The morbid thoughts of Motherhood

Filed under: Just For Moms, Toddlers Preschoolers

I have day surgery scheduled for tomorrow and all I can think about is that I might die. That Nolan might be left Motherless. And it's ridiculous, and I do it all the time.

I've always had a tendency to obsess, to create furrows in my forehead conjure thoughts of doom by pondering all kinds of useless worst-case scenarios: horrific plane crashes, devastating breakups, strange diseases. A stomach ache could become a rare kind of debilitating pneumonia that would slowly kill me like closing-in-elevator doors. I remember actually lying awake one night considering the possibility that my tiredness (while logically caused by working two full-time jobs and caring solo for a toddler) was possibly chronic fatigue syndrome and maybe, yes, probably early onset Alzheimer's. I am paranoid and hypochondriac, and also just a complete stress bag. Awesome! It's a good thing I don't market myself here.

Anyway, I have found that since Nolan's birth, my worries about ridiculous things have shifted. I don't worry about car crashes or nuclear war as much as I worry about being away from Nolan, about something happening to me in that time. I've had to be on airplanes a handful of times since he was born, for various reasons, and I actually wrote down my last wishes every time, considered every grim possibility. And it's odd, because it's like a DVD in my head that is stuck on auto-play. I can't turn it off, this fear. I worry about Nolan, of course, but I worry about what might happen to him if something might happen to me just as much.

I was talking to a friend about this the other night -- a veteran Mother.
"Before a woman becomes a Mom, her greatest fear is that she'll lose her great love,"she said,"And after she becomes a Mom, she fears that her great love will lose her."

Huh. Is that true for you, too?

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AdviceMama Says:
Start by teaching him that it is safe to do so.