Is too much advice undermining parents?

I do a combination of both. Since I don't have my parents and older brothers (the best teachers and examples, as far as I'm concerned) living near me, I pretty much have to rely on myself and my instincts. And sometimes, my temper gets the best of me. So I look to parenting books, as well as friends, to give me some insight and new ideas to tackle problems.

I did this right from the beginning... I pitched the "What to expect..." books, but took advice from "BabyWise" (a book that many parents think is horrible because it advocates putting baby on a schedule from the very beginning. But that schedule, with a few changes from me, was my lifeline). Now, I'm reading "Real Love in Parenting", which was recommended by a friend. I'll probably do the same with that one - take pieces and bits, and incorporate it into my personal style.

But, I also think that there's too much armchair quarterbacking of parents out there. We're way to insecure about our own common sense, and way to concerned with what other people think. And, unfortunately, we've had to become way too afraid to discipline our children in public because someone might disagree with us and sic the authorities on us.

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My mother in law is a good source of parenting advice - not so much for the actual content of her advice, but for the way she presents it. It's always "I'm not sure if this will work for you, but this is what worked with one of my kids." Although the content is usually pretty good too, it's nice, because she's not trying to force it down my throat.

I think men probably have a harder time. Seems like most new dads I know religiously read all the parenting books they can get their hands on. I get a lot of flak for letting my son have his own doll, but I think boys also need to practice being fathers the way little girls practice being mothers by playing with dolls.

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I like having a variety of approaches. I like reading the parenting books/magazines because I believe they give me more tools for my toolbox.

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With my first daughter on the way, I devoured every book out there to prep up. Then she got here and some stuff worked and some stuff didn't, and parents chimed in with some stuff that worked and some stuff that didn't, and right about the time I was going nuts (when she was having sleeping problems), my husband took me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye and said "YOU are this child's mother. YOU know her best, not our families, not the books. Do what you think is best for OUR child." When he said that, it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. And that's what I've been doing, with wonderful support from him, ever since. I don't claim to have all the answers or do everything right, and I think I have picked up some interesting and useful tips here and there. But yes, the plethora of advice can get very overwhelming for new parents, and ultimately undermine your confidence in making your own ability to be a parent to your child. People become slaves to Ferber and Sears and Mindell as if they're preaching the gospel, and no one thing works for every family or even every child in the same family.

My son is due in 7 weeks and I have yet to pick up a book - why bother when I don't have a clue yet what he will be like? I will see what his personality demands when he arrives, and adjust accordingly. I may need advice here and there, no doubt, but I will also remember that I am this child's mother and that I have the ability to make some decisions on my own. Thank God for my husband. His was the only advice that made perfect sense.

http://www.childofleisure.com

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It isn't the ubiquitous advice that's a problem, it's the infantile need for parental "solidarity." On the web and in parenting pubications, it's a constant barrage of "aww, you did great!!" Exchaning advice and offering guidance is one thing, but it's often taken to another level. Mothers in particular seek a pat on the back no matter how right or wrong they are. They want to be coddled and pandered to, and, frankly, it's maudlint to the extreme. Basically, mothers want to be told "do what *feels* right for you and your family. NO: There is that which feels right, and that which *is* right. Many mothers don't see the distinction.

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I have always felt since I had my first that mothers are the hardest on other mothers. Quickly pointing out what *is* right and what *is* wrong. Sorry there simply is not a right or wrong way to be a parent why? Well when my children came out they didnt come out with an instructional manual! What is right is measured by your own moral compass and everyone's is different, period! So as a parent you should find what works the best for you and your child now if what your doing isn't working then maybe its time to find a new way of doing things. Jamie had a good point go ahead read the advice you dont have to use it but if you should need it its in the "toolbox" so to speak. I am very tired of in our society today of those trying to say what *is* right and how we should live our lives everyone is different and everyone live their life the way they want and that is what makes this world such a great place is the diversity, if we start listening to everyone and do as they say do then we will have a uniform society with no seperate opinions, now what kind of fun would that be!

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