Can I baptize my child without being religious?

by Jennifer Jordan (Subscribe to Jennifer Jordan's posts) May 31st 2007 1:03PM

Categories: Newborns, Babies, Places To Go, Development

Well, folks, in the interest of sparking controversy everywhere I have decided to present our dear readers with a question I've been churning around in my mind since I was pregnant. Actually, in all honesty, this is something I am struggling with and could really use some advice on resolving. Maybe you can help!

I'm very strongly considering having my son baptized. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself, of course. Infant baptism is all the rage with many religions. See, the thing is, neither my husband nor I are religious. I would say currently I am a spiritual person, but not someone who attends a house of regular worship on an even remote basis nor who has any real interest in doing so. That said, I've been having this urge to get my kid baptized.

Before we get too far into this, a few things:

1. I have nothing against religion, organized or otherwise. This column is NOT about the virtues (or not) of religion.

2. I know there are those of you who will immediately hit me over the head with my amoral atrocity for not going to church every Sunday. I already know in your eyes that I'm headed to H-E-double-hockey-sticks so no need to comment on that. Again, the column is NOT about this.

Ok, now, moving on:

It might seem hypocritical to not be religious yet wish to do something VERY religious for my child. On the contrary--I figure I was baptized and later had the opportunity to decide for myself whether or not I wanted to remain religious, so why not provide that for my son? I mean, after all, if there is a God (not the point of this column; I repeat NOT the point of this column) and it's important to be baptized in order to get into heaven, why not give my son that opportunity?

At least I think baptism might be a requirement for getting into heaven, in addition to being a good person and whatnot. Like I said, I am not a religious person. I did attend Catholic school from first through third grade though, so you'd think I would remember SOMETHING from that time. Sheesh.

What I'm trying to say is that my parents gave me the foundation and I chose from there; shouldn't I do the same for my son? Or should I let him make that decision when he's old enough (and, if so, when is old enough? When he's an adult?).

Anyhow, this conundrum isn't keeping me from getting sleep or anything but it is something to which I've given a lot of thought. The real issue isn't whether or not I SHOULD do it, but whether or not it can even BE done. Having been raised sort of Catholic I am pretty sure any Catholic priest worth his salt won't baptize a child unless the parents are members of the church. I'd have to assume--and here's where I am hoping for some clarification from you, dear reader--that other houses of worship employ similar policies.

As you might imagine from the above I am not going to join a church. It wouldn't be fair to those who were there in earnest. If I joined, I wouldn't be seen at mass or at fundraisers or at the summer picnic. Well, maybe the picnics--I gotta tell ya, from experience, church picnics are pretty awesome. Not to mention that going through all the hullabaloo of joining only to conspicuously drop after the baptism would totally mess with my karma.

So what advice can you offer? I would like to know what, if any, options exist for this kind of situation. Any thoughts? Remember, I'm not asking whether you to bash religion, think I am headed to tarnation for what I choose for myself (not being religious) or whether or not there's a God. I just want to know if it's possible to have my son baptized.

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Comments (25)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 2)

Leian 5-31-2007 @ 1:20PM

Jennifer, that may very well depend on the church. Most churches will not baptize a child without some demonstration on the part of the parents that they at least espouse the teachings of the church and are planning to attend the church. And if the child is to have godparents, there are requirements that those people, too, belong to the Christian religion and in many cases, the same denomination.

I understand your quandary. I was brought up in a an Anglican household and still very much believe in God and Jesus. I have, however, developed my own definition of spirituality, which includes teachings from other religions and does not include nor necessitate a weekly appearance at church. We did, however, get my our daughter baptized because with my upbringing I felt that was important. The church wanted a commitment from us to attend, and I made one at the time, not lying, but because I was truly interested in returning to the fold in terms of being present at services and having that foundation. Guess what? It hasn't happened, I feel bad, and now I'm going to have to go through it with my son, who is due in a few weeks. I feel ashamed showing up at the first church, so I have to find another one where I will really feel at home. I'm not trying to duped anyone, but I just don't honestly believe that my being "good" requires this weekly attendance. If anything, I want my kids to get some foundation and some of the strength I've received from Christian teaching but still be broadminded enough to realize that life is bigger and more all-encompassing than that.

In a nutshell, if you want your child baptized soon after birth by a traditional priest of a traditional faith, you are going to have to make some show of faith and commitment to that church. I would not urge you to do this unless you feel it in your heart. But I understand your quandary perfectly. If I think of any solutions, I'll let you know.

Uncle Roger 5-31-2007 @ 1:19PM

I'm sure you can find someone who is willing to offer salvation to an infant even if the parents aren't interested. I know around here, almost any church (even the catholic ones) would be happy to do it.

That said, what if Heaven isn't run by the traditional Judeo-Christian god? What if Vishnu or Ymir or whoever sees baptism as a definite no-no? Even if your child rejects Christianity later on, it might just be too late. So, you have to ask yourself if your beliefs are limited to the Judeo-Christian god or just God in general?

Mind you, if your child decides he wants God in his life, and he picks a religion that believes in baptism, he can always be baptised then. If I'm not mistaken, there are some branches where baptism is strictly an adult thing, aren't there? (Catholics are baptised then they go through a confirmation when they're old enough (supposedly) to confirm that they do indeed want to be catholics.)

Uncle Roger 5-31-2007 @ 1:24PM

Darn... hit the button too soon.

Lest you worry that if you do baptise the kid and they turn out to be a rabid atheist, that they'll hate you for it... My mother had me baptised and I spent the first 18 years of my life going to church every Sunday. Heck, I was even an altar boy. I don't hold it against my mom at all -- she was only doing what she believed to be best for her kids.

M4Mommy 5-31-2007 @ 1:33PM

yes you can get your son baptized, even if you arent "religious"

I went to Catholic school from grades 1-8 and then left the Catholic religion, then left the religion I left the Catholic church for. I finally found my path(if you will) when I was older. But it does not involve a building or even getting together with other people with whom I share my beliefs.

When I found out I was pregnant I immediately started thinking about getting her baptized. But I didnt want it to be a "religious" ceremony. My husband is agnostic, his mother is Jewish, his father and step mother agnostic as well. My family stopped going to church years ago. But I still had a pull to do something to welcome her into the world.

So. We contacted the JP that married us.
It was wonderful to have him perform the welcoming ceremony, something I insisted on calling it. We had it at my mother house in the field. A place that has a lot special memories for me, right near a lone birch tree. It was personal.. and yes there was mention of God as well as water that was sprinkled on her forehead. But it was simple and beautiful. I read from a book we received when she was born and we named her "godparents" and had them involved as well.

So yes, you can. Might take some searching for a JP that will perform a baptism. But the Rev/JP we used does travel. :)

Wojtek 5-31-2007 @ 1:37PM

Let me get this straight, you're not a religious person, and yet you wonder about a religious issue?

I believe everyone needs to make their own decision about God, even outside of the church. A relationship with God is on a one on one basis. I believe salvation has nothing to do with something you do or don't do, its about a relationship. A child can't make that decision, but a grown child or adult can. I think you should leave that decision to him/her when they understand it. If you believe in heaven, you have to research the topic yourself. I am a Christian and believe that the bible is the word of God, not the church teachings. Whatever I believe about heaven I get from the bible, and in it there is not mention of baptizing as a prerequisite for heaven. In your case you cannot seperate this issued of baptism from what you believe in about God. The 2 are connected.

BabyLove77 5-31-2007 @ 1:40PM

I attend a non-denominational church and we have dedication ceremonies for infants and children and then allow them to be baptized when they are old enough to make the choice for themselves. We are taught that the Bible tells us Jesus requires and intellectual, emotional and willful decision to accept Him as your savior in order to get in to heaven. With that in mind, people who are not capable of making that three-fold commitment kind of get in for "free". Same goes for the poor Nigerian person in the middle of the desert (or whomever) who has never even heard of Jesus or the Bible or the three-fold commitment. It does not apply to people who have made the willful decision to not accept Jesus as their savior. I hope that makes some sense.

AB 5-31-2007 @ 1:45PM

It's not really clear to me what you're persionally trying to get accomplish by having him baptized if you're not religious, but you could consider a Unitarian ceremony as a way to introduce him to spiritual life without trying to force any specific belief on him:

http://www.uua.org/
"Unitarian Universalists search for truth along many paths. Instead of centering our religion on specific beliefs, we gather around shared moral values that include the inherent worth and dignity of every person."

Rob 5-31-2007 @ 2:03PM

My wife and I had to deal with exactly this same issue with our one-month old daughter. Not being religious, having a baptism felt sort of disingenuous. We are choosing to let her make that decision for herself someday, when she is older.

Stephanie 5-31-2007 @ 2:23PM

We went through something similar with the birth of our son three years ago. We were both raised Catholic, but neither attended church as adults. While we both believe in God, following an organized religion is not for us. When our son was born we were under huge pressure from my husband's family to have him baptized in a Catholic Church. We could not find a church that would baptize him without us being members of that church. So we joined the church and felt like such deceitful liars for joining only so our son could be baptized to please the family. We never went back afterwards. Now we are expecting our second child and we are facing the same dilemma. If it were up to me we would not have either child baptize and let them choose for themselves as adults. Yet I don't want them to face of life of not being accepted by my husbands very Catholic family. They simply do not understand how we feel and I don't see how they ever will. I struggle with keeping up this charade and feel it is probably the most un-Christian thing we can do by lying and having our children baptized for the wrong reasons.

Nancy Toby 5-31-2007 @ 2:38PM

It would probably be easier and more effective to give him a lucky rabbit's foot or a 4-leaf clover.

From my perspective, it's nothing more and nothing less than a superstitious ritual. Perhaps a very common one in North America, but superstitious ritual nonetheless.

It's no ticket to heaven, I feel certain of that.

Groovymarlin 5-31-2007 @ 3:07PM

I second the recommendation for UUA. I think you should find your local Unitarian church and join. You'll love it! There are lots of "spiritual but not sure about the religious thing" people in UUA. We used to attend one and it was fabulous (just haven't found another congregation where we live now). I met folks of all persuasions there: Christians, Buddhists, Humanists (Atheists), Agnostics, Jews, and what have you. Everyone was so nice. The pastor was a wonderful man who gave inspirational and thought-provoking "talks" (I can't quite call them sermons) that didn't make me feel like religion was being forced down my throat. There is room for everyone in UUA, and you can have a lovely dedication ceremony for your baby. Look into it, seriously, and good luck with whatever you decide to do. And congratulations!

Amy 5-31-2007 @ 3:44PM

I would recommend looking in the Bible to see what baptism is and what it means. If you're not sure what it spiritually means, then why do it. There's a great website: www.biblegateway.com where you can type in a key word (like "baptism" or "baptize") and it will give you the verses that mention those words in the Bible. I think the "NIV" or New International version of the Bible is easy to understand.

Jill 5-31-2007 @ 3:43PM

At our Unitarian congregation the children are "welcomed" with waters touched on their foreheads, for great thoughts; on their hands, for good deeds, and on their lips, for good words. The waters are brought to our church on the first fall service, gathered from around the world on our vacations and sometimes from our own taps. They are boiled and sterile before used as "holy water".

The hope is not that they will believe a set of rules about God/life/spirituality that someone else has written and taught, but that they will use their own life to decide for themselves what they believe.

Nicole 5-31-2007 @ 3:46PM

I guess I am curious as to why you'd want to have him baptized. Infant baptism as presented in most Catholic and Protestant churches who practice infant baptistm is typically viewed as a committment to raising yoru child in a particular faith and is a pledge by a particular church body to be committed to nurturing and raising that child. Although there are many churches that do not take this vow seriously, or who do not follow through with their end of the deal... Although I am a Christian, of the more evangelical type that doesn't practice infant baptism, but if I were to do that for my children I would want it to be a meaningful committment on the part of myself, my husband, and the church where my child was baptized. Otherwise, I don't believe there's some magical protective mojo offered by baptism, it's simply a public symbol of one's committment to raising their child in the Christian faith. Or in the case of adult baptism, it's a sign of one's own personal choice to pursue a life of faith.

So, if you want to make that committment, by all means have yoru son baptized. But if that's not a committment you feel is in the best interest of your son, then the ritual would essentially be meaningless in my view.

Clarissa 5-31-2007 @ 4:03PM

Instead of baptizing your child why not have a dedication. It might be more appropriate for your family considering you are not a religious person.

Look up Baby Dedication on the net....hope this helps!

maria 5-31-2007 @ 4:37PM

Hmmm - I'm a church going Catholic - but not a conservative one if that makes sense. I guess I don't see how baptism gives your child a foundation in religion - this is not meant to sound mean - but it seems to me like giving an infant an book without teaching him to read and calling it a foundation in education.

My kids are baptized - my heart kid was baptized in the hospital - it's important to me. But most Christian religions that I'm aware of will baptize adults if they choose to join the faith and personally I don't think it's a requirement to get into heaven (maybe that makes me not a real Catholic) b/c I think it has more to do w/what you do w/your life rather than the rituals (altho the rituals are important to me).

If what you're seeking is to give you child a foundation - I think the most important thing you can do is be honest, live your values and be open to religious exploration.

Nancy Toby 5-31-2007 @ 5:26PM

I think the Wikipedia entry on "infant baptism" actually sums up a lot of different areas of controversy and conflicting religious opinion quite well:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infant_baptism

rebecca Biernesser 5-31-2007 @ 5:30PM

I was raised baptist and children/adults were baptist when they accepted Christ and all that.

I would have to agree with a lot of other posters, unless you are willing to make a committment to raise your child in whatever faith you choose to believe in, don't do anything in regrads to baptisms. Allow yourself to teach what you believe and then allow your child to make his decision when he is older. It would mean more to him that way.

If you are wanting to do it b/c you want to name godparents or something, then hold a cermoney for that.

Amanda 6-01-2007 @ 9:38PM

For the first part of my life, I was raised a Baptist. Babies are dedicated, in a ceremony in which the parents and the church pledge to raise the children in a Christian environment and to nurture their growth in the religion. I am now a Methodist, and my oldest was baptized in our church at about 8 months old. Methodists also make a commitment to raise the child in the Church and to nurture their faith. I do not believe that baptism is the ticket to salvation, but is rather a symbol of the child "belonging" to the church and of the covenant the church makes to support the child religiously. Once the person becomes of an accountable age, their personal relationship with God is what determines their religion/salvation, I think.

As a practicing Christian, I think you should feel free to baptize your child if you so please. However, I also see little point in it if you aren't going to raise your child as a Christian of whatever domination of your choosing. If your desire is to let the child decide at an appropriate age what he/she believes, then he/she should decide at that age whether or not to be baptized, since it really has little to do (in my eyes) with salvation.

SKL 5-31-2007 @ 8:05PM

I can see only three possible reasons to baptize a baby:

1) The parents are committing to raising the baby in the Christian religion, and want to celebrate / formalize this commitment.

2) The parents believe that "he who is not baptized shall be damned" (which by the way is NOT a Biblical quote) - or that this MIGHT be true - and are afraid to wait until the baby is old enough to decide for himself, in case he doesn't live long enough.

3) The parents are afraid of their parents' wrath if they don't do it.

If you don't fall into any of these categories, or aren't sure, you should really examine the reasons why you are considering this. I don't understand why you'd want to formalize a commitment for your child that you don't believe in yourself. That would be harder to explain later than the reason why you decided to leave it up to the child.

That said, I don't think you technically need a cleric or other official to do a baptism. I think you could do it yourself. This may be against the rules of some denominations but if you aren't a member of any, what's to stop you from doing it yourself? Other than the fact that your parents will still get on your case . . . .