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Are we teaching kids to fear men?
Filed under: Big Kids, Just For Dads, Health & Safety: Babies
A while back, I wrote about men in the UK shying away from volunteer work with children for fear of being labeled as pedophiles. Based on the comments I received, this isn't an uncommon fear.
Are we, as parents, teaching our children to fear men? This public service ad in Virginia has some people worried that we are. Intended to prevent sexual abuse, the billboard shows a male adult holding a child's hand with the caption "It doesn't feel right when I seem them together."
If Ellie saw that billboard, she wouldn't understand the message. But the sign isn't there for her benefit. "This campaign isn't targeting children," says Rebecca Odor of the Virginia Department of Heath. "This campaign is targeting adults in the community to learn the warning signs about child sexual abusers and to take an action step if they suspect something is wrong." The ad points you to a website with information about the warning signs of child sexual abuse.
But Peter Stearns, a professor at George Mason University, says male sexual predators seeking out children isn't all that common and this growing fear of men is unfounded. "You are talking about singling out a large group -- almost half the population -- for stuff that in fact involves a small number of people," he says.
If you were to see my husband holding hands with Ellie, you might think something was wrong. They don't look like they belong together - he is dark-skinned and she is very fair. He has become accustomed to the suspicious looks - and sometimes questions - he gets when they are out together. There is a part of me that feels grateful to strangers who are watching out for Ellie. But another part of me feels bad for my husband, and other men, who must constantly feel defensive of their right to be holding hands with a child in public.
Are we, as parents, teaching our children to fear men? This public service ad in Virginia has some people worried that we are. Intended to prevent sexual abuse, the billboard shows a male adult holding a child's hand with the caption "It doesn't feel right when I seem them together."
If Ellie saw that billboard, she wouldn't understand the message. But the sign isn't there for her benefit. "This campaign isn't targeting children," says Rebecca Odor of the Virginia Department of Heath. "This campaign is targeting adults in the community to learn the warning signs about child sexual abusers and to take an action step if they suspect something is wrong." The ad points you to a website with information about the warning signs of child sexual abuse.
But Peter Stearns, a professor at George Mason University, says male sexual predators seeking out children isn't all that common and this growing fear of men is unfounded. "You are talking about singling out a large group -- almost half the population -- for stuff that in fact involves a small number of people," he says.
If you were to see my husband holding hands with Ellie, you might think something was wrong. They don't look like they belong together - he is dark-skinned and she is very fair. He has become accustomed to the suspicious looks - and sometimes questions - he gets when they are out together. There is a part of me that feels grateful to strangers who are watching out for Ellie. But another part of me feels bad for my husband, and other men, who must constantly feel defensive of their right to be holding hands with a child in public.
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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 1)
8-28-2007 @ 1:49PM
Sandyone said...As usual, we've got good intentions but we're messing it up in the application. We shouldn't fear men, but we should respect the fact that the majority of sexual abusers are men. And I don't buy that crap that men aren't on the hunt for kids to abuse. The abusive men are doing exactly that. Anyone who denies it is just asking for trouble.
Men who take an interest in children are suspect. In a perfect world, it wouldn't be so, but this world is far from perfect. This doesn't mean we need to squint our eyes when we look at them. It means we should check our emotions and use our brains. Listen to our instincts, which are different than feelings. Watch the interaction and make the judgement of innocent or illicit.
There are signs of abuse and grooming for abuse. Everyone should know what they are and everyone should have their radar up for them. If you are well-informed and not-so-emotional about it, you'll be able to make a good call. You have to be willing to believe that that nice looking guy with the friendly manner really could be a monster. COULD BE, not IS.
Women who grab their children and either huff away or give the hairy eyeball to men who simply smile at their children are stupid. Well, they're acting stupidly. They're not protecting anyone from anything and they *are* teaching their kids something very dangerous.
Sandy, those people who give your husband looks aren't really looking out for Ellie. They're jumping to a conclusion. If they approached you with intent to discern the relationship or kept a careful eye on your husband and Ellie and then were reassured that the relationship is father-daughter, that would be looking out for her. If all they do is glare, they're just being nasty people. I certainly wouldn't count on them to protect anyone very well.
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8-28-2007 @ 3:28PM
Alice said...Yes, I do think that at least some people teach their children to fear men.
I babysat for a family about 5 years ago and the mother had obviously been filling her child's head full of all sorts of reasons to hate and fear men. It was amazing to me that she was even married. Anyway.....the child had an obvious and voiced opinion of why men were dangerous. It was really sad.
Protecting the Gift is a great book on the subject of who is really a danger to your children.
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8-28-2007 @ 3:45PM
RS said...I would like to add that another downfall (besides the obvious) of this way of thinking is that it further perpetuates the stereotype that only men sexually abuse children. Sexual abuse by women, while not as prevalent as abuse by men, is severely underreported because of the dominating image of abusers as male.
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8-28-2007 @ 9:00PM
Jennifer said...Hear Hear RS! The majority of abuse cases with a female perpetrator do go unreported, making me wonder how high the number really would be.
Yes, parents should be alert to the signs of grooming. I was abused as a child by a family member and hate the fact that my parents never had reason to suspect anything was wrong. I do wish there were more emphasis on watching for signs of grooming versus this idea of a the masked pedophile that comes and snatches your child. Sure, that happens, but not all that often. If it happened that frequently we wouldn't hear about it on national news every time it did. However, children being abused by people they love and trust happens daily.
My husband claims to have always felt the distrust of men with kids. He's an elementary school teacher. He did his practicum work with kindergarten aged children but couldn't get anyone to hire him. People always seemed suspicious about why he wanted to work with small children. He would talk about how careful he had to be while student teaching that there were witnesses in the room at all times (ie: a 5 year old girl needs help getting her jumper buckled after using the bathroom-he'd take her into the hallway into a public place to help her). He quickly learned that women were assigned teaching positions in the younger grades and that he was typically assigned to the older elementary grades.
I do think we fear men too much and that we emphasize 'stranger danger' far more than we should. I think if we act intelligently about who we leave our children with, for how long, and under what circumstances we'll be much better off than attaching them to our hip and never letting go.
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9-04-2007 @ 4:11PM
Anji said...Isn't this a bit silly? I mean, what paedophile is going to walk around in public holding hands with his victim? O_o
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