. There is nothing good about children seeing their parents out of control. I never liked hearing my niece talk about her mom being "sick in bed again". Or her mom having to explain why her cash was not only blown in one night and there is no money for heat, but where she got the broken nose and a shiner.
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5-06-2007 @ 12:01AM
Annie said...Ok, I too grew up in and continue to deal with two alcoholic parents. While I have made a decision to not let my kids grow in in an unstable home environment, I would never not have a drink or two in front of them. Alcohol is a part of the world and to not ever expose your kids to it as a social aspect of your lives, doesn't sit well with me. Drinking is all about moderation and this is the lesson of alcohol that I want to teach my kids.
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5-06-2007 @ 3:06AM
SKL said...I agree that parents need to be sober around their minor children. If they can't drink in moderation, they shouldn't drink around their kids.
Let the kids meet their real parents on their 18th birthday!
My parents shocked me by partying like college kids during my youngest sister's 18th birthday party. Dancing like anything. I thought they were both going to have heart attacks in their beds. My neighbor similarly came out after her youngest was grown up. This once-dowdy mom is now amazing on the dance floor, after a few drinks.
Nothing wrong with alcohol, nothing wrong with having a good time. But when your kids need you to care for them, you need to be on top of your game.
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5-06-2007 @ 3:12PM
LS said...A different perspective: I am married to a "functional alcoholic", which means that he drinks, but he can still do everyday things, like get himself to work, etc.
The problem comes at night, when he relaxes, the stressors of the day come back, and he turns to the bottle to chase them away. Fortunately, our son is always in bed when that happens. But lately, he's (husband) been out of work, and home all the time. The drinking has steadily increased, although it's been lesser booze (wine instead of the hard stuff), my son always sees his dad with a drink in his hand.
The kicker? My husband also smokes, and makes it a point to stay out of eyesight of our son, so he doesn't model a poor behavior.
The rationale behind this opposing behavior is this: "My parents drank when I was a kid, and it didn't teach me any bad habits". Riiiiiight.
So, my view is this... it's ok to have a glass or two with dinner, or a beer with the game. But when it's ALL you drink, when that's how you "unwind" - when it's the only WAY you can unwind - there's a problem. Get help. And don't do it to your kids, because you're just fooling yourself if you think they don't know.
Now I'm faced with balancing that out, and figuring out how to keep my son from going down the same road.
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5-07-2007 @ 12:20PM
Amanda said...Oh my gosh, LS you just wrote about my husband to a T! His father is an abusive alcoholic and my husband is, like you said, a functional alcoholic. We used to fight like cats and dogs about his drinking because when we met, I was a bartender and I drank, A LOT, but when I got pregnant I quit and I can probably count on one hand the number of drinks I have in a year! He thinks I'm no fun. and I think he's immature. I just wish he could unwind with a dr pepper or a coke! he starts drinking at about 10am on weekends and he drinks on his way home from work and all afternoon. He doesn't get drunk but when he does he's a sappy drunk, he usually cries or talks alot:/ We no longer speak to his parents and he seems okay with that and I think I'm slowly getting through to him that he is sending a bad message to his daughters.
I don't know what to do. I love him so much and I keep telling myself, it could be worse, he could be like his dad!
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