School success starts at home

by Christina Sbarro (Subscribe to Christina Sbarro's posts) Aug 31st 2007 10:04AM

Categories: Toddlers, Preschoolers, Kids 5-7, Development, Education

At the beginning of each new school year I'm always struck by how significantly parents impact their child's success--socially and academically every day. Children certainly bring their own unique stamp to the world, but parents play a significant role in the way this is manifest. The kids I teach are directly the result of the parents who raise them.

Children learn by watching and by doing, rather than by being told. They do, rather than analyze. They live through their emotions.. They are in the world, and of it, not removed from it. They are not capable of analytical reasoning the way adults are. They absorb. They watch, and follow suit.

When I am kind and gentle, and I celebrate the positives in my classroom, I notice the children trying harder to be kind and gentle with each other. They attempt to replicate the positive behaviors I point out. When I am punitive, and focus on the negative behaviors, I watch the class become a group of exasperated, nagging kids who tattle on each other and routinely enact negative attention-getting behaviors.

But it is a delicate, and sometimes difficult task to seek out the positives, and to reward them, when, during the first few weeks of school, the children test boundaries and resort on the negative behaviors they may have acquired at home.

Every year, I can see how the bases are loaded from the get go. I can see difference between the kids who sit down for dinner with their families and the kids who do not. The kids who play board games at home, and the kids who don't. The kids who regularly read with their parents and the kids who do not. The kids for whom TV is a regular babysitter, and the kids for whom TV is a monitored and limited pastime. And mostly, I can tell which kids have boundaries at home, and which do not.

So much is evident in the way they care for materials and classmates. The way they take turns and say thank you, or grab and push; the way they sit down with books--thumbing through them listlessly, or deeply engaging with the pictures even if they cannot read the text.

At the end of the day, everything comes back to this: the children who have adults at home who set boundaries, regularly engage in mealtimes, games and reading together, and who limit television to an hour or less per day, are the kids who are socially and academically competent right of the bat. They still may have individual learning and developmental differences or delays, but overall, they are well-rounded children who understand how to engage their peers, and recognize that learning is something deeply important and meaningful.

Yet every year there are always a handful (or more) of children who lack this support or modeling at home. They come to school empty handed. They have less skills, less empathy, and less understanding. They start the year making up for a deficit.

And every year I can't help wondering, how hard is it, truly, to sit down with your child and read before bed? Share a meal together? Play a game? Turn off the TV?

Comments (20)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)

Eva 8-31-2007 @ 10:40AM

This was a great post, thanks. I am doing my best with my toddler to start these good habits early. No TV, high nutrient meals, lots of interaction.

Caelligh 8-31-2007 @ 11:36AM

It almost sounds like the reason you wish more parents were more involved with their kids is because it would make your job easier.

Not that any of your suggestions aren't worthwhile - but they're worthwhile for their own sake. Parents shouldn't bend over backwards trying to train their kids for school. Do we want to churn out obedient worker-drones or creative, critical thinkers?

caitlin 8-31-2007 @ 12:52PM

I did 3/4 of a day in workstudy my senior year working in my mom's first grade classroom, and I'll agree that there is a noticeable difference between the kids with involved parents.

I don't see training for school as a bad thing, if you're not going by rote. If you want a critical thinker, you have to teach them what questions to ask and how to find those answers, as well as encourage them to be interested enough in the world around them to be curious about it.

For instance, when we read, I will ask "What do you think will happen next?", "Why do you think that happened?", "What you would do?" or "Could this happen at our house?". I also try to get him to put things in his own words, rather than have him repeat what I just said.

Math and science really go well together, because young kids don't need to be able to write out number sentences or equations, but they need math words to help describe their predictions and observations. I want my son to be interested enough in the world to see something happen, make an educated guess as to what comes next, and then be curious enough to wonder why or why not his prediction was a correct one. I also want him to be curious enough to wonder if this works, will something similar work or if something didn't work, what will work?

DaMoKi Bob 8-31-2007 @ 1:39PM

Caelligh,

I had to take a moment and consider the merits of this response albeit negative it will begin… Ok I thought about it, “What are you, an IDIOT?” I had to read the posts over again to see if I missed what you apparently thought you saw. Your total freedom, lack of discipline, no preparation, let others to it all approach to parenting is exactly what contributes to creating the problems about which Ms. Sbarro writes.

I take it you believe kids will do just as well in school if prepared by a pack of wolves vs. parents who give a hoot!

Ok, now I feel better.

You talk from both sides of your mouth with your reverse complement: “Not that any of your suggestions aren't worthwhile - but they're worthwhile for their own sake.” A classic slap-in-the-face to follow a complement with the word “but”, and I am not exactly sure what it meant anyway. I really can’t figure what you are concerned about: kids doing well in school, the demands on parental planning, cooking supper, missing sitcom reruns, reading stories, spending time with your kid, setting a good example, being a parent, local school taxes, et al.

And, yes, parents should bend over backwards for their kids (a point upon which we don’t agree), and they should do it not as a preparation for school, but as a preparation for adulthood. You must be one of those who believe the line “It takes a village to raise a child.” and prefer to leave most of the job to the rest of the villagers. In reality, the correct (yet not as politically usable) assessment is: It takes a village to raise children, but, it takes a parent to raise a child. On this point, if you look out to sea from the end of the dock, you will see the boat sailing away.

Regarding your question about “obedient worker-drones” vs. “creative critical thinkers” Hmmm… just can’t make up my mind, “I’ll take what’s behind door number two, Johnny!” This is one of those tag statements with no real choice about which the author is so proud because (they think) it paints others into a corner (sort of like my 2nd paragraph). You should spend a little time in a library or talking with other people or something.

Finally, your accusation about Ms. Sbarro being self-serving has merit, and I hope it is true, because she should be. Look, I am not an obedient, worker-drone supporter of teachers, their unions, their agenda, or their products. However, they have a mixed yet generally dedicated membership charged with a difficult task: presenting a mass of information to a mass of minds while in a mess of a system. If parents, bending over or not, through their actions with their children can make that job more effective, they should do it for the teachers, for themselves, for the kids, and for the entire village.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think you owe her an apology.

Joy 8-31-2007 @ 2:16PM

Hooray for you DaMoKi Bob....I couldn't have said it better myself. I agree with you totally.

Nicola 8-31-2007 @ 2:24PM

Re comment #2. Yes, of course it would make her job easier if all of the children arrived at school eager, well socialized, polite, and ready to learn. But, that's not the point of the post. We are being given, from a teacher's experienced point of view, some hints about how we might best prepare our children for success in school, and from there, success in life. The same skills are relevant in both. Parents are not being asked to "bend over backwards trying to train their kids for school", but rather to bend over backwards in the efforts to raise well adjusted, intelligent, happy, and productive people. Period. School is just the first step in the journey.

Caelligh 8-31-2007 @ 5:11PM

When I wrote “Not that any of your suggestions aren't worthwhile - but they're worthwhile for their own sake,” I meant only that. I agree it's good to read to your children, to maintain boundaries, to limit their TV exposure, etc. But in my opinion, the reason those are good things doesn't have anything to do with school performance.

I've just seen a number of articles recently proposing ways to help your child succeed in school - when I'm more concerned about helping my child succeed in life, in happiness. I've heard things that lead me to believe that some people are more concerned with the well-being of the schools than of the children...as if the children serve the school instead of the other way around (i.e. "But how will the bad schools ever improve if parents keep transferring their kids to better schools?"). I'm particularly skeptical when I hear this sort of talk from within the system. But I don't know Ms. Sbarro, so I'll retract my questioning of her motives.

I would never leave the job of raising my child "to the rest of the villagers." That's one reason I plan on homeschooling.

~Monica 8-31-2007 @ 7:23PM

Caelligh,

With all due respect, what the hell? Did you have such a bad experience with the public school system that you have become focused on putting it down even if your put-downs make absolutely no sense whatsoever?

Public schooling *or* homeschooling (it does not matter) children benefit from consistent structure and parental interaction. It doesnn't even have to have anything to do with schooling, it's about growing up in a healthy happy home. It would seem that you're so against the public schooling system that you'd rather radically go in the opposite direction to the extreme - whatever the public school system sees value in, I'll do the opposite. Again, what the hell?

That being said, I absolutely loved this post by Christina. My Mom retired from a long stint at teaching elementary grades in the public school system and I know she would agree with everything you mentioned. It's common sense that all children benefit from a classroom full of well-adjusted kids, not just the teacher. Imagine, actually being able to focus on learning and getting their work done in a non-disrupted environment, getting everything the need to get done and having extra time to do fun stuff. That's how school should be.

I'm looking forward to reading more posts on this topic Christina. Even though my son is just 2 years old, I know that he would benefit greatly if I made a special meal for us each night that we would both eat together at the same time. It's another opportunity to bond. I've been bad with often cooking up a highly nutritious meal for *him* while I stand and nibble on snacks while cleaning the kitchen - I should really take the time to sit and eat with him more often. My parents did that every single night of our childhood no matter what - and it made me feel like our family was really well put together ; )

Thanks again for the great post!

http://www.raisinglucas.com

Sandy Maple 8-31-2007 @ 8:33PM

Thanks for that great post! Most parents don't get to see what you see in the classroom and I think your insight is invaluable.

brandi 9-01-2007 @ 2:08AM

Ha Ha I can't help but laugh here, for several reasons, one here is an article about well rounded well behaved kids adn the adults commenting on it are name calling.. sorry the irony of it all has me a little tickled. What can I say find things funny but really thats all you can do. Also I have been reading this blog for awhile now and sometimes I can't help but feel that its a little more geared towrds the moms that totally breastfeed, use cloth diapers, and all things organic, and have something educational planned for their children every second of the day and never ever get upset adn simply ask the children to go play. Sometimes I even feel as if some while not out right saying it are saying in essence that those parents not doing all the above are horrible terrible parents whom should lose their kids. Personally, I think if its a parenting blog it should be supportive of all parents even those that don't parent by type.. wow unitl that post on parenting methods I didnt know there was such a thing. I thought you just parented the best way that works for you and your child. As for the line about seriously how hard can it be? Well, while I agree i think maybe that line comes off a tad pushy, for instance you may not know whats going on in the home, and perhaps one parent handles things on e way and another parents handles things another way. Not everyone has a super supportive spouse, that cleans and cook s and helps with the kids some people have to do it all by them selves with very little to no help from someone else, or there could be other things going on. Also, as for negative behavior they may not have picked it up from home necsessarily and it could have been picked up from a peer. ever thought of that? You mention positive reinforce ments which is what my sons kindergarten is doing and on the home visit I made it a point to find out exactly how it worked so that what we were doing at home was in line with that at school, lucky for us it wasn't much different, except for at school they recieve clothes pins on their school after too many negative behaviors and here he sits in a special chair by himself in a part of the hallway that has nothing around... and I even talked this over with the teacher. However you talk about negative children but then theres this hint of a negative undertone when it come to parents that in your opinion and a little bit of assumption aren't up to snuff as far as parents go. Okay so I proably jumped around a bit but thats my two cents. I'll try to keep looking for a parenting community that supports parents of all styles and choices without condemming them to hades for not making the *right* desicions and choices that the gods of parenting on here feel they should have. I am now stepping down off my soap box. I just want somewhere to talk with people who understand what it's like to be a parent and juggle all sorts of things going on in their lives sadly I'm beginning to feel that parentdish isn't that place.

DaMoKi Bob 9-01-2007 @ 2:50AM

Caelligh,

Hold on for just a second please, I just read Brani's post.

Brandi, it would be sad to lose you from the conversation, but if you want to avoid disagreement and insist on global acceptance of how children are to be raised, maybe you would be happier on a blog where the coffee cluch set sit around hold hands, and sing 60's folk songs and such. People care. They want to improve the situation and sometimes names get called, but, almost always they work it out, and the discussion moves on. I have observed most contributors are considerate and polite... to a point. I am reminded of the old saying, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." And the hard part is this is an emotional subject and people do get excited, that combined with the fact that the hardest thing in the world is to teach someone something they think they already know, leaves us with various levels of contention. Everyone wants to be right, that's why we argue, and that's how we learn. Hope you stay.

Thanks for waiting Caelligh....

Kudos for your retraction, Ok, you are not an idiot, only misunderstood. But, that’s ok, aren’t we all?

I agree that the things you listed are good on their own, but we pass like ships in the night on their relationship to school performance. Consider this: if all children in a class are unruly and possess no inclination toward group civility, would not the aggregate effect be to retard the overall educational opportunity for any one individual and the group as a whole? (Hint: the answer is not no) On the other hand, if those children exhibit a developing degree of empathy and respect for the wants and needs of others and an unending thirst for learning, would you expect the class to hum along like a well tuned Evinrude pushing a bass boat over a glass smooth lake just at sunrise on a brisk summer… uuuhhh, never mind…sorry, had a flash back.

My point is, when a group is subject to distraction, the efficiency of purpose is always reduced, and it only takes one or two exhibiting anti-social behavior to produce a negative spike in the curve. I believe your list of parental efforts will produce children on the good behavior side of the equation, and in so doing, they will serve the group effort more than distract from it. This is not to say I wish for the robotic knee-jerkers you warned about, but, I do think there is a need for a common focus in the educational arena. A class without it sucks; with it… well, to quote Monica above, “That’s how school should be.”

In that light, I share you concern about the focus of lots of members of the teaching club (see my first comment for hints). It seems there are times the care and feeding of the administrators and staff (including teachers) is the first priority. When questioned or challenged, the ranks close and the “We just want what is best for the children” speeches abound. If you try to get one dismissed for being just plain incompetent, good damn luck, because the ranks on that issue slammed shut a long time ago. And if you know what is good for you, use the word “merit” only in whispered tones and with strangers far, far away from the school yard. Well, enough about that, mostly because it is not on point, and I’ve had that discussion too many times.

I know there are many great children who are home schooled, and you seem capable and concerned at a level appropriate for just that. So, I wish you lots of luck in your endeavor. However, since it is close to recess, I am confused about two statements you made which seem to occupy opposing seats on the educational teeter-totter. First you referenced a query about how could “bad schools” ever improve if parents keep transferring their kids to “good schools”? Then later you commit to educating your kids in what you surely think is a good school in your home, What’s that about?

Maybe I just misunderstood.

nicolebarber 9-01-2007 @ 8:41AM

Children go to school to learn, and when children are being disruptive it takes away from the children who want to learn. Education is the key to success in life.

But I have to disagree a little too. I think all types of kids can be disruptive, Just like placing a bunch of different personalities in a room and kids have personalities. Depending on the moon, kids like fighting, he said she said games, a new one the boyfriend girlfriend thing ( that freaks me out mostly I should have never taught my son his phone number).

I can have only so much control over my child, I would hope he would do the right thing and remember his manners when out of my site but I also think it's part of the teachers responsibilities to put her foot down on whats not
allowed, as well as both of our jobs to get our children pumped up for learning.

brandi 9-01-2007 @ 9:19PM

Dakomi Bob thanks for your comment but I dont think a 60's hand holding whatever you suggested would be wuited for me. I understand caring about something and while I totally agree with what the post is about, as in parents should take a more active approach to their childs education, having a college fund for your kid will do no good if you dont provide them with the tools to use it effectively. I do feel though that the post could have been more useful if instead of saying don't do this or that and instead gave examples of good games and such to play with their kids as christin is a school teacher and may be able to give better ideas to games like what games and by doing so may give you a better idea for something your already doing. Instead of focusing only on the negative, like what your not doing or what your doing wrong. I feel this way for several reasons......A)No one is going to listen if you put them on the defensive right off the bat, B) I still find it ironic to talk about negative and positive impacts on kids and then use only the negative, unless that was a clever way of giving an example, C) perhaps some people need a few helpful ideas to get them started, not that they dont care just might not have the tools needed, not everyone is creative in that way. I would love for a teacher to give me good ideas for helping my son with school, so I asked his teacher on the home visit, and it turns out I was alittle ahead of myself as I had been doing hooked on phonics, and while she was thrilled she also pointed out that not all parents do these things and therefor she has to start all the kids off on the same level and if your kid is too far ahead they will simply be bored! I would have to agree with nicolebarber on controlling kids, yes to a point it is the responsibility of the parents to teach their kids how to behave but you can only do soo much as to enforce this behavior when they are not with you.

Caelligh 9-02-2007 @ 2:39AM

@DaMoKi Bob
I was quoting "But how will the bad schools ever improve if parents keep transferring their kids to better schools?" as an example of how some people worry more about the welfare of schools than of the students. I was not making that out to be a legitimate concern.

DaMoKi Bob 9-02-2007 @ 1:19PM

Nichole and Brandi,

Thanks for your comments...I will get back to you later. Currently, I only have time for a short one, because I have to plant some… well, plants.

Caelligh,

Oh, ok! My focus is on parental authority and responsibility as they relate to their children (except, of course, when I digress).

I am reminded of the concept of the Gordian Knot when I think about the complexities of parenting, schooling, administrating, voting, and these funny pin-point pains above my right temple. We need people to think about the nature, health, and future of the school system and the students: the two tend to go hand in hand. The parent's job is to primarily focus on the child behavior aspect of the puzzle, but, they still need to attend to the others in varying degrees.

Not doing so would sort of be like preparing your kid to go out to play and not checking to see if there is a mouth-foaming pit bull in your yard.

So I agree many parents excessively focus on school and teacher concerns as compared to the need for more directed at children's behaviors. But, surely you agree it is a legitimate priority issue for parents at some level. Many of the parents who transfer kids believe their kids problems are 100% the result of the school and its teachers. They are in denial, and deeply involved in chasing the proverbial horse which escaped from the family barn. Then again, sometimes it is a crappy school and they are just trying to hedge their kid’s bets. But, what do they do when the school district restricts transfers… what do they do?

Dawn 9-03-2007 @ 7:34PM

Sbarro,
Thank you for your comments. I,too, am a Kindergarten teacher...a 16 year veteran in a Title 1 school. I agree whole-heartedly that there is a measurable difference between those who engage their children in a meaningful way and those that do not, for whatever reason. I, too, am a working Mom and know how hard it is to try to fit everything in. Certainly, things get missed, and that is OK.The desire to do the very best I can is always there. It's true, that even with the most well behaved students there are distractions. Each child has a distinct personality and like anywhere else, you put that many personalities in one room for the length of a school day, distraction happen. I'm not sure if distraction is really what Sbarro was refering to. Any decent teacher can handle situations like that and get his/her class back on track. It's the constant off task behavior created by lack of exposure to basics. More and more we are getting children coming to school who can not recognize their own name, can not distinguish colors, have very limited language skills and vocabulary. I actually had a boy in my class 2 years ago who couldn't identify a picture of a duck in a book. You tell me how this boy is expected to learn to read with such a deficit of basic knowledge. After 16 years, these children aren't even the difficult ones to teach. They are the most rewarding. The true difficulty is in those children who lack basic social skills. On a daily basis, the lack the self respect and respect for others to actually function in a room, any room, with others is overwhelming. I can't imagine it's any better at their home, either. I have 5 year olds that absolutely, without a doubt, rule the roost at home. Parents, I'm sure, have their own agenda on this, but I'd like to say that parents are not doing their children any favors. Not every child is gonna be a scientist or doctor, etc., but every child must become a functioning part of society with respect to our rules and laws. Those lessons begins in childhood, at home.
When I was a child, it never would occur to me to be disrespectful to an adult... to tell them to shut up or sass them. If I had, I surely would have caught hell at home. These days, a child acts out and instead of punishing the child, parents are on the phone to the teacher questioning our motives and making excuses for their children, like we have nothing better to do with our time but to lie about a child's behavior. Let's get real Moms and Dads. You are the adult...lay the ground rules. Your kids don't need you to be their "friend." They have plenty of those. Be reasonable and fair and above all else, be consistent! If you are like some others here that believe we should not be training our children to robotic drones and training them for school, I'm with you on half of that. I don't want Stepford Students. I love the creativity and diverseness of my students. School, however, is an inevitable part of life. If they're not in public school and you're home schooling, that's fine too. Just keep in mind, some day, each child will have to live with rules and will be expected to get along with a diverse group of others... in college and during 40+ years in the workforce. How long will one hold a job if he/she can't or won't do what their boss says??? I apologize if I ranted. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

DaMoKi Bob 9-04-2007 @ 2:00PM

Dawn,

I think you have your head on straight as a caring, competent teacher. You seem to be mired in the Gordian Knot I referred to in one of my comments above.

My contention is parents set their children up for quitting and failure, then gripe toward everyone else when things go wrong. Apparently they need to believe they are right, more than learn to be successful as a parent. It's what I refer to as the "Arrogance of Ignorance", and it is often passed on from one generation to the next because parental effects are so powerful.

All you can do is hang in there while doing the best you can... thanks for the effort!

Cindy 9-05-2007 @ 3:00AM

I think that it's short sighted to make the assumption that if a child exhibits behaviors that are unruly or display social deficiencies that there must be some fault with the parents. To assume that if my child acts in some certain way, it must mean that I don't read to him or eat meals with him. As an educator you should know better. Oh how I desperately wish you knew better.

If you met my child, at first glance you might think he was "normal", but spend some time with him and see his behaviors and you would probably assume that we are terrible parents because he does have social issues and he often doesn't "get" the rules. That said, we read no less than 10 books to him every day and most days it's more than that, we eat lunch and dinner together as a family every single day, we goes to recreational classes 2 to 3 times per week, his television consumption is heavily monitored and restricted, I never get a moment off during play dates to sit and talk with other parents because I am constantly negotiating and trying to teach my child the social skills he will need to navigate in a world filled with people who will judge him based on a few hour’s worth of observation. These judgments will affect who he is and who he will become and that makes me sad because there's no escaping people like you in our society and I wish I could protect him, but I know that I can't. Just look at how many stood up to applaud you in this thread alone. Those are the same people snooting down their nose at me whenever he acts up in a store and assume that it must be because of our faulty parenting.

Get some education, do some research and open your mind to the possibility that behavior difficulties in children aren't all the result of bad parenting.

Cindy 9-05-2007 @ 3:02AM

Please forgive the above typos. :)

DaMoKi Bob 9-06-2007 @ 1:09AM

Cindy,

You make a valid point, and bless you and your efforts. I cannot speak to the comments of others herein, but when most people write things in this arena, they are addressing situations 1) with which they are familiar, and 2) referencing the norms. I may not agree with everything I have read here, but I have not seen a lot of evil or ill intent.

Your situation is outside most peoples' experience and so being, is not normally addressed or accounted for in their interpretation of events.

That is unfortunate, but, I guess the problem is, according to you, that your son's behaviors are similar, yet unintended, to those of an undisciplined child. I ask the following with the best of expectations and intentions: have you explored the idea that your constant intervention may be holding him back too, at least in some way or in some areas.

I appreciate your words and the education offered, but you are in fact the carrier of the responsibility to ensure his teachers are aware of the extent of his problem, and the best way to approach it as far as you know. Most teachers would appreciate the heads-up and try to accommodate his situation.

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