Parent vs. Parent: Being a stay-home parent sucks

Actually, for me it is magical to be able to stay home. My son does not shoot rainbows out of his ass and is extremely dificult (he has a sensory disorder), but I absolutely would not trade this for working outside the home. I LOVE being home. I have encountered being treated differently when telling people what I do by one person.

I am not saying it's fun all the time. There was the year between 1 and 2 before my son was diagnosed that I literally thought I was going insane. Serioulsy. I am not kidding. I thought I was crazy. Even then though, I never wanted to go back to work. I'm not sure if it's just temperment or what, but I do love staying home with him.

Now, I have another one on the way in September. Ask me again then and I may have a different answer. :)

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Thanks for putting this into words. While I am thrilled that I can be at home, after the first 2 years of staring at my daughter thinking she was God's gift to the planet, I thought that I wanted to be more than just a mom again. In the most convenient way possible - I wanted to work from home. But that isn't very lucrative (at least for me it's not) since my love is writing, and because my previous job involved clients, lots of travel and fab restaurant dinners & drinks along with a much nicer paycheck - or wait, just a paycheck PERIOD - I have to admit I miss it: the interaction with people, the dressing in nice clothes, the food, the hotels and yes, the paycheck. I wouldn't go back to it - with another child coming in a month or so, I'll be back at square one with taking care of another one. And I'm not so keen on having them in daycare all day just to pick them up and kiss them goodnight. I want to be with them. I just want some career that doesn't exist for me yet, where I can be entrepreneurial and be boss of my own time. And make some money. And see my kids. And see other people. In other words, the best of both worlds.

It's not impossible, just rare. You usually need to HAVE some money to start that kind of career, right?

sigh
http://www.childofleisure.com

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Thank you! Sometimes I think I am the only one that thinks that staying home can be rough. I am tired of people acting as if staying home is just eating chocolate and watching soaps while the baby sleeps all day. Others will act as if I am lazy because I stay home. I was in the Army, and deployed to Iraq and I can say that being at home with an 8 month old is much more difficult.

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I have been so bummed out since my newest addition has been born. I wonder if I am going crazy as well! Between the 3 month olds constand demands to nurse, and the 22 month old's accident prone-ness, and constant desire to try to escape, and the kindergartener always bored, and the grade one student constant battles with migranes and colds, I wonder if theres light at the end of the tunnel.

Its nice to be here to be the one raising them, but sometimes I am so jelous that my husband gets to be with adults all day.And come home to a cooked dinner, while I do the home work, get the kids settled for bed, and nurse and nurse!

The worst thing is that i have acknowledged the fact that I am not sumerwoman and do need help and support, or I will lose it. coming out and saying that was the hardest thing i ever had to do, but no one will take me seriously. My husband basically jokes around saying they wouldnt be alive if he had to do it, and told by others "of course! you have 4 kids" and my mom likes to remind me her mother had 19 kids.

I think it kind of stinks that people cant offer me any help or support. I made my bed,, and I am to lie in it. I get that, but at what cost? my sanity? the kids deserve a happy, or at least sane mother, not one so stressed out they cry before getting out of bed in the morning, knowing its another day all over again, or one who never wants to go to bed at night, knowing its like blinking and its another hard day.

And the fact that I am a young mother, with 4 kids don't help, because I constantly get the impression people out there are waiting for me to fail.

When did parenting become so competive? In my mothers day all the moms on the block helped each other out, and all kept eyes on the kids in the area. Nowadays you can hardly get your neighbour to say hello!

There, I am done venting. sorry it was so long. I just couldnt stop typing.

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My husband and I have many a time bantered back and forth about my desire to stay home, he always tells me I can, I always cry because I want to but I'm so scared of giving up autonomy! I don't want to be isolated. and I totally will be. we kind of live in the 'country' and my neighbors are weirdos that I do not care to socialize with and I don't really have any other friends, but at least mon-fri I have 8-5 friends ya know?! and I get a teeny tiny pay check that covers day care and a nice lunch out for mommy to keep her feeling connected!

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One of the things I hate the most about being a stay at home mom is that I get looked at as if I'm crazy for joining a complaint fest with the working moms. After all, being a stay at home mom is an 18 year long vacation, right?

Being a stay at home mom has been a very lonely ride for me. I'm a good bit younger than most of the other SAHM in my area (a few even have kids my age) and the things a mid 20ish mom goes through are a bit different than things a mid 40ish mom is worrying about.

It is impossible for me to go out somewhere besides the grocery store in the evenings. My husband is usually home at 7:15 and our son goes to bed at 8. By the time I could get away, it's after 8:30, and most of my working parent friends are working on getting some family time in.

I usually wind up just taking my son with me for weekend events, but I can't have conversations longer than "Hi I.. " without having my son run off. And if he's going to stay still, it's always when I turn invisible after admitting I'm a SAHM.

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I have mixed feelings on this topic, thanks for addressing it. My now 15 month old is who I am with all day every day. I agree with EVERYTHING about missing the social aspect of my job, my adult conversations and of course the paycheck. And I'll be honest, the first 8 months were so hard, I wasn't sure I wanted this anymore. Then I relaxed a little and my baby started to walk, for us that made all the difference.
Anyway, on the other hand, I remember counting down months, then weeks, then days before I would FINALLY get to quit my stupid job (I loved my job) and stay home with my baby!!!! And now that I long for a job every so often (ok, like at least twice a week) I KNOW I would end up wishing I was home. Like the PP I need some magical job where I can have it all, does that exist??
I finally feel I have the hang of this stay at home thing, a year + into it but the prospect of having another makes me shaky knowing I'll be at ground zero again with the 24-7 demands.
My younger sister was trying to tell me know I have it so easy staying at home, she's a nurse and not married. She's obviously romantizising my SAHM job. Anyway, she actually said "But it's not like you HAVE to get up and go to work EVERY SINGLE DAY!" I almost choked, that's EXACTLY what I do, and worse, I can't call in SICK!!!! AND it's not a 12 hour shift like her, it's a 24 hour shift. Ok, not that drastic, she sleeps all night. But seriously, I'm ALWAYS on call!
:)

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Where do I start?

You hit the nail right on the head, and made me laugh. I'm fortunate to have the choice to stay home, but GAAAD.....it's a royal pain in the ass sometimes.

Unless your intellectual stimulation comes from studying cognitive development, it really is alot more drudgery and isolation than people expect.

More than anything else, parenting makes me feel like a dumbass, because the reality ALWAYS turns out different than what I expected. Even from pregnancy, I was always surprised by how things actually happened. "Duh.....what do you mean my birth plan will go out the window once I enter the hospital?" "Duuh....gee whiz....I didn't know that having 2 kids would be 4 times the work".

And while most days can be emotional draining (who knew that kids turned into annoying "teenage-esque" rebels at 5 years of age----Duhhh, taken by surprise again), these are the good points:
1. Don't have to worry about my kids in daycare.
2. Don't have to work hard for my company's bottom line. At least at home with my kids, my efforts go towards something I give a damn about.
3. Free up brain clutter since I don't waste time thinking about work issues....I actually have COMPLETE thoughts now (only after the kids are in bed of course).

So even when I've had a week where I want to give my children a "Wal-Mart" beating, it still beats working for a living.

But it does help that:
--a husband who stayed home with our first child for 4 years, so we totally understand and support each other's experiences
--having my kids far enough apart that I'm able to enjoy the babyhood/school age development of each.
--local moms groups
--THE INTERNET!!!!! How did people do anything before the internet.

If I didn't have these conditions, I might just have run back to work.

Queenoqueens

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I've been home with my daughter for almost two years, and I'm definitely feeling the pull of the workplace. I entered into motherhood with the same attitude of Susan.. why have kids if you're going to let someone else raise them? Like many of my pre-motherhood notions, this has gone pretty much right out the window.

Like others here, I feel bored, isolated, intellectually deprived and burned out. I'd like to take a baby-free weekend away, but my husband says that will make me feel worse. Right. I'd like to go to work part-time, but my husband says that won't fit into his schedule.

Hmm.. maybe my problem is less with being a SAHM and more with lack of support. I agree with Brandi that everyone is losing out these days because we have totally abandoned the 'it takes a village' ideal of raising children. Living in isolated boxes is not how humans lived for thousands of years, so it's no wonder that we find it hard!

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What a great post, Susan - thank you for being so honest, I know it must be difficult. I have worked full-time since having my daughter and it's been a struggle as well. This is why I hate the mommy wars - being a mom is tough, wonderful, but tough, whether you work, stay at home, or do a mix of both.

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I had been a SAHM for about five minutes before I realised that it definitely wasn't for me. By the time that my guy was six weeks old, I desperately wanted to get back to work. My husband and I had a chat and switched roles. My son was exclusively breastfed, so I accepted my dream job and gave them a start date that coincided with his six month "birthday". I returned to work that week and my husband has been a stay-at-home-dad ever since. He will return to work in the fall when our son starts school.

Your post would definitely resonate with him. We moved overseas in order for me to take this job, so he started here as a SAHD with no social network, no friends, no local knowledge, nothing. He has branched out a bit, but I know that it has been a long and often lonely road.

Our son is fabulous, wonderful in every way. But, he's three. And before that he was two, and before that, a baby. We knew that we would never put him into daycare, and we didn't, but I also know that there's one great dad who can't wait to get back to work, to make professional friends and social contacts, and to be something more than just "dad".

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Molly, my occasional 3 day weekends are the equivalent of taking a "mental health" day when I worked in the 9-5 world. I don't feel worse after taking them.

In fact, it's about the only thing that recharges me. I'm a lot more relaxed and have way more patience with my 2 year old after I return. It is the only time I get a break when I have energy to enjoy it.

Maybe you can work something out with the grandparents for watching your child while you take a well deserved break? My parents were happy to have a solo visit with my son while I did the long half of my cross country road trip. Sometimes you just have to make the arrangements yourself and say "I am doing this because I need a beak. I'll be back in 72 hours".

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I've been a SAHM for the last 8.5 years, with 4 babies being born in that time. Number One, I really wish I could give Brandi a hug, cause she needs one.... and a friend to visit with who doesn't give a rat's patootie what her house looks like, or her hair or make-up. I'm old enough (46, this fall) to remember what the 'old' neighborhoods were like, and the biggest difference that I see is not a loss of 'village' attitude, but ugly competitiveness and judgmentalism. I'm talking about moms who look down on moms whose houses aren't 'just right'. I love Fly Lady (www.flylady.net). Her attitude of 'don't try to catch up, just jump in from where you are' is so forgiving. The site also addresses what I think I hear here a LOT: SHE's - Sidetracked Home Executives... women who used to work outside the home and can't figure out how to make their home work as smoothly as their office always did. ;) I think our moms and their moms were a few things we are not... namely, forgiving, understanding and discreet. They did not call CPS on each other for messy houses, or kids with dirty t-shirts. They weren't paranoid of each other, since they weren't perceived as threats, but as fellow (sister) stay-at-home parents. I run an informal support group in my community, and that is the one thing that I hear more than any other: women are afraid of the disapproval of other women, and the terrible consequences that can occur due to self-righteous attitudes in some SAHParents. Neighbors don't know neighbors - they're afraid of each other. No one wants to know what anyone else does at home, or in their family, for fear that it will open a can of worms for someone. It's sad... and I am very grateful for the small but steady community of support our family has built over the years here. I'd rather go to a friends house and help her clean house and do laundry while drinking a Dr. Pepper, than sit at home and gossip or backstab her on the phone with other women in the neighborhood.... and maybe that's the way to make it work. Help each other, and eliminate the fear. Just my thoughts on the subject.

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Dawn, will you be my neighbor???

I have been fortunate enough to have a friend or two whose houses are similar to mine. One friend and I even had a couple of those cleaning parties. I still wind up lonely and isolated because I'm always worried about new folks seeing my house. We move a lot, so it's always a new challenge, with new people who haven't yet learned about the Messy Me.

My own sister has commented, "Well, you're the one who had all those kids..." Gotta love that one.

I didn't know that mothering and homeschooling would be isolating. I did know that it would be hard work. Kids are hard. I find myself muttering, sometimes several times a day, "I don't get paid enough for this." Of course, I do. It just that life is all about ups and downs.

Maybe it helps that I believe that women are sanctified by their children. I see how I have grown and changed *because* of my children and the challenges they present. I frequent a momblog at http://www.daniellebean.com Danielle has a bunch of kids and cracks me up when she relays stories of their antics. They are the same antics that could drive her crazy if she had a different perspective.

Maybe I'm clueless or maybe I'm not defensive, but when people ask what I do, I say that I'm a mom. Then I add, "Yup. I just sit at home and eat bon-bons and watch Oprah all day." I just figure that the people who don't value SAHMotherhood just don't know any better. My husband values it, I value it and my kids value it (sort of).

Yeah, parts of parenthood stink. Other parts are indescribably delightful. Maybe we need more reasonable expectations?

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You DO sound like a REAL SAHM... dirty diaper acrobatics and the clerks who really REALLY don't care that they are our only link to "the real world."

I have 7 at home, don't work... and my biggest gripe is that everyone thinks I'm fair game. Because I don't have a job (with a check) that I am available (and willing) to run errands, watch other peoples kids, do class snacks- projects- etc.

It's not what people expect it to be. And it's hard... or EVERYONE would be doing it.

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Brandi, I also have four children who are all in the same age range as yours. I think my two youngest have a few months each on your youngest ones though. Mine are 1 4 5 6 years old soon to 6 and 7 on the older ones.The are respectively 1 2 and three years apart, I have a first grader A Kinder and soon to be preschooler.
I think You may be suffering from post-partum depression. Its very common in the month after giving birth especially in the first few months.Nursing can also aggravate this as nursing baby's feed more often than Formula fed baby's. What we found that worked with my baby daughter when she was that age was to pump out the milk and feed her from a bottle. We soon added a small amount of cereal to the bottle as well and she began sleeping for six and a half hours at night.She also no longer fell asleep while nursing. This allowed me more rest at night and I didn't feel so overwhelmed during the day so much. You can also try introducing her to cereals or Juice in the next month. Check out the nursers they sell to feed watered down baby food from a nipple. 3-4 months is the right age to try this if she shows interest in it.I can really relate to everything you are going through. My youngest daughter has medical problems that left her having had 5 surgery's before she could even crawl.Its stressful and overwhelming and its easy to slip into a depression under weight of it all.Feel free to send me a email if you need a buddy some time.
kym_21@hotmail.com Im still at home with the kids, but Im the manager for a remodeling company and I do it all from home for now. So I'M ALWAYS ONLINE AND CHECKING EMAILS

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I am a SAHM and I would not trade it for anything. My younger child will be in full time kindergarten next year so I will probably have to go back to work at least part time but I don't want to. The luxury of not having to deal with daycare, figuring out who will stay home if the kids are sick, and what to do when meetings or out of town trips come as a surprise has been wonderful.

BTW, I am a pediatric nurse practitioner and worked for 7 years before I finally stayed home when my first born was 15 months. After working and then staying home, I can honestly say, staying home works for me so much better.

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I agree with you completely. I HATED it when people treated me like I was stupid and uninteresting because I was home with the kids. I finally got to the point where I would occasionally snarl, "You know. I had a baby. Not a lobotomy." because all of a sudden I was presumed to be uninteresting and stupid. And I HATED having to chit-chat with the other moms who were all apparently fascinated with American Girl. I also HAD a child. I didn't become one.

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Kids aren't easy rather you're with them all day or not. It's not supposed to be. The fun parts wouldn't be so rewarding if not for the difficult ones contrasting them.

I see one common problem with everyone's complaint. Everyone is still stuck in this mindset that the life they left behind for 24/7 motherhood is somehow meaningful. It's not. Being a mother should've snapped you out of that mindset real quick, but I guess not. Politics, books, what other adults think of you, none of that's important. What is important? Your kids having their mother at home actually raising them instead of letting someone else do it for you.

For this portion of your life the important things are going to be Sesame Street, cheesey jokes, cupcakes, water balloon fights, chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs, and the endless supply of LEGOS that your child keeps pulling out that you don't even remember buying for them.

I have fun talking to other moms. I live in a neighborhood where almost everybody is a stay at home mom. None of them talk about birthday parties and diapers unless one of them are having a birthday party. Mostly, we pretty much talk about adult stuff. Talking about kid stuff though? Doesn't bother me a bit.

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I was a sahm for 19 years. Ladies, it is all what you make it. Almost every day I took the kids,(22 months apart) to a park, play ground or nature center. There are other ADULTS there. They are also eager to talk to other adults while you both watch and play with the kids. Make connections. When my first was born the lose of independence, paycheck, and even knowing what day it was was a shock. My husband and I came up with a plan. Every payday (for him) also became my payday. When he got a raise, I got a raise. He would give me a certain amount of money to buy groceries or whatever I wanted (within reason!). I also had access to his money if necessary. I maintained the accounts and credit cards I already had. That way I maintained the illusion of independence and also my credit rating. The most important thing we did, was every Saturday was HIS day to take care of the kids. He did everything. That was my time to go out, meet with friends, just chill or whatever I wanted to do. When both kids started school that ended, which was ok because I had all day to myself. I started
volunteering at their school where I made more friends with others doing the same thing and more contacts. I was not a 'helicopter mom' BTW! But it was great seeing what was going on at the place where my kids spent most of the day. Now, my son is in his second year of college and my daughter will be entering college in the fall. I have been offered, and accepted a job at their high school! It dosn't pay a huge amount of money but it has full benefits and all the days and summer off just like the kids. I am still the same woman and I am enjoying my new life. Another word, Women, before you know it, your children will be grown and gone. IT's very painful!! So make the most of their childhood while you can. It's over in the blink of an eye. You make it what it is.

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