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Prosecuting parents for insulting each other
Filed under: Just For Moms, Just For Dads, Divorce & Custody, Activities: Babies, Sex
Australian parents had better think twice before they start sniping at each other in front of the kids. Australian courts, recognizing the emotional damage that parents hurling insults at one another can have on young children, are moving to put a stop to it. In one case, an estranged couple was ordered by a judge to cool it in front of their daughter. Apparently mom couldn't help herself and continued to insult dad within earshot of the kid. The judge considered that behavior when awarding custody and ultimately, mom lost.
According to Dianne Gibson, director of child dispute services at the Family Court, any alarm that parents might feel about this judicial interference into the private lives of parents is justified. "They may say it's just playful banter, but it's not banter from the point of view of children. Derogatory comments really do have a harmful impact."
"I think we underestimate how traumatic it is for children to be in a constant war zone, with their mother and father lobbing verbal grenades at each other," said Gibson. "We now have enough knowledge and research to know that this isn't good for kids. Parents need to back off and not slag each other off every time they see each other or when they pick up the phone."
I could not agree more. It may seem painfully obvious to many that saying things like "He never amounted to anything" about a child's father would be hurtful to that child. But I am constantly amazed at the things I hear couples say about one another in front of their children. I do get mad at my husband and sometimes Ellie is the only person around to whom I could vent. But I bite my tongue. Besides the pain these insults can cause your child, learning to control yourself is part of being an adult. If you can't do it, how can you expect your child to?
According to Dianne Gibson, director of child dispute services at the Family Court, any alarm that parents might feel about this judicial interference into the private lives of parents is justified. "They may say it's just playful banter, but it's not banter from the point of view of children. Derogatory comments really do have a harmful impact."
"I think we underestimate how traumatic it is for children to be in a constant war zone, with their mother and father lobbing verbal grenades at each other," said Gibson. "We now have enough knowledge and research to know that this isn't good for kids. Parents need to back off and not slag each other off every time they see each other or when they pick up the phone."
I could not agree more. It may seem painfully obvious to many that saying things like "He never amounted to anything" about a child's father would be hurtful to that child. But I am constantly amazed at the things I hear couples say about one another in front of their children. I do get mad at my husband and sometimes Ellie is the only person around to whom I could vent. But I bite my tongue. Besides the pain these insults can cause your child, learning to control yourself is part of being an adult. If you can't do it, how can you expect your child to?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
7-24-2007 @ 4:05PM
Amanda said...Amen sista!!! teaching kids self control is important. I refuse to allow my kids at my in-laws house because F-I-L talks to his wife and kids like they are trash! I defend myself constantly to my husband and my M-I-L by saying 'I do not want my children to grow up and let someone talk to them that way and I don't want them thinking its okay for them to talk that way either!'
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7-24-2007 @ 4:09PM
Mammacheryl said...My father was very verbally abusive to my mother throughout my childhood, and it was always a big deal to me. They never got divorced, though I would beg them to just so the fighting would stop. I hated hearing it.
Luckily, I haven't continued the cycle of abuse with my own family. I chose a husband who is NEVER abusive, and I don't badmouth him, even to my friends. I may vent about things he does, but only to my best friends. And I never use abusive words. I don't want my life to be polluted with negativity like that, and I certainly don't want my children growing up listening to that filth.
When my kids are older and start to recognize how Papa talks to Nana, we'll discuss with them privately how hurtful words like that are, and how we are kind, gentle people who would never treat another person like that. We love Papa, but we don't approve of him calling Nana all those mean names.
Cheryl at http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com
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7-25-2007 @ 1:14AM
Tamyu said...I personally think that if you insult your spouse, whether you consider it "playful banter" or not, it is a sign of a serious problem in the relationship. If you love someone, you shouldn`t feel the desire to spout insults in their direction... And if they`re doing something horrible enough to override that love, well, that is also a serious problem.
That is the one big rule in our house - never say something you may regret later. You can complain about the action, but not the person. It applies between my husband and I, and between us and our son. And really, even applies to talk of in-laws and others.
I have never even once, even in anger, called my husband any names. Not even to friends. I think it`s incredibly important to separate people and their actions. (Not that he ever does anything that upsets me, really.) If one of us does something another gets upset about, we focus on the thing that happened - not on the person that did the action. It becomes "You did something that upset me", not "You are bad" - at least in my son`s case.
I was raised by my grandparents, with my mother sporadically around. My grandparents may have bickered occasionally about actions, but they never insulted each other. Their marriage lasted until death.
My mother would insult her boyfriends up and down the minute they were out of earshot. Well, she has never had a lasting relationship - to this day.
I think I know which path is the best to emulate, and I hope our son also learns by watching us.
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7-27-2007 @ 10:52PM
Richard said...I would rather be raised by parents arguing all day than in a country that mandates what can and can't be said in one's own home. We fight so hard for freedom and are slowly taking it away because people can't accept the fact that life nor freedom is easy.
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7-31-2007 @ 3:27AM
bab said...My hub has verbally abused me for some years now. I used to retalliate in kind, but I stopped that action. I mean, he will call me names using the "f" word and call me bitch. He very rarely does it in front of our child, but every great once-in-a-while, he'll say an innuendo in front of our 19 yr-old daughter. I'm not that used to it yet after eons of marriage.
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