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Fifty-fifty parenting?
Filed under: Just For Moms, Babies, Toddlers Preschoolers, Preschoolers, Activities: Babies, Places To Go, Development/Milestones: Babies, Sex
We got an inquiry from a reader about an interesting parenting philosophy. Her friend with a ten-month-old came to visit her and her three- and one-year-olds. Her kids were playing in their sandbox and she went to put the ten-month-old in as well, asking if it was okay. The response she got floored her."My friend said that the sandbox was off-limits because she would have to ask her husband first," she says. "They have a rule in their house that neither of them can do anything new with their daughter unless they ask the other one first." The friend went on to say she didn't have a problem with it, but reiterated that "she would need to discuss it with her husband before her daughter could play in the sand."
Our reader ended up letting her kids play in the sand while her friend just held her daughter on her lap and watched. She noted that her husband has full confidence in her parenting abilities; they don't have to check with each other before doing something. One of the other writers here commented that if she asked her husband about everything, he would divorce her.
Rachel and I are more like that. I certainly have no doubts about her abilities (she handles twenty kids at a time every day just fine) and, well, I haven't gotten the kids killed yet. We pretty much had the same views on parenting going in to this, so we don't worry too much. What's the point of entering into a partnership with someone if you can't trust them to handle their side of things on their own?
I'm going to come out and say that if this works for you, then congratulations, but I don't think it's a sustainable model for the long term and I don't think it's all that healthy for the kid -- they're probably missing out on a lot in order to wait for a decision from the committee. What do you think? Have you heard of this before? Does this seem like something you'd be interested in?
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-16-2007 @ 4:28PM
MetroDad said...Every single decision regarding parenting needs to be done by committee? That sounds insane to me. It's like paralysis by analysis. Be interesting to see how long they can keep that up!
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8-16-2007 @ 4:34PM
Eva said...Those people are whacked. Sounds like one of the parents is on a power trip or something. I feel sorry for their poor, circumscribed, kid!
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8-16-2007 @ 5:13PM
caitlin said...Well, I guess I can kinda see this if neither wants to miss out on any firsts, especially if it's their only child. And to an extent, it makes sense. It's really fun to be there when your child discovers something new and to see their reactions.
But this just seems like overkill and unnecessarily frustrating for the parent who has to restrain the child from playing with the others. I guess it's not a big deal at 10 months, but in another half year? My husband accepted that as a SAHM, I'd probably be the one to experience most of the firsts. But we save the bigger firsts for both of us and don't sweat the small stuff.
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8-16-2007 @ 5:19PM
Amanda said...my husband already does this and it makes me want to pull my eyelids off my face!!!!! because he does it while we are in the house TOGETHER!!!
H: hey do you want me to bathe the baby?
W: yes please thank you
H: which soap
W: whichever one I don't care
H: how warm should I make the water
W: boiling
H: which rag do I use
W: whichever one you want
H: which towel do i use
W: do you want me to kill you
H: which way do you comb her hair
W: what color casket do you want
Reply
8-16-2007 @ 5:23PM
Victoria said...Clearly there will be problems down the road...
Mom: "Honey, our daughter is ready to pee-pee in the potty for the first time!"
Dad: "No, tell her to wait until we're both there! I don't want to miss it!"
Reply
8-16-2007 @ 5:42PM
caitlin said...Amanda: When he asks if you want him to bathe the baby, say "Yes, thank you. I'm going to run that errand I needed to do. Need anything from the store?"
My husband did that a lot too when our son was a baby. He didn't have that much experience around babies, and didn't quite realize that he was quite capable of doing all baby care on his own. As long as I was in the house, he'd ask me something every 37.53 seconds. My mother in law suggested I go hang out with friends for an evening, and let him handle all the baby stuff for one night, so he could build his confidence. Worked like a charm ;).
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8-16-2007 @ 6:49PM
Jill said...Amanda, Caitlin: I started hearing the questions at about 6 weeks. My answer was to join a yoga class that took place Saturday mornings. I said goodbye, left breastmilk in a bottle and came back two hours later. Every Saturday. He got the hang of it and the questions stopped. The couple in this story will go crazy eventually (or maybe they already are!). Their second kid sure won't get 50/50 parenting!
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8-16-2007 @ 7:03PM
SKL said...I agree: whacked.
Unless she was just afraid to say, "how do I know your kid didn't pee in the sandbox?"
I don't believe both of them follow this rule. Maybe the mom does, and maybe she's scared of her husband, and maybe he beats the crap out of her when they are at home. Great for the child to see.
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8-16-2007 @ 9:06PM
ana said...My sister and her husband are this way.
When she was nursing her 3-month old baby, (who by all accounts was developing normally, no weight issues, and my sister had PLENTY of breast milk) the husband looks over at her and says "I think you've spent a little too much time on that breast. You need to switch"
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8-16-2007 @ 9:39PM
me said...Does the father have ovaries too? Was he doing 50% of the work in the labor and delivery room?
http://toocoolforschoolonline.blogspot.com/
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8-16-2007 @ 11:46PM
rebecca Biernesser said...I can understand not wanting to miss your child's first, but geez....
I would have had to laugh at my husband for even thinking that...all the long doing what I want...lol
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8-17-2007 @ 9:41AM
Pops said...@10
Get off it. The division of labor in labor never has been, and never will be, equitable. Dragging up that tired mantra as an excuse for the mother deserving more say in the child rearing is no more fair than a man getting a promotion over a woman simply because he has testicles.
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8-17-2007 @ 9:39AM
Rachel said...I bet the woman didn't want her child in the sandbox and was using her husband as an excuse. Diapers leak, people spit, cats use them for litter boxes. When my kids were that young, I was very particular about where and what they played with. What married person hasn't used their spouse as an excuse to get out of doing something they didn't want to do?
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8-17-2007 @ 2:32PM
Stephanie said...Sounds like an excuse to me. Either that or way too much worry about disagreeing on how to raise the baby. A little time in the sandbox is not going to hurt anything.
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9-02-2007 @ 7:14PM
*jenn* said...I can understand trying to save "firsts" for when both parents can be there. I took our son swimming for the first time when a friend was staying in a nearby hotel. my husband was devastated he missed that one. We try to do special things together, but I can't go as far as to say that I have to call him every time I want to do something with my son. that would be crazy.
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