Would you admit you wanted a girl (or boy)?

by Jennifer Jordan (Subscribe to Jennifer Jordan's posts) Aug 29th 2007 11:58AM

Categories: Newborns, Pregnancy & Birth, Development

A reader made a comment on a recent post of mine that I thought was worth exploring. The comment was regarding how she didn't understand why some women would prefer to not have girls given that the mothers to be were girls themselves.

I'd been talking about how much testosterone was in my house now that I'm a boy mommy. I'd also mentioned that a friend had introduced me to that term when she'd said she'd really wanted a boy.

Many women, it seems, would prefer to have a boy over a girl. Or the other way around. And more and more it seems are sharing this information, even if they don't plan on finding out the sex of the baby.

In my post I'd said that while many people do have a preference most do not share it for the simple reason that they may not get what they wanted. I mean, it's not like we have control over the sex of our unborn child...yet.

Still announcements are being made to the left and right of me of who's having a baby now and what they want it to be. Some care, some don't. Some share, some don't. One friend of mine recently revealed that she and her husband want a girl but because they both do it's sure to be a boy. Not sure how that logic works out, but, whatever.

My parents both wanted a girl (at least that is what they tell me) and they got me. When I became pregnant my father made no bones about telling me he wanted it to be a girl--he said his reasoning for this was that he'd had so much fun with me as a kid. My mother wanted the baby to be a boy--she said it was because she'd already been through the process of having a girl and a boy would be different.

Would it? I guess in some ways yes, and others no. My friends have a baby girl who is four months older than my son and their lives seem essentially just like ours. When the babies hang out they seem pretty much the same, and the parents act the same too.

Yet some parents have a preference of sex. I really didn't--I swear--when I was pregnant. I just wanted a healthy baby. I know a lot of people say that because they don't want to reveal their choice.

My one friend who wanted the boy never admitted she'd wanted a boy until she knew the sex and told everyone. When I asked her why she just said she couldn't picture herself as a girl mommy. Of course now that she has a boy lately she's been thinking of a girl. So, it goes both ways.

Me? I could barely picture myself as mother to anyone, girl or boy. Once I knew the sex it made it easier to imagine myself as a mommy, but knowing the baby was a boy didn't change how I felt about the baby.

So I guess the real question is one of whether or not we should be so vocal about our desires. I'd hate to be the kid whose parents told everyone they wanted the opposite sex. Of course, I think most if not all parents simply adore their children, girls or boys, no matter what. They may start out wanting one sex over the other, but once that baby is in their arms none of that matters anymore. And, really, it never did.

Now that I've experienced having a boy, I have some feelings about the next time around (if I'm lucky enough to be able to add to my family). I love being a boy mommy, so if I get another boy I'll be on cloud nine. If I have a girl, though, that will be a totally different experience, just because she'll be my one and only little girl. And I'll be on cloud nine.

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Comments (17)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

ExpectingExecutive 8-29-2007 @ 12:21PM

I prayed for a boy! I was so relieved to know that I was having a boy. There are lots of reasons...most silly and unfounded but all the same...having a boy was my nightly first trimester wish.

Unashamed,

Erin
www.ExpectingExecutive.com

Joy 8-29-2007 @ 12:30PM

This is such a funny subject. I wanted boys both times and got two boys. Funny thing was my "reasoning" was that I was horrible as a child. I pouted, was moody, stole things, snooped at all my parents stuff........so on and on....my first born boy was JUST like I was. There goes my "reasoning"!!!! My second was easier, more laid back....Birth order?????? I now have three grandchildren, two boys and that middle one is a girl. Let me tell ou how I love having a girl now. I am close to both my boys but having a girl is sure different. They are VERY different. It's really fun to buy pink and do the "girl" things I never got to do. I'm really good with the boys as well as I raised two of them so life is good. I would have loved either I gave birth to but I "reasoned" a boy wouldn't be like I was. How WRONG I was.

mamaloo 8-29-2007 @ 12:45PM

When I was pregnant with my first, I secretly wanted a girl: someone to dress up and pass on my rebellious feminism to. Then Kieran was born and at first I was disappointed. I quickly came to realise that I liked having a boy so much more. I completely the whole pink/purple/princess junk that drives me around the bend and I'll never have to deal with sexually inappropriate clothing, makeup, cattiness...

Of course, I DO have to deal with inappropriate aggression and the whole machine love thing.

My second was a boy, too. It would have been nice to have one of each, but my two boys are great.

Mammacheryl 8-29-2007 @ 1:03PM

With my first, I didn't really have a preference, though I was thrilled and excited to have a boy. For my second, I most definitely had a preference. I wanted a girl. Ever since I can remember, I'd had dreams of having a daughter, and even though boys run on both sides of our families, I held out hope that I'd get a girl.

I never wished my son was a girl, though. He always felt "right" to me, like I was meant to have a son first. Now I'm having the girl of my dreams, and she'll be a wonderful addition to the family and the first biological granddaughter on both sides of the family.

We wouldn't have been very disappointed if we were having another boy. I believe in fate, and if I was supposed to just have sons at this stage in my life, I would have felt blessed regardless. And we always knew that if we were going to want children later, we'd adopt or become foster parents, and maybe that's when I'd finally get my dream daughter. :) I never had any requirements that she be biological.

Cheryl at http://redpens-diapers.blogspot.com

Ethel 8-29-2007 @ 1:12PM

For my first I really was okay with whatever sex the baby was going to be, but my husband surprised me. He has been saying, "It doesn't matter as long as we have a healthy baby" over and over until after the ultrasound at 20 weeks and we very much were going to have a boy. He had a huge grin on his face and said "Well, I am relieved - I just felt a first born should be a boy."

I really really really wanted a girl with the second pregnancy, and after the ultrasound I clung to the 20% chance we were still having a girl. I absolutely love my two boys but I want two mean little girls, I really do. I have heard it said over and over that boys are yours until they marry, girls are yours the rest of your life. Boys and girls are both great, but there is a different relationship with the two sexes, and I want both kinds of relationships.

Besides passing on my mitochondrial DNA... I may never have any more kids, and if we do they may be boys but that desire for a girl is there. Not to dress her in pretty things or to be feminine, but to be smart and strong and be what I see the women in my family as being in the definition that Jane Kirkpatrick of a virgin; an independent woman who supports herself. A gal that doesn't layer her meanings, and doesn't feel the need to. Who isn't interested in fulfilling gender stereotypes but getting things done. Who would be here becuase I wanted her to be herself as my child, not to please me or even to fulfill my aforementioned fantasy of what my daughter would be like. In short: I want a daughter to carry on my ass kicking female ways!

Sandyone 8-29-2007 @ 2:15PM

I had two boys and when I was expecting my third child, everyone, of course, asked, "Hoping for your girl, eh?" My answer? "I could have 15 boys and die a happy woman. Exhausted, but happy." I never wanted no stinkin' girls.

Fortunately, I don't get to make these decisions. I just take what I get and now I have three girls. Love them to death, even if they're girly girls and I'm a tomboy. I have also learned the truth to "boys grow up and leave their mommies...girls are forever". The mother-daughter relationship in the adult years can be such a beautiful thing and I'm really looking forward to it.

Now that I'm expecting my 6th, the girls are hoping for a girl, the boys are hoping for a boy. I really don't care, though my birth order is following my mother's and she had a boy for her 6th. That poor kid was mercilessly tormented by us older girls and seemed cut off from the two oldest boy children. I hope our family handles it better this time around.

I think everybody has a preference for a first-born, but I think it's great that it all works out in the end (unless you're Ernest Hemingway. That didn't have a very happy ending).

Jenna 8-29-2007 @ 4:09PM

When we were TTC this child, we "wanted" a girl because we have a boy. That said, we're having a boy and it just "fits" our family. I think that if most parents (not all, but most) are honest with themselves, they have a preference. Some won't voice it. Some will. The issue comes when parents let that preference interfere with their parenting.

No interference over here. BRING ON THE BOYS! :)

Jill 8-29-2007 @ 5:21PM

I didn't check the sex on the ultrasounds, but "knew" my first would be a girl. My son was a brief shock but I think I adjusted, (except for avoiding stores around Easter clothing time). With my second, I again "knew" that I was having a girl despite the fact that every detail of my pregnancy was the same. I thought I'd be fine regardless, but I think I'd set myself up. I ended up having PPD, partly I think, because of the loss of that dream. I have a great relationship with my mom (after teenage angst I'd hate to experience from the mom point of view) and I still mourn for that. My boys are great fun, but not very cuddly, sweet but... different. I see the difference when I have girls over to play. I won't be having a third, but I'll always be somewhat sad about it.

smdryad 8-29-2007 @ 6:21PM

I really wanted girls, several of them. I have two boys. I cried when I saw the ultrasound with the first. With the second I didn't really care. I said, "That's fine, that means we get to have more than two." It was hard during the first pregnancy though. I always planned if I had a boy (after having some girls, LOL) to name him James and call him Jamie. When I looked at the meaning of the name I found it was a derivative of Jacob, meaning supplanter. I was kind of bitter about the whole thing. I was kind of hoping the ultrasound was wrong, but I could see for myself it was unlikely. I love my son, even if he is a very difficult child and he drives me nuts sometimes. I agree with the poster that said that isn't so much about boy or girl, it's personality. My younger one is easier. I do hear a lot of women saying they don't want girls, they are whiny, moody, whatever. But I think if you allow that behavior to get them what they want, that is the behavior you will see. I don't have a girl though so I'm no expert. We are trying for a girl now, hopefully it will happen soon. My younger son is 3 and I feel it's time for a new baby in the house. I dream of a little girl, but if it is another boy, well I just hope I can convince dh to try for a 4th baby, LOL.

Jen
http://www.squidoo.com/safecleaning

Stacey 8-29-2007 @ 6:47PM

With my first I wanted a boy...I got a girl :) Then wth the next I wanted a girl since I already knew how to "do" girl. I got a boy. With my third I wanted another girl for the sister bond and my daughter wanted a sister too. I got another boy. With those it was all good. But with our surprise 4th I REALLY wanted another girl and so did my daughter. At the U/S we both cried when it was yet again another boy. He's 2 1/2 now and I of course love him to pieces but if I'm honest with myself I still sometimes mourn the loss of that last little girl.

Eva 8-29-2007 @ 8:40PM

I have some issues about boys and was really worried I would have one. Thank goodness I had my little princess!

Sabrina 8-29-2007 @ 11:49PM

With my first I really wanted a girl, and the night before my ultrasound I spent crying because I was thinking "What if it's a boy and I'm a horrible mother because I really wanted a girl? What if I can't love him?" and all that lovely hormonal stuff. She was a girl, and I was relieved. With #2 I assumed (and we all know that assumed makes an --- out of you and me!!) that we would have another girl because of DH's job and the radiation levels there, almost everyone has girls. Shockingly we had a boy, and we love him so much! I'm glad he was a boy, I have one of each and our family feels complete!

maria 8-30-2007 @ 1:16PM

When I was pg w/#1 - both DH and I wanted a girl. I don't know why - but we did. We got a boy and man oh man was (and is) he a lot of fun. I just had no idea that boys were so much fun. W/#2 I really wanted a boy and got another boy and w/#3 - well I didn't know what I wanted. Everyone assumed I wanted a girl and that felt a little disloyal. Well, then I found out I was having a girl and thought - I don't know what to do w/a girl. And I got one w/curls and I can't even do my own hair. But we are having fun learning and I couldn't be happier. I tell my oldest that story often - how I wanted a girl but when I got him I learned how much fun boys were. He seems to enjoy it.

DaniGirl 9-05-2007 @ 2:50PM

Well, I just found out yesterday I'm having my third boy in February. Although I never really made a secret out of the fact that I wanted a girl, I did feel bad about saying it out loud, or especially blogging about it. I would hate for the child to be reading the blog archives one day and think that I didn't want him because I wanted a girl - even though an adult could rationalize that it's far more complex than that. While I mourn the loss of the idea of a daughter (we're definitely "done" after this baby), I still celebrate the idea of another boy to love.

Michele W 9-02-2007 @ 9:28PM

I wanted a girl for the first couple of weeks until I thought about how my mother and I fought and how I was when I was a kid and I cried! After that I prayed I wanted a boy. Plus I was never a girlie girl, I grew up with an uncle that was only 4 years older than me so we were like brother and sister so I was a tom boy. I did not want some prissy little girl. My husband did not care nor did anyone else but I was 100% I better have a boy. We picked a boy and a girl name out right away. At my 18 week sonogram ( the first one ) I prayed that we could see what the baby was. As soon as the lady put the thing to my stomache she said " do you want to know what it is" and I actually got sick to my stomach hoping it was not a girl. When she said a boy I yelled YES! THANK GOD ! THANK YOU THANK YOU!! my husband and mother looked at me like I was crazy but I really did not want a girl. Since I got my boy and he was the easiest baby ever! He did everything by himself, gave up his bottle, gave up his pacifier everything by himself. I swore I would not have another one because I know #1 the child would be the complete opposite and be horribly hard on everything and #2 it would be a girl because I always say I did not want a girl, I would of cried if I had a girl. I did not want a girl just like me but I can honestly say as easy as my son was he is exactly like me!

Tracy R. 9-03-2007 @ 6:03PM

I can honestly say I am one of the few people
I know that never cared what sex their child was
going to be (I have 5.

To me, having a healthy baby is more significant
than its genitalia.

jenn 9-04-2007 @ 3:40AM

I had always wanted a boy. Maybe because I was a difficult child and I knew I would get it back through karma. Therefore I was determined I was carrying a girl. There were all of these "girl" feelings. then the ultrasound day came and it was a boy. Spreading his legs and showing off the glory. I was so EXCITED!

Everyone who I know who has a girl and a boy says that boys are easier. easier how? I don't know, but they say just easier.