Miss Manners: kids shouldn't donate their birthday money to charity

Our children will not be having 'gift-free' birthday parties anytime soon. I understand giving to charity, and I have no problem involving my children with philantropy, but a birthday is a celebration of them. Of course, our kids only get toys (and mostly clothes) on their birthdays and Christmas anyway, so it's not like they're getting stuff year-round.

If you want to get your kids to give to others, why not donate toys at Christmas, or money to the NICU at Easter, or something along that vein.

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A better plan might be to start periodically weeding through outgrown toys and clothing, and giving them to others.

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I guess the one thing I don't really understand about the article is: why are kids this age having birthday parties that are so huge? My kids are overwhelmed by big parties, and I've found it very effective to stick to a "one guest per year" rule. My kids also have birthdays that are a little inconvenient for big parties (one is just before Christmas, and the other is within weeks of 4 of her in-town cousins).

If you want to host a big party for lots of kids, does it have to be associated with a birthday? If it isn't, then you get out of the whole gift issue and just have a party for the sake of having a party, which is a nice thing. Parties shouldn't be considered bids for gifts anyway.

In general, though I think the gift and party issue should be separate from teaching charitable giving. I think parties are for learning hosting, and if necessary polite gift reception. My niece regularly has lemonade stands for charity and I think that is one example of a good way to teach giving.

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My daughter is 6, we live in one of those "affluent suburbs" and have been to a few of those kinds of parties. But not collecting checks - that is tacky and would lead to competativeness as to who gives the most money. The parties we went to collected new or good condition used books for a low-income school, and clothes or toys for homeless families. So far, we only have done the no-gift thing for her 1st birthday, when she wouldn't know the difference anyway. We collected books for charity. But after going to her friends' no-gift parties, my daughter ASKED to do the same when she turns 7. She loves animals, so she wants to collect blankets and supplies for the local animal shelter. I think it is a great idea. She will still get gifts from family members, so she won't be "deprived" of gifts.

As for why people have big parties - birthdays are political nowadays. I hate it personally, but I've seen hurt feelings (on the part of parents) when only a few of a certain group are invited (classmates, playgroups, whatever.) It is sometimes hard to limit things. I try to, but even with limits my daughter had 13 kids at her 6th birthday.

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I agree with Miss Manners. Children need to learn to give and receive graciously. There are plenty of opportunities to learn charity and philanthropy without taking the fun out of childhood. To me, the joy of receiving presents isn't the material gain - it's the anticipation of opening the package and the joy of seeing that someone cared to select something special for me. I think there's a lot of innocent pleasure in that for kids that a donation to charity just doesn't match.

By all means, if your house is overloaded with toys and you don't want to/haven't had the opportunity to clean out, or you have such young children that they don't care about presents, or if the birthday boy or girl chooses the gift-less route go for it! I just think that presents at a birthday party are rather nice.

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I think that a birthday without getting any presents isn't a birthday at all. You don't have to recieve a LOT of gifts but not to get ANYTHING at all really sucks! I am an adult (21) and don't get anything for my birthday anymore, not even a phone call sometimes. My fiance will tell me happy birthday and we will go out or something, but family doesn't call or send cards or anything.

So it sucks, and imagine you are a kid and your parents tell you that they are not buying you any presents but instead giving the money to charity! Now that would REALLY suck! I understand giving old toys away to charity, but to get NOTHING!!!

I agree with Miss Manners!!!

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Kids should be introduced to charity through activities that don't take away from their own enjoyment. It takes a certain amount of maturity to be truly happy for another's gain at one's own expense. Or to understand the concept that things given wholeheartedly will come back around in some way.

A better way to avoid ridiculously materialistic birthday parties would be to not have a "birthday party." Have a birthday celebration involving just the nuclear family. Celebrate with a trip to the child's favorite place of entertainment, a few meaningful gifts, a favorite meal, a break from doing chores, a double allowance. Put a deposit in the child's education savings account. And at the same time, it is a nice idea to sit down with the child and plan a sort of "matching gift" to a charity of HER choice. But such gift should not be netted against the gifts she would otherwise receive.

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I have been to a few no gift parties and not one of them asked for a dontaion to a charity. The reason I have seen it asked is because we live in a low income area and the parents would rather have the kids come to the party and have fun then not come just because they can't afford a gift. I may do this for the same reason.
I hate the parties where the whole class is invited to that is 10 times worse because now your just showing off and competing, or are maybe you don't know how to say no to your kid.

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Miss Manners seems to be concerned about kids hating philanthropy later in life because they are forced by their parents to have no gift parties and donate money received to charity.

First, what about those kids who want to do this? There are many and you can read about one at donateyourbirthday.org. Should they be forced not to give because we think it is in their best interest to be gifted with toys?

Second, does this mean parents should not encourage other manners in fear that the child will grow up to hate doing those things as well?

I believe you can have fun and find some great ways to give back to charity.

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