How to halt the dreaded whining

by Kristin Darguzas (Subscribe to Kristin Darguzas's posts) Jun 30th 2007 9:01AM

Nolan is at my favourite stage yet. I know I keep saying it, but seriously this is really it: his eyes sparkle with mischief, his chubby hands still hold wisps of baby and yet he can tell me about the ball in his pockich, the fact that he is interested in a 'nack of frozen raspberries and cheese. He gives spontaneous hugs and retains all the sweetness of babyhood with the bonus of defined, amazing personality. I am smitten.

Except. I cannot stand the whining. It makes the little wisps of hair on the back of my arms stand up, it's worse than nails on a chalkboard, sneakers and fannypacks and dear god, even that awful man behind Girls Gone Wild. There is something about the tone and the pitch of a whine that makes focusing on other things totally impossible. I have tried to ignore it, attempted to divert it, and recently, I have mocked it.

My Mom tells me (in her gentle, placid way) that it is in no way reasonable for a 32-year-old woman to whine back at her not-quite-two year old in an effort to make him to stop. But yesterday when I squawked right back at Nolan after he had a violent meltdown regarding my trying to take his wet sock off, he stopped. He looked at me curiously as the tears dried on his face. And then he stopped whinging, totally, and gave me a hug.

"I know, " I told him,"It doesn't sound nice, does it? No whining, OK? Normal talking only."

I am almost ashamed to write this, because I know that smarter parents than I will give me a shopping list of reasons why adult whining does not effectively combat toddler whining. But it gave me a brief respite from the agony, and though I'll try not to use this technique again, I can't promise.

Comments (14)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Rachel May 6-30-2007 @ 10:46AM

LOL!!! I feel your pain, Kristin! I'm RIGHT there with you.

Two things that I try to do -- don't know if they will work with Nolan, but... here they are!

First, I try to choose my battles. If it looks like it will escalate into a whine-fest, I stop for a second and re-evaluate. Sometimes it's just not worth it for me (the woman who used to *always* have to be *right*).

If it is a necessary battle, I forge on, sometimes bodily forcing him to do what I need him to do, though that's getting harder now that he's hit the 40-pound mark.

If he's trying to ask me for something and he's whining, I say, very firmly, "Excuse me? I can't understand you when you're whining" and refuse to do what he's asking. Most of the time I stand completely still or stay seated if he needs me to get up. Now he recognizes The Look (one eyebrow raised with a questioning look) and almost instantly stops whining and asks politely.

It took forever to get to that point, though. There's also the age difference between him and Nolan - my son just turned three last week. But maybe you can start on Nolan earlier than I did with my son!!

{{{Sending non-whiny vibes to Nolan}}}

Jessica 6-30-2007 @ 9:57AM

I think that what you did was a great way to show him what he is doing! My daughter was a HUGE whiner and it was by mimicking her that showed her what she was doing. There is a difference of mocking him to what you were doing, which was expressing yourself in the same way. I'm sure there are other options, but sometimes you just gotta do what they do. If it's a whine on the brink of a total meltdown, sometimes I take her to the mirror so she can watch herself!

Angella 6-30-2007 @ 10:19AM

I, too, will whine to show the kids how they sound. I actually took a parenting class once that told us that the kids often don't realize what they sound like, until you show them.

My kids still whine, though... :)

Ann Adams 6-30-2007 @ 10:24AM

If that's the worst thing you ever do, I don't think you have much to worry about.

I've done it. I've also told a kid their face will freeze like that. Shame on me, I guess.

Sometimes you just have to stand your ground and get that sock off somehow. Unless of course you enjoy being tyrannized.

Karen Walrond 6-30-2007 @ 10:34AM

Normally, when Alex pulls out the whining (and I can tell she's actually really upset about something), I calmly tell her I can't understand her when she talks like a baby, and could she please talk like a big girl. (She's three.) It usually does the trick, she takes a breath, and tells me in her normal voice what's bugging her.

But when she's whining just for whining's sake? Like, "Mommy, come back here"? Hell yeah, I whine right back at her. Usually she collapses into giggles, and then stops. Whatever works, man. :o)

K.

AndreAnna 6-30-2007 @ 9:20PM

No, no!! You did great! What you did is what Dr. Harvey Karp would tell you to do in his book The Happiest Toddler on the Block. He explains that toddlers are basically neaderthals with their own language, and when you mimic them, and empathize in their own tone, they can understand you.

I swore by The Happiest Baby on the Block when my 14 month old was a newborn and now this book is saving my life.

You really should give it a read! It will help immensely with the whining.

Eva 6-30-2007 @ 8:49PM

Personally I think it's genius. And it worked!

Groovymarlin 6-30-2007 @ 12:09PM

Agreeing with AndreAnna here. It's like you already read the Karp book or something! What you're doing is perfect. I haven't read the book but watched the DVD instead. Over and over, he was able to get a toddler's attention and break through a tantrum or whining episode by adopting the toddler's tone and language, showing his empathy with said toddler, and then explaining what needed to happen. Check it out! "Happiest Toddler on the Block." Dr. Karp is awesome.

SKL 6-30-2007 @ 4:47PM

I can't stand whining either. Here are some things that have worked for me over the years:

1) "No, you aren't doing the tantrum quite right. You can do much better than that. Here, get down on the floor, thrash your arms, kick your feet . . . " By this time they are having a chuckle along with you.

2) "Cry louder, I can't hear you!" - an idea from my granny.

3) "I don't listent to whining. If you want something, ask properly."

4) "Nice singing . . . laaaa, laaaaaa . . . " Again, this will change a whine into either a giggle or a shocked stare.

leian 6-30-2007 @ 8:53PM

I don't know about books - as you know, I'm a firm believer that there are too many damn books telling parents what to do and what not to do - but I have no problem with what you did. I've done the same thing - whining at my daughter - and it has gotten her to stop and laugh. And then she will listen to me as I explain why that behavior is unattractive and unacceptable. I know if I tried to launch directly into that explanation without distracting her first I'd probably be unsuccessful. It's a great way to lighten the mood and get them to stop, and while there are times when the firmness is needed, I think that this approach every now and then - where we don't take ourselves or our kids too seriously - is great. So kudos to you!

http://www.childofleisure.com

queenoqueens 7-01-2007 @ 12:59AM

I've tried to be "the adult" and talk rationally to my child when they're doing something I don't like, such as whining. But it doesn't always work. And I don't have the patience. Sometimes you just have to get on their level. And sometimes, the less "politically correct" old school methods work best.

I've used the line "uh-oh, here's the 8th dwarf 'Whiny' again", many, many times.

Jessica 7-01-2007 @ 9:43AM

Just want to say I enjoyed reading the article. Funny...and great descriptions!

remainder 7-01-2007 @ 2:52PM

I don't have any children, but I saw an episode of Dr. Phil (I know...) in which a mom couldn't stop her toddler's fever-pitched meltdowns. So he brought in someone who works with children, and she said you need to repeatedly tell your child what he wants. They showed video of this mom trying it out: the kid wanted hot dogs for dinner and wouldn't stop whining about it, so she said "You want hot dogs for dinner. YOU want hot dogs for dinner." He stopped whining, and she was able to talk to him a little more rationally. It had something to do with letting the kid know that you understand his wants.

JJ 7-02-2007 @ 1:24PM

Whine back is something I just tried last week for my 28 month old, and it works (if he's not fully "melted" and is over stimulated), but it's a last resort thing. I've also use the "I cannot hear you when you whine" and that will either get him to go to daddy (haha daddy your turn)or stop if it's something he wants. I've started "not responding when he whiney and ask him to "Use your words not your whine" and He'll stop and ask "pic up pleaze" for example or what ever he wants with a please. Combined all 3 and I hoping for a whine free day soon!!

Now if these tactics worked for my hubby! it would be great!

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