Hot on HuffPost Parents:
Christie O. Tate: I Love and Welcome My Daugther's Rage
Rob Watson: A Gay Dad's Open Letter to the Parents Who Are Seeking to…
Finding my spirit
Filed under: Just For Moms, Work Life, Health & Safety: Babies, Development/Milestones: Babies
Those who know me best have delicately suggested that I haven't been myself lately. Probably, maybe, that I haven't been myself for several months. It's been a rough year, a time of transition, take care of yourself. It's a familiar refrain. Yet I feel like: I am taking care of myself, I work obsessively, that's how I cope.
Loved ones seem to have gentler activities in mind. Work obsession isn't regarded as therapeutic, it seems. My Mom suggested yoga, something I used to love with a passion. She'd babysit. I could pick a night.
"No, Mom, I can't. I have so much work to do."
You'd never know it, because I never see them (see Exhibit A above, obsessive work habits), but I have a cherry bowl full of really great friends less than an hour away from my new home. Krista the Kind has suggested lunches, hikes, a pedicure. And I make feeble attempts, because I know time with friends would be good for me, I cannot be a completely unsociable hermit before I have hit my midlife crisis, but truthfully, I never quite manage to follow through. I have Nolan, I must fix the house, things are crazy.
Here's the truth: I am scared, when I am around good people who ask me how I am doing, that I might start crying and never be able to stop. I am scared I will admit that I don't know if I can do this, that I'm not sure my heart will ever feel whole again, that I am not sure I am enough for Nolan, for myself.
But here's what I learned last weekend, when my Mom called me as the morning sun was slanting through my kitchen windows: rejuvenation is out there waiting, you just need to catch it.
"Come down, Dad will look after Nolan,"she said,"The ocean is like glass and the kayaks are on the dock."
Despite my writing that needed tending, despite proposals that needed to be packaged and sent, despite 72 unread emails and a toddler who wanted to play cars on my head, I felt the urge to do it, take the time, do nothing but dip and paddle, sigh and feel the ocean move gracefully beneath me.
It's unbelievable how twenty minutes of beauty can change one's perspective entirely. My eyes filled with tears when I was in that little green kayak, but not out of hopelessness or fear: but of gratefulness for sheer beauty, for mountains and clear ocean and lolling seals, for a Mom who always know what my soul needs.
I found my peace last weekend, and I will find it a little more each time I enter that kayak.
Loved ones seem to have gentler activities in mind. Work obsession isn't regarded as therapeutic, it seems. My Mom suggested yoga, something I used to love with a passion. She'd babysit. I could pick a night.
"No, Mom, I can't. I have so much work to do."
You'd never know it, because I never see them (see Exhibit A above, obsessive work habits), but I have a cherry bowl full of really great friends less than an hour away from my new home. Krista the Kind has suggested lunches, hikes, a pedicure. And I make feeble attempts, because I know time with friends would be good for me, I cannot be a completely unsociable hermit before I have hit my midlife crisis, but truthfully, I never quite manage to follow through. I have Nolan, I must fix the house, things are crazy.
Here's the truth: I am scared, when I am around good people who ask me how I am doing, that I might start crying and never be able to stop. I am scared I will admit that I don't know if I can do this, that I'm not sure my heart will ever feel whole again, that I am not sure I am enough for Nolan, for myself.
But here's what I learned last weekend, when my Mom called me as the morning sun was slanting through my kitchen windows: rejuvenation is out there waiting, you just need to catch it.
"Come down, Dad will look after Nolan,"she said,"The ocean is like glass and the kayaks are on the dock."
Despite my writing that needed tending, despite proposals that needed to be packaged and sent, despite 72 unread emails and a toddler who wanted to play cars on my head, I felt the urge to do it, take the time, do nothing but dip and paddle, sigh and feel the ocean move gracefully beneath me.
It's unbelievable how twenty minutes of beauty can change one's perspective entirely. My eyes filled with tears when I was in that little green kayak, but not out of hopelessness or fear: but of gratefulness for sheer beauty, for mountains and clear ocean and lolling seals, for a Mom who always know what my soul needs.
I found my peace last weekend, and I will find it a little more each time I enter that kayak.
Your<span>Voice</span>
Ask Us Anything About Parenting
RelatedVideos
-
Fake Tweet Causes Flash Crash, and More
What's News: Financial markets quickly recover after a false AP tweet of explosions in the White House sent stocks plunging. Facebook is building new data center in Iowa. New home sales jump 1.5% in March. Joanne Po reports. Photo:
-
Pregnant Woman Forced To Take Unpaid Leave From Job
A recent report by Working Families revealed that workplace pregnancy discrimination is on the rise and that some expecting mothers are willing to risk a healthy pregnancy to keep their jobs. Guest Amy Crosby shares her story.
-
How Can I Help My Son Deal with His Anxiety?
Skelley Skas discusses how to help a child out who has anxiety disorder.
-
Baby Bottles and Tooth Decay
Babies, bottles and bedtime seem to go hand in hand, but putting your baby to sleep with a bottle could harm his or her health. See how baby bottle tooth decay occurs and learn oral hygiene tips to prevent it.
SitesWeLove
- Site Map
- |
- Staff
- |
- Terms of Service
- |
- Privacy Policy
- |
- Trademarks
- |
- Advertise With Us
- |
- About Our Ads
- |
- AOL Downloads
- |
- Contact Us
- |
© Copyright 2012 AOL Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Aol Family
ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-14-2007 @ 11:43AM
Jason said...That's what so great about the future - it can start at any time.
j.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 12:28PM
Ethel said...Sigh, can I kayak with you? The sound of water lapping at the hull is one of my favorite sounds.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 2:31PM
sweetsalty kate said...Let me guess - deep cove? lucky girl. we used to paddle from there all the time, and then blow all the benefit at honey's doughnuts. Now THAT'S a buck fifty well spent on therapy.
I'm glad you took that moment... here's to doing it more often.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 2:01PM
Chris said...You just made my eyes water at my desk. After that, I called my sister (who has been tryingt o get me shopping, scrapbooking, dinner...anything! this whole summer) and told her we were going to walk around the lake tonight once the kids were in bed. Yes, I'm tired and have some work and cleaning to catch up on..but life is short and I miss her (she is a single mom so I know she wants the breaks just as bad). I know it will make me relax and feel refreshed. Good luck to you
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 4:04PM
Cathy said...thinking about you! :) I'm off to Banff today to do the same - find some peace.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 4:37PM
Ann Adams said...I remember saying on my blog shortly before my daughter died that I was afraid if I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop. So I kept pretending to be strong while I thought I would break to pieces inside. It took me forever to even write that much.
An online friend assured me that yes, I would stop crying and that I must allow myself to feel and to write.
I'm so glad you are allowing yourself something just for you. Balance is so important.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 7:00PM
SKL said...Kristin, I just want to say I love your posts. You are such a real person, and you are looking for the answers to the really important questions in life. You will find them.
Reply
8-14-2007 @ 8:24PM
Jessica said...I'm so glad you took a day for yourself, Kristin. You've talked about it several times.
There is no doubt of your love for Nolan, and that he fulfills you to the utmost. Through your writing, I can see that you are a fantastic mother. Go ahead and cry, release it.
Reply