Banking on motherhood

"I say good for her."

Me too. Now she doesn't have to settle for the first fertile Tom, Dick (no pun intended), nor Harry who comes along.

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What is wrong with doing it on your own? Why do women always seem to think you HAVE to have Mr. Right in order to have a kid? I know that is the Ideal way to go and naturally that is what we all wish for, but why put becoming a mother on hold until you find the right man? I have done it on my own and it is wonderful, not the way I pictured my life when I was a little girl planning my life but how many of us have our lives turn out exactly as we have them all planned out? It is a great idea to put your eggs on hold until YOU are ready but you should never allow not finding the perfect mate as a pre-requisite to whether or not you have a child. Go it on your own, we take risks all the time in our careers, with our health, with our friends and family, so why not go ahead and enjoy the joys of becoming a mother as soon as you want to?

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I agree it is a good idea. It is something I might encourage my dd to do. My sister is the first women in our family to not have a hystorectomy by 35 because of medical issues. We have all had issues with cancers and or fertility and so it might be a good idea.

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"As for those who may raise ethical or philosophical objections, she notes that 'the idea that women may be able to control their fertility may be frightening to some people, but in reality it is liberating.'"

This makes the false assumption that all of those who raise ethical or philosophical objections are just using them as an excuse to keep women down. It's simply not so.

"and men seem more attracted to me" Yeah...maybe it's because they have limited understanding and assume that because she had eggs taken out that she's less fertile and less likely to get knocked-up by them. An infertile woman is certain to more attractive to men who are looking for a roll in the hay. (Maybe my understanding is limited and she *is* less likely to conceive naturally? Anyone know the science behind this one?)

Cherie, I didn't know which part of your comment to cut and paste, so I just used this one: "Why do women always seem to think you HAVE to have Mr. Right in order to have a kid?"

The answer is because THE CHILD deserves two parents. It's not about what Mom wants. Motherhood is all about what is best for THE CHILD.

It's terrific that your life is turning out well. What a great skill, to take what life throws at you and make the best of it. That's how happiness is made. It strikes me as extremely selfish to deprive a child of the love of a good father simply because the mother thinks it's too much trouble.

Heather, don't forget that another option for your daughter to consider would be to have her children earlier in life. Of course, I don't know the details of the health issues in your family, but from your comment, it sounds as if there is fertility, but it's not long lasting.

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Sandyone: I don't really get your problem with this - if a woman wants to save her eggs so that even if she doesn't meet her lifemate by her 40th birthday, she can still have children, who the heck cares? As for Heather's daughter, perhaps not getting pregnant fresh out of high school isn't everyone's idea of a perfect life - I think it's smart to wait before kids: parents are likely more mature, more financially stable, better educated, and probably more prepared overall.

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Jen, there is an awful lot to my problem with this. I don't expect that you'll agree with me, but since you asked, I'm assuming that you are interested in at least understanding my position.

There is no simple soundbite that can sum it up. I'm going to keep it brief and that's probably going to leave a lot for you to object to. I will try to give you the bottom line and then a couple of points in less lofty language.

From the Catholic Catechism:

In No. 2377, the Catechism explains why the Church opposes methods that separate marital love-making from baby-making.

"They dissociate the sexual act from the procreative act. The act which brings the child into existence is no longer an act by which two persons give themselves to one another, but one that entrusts the life and identity of the embryo into the power of doctors and biologists and establishes the domination of technology over the origin and destiny of the human person. Such a relationship of domination is in itself contrary to the dignity and equality that must be common to parents and children. Under the moral aspect procreation is deprived of its proper perfection when it is not willed as the fruit of the conjugal act, that is to say, of the specific act of the spouses' union."

That's a big mouthful and our society completely doesn't 'get' the Church's teaching on sexuality. My first comment addressed the false accusation that people opposed are opposed because they don't want women to have freedom. There really are problematic ethical issues and it does everyone a disservice to pretend that the opposition is based on selfishness or power-grabbing.

For a simplification of the Catechism text, "Father Tadeusz PachoIczyk, director of education at the National Catholic Bioethics Center in Philadelphia, explained that the Church teaches that the procedure is immoral for several reasons. 'It undermines the meaning of sex. It violates the exclusivity of the couple's marriage covenant,' Father Pacholczyk said. 'It says that it is okay to manufacture life in a laboratory as if it were a commodity, when it should be the result of human love.'"

I took this information off of this page:
http://www.staycatholic.com/what_is_wrong_with_in-vitro_fertilization.htm

If what I've pasted here gives you enough understanding of my opposition, I'm happy. If not, and you want to discuss it more, please take a couple of minutes to read the link so we don't go back and forth (and so I don't have to plagiarize!).

As for my comment to Heather, I thought I'd done a good job of presenting it as just an alternative idea. If harvesting eggs is something to think about, conceiving before infertility becomes a problem is an equally viable alternative. Our lives are so influenced by technology that such a simple possible solution is now more of an "outside the box" idea. As I said, I don't know Heather's family history and I have no idea what might be causing their problems. I was just presenting another idea, not suggesting that she crank out babies. There are an awful lot of years between high school graduation and 35.

With Respect,
Sandyone

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Wow, Sandyone has a TON of time on her hands!

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Sandyone, thank you for taking the time to explain your position so well and so clearly. It is very interesting to hear the reasoning behind your concerns. While I don't subscribe to the same set of moral principles, it does help to understand yours as they relate to this issue. Thanks!

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"What is wrong with doing it on your own? Why do women always seem to think you HAVE to have Mr. Right in order to have a kid?"

Cherie, I think it has more to do with the prospect of becoming a single mother by choice is a bit daunting, especially if you've watched a friend struggle with single parenthood. There are a lot of perks that you miss out on when you don't have a partner (not necessarily Mr Right).

You don't have anyone to give you a break on the bad days or when you're sick. You only have your pool of sick/vacation days to use for when the kids are sick. It can be harder to resolve extracurricular schedule conflicts with 2+ kids and one parent. And most women will lose the option to be a stay at home parent.

There are also financial considerations. Some women have careers they love, but barely pay enough for a single person, let alone support a family. It is easier for two parents to make allowances to make that sort of situation work. You also have more flexibility to choose things like going back to school to change careers or starting up a business.

I do think it's possible to be a single mom by choice, but it does take a lot more forethought and work to get in a position where it would be desirable. And for some people, part of the allure of parenting is the whole raising kids together.

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Another consideration is that there may be multiple reasons why women are much less likely to bear children after age 40. Banking eggs may get rid of one issue, but make it much more likely that other issues will surface. It is quite possible that our egg-production abilities end at a certain age BECAUSE of other important issues such as increased problems for older women and/or their babies during pregnancy. Personally, I don't think these risks should be taken lightly. To me, intentionally conceiving when there is a significant chance of miscarriage is taking lightly the loss of human life. (Not that parents take miscarriages lightly after the fact, but I think some do take the risk lightly before the fact - to their own detriment.)

Another point. I have a single friend who decided to have a child via artificial insemination. Her son is around 11 years old and has told her that he resents the fact that she intentionally conceived him as a fatherless child. Maybe this was just a passing feeling, but it's something to think about. Personally, I think I'd be a great parent for either sex up to a point, but when my mind fast forwards to a boy's 13th or 17th birthday, I see a child who needs the continuous guidance of a responsible male. The usual methods of conception (artificial or otherwise) don't allow us to choose our babies' genders. (Of course dads are important for girls too, but I feel this is most true of teenage boys.)

It's true that the choices we make about building our families affect our children more than ourselves. We do need to put the children's interests first.

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Wow! This topic really gets people stirred up I can see. All I am trying to explain is that in this day and age, a woman simply freezing her eggs because she has not found Mr Right is not a good enough reason for me to do it. Becoming a mother is the single best thing I ever did in my life and I did not PLAN to do it alone, thru circumstance and being WRONG about Mr Right, it turned out that way. The thing is, you can never really be 100% sure about anyone so if you are waiting for another person to justify you having a child then you could very well be missing out on something wonderful. Do it for yourself not because you have or have not found a partner in life.

Of course a child deserves a mother and a father but children also can flourish just a productivily in a 2 parent household as in a 1 parent household. My grandmother had 4 girls, my grandfather worked full time and traveled on business so much that she basically was a single mother with 4 kids. In some ways, how can that be any different? She had to take care of each of them, stay home with them, take and pick them up from school, take them to the doctor, to dance class, soccer practice, etc. Do all of the housework and shopping and cook all of the meals. Granted that was in the late 50's and the 60's but how is much of that different from being a single mom of today. Other than the fact that I have to work a full time job and do all of those things and my grandmother stayed home because my grandfather brought home the money. I have a stay at home friend now who has 2 boys and her husband works 3 jobs so she can stay home with the kids, he is so busy working to put enough money in the bank that she also has to do the brunt of everything a single mom has to do.

My point is that to each his own but I just think women need to stop depending on that extra partner in their life before they plan things out and just do it for themselves, and if they happen upon the Mr Right of their dreams in the process then that just adds to the wonderful piece of thier life to add to their fullfilment.

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Roger, that is the nicest thing for you to say! I was almost afraid to look when I saw that you'd posted a comment (I hadn't paid attention to who had posted this article).

I did come up with a soundbite for Catholic teaching on sexuality. I'm no spin doctor, so you won't be seeing it on TV anytime soon. Basically, it's that sex and babies go together and that it's wrong to separate the two. Don't have sex without being open to the life that may be created and don't make babies without the marital act/relationship.

See? I told you I wasn't much good at it! But that should help people understand why there is a problem with pre- or extramarital sex, contraceptive sex, masturbation, homosexual sex, in vitro, surrogate motherhood and some, but not all, other reproductive techniques. It is a consistent ethic.

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lt - Sandyone thoroughly and respectfully explained her position. Just because her opinion uses several paragraphs doesn't mean "she has a lot of time on her hands." Not sure what you meant by that, though I imagine it was an attempted insult. I think it's compliment! She took the time and patience to clearly articulate her points.

I suspect you just aren't capable of digesting all that she said. That is your problem, not hers.

It must suck to be unintelligent.

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