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How much do you tell your kids?
Categories: Development
Wednesday night, I broke our family rule -- I caused us to exceed one visit to the emergency room per year. This was, in fact, our third so far this year. I was in the kitchen when the floor suddenly dropped about two feet. I gasped, thinking it was either an earthquake or that the foundation of the house had collapsed. The only thing was, the light in the kitchen, which hangs from a chain, wasn't moving and Rachel had felt nothing.The same sensation happened a couple more times and then whenever I took a step, it felt like I was on a trampoline or a boat in rough waters. Or maybe on a trampoline on a boat in rough water. It was weird enough (albeit kind of cool) that I called my doctor. He decided he wanted me to be seen tonight, just in case it was something serious.
Of course, we had just put the kids down and Rachel didn't want me driving, so we called her brother to come stay with them. Sara was -- surprisingly -- already fast asleep, but Jared was still up. I went in to let him know that we were going out and where we were going. He asked why I had to go to the E.R. and I told him I was feeling dizzy.
I know from past experience that dizziness can be a symptom of or precursor to a stroke, but I didn't want to worry him with that -- the other possibility was an ear infection. This is something he knows about, since Sara had one earlier this year. I told him his uncle was coming to take care of him and that we would be back in a little bit.
Naturally, I knew full well that the "little bit" part was an outright lie. I also didn't come completely clean on the potential seriousness of the situation. He's a growing boy and has more important things to worry about than a serious but unlikely problem like a stroke -- heck, at his age, he doesn't even need to know what a stroke is.
Sometimes, however, I worry about not being totally open and honest with him. Is it better to protect kids from having to worry about some things or should parents discuss even potential issues such as strokes and heart attacks with their kids?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Ginny 7-20-2007 @ 2:02PM
I heard there WAS an earthquake in Cali. yesterday. Are you SURE it was YOU?
At any rate, I hope they find out what's wrong and that it's nothing to worry about.
As for what I'd tell the kids? I'd have down-played it as much as possible. Older kids tho, might be able to handle something closer to the truth.
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Caelligh 7-20-2007 @ 2:04PM
I don't think there's anything wrong with actually finding out first, instead of sharing the worst-case scenario. I'm sure if you found concrete evidence of something serious, you would be honest (if perhaps optimistic).
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Ann Adams 7-20-2007 @ 3:14PM
With kids the age of your Jared, I'd downplay until I knew whether or not we had something to worry about. Probably say something like "dizzy spells are usually nothing but it's always best to make sure".
With kids my girls' age, it's different but I'd still not be overly alarmist until/unless it became necessary. I never lie about things like this but I don't volunteer more than I must.
I'll be thinking about you and hoping for the best.
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LS 7-20-2007 @ 4:26PM
There's a big difference between lying to your kids and not buying trouble.
Lying to your kids is when you say that there's nothing wrong as half your face slides off the bone.
Buying trouble is telling your kids it might be a stroke when it's a simple ear infection, or a dizzy spell from overwork or dehydration.
Better to get the facts first. After you and your wife have dealt with the reality and possible shock (especially in a serious situation like a stroke or heart attack) and decided on a plan for going forward, then you bring your kids into the loop, when you can sit down with them and calmly explain what's going on, and you're prepared to answer questions in a calm fashion.
I admire your desire to "never lie" to your kids, but I also believe in preserving a little of the innocence of childhood for them. Reality will set in soon enough. You don't need to usher it in on a silver platter.
I truly hope that it was not serious, and that you're feeling better soon.
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Jill 7-20-2007 @ 4:32PM
I agree- let older kids know the basics with no extra information about "what ifs", answering only what they ask. For younger kids, I'd only say what I had to, and fill them in with appropriate facts later. My niece is always told every possible family scenario-- we might move, she might lose her job, he might have a brain tumor-- and the poor child loses a lot of sleep over it.
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Kira 7-20-2007 @ 7:45PM
I think the truly scary stuff is on a "need to know" basis. If you HAD a stroke? They would need to know. Dizzy? Meh, wait and see what the doctor says.
The ideal of being totally open and honest with your kids is...somewhat unrealistic. It's your job to carry certain information that they don't need to hear. I mean, do you tuck them in with, "Good night, and be sure to go right to sleep, because your mother and I are really looking forward to having sex soon."? Of course not. They don't need to know that.
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caitlin 7-20-2007 @ 9:22PM
We try to be honest with our without scaring him needlessly, because kids can't really do anything about it. I think really the best thing you can do is say "Yes, I'm going the ER/doctor, and they're going to do their best to figure out what's causing it".
But I also think it's natural for kids to worry about their parents, no matter how old we get. I guess it's just a little easier as an adult, because you can channel your worry into finding a good specialist, filling out paperwork, keeping the house running, donating blood.. there's always something.
As for the sudden dizziness, my mother in law had something like that. It took a few doctor visits and tests to ferret out the cause, but it ended up being fixable. She was having problems processing some mineral, I think, and has to take a pill for it daily, but she hasn't had any problems since.
Hope your dizziness ends up being just a one time thing, and you have a swift return to good health :).
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