Driven by the fear of being a deadbeat
I was recently working on a project with another young dad, who also has a three-year-old daughter. We talked about traveling, missing our kids, and how -- especially at this age -- children seem noticeably older if you don't see them for a week.
But I hardly ever travel. The only reason I know what it's like to miss my kid is because, until recently, I only saw her on weekends.
So I had to explain why that is -- the same way I have to explain it to all the parents I meet. I always try to relay the story to these relative strangers without emotion -- as if I wasn't painfully aware of the social monster I was supposed to be.
A coward, a quitter, or just an unbearable a**hole -- because a normal, caring father would never let his family fall apart.
* * *
When you're a potential deadbeat, your relationship to your child isn't official until it's outlined in confusing legalese.
For that, you go to your local Attorney General's office. It's not in a courthouse, or some official-looking legislative outpost, but in a faceless office building -- the kind of place you'd find the Department of Motor Vehicles (or the training center for a nearby real estate college). And, like at the DMV, you avoid small talk, awkwardly awaiting your turn as you repeatedly read the poorly-hung, fear-mongering government posters.
In this case, it's a list of the Top Ten Most Wanted Child Support Evaders, followed by a more emotional declation of why it's important to pay child support (for your child's sake), and a third poster outlining how you can effectively pay said child support (presuming you were convinced by the first two documents).
When you're not reading, you can eavesdrop on the nearby conversation between a young man and an office employee, who's politely but firmly explaining to him that, because he didn't pay child support, and he failed to appear in court, there's now a warrant out for his arrest.
You finally see a counselor, who could give a rat's ass about you or your kid, because this is their job, and they do it every day for 9 hours so they can feed their family and have health insurance. They work out how much you owe, get you to sign some forms, and then re-iterate the basics:
"If you don't pay child support, we will come after you, and put you in jail. If she doesn't provide you access to the child, we won't come after her -- you'll need to get a lawyer. But even if that happens, you still have to pay."
Because, let's be honest, that's all you'll ever be good for, deadbeat.
* * *
More recently, I was explaining to a friend of mine the now emotionless story of how I became a separated parent. When I told her the part about moving to Texas (to ensure I'd have at least some relationship with my child), she told me it was "noble."
But that's not how it felt -- in fact, at the time it seemed like I was grasping at straws. I was desperately chasing speculation, head down, charging forward without stopping to think -- because, if I had stopped, I almost certainly would've turned back. I was clinging to my responsibility -- hating everyone who told me I shouldn't, and petrified at the person I'd become if I let myself walk away.
Even now, long after that first stomach-churning meeting at the AG's office, there's a little voice of doubt that pushes me to spend more time with Edan -- to have more fun, to impart more wisdom, to a be a better parent.
So much so, that sometimes I worry that I'm driven by the fear of being a deadbeat.
And I say this knowing that there are countless divorced or separated parents who actively participate, and are essential to their children's lives. The idea that our families -- just because they're split into multiple households -- are "broken," is outdated, archaic, and just plain wrong.
I don't believe in the myth -- and I certainly don't want to parent in fear of it.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
shannon 7-31-2007 @ 1:13PM
Beautiful post. The system is really set up so strangely. I use the AG's website to report that my ex doesn't pay. It's a very odd mechanism and only conveys this tiny portion of the disappointment around his inability to parent our child. I think for the male side of the couple who is doing the right thing (such as my current partner) that it's incredibly reductive (all that matters is that you pay), and that's in a state that supposedly pro-father.
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Eva 7-31-2007 @ 2:43PM
I think you are doing great. I am impressed you moved to be closer to your child. My dad, after my parents' divorce, moved to freaking Alaska while we lived in Georgia. Just about as far away as you can get, you know? Way to be involved, Dad.
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Jessica 7-31-2007 @ 4:01PM
Well Said.
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Paige 7-31-2007 @ 6:55PM
Jonathon,
You've moved closer to your child, you work your butt off to be with your child, you miss your child.
Your daughter is going to grow up knowing she had your love and will be stronger and more secure because of it.
You're a good man.
Paige
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tanyetta 8-01-2007 @ 4:49AM
wow. this really touched my heart.
http://calimckoys.blogspot.com
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Jooley Ann 8-01-2007 @ 5:08PM
When you told me your story, I thought, "What an incredible guy." You're definitely way outside the norm when it comes to caring for your child. Hell, you're more involved than a lot of dads in families that are still one unit.
I'm married to a man who bends over backwards to stay close to his kids, and I support him completely. E.g., we live about 10 blocks from his ex, deep in suburbia. Would I rather live in a hipper part of town? Sure, but it's more important to be close to his kids' schools, their friends, their neighborhood, etc. I knew this is how it would be when I married him, and I'm not only fine with it, I'm proud that my husband is the kind of father who puts his kids on the top of his priority list.
You're right -- in situations like ours, things aren't "broken". Unfortunately, there are just as many cases where a dad moves to, say, Alaska and almost never sees his kids again. That's heartbreaking.
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Jessica 8-13-2007 @ 3:13PM
You know I was actually a better parent when my husband and I were separated. So yeah there are single parents out there that are deadbeats but, hell some married parents are too! You are doing a wonderful job and your little girl will know it and love you for it.
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Brenner 9-11-2007 @ 4:32PM
Sounds to me, too, that you're doing an excellent job. But it's sometimes hard, yeah, to shrug off the societal dreck that might insist you're a loser simply for not having been able to remain with your kid's mother and thereby provide Aden no more than a single household in which to grow-up, and you there in it, day in day out.
But, fuck it, that situation would've made life hellish for you and her mom and thus much worse for Aden as well. And so I suggest that generally, empirically, you've made the wiser and more considerate choice regarding parenting.
And no one knows how my own daughter might've turned out if I'd stayed with her mom and we'd all had one house together ... but considering the sort of person that she, my spawn Angelica, has become ... I'm almost led to believe that our separated situation was (and continues to be) a distinctly *positive* influence, regardless of any possible alternatives regarding her madre and myself.
And you pay child support, yo, as do I; which renders us thoroughly decent vis-a-vis simple monetary obligations. And divorced or separated people who're not interested in their kids, for whatever reason, they're not BAD people, per se; they (as deleterious as it may be to the unfortunate child involved) are just people who're not interested dealing with a kid. And neither you nor I are that sort of person, anyway.
Aden's lucky she's got a father like you --- a considerate, smart, interesting and interested man who's there when he can be, rather than some uncultured troglodytic asshole who relentlessly lives with her because he happens to be married to her mother. My parents didn't get divorced until I was 33, and I'm retroactively jealous of Aden for having a childhood with such a good father.
Luck of the draw, man.
Luck of the motherfucking draw.
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Brenner 9-14-2007 @ 8:15PM
Guh.
Edan, of course, your daughter's excellent name.
*blush*
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