Are we raising an entitled generation?

by Heather Craven (Subscribe to Heather Craven's posts) Jul 26th 2007 11:28AM

I don't believe I am the only parent who looks around at kids and wonders if they are getting more spoiled and more entitled with each generation. Sometimes I think of the things that come out of my kids' mouths and I try to remember if I ever said anything like that or demanded anything so outrageous. It seems to me that as a parent I spend so much of my time wondering how to make my children's lives easier or more filled with enriching activities even when I know they are stimulated, educated, nurtured and loved as much as possible. I see other parents struggling with this dilemma. Parents who wonder if one soccer camp is enough or if two would be better. Parents who don't blink an eye at dropping $100 on a pair of jeans for their tween daughters. Parents who schedule all of their free time around the agendas of their children so that each minute can be used to its highest and best potential to produce the best possible child ever.

Apparently I am not the only one wondering if kids have been getting progressively entitled over the years. Jeff Zaslow of the Wall Street Journal wrote an article that attributed the entitlement to the fact that the upcoming generations are repeatedly told how special they are. Zaslow writes that we need look no further than Mr. Rogers with his daily affirmations of just how special his viewers were to realize we have created a generation of spoiled kids who expect so much more because they truly are special. Zaslow also writes that kids today feel free to address adults by their first names and rarely feel compelled to talk about anything other than themselves when chatting with parents or other adults.

I first read Zazlo's article about four weeks ago, and since then I have heard it echoing in my head like some sort of warning. Although I have little problem with my children's friends addressing me by my first name, I have take much of the article to heart. I have realized that my kids are spoiled and feel entitled to be so. This doesn't mean they are bad kids, but have just been give far too much with little requested in return. We are making changes in our house, small ones but meaningful ones. Instead of listening only to what my children are doing, I tell them about my interests and how my day went. Instead of scheduling 100% of my time around their days, I have gone back to my yoga classes and requested that they respect my need to do something for me. If my kids grow up truly believing everything is about them, then I will not have done a very good job raising them. But if they grow up to realize they are loved and respected and they know how to love and respect others in return, then I will have done a good job.

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Comments (13)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

SKL 7-26-2007 @ 12:08PM

While I agree with most of the article, I don't think Mr. Rogers is really relevant here. Some tiny kids saw him on TV delivering a moment of praise each day. Strangers are supposed to go ga-ga over our kids for a moment here and there. It's the every-day butt-kissing of kids that is the problem.

In the past weeks, I've been enjoying the weather by taking walks that eventually lead me to parks, where the kids' baseball and softball games / practices are going on. I've been struck by the fact that the adults involved feel a need to praise EVERY move by every child. Nice swing, nice jump, nice attempt at running to first base while you were getting "out." Everybody clap for every child as we slowly read the entire team roster for both teams. Yay, woo-hoo! Only it's empty, meaningless, and isn't motivating anyone.

But the worst thing is the way the parents feel they have to chase their child's every dream. They rush to get their child signed up for the teams, buy the uniforms and sports equipment, drive them to practices and games, watch every movement, and tell them how wonderful they are the whole time. Same thing with school, social activities, etc. Parents actually guilt each other into this. What is it teaching the children? That I get what I want, whatever the cost to my parents. And since I can take it for granted, I can continuously demand more and disrespect - bite the hand that feeds me.

Problem is, once they actually have to fend for themselves, all they have is their arrogant attitude to convince prospective employers, friends, and life partners to accept them. Even to the extent they manage to get into a job, this is bad for the community and the economy, since they are not motivated to make the most of their God-given abilities.

And once they have kids, now instead of "it's all about me," it's "all about me and my kids." Meaning the community has to put up with their precious darlings' obnoxious "meltdowns" and demands and offenses and lack of productivity for yet another generation.

I truly hope the recent studies mean the pendulum is swinging back.

Ethel 7-26-2007 @ 12:12PM

I have been dwelling on this topic as well - when I read in Glamour (yeah I know) that those born since 1987 are the most self centered generation ever I had to sit down. I don't want my boys to be that way, a little, but not what was implied by that statement.

So when my 18 year old niece says my 2.5 year old son is "Bored out of his mind." I swallow my irritation with her and reply "My job is not to entertain him." Indeed, that is true, as the mom my role is not to fill my kids live's up for them. Now, if we could only drill in her head that her job right now is not to tell me how to parent, and I am not interested in how she feels about things, but that she needs to get a job....

Ginny 7-26-2007 @ 12:55PM

Oh I agree. And the people who think that everyone is supposed to respect them are wrong too. How many times have we heard about people getting pissed when they are "disrespected"? Come on people, you have to EARN respect. If you do nothing to become respected, then you don't deserve respect.

These kids are going to be a bunch of whiney slackers if we don't do something about society.

Caelligh 7-26-2007 @ 1:04PM

@ Ginny

I basically agree with you, but I would say that when you first meet anyone, you should assume they deserve your respect. But if they prove you wrong, regardless of their age, status, etc, than you can take it away.

LS 7-26-2007 @ 1:07PM

I'm gonna have a BIG problem in a few years when the coaches of my sons future sports team want every single kid to have a trophy regardless of personal or team performance. I will probably be the lone voice out there yelling "NO WAY!!! They should only get trophies if they EARN THEM" And then I will duck my head and run for shelter.

Wish me luck.

rebecca Biernesser 7-26-2007 @ 1:17PM

I was in the clueless stage about the whole praise every move till t-ball this year. This was the first sport my son has played and I could remember when my brothers and I played and wanted to give my son that same thing. BOY WAS I WRONG!!! There are not outs, you dont keep score, everyone plays, etc. It's a big baby-sitting thing. I was very disappointed b/c it teaches the children nothing about baseball. nothing...

But then again, I'm one of those weird parents that will tell my children "hmmm, let's stop for awhile, b/c you suck at this..."

caitlin 7-26-2007 @ 1:59PM

I don't think Mr. Rogers was the problem. Yes, he did tell kids that they were special, but if you ever watched the Land of Make Believe segments, it's pretty obvious he didn't mean for the kids to take "You're special" as a "You're entitled to everything". There are countless episodes when one of the characters (usually King Friday or Lady Elaine) decide they deserve something that negatively affects everyone else. The affected characters usually end up talking and working something out, instead of going tit for tat and deciding they're entitled to whatever too.

I think the problem started with my parents' generation. Entitlement is a learned behavior. If a parent gives their child everything they ask for, that sends a much stronger message about entitlement than any Mr. Rogers could have sent. I know my parents' generation meant well in trying to give their kids a better life, but it's pretty obvious entitlement isn't the way to go.

There are a lot of entitled people in my generation. It is really frustrating to go to the grocery store and have the cashier tell my son he has a "mean mommy" if I don't let him have a piece of candy after explaining my son that it's a want, not a need.

And you see these articles pop up that trying to guilt parents for not doing (insert optional, expensive thing) for their children. Some of the more ludicrous ones include kids being entitled to the parents selling their house to fund the kids' college years at a top school or expensive preschools that tout themselves as a must for getting into an Ivy League school.

And it sends the wrong message. Getting to the pinnacle (be it Ivy League school, an A, MVP, or becoming a CEO) is not something we are entitled to. Those are -rewards- for working your ass off and constantly pushing yourself to improve and learn new things.

LS 7-26-2007 @ 1:59PM

You know, Rebecca, I think there are a lot more "weird" parents out here than you think. The problem is that we tend not to make much noise, because those that are more permissive and believe in the 'reward everything' method of parenting will shout us down and call us mean. And who wants to be a "mean parent"? Well, I do. I strive to be a "mean mommy" who doesn't reward every little thing my son does. It's not that I don't believe in positive reinforcement - I toss plenty of encouragement around - but I also believe in negative reinforcement. I'm the Jeff Foxworthy parent - the one who says, "Let him pull the TV over, he'll learn not to do it again".

Unfortunately, when people see me doing that, they question me, often getting in my face, telling me how horrible I am, even as my son picks himself up off the playground, dusts himself off, and continues (unharmed) with his play.

Ginny 7-26-2007 @ 2:45PM

Caelligh - That's the problem. Children don't deserve adults' respect the way adults deserve children's respect. Children should automatically respect their elders. Not the other way around. This is what kids need to know.

Stephanie 7-26-2007 @ 4:45PM

I agree that Mr. Rogers wasn't the problem. Special does not mean entitled. I know my daughter has a lot of things she'd love to do, but right now we can't help her with them. Lot's of toys she would love to have, but the answer is no.

And I think that's the key too many parents forget. Saying no to your kids often enough teaches them that they can't have everything they want. Telling them when they could do better helps as well. Teaching them that the world does not revolve around them is one of life's most important lessons.

Sandyone 7-26-2007 @ 9:36PM

"have the cashier tell my son he has a "mean mommy" if I don't let him have a piece of candy"

Caitlin, next time, give yourself a good laugh and tell your son, "And we have a stupid cashier who doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut."

Oh, that would be fun, but not such a good example, I suppose.

queenoqueens 7-26-2007 @ 11:01PM

I so agree. Doing too much for your kids and giving continuous meaningless praise just robs them of the opportunity to develop self-worth through learning and achieving on their own. I think our communal guilt and affluence leads us to feeling we need to do more and more for them. When I thought about other segments of society and other cultures where more time has to be spent on simply taking care of basic family needs, it made me feel better about not providing everything for my kids.
It's simple.....they just won't appreciate it if it comes too easy.

letsgo 7-28-2007 @ 3:25PM

I've watched a many of friends/family turn a blind eye when it comes to the spoiled behavior of their kids. They think their kids deserve to have more than they did and since their such "great kids", give it to them. All along these kids have just learned to tell their parents what "they want to hear", and do what they want anyway. Then they're astonished when they find out their children are selfish, self-centered spoiled brats! They have and are raising a generation of self serving individuals that don't think they should have to do anything, including chores and earning their own way. Most of the parents I know say they see the way their kids are, but they just continue to let them get away with this behavior! The reason? A beautiful smile and or the batting of their beautiful colored eyes. DUH!! They don't want to hear them whine while they correct their behavior! Well, I've told them, don't come crying to me when you're served with some sort of court order and realize you need to set them straight! To all you parents out there, does this sound familiar? If not, then you are obviously raising well rounded children, that do not expect the world laid at their feet!! Or, you are oblivious to the spoiled brats you have raised that now stand before you, batting those beautiful eyes or flashing a beautiful smile. Since when did earning your way become a crime, aren't all us parents earning ours? I don't think the above effect will do our children justice in the real world, lets say @ the ripe old age of 45, not that the age 45 implies we're ripe or old! I'm sure all of us have at least 1 adult friend/co-worker or spouse that behaves like a 2 year old when they don't get what they want. Just imagine a "WHOLE GENERATION OF THEM"!! I shutter to the thought of that, don't you?

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