Sharon Stone Sued By Former Nanny
Parent vs. Parent: Being a stay-home parent sucks
Filed under: Work Life
When my husband and I began talking about having children, I announced that OF COURSE I would stay home with them. And yes, you should hear me saying that in the most sanctimonious voice possible, because ten years ago, when we started down the road to having a baby, I was one of Those Women, the ones who couldn't possibly understand how anyone could leave their Preshus Baybee with a daycare provider.
Looking back, I would like to smack that much younger me. Or, perhaps more usefully, I would like to tell her what I've learned. I've been a stay-home parent for nearly seven years. Until I started writing for ParentDish, in February, I hadn't worked at all since May of 2000. And while I have no regrets about my choice, being a stay-home parent has quite honestly not been what I expected. Being home with my children has been rewarding, yes, but it has also been isolating and incredibly stressful. And I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way.
We live in a culture that romanticizes parenting in general, and particularly motherhood. Babies are soft and sweet and, if you believe all those baby shampoo commercials, always sleeping or cooing happily. Toddlers entertain themselves for hours on end, and when your kids get into school, why they will read! and do crafts! and play nicely in the yard without ever getting dirty or hurt! And of course, when they do get dirty or hurt, you, as the mom, will inevitably be patient and cheerful because what's another load of laundry when the kids are having fun?
Right.
What you don't see on TV is the baby who crawls away while you're changing the poopy diaper, or the toddler who uses the toilet brush to paint the bathroom wall, or the preschooler who draws a picture on the wall in his bedroom with a Sharpie he found on the desk. You don't see the days where one or another of the kids is crying at every turn, where no one naps and everyone has to be carried or held, where the only adult you get to talk to is the grocery store clerk who doesn't really care that your birthday is on Tuesday.
There are a lot of days like that.In general, I have a pretty great job here; after all, I play with kids all day. I enjoy hanging out with my sons, and I was particularly touched by Roger's admission that he wishes he had more time to play with Sara and Jared at the end of the day. But I do not have an endless supply of patience (who does, really?) and sometimes in the fourth hour of building Lego towers for the superhero action figures to jump off of, I start to think, gosh it would be nice to have a job, one where I got to talk to people about politics or books without pictures or the R rated movie I watched last weekend. Small children, even the brightest, most charming of them, have limited conversational skills, and it's a long day when you're playing pass-the-block with a two-year-old who only knows a few dozen words and mostly uses them to describe Elmo.
It's not only the kids who don't have much to say, though; when you're a stay-home parent, particularly of very small children, other adults don't really want to talk to you, either. I am still shocked by how the admission that I stay home with my kids could render me essentially invisible to other adults, but it was much worse when my children were babies. People would ask, "What do you do?" and when I would tell them, they would quite literally turn away, assuming that I had nothing interesting to say to them. Or worse, they would pat me on the arm and say, "Well isn't that wonderful," and THEN turn away. Or they would insistently chatter about diapers and Gymboree and birthday parties and schools, because they assumed that was all I was interested in.
These days, when people ask what I do, I say, "I work from home," and the conversation is entirely different. I get asked about what I'm reading and what movies I have seen and who I will vote for in the Presidential primaries. I'm still the same person (although probably less tired, now that everyone sleeps through the night) but that small change of status--working from home--changes how people see me.
It seems like a very dangerous thing to say that being a stay home parent is difficult. I am aware of how fortunate I am to have been able to stay home, without working, for so long; I feel fortunate now to be working in the minimal way I am, more for my own entertainment than out of any economic necessity. I know how few parents are able to do that, and I don't mean to belittle the opportunity I have here. But despite the fact that we tend to put stay-home parents on pedestals, there is nothing magical about being home. Being at home is isolating and frustrating. It is also incredibly rewarding and tremendously fun. What has been hardest for me is acknowledging the former at the same time that I relish the latter.
Looking back, I would like to smack that much younger me. Or, perhaps more usefully, I would like to tell her what I've learned. I've been a stay-home parent for nearly seven years. Until I started writing for ParentDish, in February, I hadn't worked at all since May of 2000. And while I have no regrets about my choice, being a stay-home parent has quite honestly not been what I expected. Being home with my children has been rewarding, yes, but it has also been isolating and incredibly stressful. And I don't think I'm the only one who feels that way.
We live in a culture that romanticizes parenting in general, and particularly motherhood. Babies are soft and sweet and, if you believe all those baby shampoo commercials, always sleeping or cooing happily. Toddlers entertain themselves for hours on end, and when your kids get into school, why they will read! and do crafts! and play nicely in the yard without ever getting dirty or hurt! And of course, when they do get dirty or hurt, you, as the mom, will inevitably be patient and cheerful because what's another load of laundry when the kids are having fun?
Right.
What you don't see on TV is the baby who crawls away while you're changing the poopy diaper, or the toddler who uses the toilet brush to paint the bathroom wall, or the preschooler who draws a picture on the wall in his bedroom with a Sharpie he found on the desk. You don't see the days where one or another of the kids is crying at every turn, where no one naps and everyone has to be carried or held, where the only adult you get to talk to is the grocery store clerk who doesn't really care that your birthday is on Tuesday.
There are a lot of days like that.In general, I have a pretty great job here; after all, I play with kids all day. I enjoy hanging out with my sons, and I was particularly touched by Roger's admission that he wishes he had more time to play with Sara and Jared at the end of the day. But I do not have an endless supply of patience (who does, really?) and sometimes in the fourth hour of building Lego towers for the superhero action figures to jump off of, I start to think, gosh it would be nice to have a job, one where I got to talk to people about politics or books without pictures or the R rated movie I watched last weekend. Small children, even the brightest, most charming of them, have limited conversational skills, and it's a long day when you're playing pass-the-block with a two-year-old who only knows a few dozen words and mostly uses them to describe Elmo.
It's not only the kids who don't have much to say, though; when you're a stay-home parent, particularly of very small children, other adults don't really want to talk to you, either. I am still shocked by how the admission that I stay home with my kids could render me essentially invisible to other adults, but it was much worse when my children were babies. People would ask, "What do you do?" and when I would tell them, they would quite literally turn away, assuming that I had nothing interesting to say to them. Or worse, they would pat me on the arm and say, "Well isn't that wonderful," and THEN turn away. Or they would insistently chatter about diapers and Gymboree and birthday parties and schools, because they assumed that was all I was interested in.
These days, when people ask what I do, I say, "I work from home," and the conversation is entirely different. I get asked about what I'm reading and what movies I have seen and who I will vote for in the Presidential primaries. I'm still the same person (although probably less tired, now that everyone sleeps through the night) but that small change of status--working from home--changes how people see me.
It seems like a very dangerous thing to say that being a stay home parent is difficult. I am aware of how fortunate I am to have been able to stay home, without working, for so long; I feel fortunate now to be working in the minimal way I am, more for my own entertainment than out of any economic necessity. I know how few parents are able to do that, and I don't mean to belittle the opportunity I have here. But despite the fact that we tend to put stay-home parents on pedestals, there is nothing magical about being home. Being at home is isolating and frustrating. It is also incredibly rewarding and tremendously fun. What has been hardest for me is acknowledging the former at the same time that I relish the latter.
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ReaderComments (Page 2 of 2)
5-10-2007 @ 12:27PM
Lisa J. said..."Everyone is still stuck in this mindset that the life they left behind for 24/7 motherhood is somehow meaningful. It's not."
I wonder if this outlook is part of the problem. For me, it was insulting that after having my daughter, people sometimes assumed I no longer had the ambition, sense of adventure, ideas, and disposition that I had before. A few times, before I set the record straight, some of my colleagues assumed that, because I was a now mom, I wouldn't want certain duties or was somehow less capable of doing my job. Like another poster, I also sometimes wanted to say "I had a baby. Not a lobotomy." I had gone through an amazing and life altering experience, but I was still me.
What I had before my daughter was immensely meaningful and many of those elements, such as work, my marriage, and my friends, remain meaningful. There's no doubt that my daughter has changed and enriched my life tremendously, and while parenthood impacts everyone differently, it seems like an issue for some of the posters is having other people assuming that because they're at home, they are no longer values any of the things they did before, don't have any of the same interests and ideas, etc. Some women might change that radically, but the women I know, after motherhood, whether they stay home or work, have more on their minds than legos and cupcakes and want to be recognized as the smart, active, independent, and vibrant people they are.
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5-13-2007 @ 12:09AM
Karabear said...I have been a stay at home mom for 15 years and take care of 7 beautiful children. I think those of you who are complaining about being able to stay at home with your children should be ashamed of yourselves. Its time to grow up and stop being so selfish. The world doesn't revolve around you like it once did. You have such a limited time with your children and you are whining about how hard it is? Give me a break, its called being a parent, deal with it. If you don't like the job God gave you, why did you have children in the first place. Of course its not always fun, of course its not always easy, its called life. If you can't give up a little bit of yourself for your children then you don't deserve them.
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5-13-2007 @ 10:33AM
Messed Up Mama said...A bit harsh don't you think Karabear? Being a Stay at home Mom isn't right for everyone, but that doesn't make them bad parents. Why is it so hard for some of you to understand that? Complaining about the hard parts sometimes is all it takes to blow off steam, something we all need now and then. I'd rather not do it to my children, but here with other parents who will understand? Sure, it doesn't mean that I don't WANT to be a SAHM it just means I need that out let.
Relax a little.
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5-13-2007 @ 3:47PM
noahsmom1013 said...I have been blessed to be able to be a SAHM for the 17 years I have been married. I got married a week after I turned 18. I have four kids and would love to have more. It is hard sometimes. Things can be hard, but children really do need their parents home with them. If you really think about it...if you aren't home with them then the person that is with them all day is basically raising them. I have in the past year done in home daycare to make extra money for my family. Those kids were with me from 8am until 6pm! By the time they go home eat dinner and get a bath they are off to bed. So parents get to spend a couple of hours with them where I got to spend the whole day. Why have kids if you are going to let someone else raise them? I do understand that there are sometimes are extreme circumstances where both parents must work. But I do think if we all made sacrifices that many parents could be home with their kids. If you don't like being a SAHM ... Do you like being a parent??? That is what the ideal parenting situation is...being home with your kids. I stopped doing in home daycare because parents took advantage of me and came late and dropped them off earlier and earlier. They would call me on the weekend to babysit too. I would think to myself, " Gee do these parents ever just want to be with their kids?" It just broke my heart. There are ways you can be home with your kids if you really, truely want to. Work from home, work at night when your husband is at work, in home daycare is also an option. My kids will all be in school next year. I will work while they are in school or at night when my husband is home. I was just so sad and angry to read that some parents see being a SAHM as such a burden. Every parent should value the time they spend with their kids. Time goes by so quickly and before we know it they will be grown.
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5-14-2007 @ 10:30AM
Karabear said...Being a stay at home mom isn't right for everyone? Are you kidding me? Let's just have kids and then pay other people to raise them because "its just not right for me". Why have children in the first place then? You can carry them for 9 months, give birth to them, and then decide that "gee, I think I'd rather go to work and be with adults all day, this is just too hard." Give me a break. If its not for you, don't get pregnant. Imagine that your own mother gives birth to you and then decides she can't handle you because you cry too much and don't provide her with stimulating conversation so she puts you in daycare with a group of strangers while she goes off to do what makes her happy. Is she a good mother? No way. Giving birth doesn't make a mother, being a mother takes a lot of time, patience, and dedication. It doesn't come naturally, it takes work and effort. So what if its hard, so what if you don't like it all the time, quit your complaining and realize its time to grow up. You are a mother now, you can't pass your responsibility over when it gets too tough. If you choose to have a child, it is your obligation as a mother to raise that child. There is no daycare provider on this earth that will take your newborn or toddler and love them the way you do, if at all. You are doing a disservice to your family and you are doing a disservice to this world. Kids these days are spoiled brats and we need to realize where they are getting it from....their spoiled mothers who put themself first because its "too hard and not for me". Waaahhhh, cry about it, get over it, and quit your complaining.
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5-14-2007 @ 5:21PM
Anna V. said...I was going to stay out of this, until Karabear decided to be such a bitch.
I had kids with the full intention of being a SAHM. Post-partum depression kept me in a dark corner for well over a year. Know what popped me out of it? Anti-depressants, therapy and GOING BACK TO WORK! Many women work damn hard at taking care of their kids and trying to be a decent mother, but come to the conclusion that staying at home is not right for anybody in the family. Would you rather me be a SAHM, ignoring my children's basic needs because I'd rather die, or me working, my kids at daycare, able to come together in the evenings and enjoy our family?
I thought I could hack it as a SAHM. I couldn't. Part of me feels guilty. The other part of me realizes that I am not the only person who can raise my children. My husband fully shares in his duties and watches them. My inlaws and my mother have helped out greatly. Babysitters and daycare providers are a part of their upbringing too. Friends and coworkers have even stepped in to help with the burden. I think this will be quite beneficial for my kids - they have several people in their lives who love them and care for them.
I work because it makes me happy. My husband works because it also makes him happy (aside from the whole military obligation thing). My 4yo daughter is addicted to preschool, and her 2yo twin brothers are learning to play with other children (a good thing). Two happy parents with three happy kids. That's what matters, not some BS from women on their (too-high) horses.
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5-14-2007 @ 11:29PM
Lisa J. said...Great reply, Anna! Ditto to all you said.
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5-15-2007 @ 12:03AM
Karabear said...If the fact that I LIKE my children and enjoy spending time with them puts me on a high horse then I say "Ride 'em cowboy." The only thing I can say to you is that postpartum depression is a medical condition and if going back to work "healed" you then you had serious issues long before you became pregnant. If you knew you didn't like children when you had one, why did you go and have more? And then to complain about it? Come on now. If babysitters and daycare are considered part of your childrens upbringing, then I pity your children. You say that going back to work makes you happy? I say that being with my children makes me happy. You are seriously warped in your mindset. Your children are not your problem. No offense.
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5-15-2007 @ 12:06AM
Karabear said...If the fact that I LIKE my children and enjoy spending time with them puts me on a high horse then I say "Ride 'em cowboy." The only thing I can say to you is that postpartum depression is a medical condition and if going back to work "healed" you then you had serious issues long before you became pregnant. If you knew you didn't like children when you had one, why did you go and have more? And then to complain about it? Come on now. If babysitters and daycare are considered part of your childrens upbringing, then I pity your children. You say that going back to work makes you happy? I say that being with my children makes me happy. You are seriously warped in your mindset. Your children are not your problem. No offense.
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5-15-2007 @ 12:09AM
noahsmom1013 said...Wow!! Talk about rude. Very childish to call someone a bitch don't you think?? The fact still remains that it is the parents job to raise their kids. The whole saying that it takes a village to raise a child is a bunch of BS!! I don't want my kids raised by anyone but me. I don't want them to have the beliefs and morals of my mom, family, friends, or daycare. No one takes care of your kids the way you would...no one! If you work full time you only get evenings and weekends with your kids. How is that fair to them? What about their happiness? So you are happy because you work. What happens when they come home from school and really need their mom? Who will be there for them? Daycare? How completely sad is that? They need their mommy, not someone pretending to be. I am a SAHM because of many and I do mean many sacrifices we have made. It is possible. I am shocked at the number of women who actually choose work over being home with their children. Depression can be horrible. But you can find ways to deal with it and still be a wonderful SAHM.
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5-15-2007 @ 12:11AM
Karabear said...Sorry, I don't know why my last comment went through twice.
You also made this statement, "Would you rather me be a SAHM, ignoring my children's basic needs because I'd rather die" I hope your children never hear you say things like that. Some people just should not have children.
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5-15-2007 @ 2:16AM
Messed Up Mama said...Wow, I can't believe someone who professes to be a good mother/parent could be so judgmental! Try to have a little respect. You children learn from you, I hope YOUR children never hear you say things like that.
Feeling trapped, depressed, bored, frustrated or whatever and working to either relieve those feelings by complaining to people who will listen, or going back to work isn't a sign of a bad parent or someone who doesn't like children. It's a sign of someone who knows themselves and is brave enough to do what is right for their family.
I love my children, all three of them. I've been parenting for 28 years now. I stayed home with the older two until their Dad divorced me. Then I worked.
When I remarried I stayed home until the youngest of the two went to school. Then I went college and got my BS.
Now I have a 4 year old and I stay home with him. I love it. But it's hard, it's boring, it's frustrating, it's mind numbing, and the hardest job I've ever had. It is also the most fun, rewarding, full filling and by far the best job I've ever had. Staying at home with my children is wonderful, for me. It would kill my husband, however. Oh and he is a wonderful parent, even though he works outside the home.
Some people make it sound like an easy life, staying at home with children. All sunshine and roses. So if it isn't that way for you, you shouldn't have ever had children in the first place. How ridiculous is that?
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5-15-2007 @ 9:31AM
caitlin said...Karabear, there are sacrifices that aren't unreasonable to ask someone to make, and then there are ones that are. I don't think anyone would argue that your kids come before status symbols.
Asking someone to sacrifice their mental health is wrong. I hate hearing the sad news stories about a mother whose PPD has slipped into post partum psychosis. It's better for to have a functioning working mom than a SAHM who feels trapped with her PPD.
I'm not surprised so many women would rather work. The support system that our grandmothers and mothers had is pretty much gone. There is no safe place to vent without someone being there to tell you that you are being selfish and if only you would just try harder...
Our society has made it disgustingly acceptable to treat a SAHM as if her brain went out with the placenta, and to see her as a one dimensional stereotype instead of a person. It gets to you after awhile, and if you lack a place to vent, it festers and feeds your PPD.
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5-16-2007 @ 10:09PM
Sandyone said...I just can't recall a time when I was dismissed for being a stay at home mom. I figure that I may have been at one time or another, but I didn't notice it.
Do you think that maybe we all agree that motherhood can be really hard? I vehemently disagree with the description that motherhood 'sucks'.
In the olden days, all women were supposed to become mothers. All mothers were supposed to stay at home with the kids. This was fine for the vast majority of women. The women who didn't fit this mold suffered. A lot. Those women needed support and other options. It's important to remember that they were a minority.
Today, the pendulum has swung the other way and the only valued work is paid work. Well paid work, that is. That's why SAHMs feel so self-conscious and suspect that others don't value them. Perhaps they feel it more strongly if they themselves were once disdainful of women who stayed home with kids.
I'm still of the mind that it simply doesn't matter what other people think. I don't need their approval or encouragement. Sure, it's nice to get it, but it's not necessary. *I* approve of what I'm doing. *My husband* approves of what I'm doing. My kids even approve. Is there someone else whose opinion actually matters?
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5-31-2007 @ 7:31PM
joanne ingram said...I am a SAHM w/ a 3 yr. old son. Having worked for 20 yrs. as a cardiac nurse I thought nothing could be harder than some of the jobs i had endured...wrong!!!! Ilove staying home now but it took some soul searching, rearranging of my social life and learning to ask for a break. The last of these was my hardest because i was always the smart, independent, hard-working nurse that could handle anything and anyone.
My advise for any SAHM or FTWM is to network and find some other moms somewhere and sometime..even 1 hour a week helps alot. I went to one Moms club and it wasn't for me and I cannot justify spending $50-100/month to go to a mom/child class but these are a good resource too. I met a mom one day at our local park when our guys were about 22 months. i asked her if she would like to meet there the same day next week. We started that day and kept asking other moms we met at that same park. Different moms have come and gone but we now have a solid group of 4 moms and 5 kids who not only do the park thing but call each other just to vent..have each other over for casual (cheap) dinners,playdates,birthdays...etc. None of us are club joiners by nature and this works great for us. 2 of the moms work part-time too. We are nowtalking about moms night out soon. It will be our first...we deserve it! 1 year ago I thought I shouldn't need a night ou when my husband and I only grt out about once a month alone. I am a slow and stubborn learner. Life is good but you have to make it good and then remember to be thankful that it is.
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