Daycare dilemma: Should I stay or should I go?

All I can tell you is that this, like everything else about parenthood, will change. I felt exactly the same way at three (and six) months. But now that she's 14 months, and interacts with other people so much more, I feel completely different. I would be fine putting her in daycare now.
So don't think you have to make a forever decision now. Make a decision that will work for the next year and then re-evaluate.

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I went back to work after 13 weeks, because I had to. We spend three miserable months trying to arrange schedules, day care pick ups, etc. before we decided it just wasn't worth it and we needed to change a few things. So we sold our big house and bought a condo. We sold my newer SUV and bought a commuter car for me to drive to work. My husband ended up quitting his job all together, and has been an amazing stay at home dad since Margot was 6 months old.

It has been hard and the adjustment wasn't easy, but now with Margot 2 years old, I am so thankful we did. It has worked out to be best for us. We were in a situation where all of our family lived hours away, so we had to pay for every cent of daycare used. I think it has been good for our daughter and our relationship having one of us at home, and relieved many of the stresses we felt about daycare.

That being said, the daycare experience Margot had was GREAT. The center she attended was wonderful, and really listened to us. They let the infants sleep on demand, eat on demand, and had a very large clean area for the little ones to roam. The infant room only had eight babies, and four employees. They took great care of our daughter and I would not hesitate to take her back if needed.

If you do choose daycare, don't feel guilty. Don't feel like you are a bad parent, or don't care about your kids. That is NOT TRUE! Many people will probably give you the sideways glance and even be so bold to tell you that it is a mistake. You need to do what is best for you and your family. I wish it were an easier decision to make, but hopefully others experiences will help.... Good luck!!

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It should be your choice but before you decide, be sure you know how much you'll actually be clearing if you do go back.

You'll have daycare, probably some kind of commute, different clothing with more expense, lunches, and if you're not at home, you'll probably be spending more on groceries.

Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's not.

I worked most of my adult life because I had to but sometimes I looked at what I had left over and wondered where the rest of the paycheck went.

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I would suggest that if you do opt for daycare - choose a "NAEYC" accredited center as opposed to a home daycare. You never *really* know what goes on in there (home daycares) when you aren't around. An accredited center that you feel good about would be great. He may even makes some little friends, and have a really wonderful experience.

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When our first son came along, we knew we didn't have much of a choice. Of course I'd have to go back to work and put Ben in daycare. So, after six weeks of maternity leave, we started leaving Ben at daycare everyday. We had a lot of debt.

When we started talking about having a second baby, we knew that I'd have to quit my job to stay home with the kids. Two kids in daycare would be almost 90 percent of my income. Luckily, we're in a more stable place financially right now. We have about two grand in outstanding debt we need to clear this summer, but by fall, we should be ready for me to quit a couple months before our new little baby is born.

To get to this point? I learned how to cook cheap, healthy meals. That's saving us at least two hundred bucks a month. We also have a savings account. Ten percent of our paychecks get put away automatically every two weeks. We're able to pay off our debt quicker that way. After a couple pay periods, we usually have saved enough to pay off a big chunk of debt.

As far as the emotions go... it was never easy to leave Ben at daycare. I'd cry in the car many mornings. It helped that Ben never seemed to mind. He never cried when I left him, and he loved all the toys and kids. I'd also go there on my lunch breaks a couple times a week to hold him and visit with his teachers.

It will break your heart a little each time to leave your baby with someone else, but it won't be the end of the world, and you'll stay bonded with your baby. And if it doesn't work out, if the pain is too much, if the worry gets too overwhelming, then make the decision to quit.

PS. As far as the "firsts" go, our daycare had a policy not to tell the parents when the "firsts" happen for them. So when we saw Ben's milestones for the first time was our "firsts".

Cheryl at http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com

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I faced this same decision. I took six months off and then had to decide whether to go back to work. I looked at several daycare centers, but the thought of leaving him there broke my heart. But, you have to think about if you take a year off now, or two or three, can you get your old job back or something comparable, or will you be stuck starting again at the bottom? I decided to go back to my job because I had already been there for four years and "paid my dues" so to speak. This allowed me to have much more freedom and flexibility, and not feel like I had to put in "face time" since I was the new person, and that makes a really big difference. Instead of having people watch my every move while I prove myself in a new job, I am able to take an afternoon off, or slip out for a couple hours, much more easily. Not to mention I did not get a salary hit for taking off a year or two.

For daycare, we decided to hire a nanny for the first year. We found a terrific woman who he loved and took great care of him and she and I were in constant contact throughout the day. The nanny was very expensive, and cost most of my salary, but we knew it would only be for a year so it was worth it. When he was 18 months, we put him into a great daycare and, though the transition was a little difficult at first, he came to love it. He still does! We could probably get by on my husband's salary if we moved out of the city (far, far out of it) and scaled back our lifestyles to the bare essentials. (Not that we lead luxurious lives now.) But I actually enjoy my job (well, most of the time anyway), I value the independence and security it affords, and the opportunities it allows and will allow for my family and my son. That's not to say that its not really challenging and that I don't have my moments of doubt. . . . It is a really hard decision (and a decision that we should not be compelled to make -- part time work or working from home SHOULD be options for everyone, men and women; it really unfair that they would not even consider trying such options!) but I feel lucky to have found something that worked and works for us! Good luck!

PS--When thinking about whether working is "worth it" solely in financial terms, keep in mind that daycare is very expensive when they are little, but it gets less expensive as the years go by, especially when they start school and you only need afterschool care. So while the "cost" of working may take up most or all of your paycheck for at first, it starts to take up less and less of it as the years go by, especially since your salary potential will presumably continue to increase as you gain more experience and superiority. If you take time off, chances are your salary will be lower then where it left off, and much lower than where it would have been had you not taken time off. (If you have the kind of job where you really can take off a few years and get right back in where you left off, you are lucky!)

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I stayed home with my older three til they were all in school. My husband and I decided it was best for us. We lived in a small house and had to reall budget. we ate a lot of chicken and hamburgrhelper. when our baby was 9 i went to work at a hospital, my life long desire. After 5 years of driving 60 miles round trip 5 days a week, we became pregnant again. what a wonderful suprise. our oldest son graduated highschool, our middle son got his drivers linces and our baby girl turned 14 the year our suprise came. I haven't worked outside the home since. God has been wonderful in supplying all our needs.My husband has been premoted twice since the babby and the older three are grown and out living their own lives. For me being a mom is the most important job there is.I understand that some moms don't have a choice and my prayers go out for them. I also know that some a blessed to find wonderful day care centers. But for my family, they are my joy and my job. good luck in your decision and pray for God to give you peace in your decision. I feel if you and your husband find peace in your choice then you made the right one for you and your family.

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I felt the same way when I found out I was pregnant. I couldnt see myself NOT going back to work. Actually at that time I finally had my career going. I was making really good money and had really good benefits. Then she was born.

I have to admit that I am selfish. Sharing my body with her for 38 LONG weeks was hard. Sharing my body for the 8 months she nursed was HARD. Giving up my career was difficult, as was giving up my car, my own paycheck and "me"
But when she looked up at me and I realized that she was going to be my ONLY child and that I had waited forever to finally have her... well. I went to my office and cleaned out the rest of my stuff. I have been a SAHM for nearly 5 years now.

It hasnt been easy. I have tried working from home, working nights, I had my own home daycare license(and yes I do take offense at the suggestion that HDC are not as good/safe as centers. But I guess it depends on you and your area) We have had to cut back on a lot of things we could have done if I had gone back to work ie dining out, movies, clothing for us. But that happens when you become a parent anyway. At least it should. Being a parent is THE most important job in the world after all.

Whatever you decide it has to be what is best for YOU and YOUR family. Not your neighbor, a co worker, in law or stranger.

Good Luck. It isnt a easy decision to be sure

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I stayed home after the birth of my daughter. It had been made painfully clear that there would be no part-time option, both to me and one of my colleagues - although a third one was offered that option and still works that schedule. So you can see the unfairness of where I was, which was in great part why I decided to leave. For me, the negative attitude of my bosses throughout my pregnancy, the fact that it was going to cost so much to leave our daughter in someone else's care and the fact that my husband and I felt strongly that WE wanted to be the ones to raise her and not have a stranger with her the bulk of the time, made it an easy decision emotionally. It was not easy cutting our income in half literally, and we are taking a tad longer to get our debt down than we'd like. But we are doing okay, and for me it has been the perfect opportunity to pursue my first love, writing, via my blog(s).

It is not easy. I worked in NYC too and I miss the interaction and the bustle, especially in summer. I am poorer financially, but happier on so many other fronts, and hopefully my own gig will eventually turn a profit.

After my daughter's birth I didn't write diddly for 2 years, I was just being a mom. Then I realized I needed to get my brain going again. How and when you'll want to do that is up to you. Sounds as though financially you could make the leap, so make the choice that you feel fits you emotionally - and don't let any other mothers make you feel you've chosen incorrectly, no matter WHAT you decide. (I hate moms who don't support different decisions but feel - and voice - superiority because THEY'RE back in the workforce or THEY chose to stay at home with baby. There's no right or wrong except what's right or wrong for YOU.)

Keep us posted!

http://www.childofleisure.com
The Luxury Family Vacation Blog

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I had the opportunity to have the "best of both worlds."

Our daughter was a definite surprise. Financially, I couldn't NOT work. When I was pregnant my husband was in school FT and working FT. I was working PT as a youth minister for a church.
After my daughter was born and an 8-week leave, I went back to work... with her there with me. My office was like a living room--complete with TV, couches, etc. with a desk, etc. in the corner. I had a Pack N Play and a bouncer seat in my office, and 18 out of 20 hours a week I brought her with me. I would nurse her, she'd fall asleep, and I'd work. As she got older, it got MUCH harder. She was active, wanted to be played with... but I had work to do! Still, I tried to juggle. And when our savings ran out I got a 2nd job where I could also take her with me--working a few nights a week at our gym's childcare.

When the youth ministry position became FT (DD was 9 months old) I turned it down. The cost of daycare was too much and they weren't paying me enough, so I picked up some more hours at the childcare and I also got a job working in a leasing office. It was 8 hours a week and I got to make my own hours.

Still, the juggle of all of this was SO EXHAUSTING. We said when DD turned 2 I'd go back to work FT and put her in daycare. On her 2nd birthday I interviewed for the job I'm working in now as a proofreader.

For us, the way we did things was HARD but I don't regret it. Those first two years being able to work (we live in So Cal where it's a lot like NY--VERY expensive and hard to live on 1 income) and still be with her were so important to me.

We're not ready for #2 yet, especially because we know it would mean me having to decide what to do about returning to work or staying home.

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leian-- to clarify, people who put their children in daycare ARE still raising their children. I'm with my daughter in the morning and at night and on the weekends. I bathe her, I deal with the nights when she's up every few hours, I'm the one who is there with her when she is sick...

Sorry I just had to clarify that one. A lot of people opt out of daycare because they say they "don't want someone else to raise their child." In the end YOU are still the parent, not them. I've never heard of a child calling a daycare provider "mommy" and "daddy."

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I've been fortunate enough to work at home the entire time. It definitely doesn't work for everyone, but if it's for you, great.

I started out as a medical transcriptionist. You can learn more about that field at http://www.medicaltranscriptionbasics.com and decide if it is for you. It was hard work, but allowed me to be at home.

But I don't do it anymore. It's still an option if I need it, but I have a lot more fun with my home business now, as it allows for more creativity. Once again, definitely not for everyone.

The Internet has opened up all kinds of possibilities for working at home. In most cases it's going to take some time to really get things moving, but the potential is there. But you have to decide if it's the right thing for you.

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Good luck with your decision. If you do stay home and it just doesn't work for you, you can always change your mind and go back. Nothing, at this stage, is set in stone. Some women struggle to retain a sense of independence and autonomy while staying home, while others don't; it's just different for everyone.

Just a note from my own experience: my daughter absolutely thrived in her very wonderful daycare center.

Some additional questions you might ask yourself, if you haven't already: just how good does working make you feel? How much do you look forward to going to work? If you were to leave, what would you miss? Would the financial strain be so great with one income that it might stress your partnership with your husband? And what kind of goals do you and your husband have for retirement? If you left, is there any volunteer work or hobbies you'd want to do, to keep yourself stimulated?

Whatever you decide, remember that a happy and well-rounded parent typically does the best job. And once again, best of luck to you and your family!

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There must be something wrong with me. My sweet darling is 2, and I love her dearly, but sometimes I'm glad to go back to work on Monday morning.

She has wonderful caregivers and I think she actually looks forward to seeing the other kids since she's an only child. She has a great time.

I think most daycares (and smart nannies) have an unwritten policy not to tell the parents when they witness the first step, etc. Mine told me -- "She almost walked today! I'll bet if you work with her tonight, she will take her first steps!" I had a feeling she had already walked for them, but they didn't want to take that "first" from me. For me, the biggest "first" was when she was finally able to crawl to me and put her hand in mine. She was so proud and happy, I really think that was a true first.

The hardest part is what to do when she is too sick to go to daycare. They do pick up a lot of germs from the other kids. She got RSV at 8 weeks but came thru it like a champ. If you can put off going back to work until she's a few months old, maybe that is for the best. I didn't have that option.

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I had plans of stayin ghome with my youngest, but we started a business and my husband got sick, so I had to take the reigns. Now he is better we both work, but got rid of the business. It was too much. Too much for me to do by myself and run a family and take care of a sick husband and two kids. So I had to go back to work. At that point I was looking forward to going back to work. I was burnt out on my day to day. I feel guilty sometimes, I miss my babies now. (though babies they are not) I have to just feel blessed that my husband is now better. I think that if I had the option I would work and have him become an at home Dad. Not that he is better with the kids, or that I don't want to be there, but becuase I would feel like I could rest easy at work about the happenings in my childrens day. What else can you ask for.

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When we adopted our son, we had 3 months off from work to bond with him (he was 6 months old at the time), so at 9 months he was ready for daycare. One of the great bonuses of daycare is the amount of interaction he gets with children close to his age. We don't have many friends with kids in our life, but such is gay parenting right now.

If you are having a kid and don't really have any other children in your life (via sibs, friends, family) your kid may (very big "may") not socialize so well. We have friends who adopted and one of the dads stays home. Thier kid didn't have much contact with other children for a good year or so. He's a great kid, but very timid around other kids and has to be coaxed to play with them. Something I am sure most kids grow out of eventually by the time they reach grade school.

Just something to consider. I'd love to stay at home, but the daycare is turning out to be a good trade-off.

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When I had my DD I had to work, my husband and I weren't married yet and he was deployed, so I left her with a trusted friend every day. As it was I wasn't ready to leave her until she was 12 weeks old. I just couldn't bear it, and I ws lucky that my job was so understanding about it. When we finally got married and moved away from my friends and family I checked out the local day care and started to cry. I didn't want her (then about 6 months old) being taken care of by complete strangers, and I decided to work night shift. DH worked during the day, and I left at dinner time and worked until very early in the morning. I was exhausted, but I kept it up, taking are of her during the day and working at night until I was 3 months pregnant with DS. DD was probably about 9 or 10 months old at that time, and I was just Too Tired to be up all day and work all night while I was pregnant. I decided to just stay home, and I have been home for a year and a half now. I like it. I found that I can get out of the house in many other ways without committing to a paid position. I volunteer two nights a week, and I've been able to make friends that way. It's not extra income, but we're able to make it work. We grocery shop only once a month at a discount store and we "get creative" with what we have when we're nearing the end of the month. We don't eat out very often, and we use our tax returns to pay large portions of car payments and old college loans. We qualify to use the free food bank at our church, and we do that every month. I also get new and gently used clothing for the kids at resale shops and yard sales. You wouldn't believe the amount of clothing with tags still on them, never been worn or even washed! Sometimes you have to get creative to live the life you want. You'd have to be equally creative to work a work schedule around child care drop offs and school trips and sick children. It's a toss up. Each parent needs to decide what works for them and their family, and then make it happen. You can make any lifestyle work if you just think hard enough!

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NAFCC is a family child care accreditation; there is also the CDA.

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Being home w/babies was really hard for me and even now that they're older (3, 5, 7) many is the Monday (esp after a long weekend or a vacation) that I can't wait to get to my desk and have an hour of peace and quiet. I love my kids - I really do - and I can't wait to get to them at the end of the day - but working keeps me balanced.

I took 14 weeks w/#1, 9 mos w/#2 (health issues) and 14 weeks w/#3. The 9 mos w/#2 when I had a sickly infant and an active 2 year old drove home my need to go to the office every day. I couldn't wait to drop him off at day care and escape for a while. That said - between #1 and #2 I changed to a job I really love and I work w/good people who appreciate me and give me the flexibililty I need to do my job and take care of my family. If I didn't have that then I would be at home.

My kids are in an accredited day care center in my building. We are more comfortable w/that than a nanny or home center b/c we feel like there are more checks this way - this is what we're comfortable with.

This fall when I have 2 in elem and 1 in day care I hope to cut back so that 2 days a week I can be home to meet the bus. I always said I wanted to go to part time when the kids went to school.

You've heard that you won't know what you want til you're there. I have another piece of advice - give any choice you make a sufficient chance to work out. Don't give up if it doesn't work at first. W/my boys I really second guessed whether I was being selfish by working. Day care was an adjustment - but once we got through the adjustment phase it all worked out.

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My husband and I had to accept that if I was to stay home with our daughter (and now my son who will arrive later this year) we would have to make certain sacrifices - and living in San Francisco, much like in New York - those have been mostly financial sacrifices. Buying a SF flat will have to wit till I go back to working (which I do not plan to do till my son is in kindergarten - so almost 6 years from now) and we now rent a 2 bedroom flat which is in a great child friendly neighborhood but lacks that extra room we desire and an outside space. I am also very unsure of what work I will return to after over 7 years of being a mom.

But in the end we decided that this was what we wanted, and I do not regret it for a moment. I also understand how lucky I am to be able to make this choice at all - many families do not have that luxury. You need to decide what is most important to you and follow that feeling. Don't feel bad about whatever decision you make because you will be doing whatever is best for you and your family... Good luck this is not an easy choice.

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