Hair color for a six-year-old?

by Sandy Maple (Subscribe to Sandy Maple's posts) Aug 6th 2007 5:33PM

Categories: Kids 5-7

One of the best things about writing for Parent Dish, other than associating with all these great writers, is the feedback and comments I get from readers. Since I started writing here just over 6 months ago, I have benefited from the thoughtful and often brilliant suggestions I have received in response to my posts. Because of you guys, I have expanded my menu of easy dinners, stopped Ellie from throwing up on car trips, and decided that she won't be riding a school bus this fall. She still can't ride a bike, but I did convince her to cut her hair in a cute bob that we both love.

So, here's another question for you. It's her hair again. Why can't a six year old temporarily color her hair?

Ellie came to me recently and asked if she could dye her hair brown. Her natural color is a dirty-blond with a hint of red and I think it is beautiful the way it is. Of course I told her that she was absolutely not going to color her hair.
I mean, she is six - that's ridiculous, right? Then she asked me why she couldn't dye it temporarily - with the same non-permanent dye that I use to even out my color every few months. The stuff I use has no ammonia and doesn't damage your hair - in fact it makes my hair look shinier and healthier. Again, I told her no.

She won't let it drop. She doesn't understand how this is any different than the times we put temporary pink streaks in her hair. I don't know what the difference is either, but there is a difference, right? Maybe what I am resisting is the idea that she feels the need to change anything at all about her appearance. I want her to be happy with herself just they way she is. But she just wants to experiment. Why can't she temporarily be a brunette?

Comments (20)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Nancy Toby 8-06-2007 @ 6:15PM

I am SO not looking forward to those debates! I'm afraid my response would be: Out. Of. The. Question. No means no.

I'm hoping your readers will have a better answer than that (essentially "because I said so because I'm the Mom").

kate 8-06-2007 @ 6:27PM

Why can't we get away with "Because I said so, that's why!" like our parents did??

I understand your dilema; I'm also the mom a six year old girl and mine can be so persuasive...and then you start thinking "Well, yeah, why not?" But my answer to this would be that coloring your hair is one of those things that grown-ups do (like shaving her legs, or wearing make-up or whatever), and that she needs to wait until she's, say, 16 (or whatever seems appropriate to you).

Girls/women are bombarded with advertisements telling us that we'd be better or prettier if only we colored our hair or wore a certain brand of make-up or whatever. Help her resist that as long as you can....

mamaloo 8-06-2007 @ 6:38PM

6 year olds shouldn't dye their hair for the same reason that 12 year olds shouldn't have sex: they are emotionally unprepared for the deeper meaning o the act.

Altering one's image is a serious undertaking. There are undercurrents of sexuality and self identity that percolate through our drive to alter how we look to the outside world. I think that, until children have developed a strong identity and a healthy self esteem, they shouldn't be altering their external selves in such a way.

Small children need to develop a kind of baseline self regard before they begin the adolescents job of exploring alternatives to their identity.

caitlin 8-06-2007 @ 6:56PM

I think the reason why she wants to do it is more important than the color of her hair. Mine hasn't been its natural color since I was 13. It's a confidence thing for me. I have really great hair now, and I happen to like it a lot. I feel pretty as a redhead or with purple hair. It helps me keep from focusing on my appearance flaws.

I think the pink streaks are different, because it's "just for fun". It doesn't signal "unhappy with who I am". But wanting to dye your hair a natural color makes people think you aren't happy with yourself. At least that's been my experience going between copper and purple.

I would make sure people aren't commenting on her appearance in a way that makes her think she's measuring up to the female standard of beauty. When I was a kid, everyone always commented on my big nose and fuzzy eyebrows and I felt so ugly. My new haircolor was kind of like a shield, and I could let those comments roll off of me a little easier. If she's having confidence problems, I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand.

SKL 8-06-2007 @ 6:59PM

This is a tricky question. I see it like wearing make-up. We generally let little girls experiment with play make-up, though we'd never let them wear it out in public.

The reason I couldn't let my six-year-old out of the house with artificially colored hair is that it would make her appear to be adopting more mature attributes. Like wearing a stuffed bra, high heels, nylons, or lipstick. It would cause others to look at her a different way. While most people would just think "weird," some perverts (and even older boys) would get ideas I don't want them to have about my kid.

But I certainly can't explain that to my six-year-old.

So I would fall back on the basic explanation that little girls don't do those adult-fashion things: wearing high heels, make-up, bras, or hair color in public. Thus any hair dye that sticks on more than a few hours would not be allowed.

Of course I would also add: "you're beautiful the way you are," etc., etc. Which is true, and is why it bothers me when even young teens feel a need to paint themselves.

Unless all the other girls in town are dying their hair, I suspect she will accept the "little girls don't" explanation.

Uly 8-06-2007 @ 7:35PM

I think you'll have a hard time convincing her that she should feel happy the way she is, and that feeling happy the way she is consists of not coloring her hair when you, in fact, do that.

Kids don't see things the same way as adults do. As an adult, I do appreciate that there are things adults do that kids can't, but if you're going to go that route, you should drop the real reason and just stick with "Look, you can't, now drop it".

Tina 8-06-2007 @ 11:06PM

Personally its not that big of a deal to have a power struggle over. Let her color it, she will probably hate it and will not want to do it again till she is at least 13. :)

Jamie 8-06-2007 @ 9:34PM

It might be good to find out what reason she has for wanting to color her hair and then you could address that issue.

Good Luck,

Jamie

MamaChristy 8-06-2007 @ 9:47PM

So the pink streaks wash right out, right? When the Halloween stuff coimes out in the stores - next week, right? - keep an eye out for the colored hair sprays. These also wash right out and then she can experiment without having it be even semi-permanent.

She just wants to do grown-up things just like all other kids her age. Tell her no, but keep your eye out for wash-once-and-it's-gone type things to give her a color she wants. You are telling her no, but (if you can find it) showing her that you were listening and are willing to let her try things on your safe terms. Good luck!

Caelligh 8-06-2007 @ 9:59PM

@ mamaloo
Uh...what?

"Emotionally unprepared for the deeper meaning of the act." There is no deeper meaning. It's hair. Maybe there's a deeper meaning for you, but I seriously doubt this is about anything but fun for Ellie.

"There are undercurrents of sexuality and self identity that percolate through our drive to alter how we look to the outside world." Sure, our identities are tied in with our appearance. And for teens and adults, sexuality is as well. But Ellie is 6; I really don't think she's trying to rope a man.

I actually agree on your final point; this other talk seems alarmist, though.

Amy 8-06-2007 @ 11:30PM

Geez, I'd just tell her that if she accidentally gets it in her eyes, she'll go blind, and be done with it.

I am totally not above lying to my kids. I believed for years that penguins would flock to my kitchen if I left the refrigerator door open too long. Now that my oldest is starting to open the fridge, what was one of the first things out of my mouth? Of course, "The penguins are coming!!"

My parents fed me b.s. with a side of exaggeration for most of my childhood. My mom told me that putting chocolate of any kind in milk (even Ovaltine) took the vitamins out. I believed that until college. Now I look back at all those little lies so fondly, they're an integral part of the fabric of our family, and my brother and sister and I can still crack each other up trying to one-up each other on Mom's "tall tales."

All the vitamins are in the skin of the potato, so you have to eat it. Green vegetables will put hair on your chest (I didn't figure out that I didn't want that until I hit puberty). My uncle was from Ork, just like Mork. The car won't go if you don't buckle your seatbelt. They don't allow kids to walk at the grocery store - you have to sit in a cart until you're 8. Those toys that you can put a quarter in and ride for 5 minutes are all broken, always, regardless of whether or not there's a sign. If you pull that face, it'll freeze that way. Make up/hair dye/etc. will make you blind/give you zits/give you dandruff/stunt your growth/etc.

Parenting is much easier that way. :)

http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

Ginny 8-07-2007 @ 12:48AM

I haven't read the responses yet which I plan to. My kids both want to change their hair color. One is soon to be 10 & the other is 6. I haven't let them yet & like you don't know why. I just know that I don't want too, lol. I guess it is all that setting a bad body image, etc. I have thought about letting my oldest use something like Sun in on her hair. That is the first thing my mom allowed, but I think was 12. My girls dance & it seems that most of the girls & even some of the boys were allowed to start changing their hair color around 11 - 13. If you know the temporary stuff is safe, why not let her try it. Especially in the summer is a good time to experiment. Maybe make a compromise & tell her next summer you will let her do it.

Gry 8-07-2007 @ 4:38AM

I think an interesting question is why doesn't she want to have the hair color that she has, as opposed to why does she want to be a brunette.

Is it wise to start changing yourself before you know why/who it is you're changing?

That probably wasn't helpful though.. I hope you figure a way to handle this so that both of you are happy with the decision.

Jessica 8-07-2007 @ 8:24AM

What Kate, Mamaloo, and especially Amy, said.

I would just tell her it is an adult activity, like shaving her legs or wearing makeup, and we can talk about it when she is older. End of story.

I completely respect the way you discuss everything with Ellie, and I have learned a tremendous amount about how to talk to a child. For instance, when she was asking about the differences between boys and girls and you decided to ask HER questions to figure out what exactly she wanted to know. That was brilliant, and I never would have thought of that. I certainly learned something about talking with a young child. On the other hand, you spend an awful lot of time trying to figure out how to be mature and honest with her.....and sometimes, maybe, it's better to remember they're children and simple is more appropriate.

melanie 8-07-2007 @ 3:02PM

no child should use harsh chemicals for any reason, especially for the pure fact that they want to dye their hair. does a 6 yr old really want to dye her hair or is her mother wanting her to dye her hair? i just dont agree with it at all. besides the chemicals that will harm her, her hair will also be damaged. not a good idea no matter how you look at it.

Tina 8-07-2007 @ 8:43PM

I really do not see what the big deal is. Its hair, its non-toxic, its not going to hurt her, why fight with her about it, it could be a good life lesson. She might hate it and realize that maybe being herself is ok :)

Jennifer 8-07-2007 @ 10:23PM

You could always go the cheap and silly route....don't forget about Kool-Aid! My cousins and I would dye our hair with Kool-aid when we were kids. It washed right out and we experimented with all sorts of colors. And it was only ten cents!

Of course I wouldn't get the kind that's presweetened...trust me on that one!

If my 6 year old asked me to dye her hair I would tell her "No, not until youre older." There are just some things that don't need to be negotiated. It's not like I'd NEVER let her dye her hair, just not now at 6 years old.

However, like a previous poster mentioned I think it's fine for them to dress up and play with makeup and Kool-aid around the house to be silly. Who knows? Maybe if she dyes her hair pink with Kool Aid she'll just laugh at that will be the end of it.

I do agree with others though, I'd ask WHY.

It could be as simply that she's trying to shock you by asking the question :)

Amy 8-08-2007 @ 8:56PM

While at the hairdressers a few weeks ago this very subject came up. Her daughter wanted to have aquamarine streaks (the kind that don't wash out). She was telling me why children under 12/13 yo should not dye their hair with anything that will not wash out within a few washings. Childrens hair is usually not fully developed and even the non-toxic dyes are not healthy for developing hair. She ended up dying tracks and putting those in her daughters hair.

cloverstatic 8-12-2007 @ 5:27PM

Wow, you guys are reading so much into this little girl coloring here hair. I let my daughter dye her hair red when she was in first grade because she wanted to and was a straight A student with zero discipline issues.
We had several long talks first about how this was a privilege she had earned and not a right, as well as how many other adults would not understand it therefore making it more important to continue to be a model student since many would assume bad parenting on my part for allowing her to dye her hair. Since then she has had one other color and highlights and in between that couldn't have cared less about her hair! She doesn't wear make up or seek other grown up things as a result and she will be entering sixth grade this year. Its just hair, not a gateway drug!

M4Mommy 8-13-2007 @ 1:06PM

My daughter(4yo) has told me she wants to be a "blond. Like her friend CC" My daughter is a brunette.
Number 1.- her hair would probably turn pumpkin orange. Like mine did when I tried that in HS.
Number 2- She's 4!!!! there is no way in hell I am doing anything with her hair besides washing and getting it cut.

She does wear nail polish though. I have no idea where she got the "want" to color her nails from. I dont color mine. I keep mine trimmed short and plain. But she has several shades of pink and purple nail polish. I dont wear makeup, so I cant imagine she is going to be asking to do that... until her school mates start wearing it in what? Kindergarten???

How To Submit Photos:
If you'd like your children (any age will do!) featured on ParentDish, upload photos into the ParentDish Flickr Pool. Be sure to read our main Flickr page for more information.