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Men afraid of being labeled as pedophiles
Filed under: Health & Safety: Babies, In The News
A poll conducted by a NCH, a children's charity, and volunteer group Chance UK, has identified what they believe is the reason so many charities are struggling to recruit men to work with children. Turns out, many men are afraid of being labeled as pedophiles.
In addition, the required criminal check that both men and women volunteers must undergo was also found to be a major deterrent.
There were other reasons men didn't volunteer, such as work commitments and lack of time, but one in five cited the criminal check and fears of being seen as a pedophile as excuses for not getting involved.
This is bad news for kids who are in need of positive male role models. "Many children, especially boys, are desperately in need of a male mentor, which is why we urgently need men to come forward despite any fears they may have about public perception," said Clare Tickell, chief executive of NCH.
Pedophiles often do place themselves in children's lives by volunteering to work with them. It would appear that these pedophiles have done more than damage the children they have abused; they have scared off other men who truly could be positive role models for children. As a woman, this is something I've never had to deal with. What about you men? Are you hesitant to get involved for fear of being labeled a pedophile?
In addition, the required criminal check that both men and women volunteers must undergo was also found to be a major deterrent.
There were other reasons men didn't volunteer, such as work commitments and lack of time, but one in five cited the criminal check and fears of being seen as a pedophile as excuses for not getting involved.
This is bad news for kids who are in need of positive male role models. "Many children, especially boys, are desperately in need of a male mentor, which is why we urgently need men to come forward despite any fears they may have about public perception," said Clare Tickell, chief executive of NCH.
Pedophiles often do place themselves in children's lives by volunteering to work with them. It would appear that these pedophiles have done more than damage the children they have abused; they have scared off other men who truly could be positive role models for children. As a woman, this is something I've never had to deal with. What about you men? Are you hesitant to get involved for fear of being labeled a pedophile?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 2)
6-04-2007 @ 8:53AM
Iggy said...I can relate to this story! I as a male am afraid to be around little children, I have one on the way, but up until now I have been without kids and I will be 31 this year. Just recently at a family function on my wifes side, her step mom invited some of her family to the function and I was SHOCKED when one of the little girls that had been clinging to me all day came up to me and said "My mom said I can't play with you any more cause she doesn't know what you'll do to me" I took this very hard cause for one I love kids and for some reason they love me, I am a volunteer fire fighter and always the first one to sign up to do saftey talks with the kids and just this one Instance set me back a TON, And this was Family (somewhat) so I can relate to the men that are affraid of being called paedophiles.
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6-01-2007 @ 2:28PM
Ginny said...Iggy - how awful for that mom to say that to the girl. I understand her reasoning....she didn't know you but DAMN. That's awful and I'm sorry u had to hear it.
That said, I am guilty of the same thinking. I always wonder "what's up" with a man who wants to be a g "big brother" or day care worker. I am reasonable enough to allow my children to be supervised by men tho...(They go to a Tae Kwon Do summer camp) but it's still in the back of my mind.
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6-01-2007 @ 2:36PM
rebecca Biernesser said...My dad won't go many places with my nieces b/c of what people might think. And it sucks. My dad and one niece shoot as a sport and while the family is pleased and happy about how well they do and they get to bond with each other, it stinks when we have to go along on a trip and sit bored to dealth in the hot sun.
I don't usually have a problem with my sons playing with someone's dad or older brother and different uncles, but if I'm around someone I get a certain vibe about, I tell my son's to stay away. I would rather be safe then sorry.
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6-01-2007 @ 4:11PM
Ethel said...Fear of criminal checks is a damn sorry excuse for not volunteering! They have to be there and the women undergo them as well. Transparency is the best option for all of us when it comes to children, and if you have nothing to hide then I am pretty sure you wouldn't be scared.
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6-01-2007 @ 4:30PM
Ann Adams said...It wouldn't be just the criminal checks. I know several teachers who fear even an innocent hug from a child can be misconstrued.
I do believe men may be afraid because of the profiling. Also, many people sail through the criminal checks - they've never been reported or caught.
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6-01-2007 @ 5:23PM
NV said...I used to coach girls' soccer with my fiancee (now wife). I stopped because one of the girls (all of 8 years old) said:
"I don't have to listen to you. I can get you in trouble just by telling people you touched me."
Now that I have a child of my own, I have no idea how I'm going to be involved when he wants to do sports or other activities.
I already got odd looks on the playground the year I was a stay-at-home dad and carting him around with me all the time.
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6-01-2007 @ 7:29PM
SKL said...As a woman, even I am wary of what people will think. Since I was young, I have often gone for long walks and stopped at parks / playgrounds to rest and watch the kids play. Nowadays I feel less comfortable doing that because people look at me like, what right do I have to be sitting there looking at other people's kids? Am I some kind of pervert? So if I see relatively isolated kids playing somewhere, I move on rather than hang out around them. I think our society's worrying about sickos has made us all a little sick.
On the other hand, there truly are a lot of weirdos out there and after they strike, the damage can't be undone. I think it's important to keep kids from going alone (or, for little ones, even in twos) to non-public places where they might have unsupervised contact with adults who haven't been cleared by parents / background checks / whatever. However, I don't see any danger in having adults and kids mix freely in a public or well-supervised situation. If a kid is hanging around an adult a lot, I think the parent should probably go strike up a conversation with that adult to see what kind of vibes he gives off. I do think you can usually sense if an adult has an unhealthy kind of affection for a child.
It would be nice if parents would think of a way to set rules for their children without making frightening or offensive statements. Like, "I'm not allowed to go into anyone's house / backyard without my parent." Period. There is no need to tell a child that somebody might "do something" to her.
And if some kid comments to a man about her power to accuse him of "touching" her or whatever, I think the man should ask a trusted woman (e.g., his wife) to go tell such child's parents about this statement. It seems a rather unhealthy thought for a child to be thinking, on so many levels.
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6-01-2007 @ 7:46PM
Mercy said...SKL, the sad thing is that she probably learned that little gem from her parents.
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6-01-2007 @ 8:55PM
Sandyone said..."need men to come forward despite any fears they may have about public perception"
Public perception has less to do with it than an actual accusation. My husband was considering teaching as a second career, but he won't do it in this climate. Too bad for the kids, because he'd be really good for them.
I'm hesitant to do any volunteering that requires a background check. I'm so clean that I almost squeak, but I simply don't like the idea of being investigated.
My kids don't spend any time alone with any man except for their father. I don't tell them why and we don't make a big deal of it. That girl's mom is an idiot for giving that reason to her daughter. You don't tell little kids that they never know what someone will do to them. Stupid.
Men, you should know that you are suspect by virtue of your gender. The vast majority of pedophiles are men. Don't take it personally and make sure that nothing you do can be misconstrued. Don't play tickle games. Don't ever close a door when you're alone with a child. Be careful where you touch a child.
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6-01-2007 @ 9:34PM
pbhj said...>>> "Don't take it personally and make sure that nothing you do can be misconstrued."
Why not take it personally? You're basically telling us were all suspected pedophiles and shouldn't ever be around children - anything can be misconstrued.
>>> "Don't play tickle games."
Yeah and don't grab someone to stop them falling and don't hug a crying child and don't touch a childs leg to put a plaster on it ...
You are right wrt doors however, but if I'm in a lift and a child (or a single female for that matter) gets in I'm not going to get out until it's my stop.
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6-01-2007 @ 9:36PM
pbhj said...I'm a man. What's worse - I have a beard (for some reason people are suspicious of men who are, well men and not trying to look pretty ... but that's a whole other post).
Two quick stories.
One: about 2 weeks ago I was walking through town with my lad J (nearly 2 years old). I saw a boy on his own outside a shop - he was about J's age, perhaps 2-and-a-half. Ordinarily I'd stop and talk to him ask where his Mum was ... but I hesitated because I felt someone would think it inappropriate for me to approach the child. Instead I stood about 10metres away and watched to make sure he was OK. His Mum came out of the shop, screeched at him for running off; then looked up gave me an evil "what the hell are you doing there" stare and went in the shop. She was clearly suspicious of me despite me being with a toddler.
Two: Since I was 18 (now 31) I've been a children's worker, first as a scout leader (cubs, age 7-11) more recently as a church group leader. One time walking up a mountain with the cubs (I was about 23, cub about 8) a cub spontaneously held my hand. It was such a touching moment for me - to me it meant acceptance and trust. To a member of the general public seeing a scout leader holding one of their charges hands would mean a suspicion of abuse.
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6-03-2007 @ 12:17AM
anon said...I too am female and worry about being thought of as a pedophile. If I am behind a parent and child in the check out line, I smile at the child and sometimes, depending on the child's age, will ask the child about "who's on his shirt" or something of the sort.
I work with kids, and while a hug doesn't bother me (I do the one arm hug to kids while at work) there are some things that make me wonder what other people think about me when I do them. Like helping kids across the monkey bars, picking kids up, helping them down the fire man's pole, those are just some examples.
It is really sad we worry that other people are getting the wrong impression when we are just trying to help kids grow up to be good individuals.
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6-02-2007 @ 2:46AM
Lt said...For people who are friendly to other people's children in public, here's a tip: Please don't ask our children what their names are! It drives me crazy. People ask my 3 year old what his name is all the time. Granted, I'm right there - but it makes the whole "don't talk to strangers" thing more comfusing than it needs to be. We (my husband and I) teach our kids that if Mommy or Daddy is with you, it's okay to chat with people we meet along the way. If we're not with you - it's not okay. Still...the whole "whats your name" thing bugs the hell out of me.
Back to the original subject, sort of.....
I will be requesting that my 5 year old son be placed with the female teacher when he starts kindgergarten this fall rather than with the male teacher. My husband totally agrees. Sorry guys. The bad ones have ruined the pot.
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6-02-2007 @ 10:04AM
Sandyone said...pbhj, I say don't take it personally because it *isn't* personal. It is a fear based completely on your gender. It has nothing do do with what you have or haven't done.
No, you shouldn't hug a child unless you have a relationship with both the child and the parents that warrants hugging. Even then, you should be careful. There *is* a way to give a chaste hug.
Grabbing a child from a dangerous situation is highly unlikely to result in any type of accusation. I never wrap my arms or body around my kids when applying a plaster (band-aid). I just stick the thing on.
Men need to be careful, not defensive.
I think you're over-reacting. These are all precautions that any guy should take when dealing with any female. Any female should take the same precautions with men. Just extrapolate downwards with children. Men and women have been doing this for generations. You avoid the appearance of impropriety. It's not that difficult and it's of utmost importance.
Hopefully, the woman who gave you that look realized that she'd left her kid out where you *could* have grabbed him.
I feel a little sorry for men over this, but there are plenty of ways to overcome the fear by acting responsibly.
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6-02-2007 @ 10:58AM
Miss said...Lt, I don't get what you're saying about asking kids their names. Is it just annoying, or is it a safety issue? Sorry, I'm just confused.
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6-02-2007 @ 11:22AM
LS said...Unbelievable. This post is making me sick. 'Sorry, we suspect you're a pedophile JUST BECAUSE you're a man?' 'shouldn't hug a child unless you have a relationship with the child and the parent that warrants hugging?' What the??????
I've worked with kids of all ages. Do you have any idea how many toddler-age kids will spontaneously hug you? What are you supposed to do? "Sorry, honey, you can't hug me because I'm a man, and that means that I am evil"?
Give me a break. Does anyone else think that this is just sick? We're letting the bad guys run - and ruin - our lives and our children's lives!
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6-02-2007 @ 11:31AM
PLL said...LS face it. You feel the same way about your kids, you just don't like to admit it. There aren't just a sprinkling of bad guys, there are a lot. A LOT! Parents have to be prudent and realize this, or they are putting there kids in harm's way.
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6-02-2007 @ 11:50AM
sandyone said...No, LS. It's "Sorry we suspect that you *might* be a pedophile JUST BECAUSE you're a man." I watch my children carefully around dogs, too. Because they are animals and have teeth, they *might* bite. If I see a dog who is mildly out of control, I won't let my kids go near it. The owner, if he doesn't want people to misinterpret his dog, should make sure his dog acts in accordance with the image the owner wants to project. Same thing with people.
I hang out with a lot of toddlers and they are definitely not commonly spontaneous huggers.
A man is supposed to give a chaste hug back. This can be one armed, it can be two armed, it can be a head rub, it can be a back pat, it can be a high five. Do I have to spell out that the man's waist area should never be near the child? If the man wants to avoid false accusations or misinterpretations of his actions, he should be very sure that his actions are obviously what they are meant to be.
Yes, the bad guys often run and ruin the lives of the rest of us. That is a hard truth of life.
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6-02-2007 @ 11:46AM
LS said...PLL... no, I do NOT feel the same way. If I see a man near my son, I do not immediately put myself between the two. I do not immediately suspect that the guy walking past the playground is a pedophile scoping out his next victim. I do not discourage my son from talking to the old man in the supermarket who says "hi" to him.
I watch my son, yes - he's 3 1/2. I'd be a poor and neglectful parent if I didn't. But I don't lock him in the basement and jump at shadows. Are there Bad Guys in the world? Yes. But are there more Good Guys than Bad Guys? Yes. If I didn't believe that in the very core of my soul, I would be a very, very angry and depressed person.
I feel sad for all those in the world who view their neighbors as suspects first, friends second.
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6-02-2007 @ 12:00PM
LS said...You've never been at a playground with a bunch of kids, working with them, showing them cool rocks and bugs and stuff, and one of them gives you a hug? Come on. Either you're denying something, or you haven't been around kids much.
As for "the man's waist area should never be near the child" bit... so... let me get this straight... the guy is squatting down, teaching the child something, and his legs are spread apart so he doesn't fall over. A child gets near him, so now he has to stand up and bend over, lest his waist get near that child... OH DEAR!!! His waist is near the child!!! EGADS!!! HIS PANTS MIGHT SPONTANEOUSLY FALL OFF!!! please.
I get not having an unfamiliar man in a room, unsupervised, with a child. I understand teaching a child about "bad touching". I understand that, as parents, we need to be careful. But this level of paranoia is just crazy. It's this kind of paranoia that causes good teachers to have their reputations ruined because of a rumor. It's this level of paranoia that causes good organizations like the Boy Scouts and Little League to have serious problems finding leaders.
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