This might sound like a "trick", but perhaps it will help you to get to the truth? Is there something that is so irresistable to her that she can't help but eat it (such as a sweet treat)? Perhaps you can pack just that, or that along with her favorite lunch things and see if she eats that regardless of the messy eaters in front of her. That might help her to see a way of getting past the messy eaters. Perhaps you've already tried this.....

I just suggested it, because I found that my daughter will eat the healthy foods I pack for her, unless I pack a really great treat, at which time she eats only that and nothing else. It seems to "shake up" the standard lunch time routine. She is also in 1st grade in a new school, eating lunch at school for the first time.

Reply

I suggest you work with her on learning techniques to shut out things she does not want to see, hear, and think about. This is actually a very useful life skill. Growing up in a family with three boys and three girls, I would have starved if I didn't learn how to block out my sister falling asleep in her mashed potatoes with her mouth still full, my brothers having food fights of the most disgusting order, and babies gleefully spitting and smearing their food while pooping. The same ability was helpful when I wanted to read while the others wanted to watch cartoons, bang on the piano, and have a pillow fight. (I shared a bed with two siblings, so it's not like I had a private space). In class, it was helpful when some of the boys were acting up. At work, it's very helpful as the men around me always feel the need to holler into the phone all day. In short, Ellie needs to learn this and now is a good time to start. Skipping lunch on a regular basis is really not acceptable, and being separated from her classmates over this would be even worse.

Your lunch lady is nice. When I was a kid, our lunch lady had power second only to God and never asked parents whether it was OK to wield it. "Don't tell me your milk is spoiled - drink it right here and right now! What?? You stuffed your poorly-prepared vegetables into your milk carton? No recess for you!"

Reply

Another suggestion: while she is working on transitioning to eating in the lunchroom, you might want to pack food that is really easy on the stomach - just to improve her odds of success . . . .

Reply

I agree that you need to work on teaching her ways to tune out stuff that bothers her. I have a lot of similar issues -- things that are not quite right really distract me, like crooked pictures, or uneven numbers of things, or venetian blinds that aren't even at the bottom, etc. But being distracted by stuff like that makes it REALLY hard to live a normal life and you've got to get past it. She's young, and so I think it'll be easier for her to learn to ignore bothersome stuff than it was for me as an adult.

You might even start by encouraging her to eat messily herself -- make it fun. Make a messy food for dinner like spaghetti and encourage her to laugh and eat it with her hands and stuff. Do it yourself and laugh and see if she can follow suit and see it as something fun instead of something upsetting. In other words, try to get her to lighten up about this, and, barring that, talk to a psychologist or your family physician about some techniques you could try to teach your daughter how to talk herself out of being upset or distracted by them (which is what I do -- I notice myself being distracted and resist the urge to fix whatever it is that is "wrong," instead intentionally talking myself out of letting it bother me and then refocusing myself on something more important. But I can't exactly describe how I learned how to do this, whereas I think a physician or psychologist probably could!)

Good luck!

Eating by herself at lunch isn't a good solution -- she needs to learn how to be around messy people socially, because they are everywhere!

Reply

It seems like something else is going on with your child. Especially since she apparently lied about being in an assigned seat. Is it possible that she is uncomfortable eating in front of boys? When puberty hit, I avoided eating in front of boys. The only way I would eat is when I was with girls. \

Reply

I have been thinking and thinking about this. I was a "lunch lady" for 12 years and loved my job. I was more the "outside" lady. The kids had 30 minutes to eat and had to sit inside for 10. The boys ate very fast so they could get outside to play. A lot of the girls stayed inside rather than play out at all. It was their choice. I have to say right up front that the more attention you bring to this, the worse it will get but she's got to eat. The days are to long. The thing is when you go to eat lunch with her, you will not see what's really going on. Those boys will be like angels. I would suggest if you want to do that you try and watch where your not seen. The person in charge sounds really nice. Maybe if Ellie wanted to switch seats if they sit by her, they would allow that. We didn't let the kids wander around but if she knew what the deal was.......You also don't want the boys to know how much this is upsetting her either or they'll do it till they graduate. She does have to learn to eat with everything going on around her but this seems so young. I liked Meg's suggestion about the messy spaghetti dinner. You never know. Be sure to let us know how this plays out and try and remember not to make it a huge, big deal.

Reply

I think the above posters are right. She needs some techniques to help make lunch with slobs ok. Maybe she can prop her lunchbox up to block her view. Maybe she can angle herself away from direct view of a slob. You may need to actually practice these techniques with her at home. I think silly, messy meals with her at home is a great idea. I also think some calming techniques are in order so she can talk herself down. Keep the communication gates open and talk about everything going on. You're on the right track.

Reply

While you do need to teach your daughter skills that help her to funcion in the real world, despite things that make her unusually uncomfortable, you also need to recognize that these feelings of anxiety are real.

I would start by telling the lunch lady and the teacher to make sure that she is seated in a place that is comfortable for her. This way she eats lunch. Then assure them that you will work with her at home to help her overcome her anxiety over messy eaters.

You have to ballance the idea of just telling a child what is acceptable behavior and what your expectations are, with assuring the child that you recognize the feelings are real. By ensuring that someone takes responsibility for ensuring that she has a safe/comfortable place to eat, you send the message that you care. Then by working on it at home, you send the message that despite your acknowledgement of her feelings, that she needs to overcome those feelings.

Reply

I was an anxious kid, too, and I remember the cramped quarters, mixed smells, loud sounds and general chaos of the cafeteria totally freaking me out. Ellie might also be a little stressed about the "open" seating arrangement - where and with whom you sit in the cafeteria can be a big deal, socially. Perhaps this is stressing her out a little? That kind of social stress, combined with the smells and (lack of) manners around her could be putting her off her food. As the mom of a highly sensitive kid myself, I can *totally* see my daughter having this kind of problem in this kind of situation. I feel for Ellie.

Reply

Many children don't eat their school lunch and are none the worse for it. I have to agree with the reader who commented that the more attention you give this, the worse it will become. Be aware that many children learn to throw their lunch in the garbage tin so they can fool their parents into thinking they have eaten their lunch. I emphasise that those who skip lunch come to no harm..
David Robinson

Reply

My sister forwarded this post to me because I have been having problems with my son, age 6, Grade 1. He also belongs to the category of picky eater in addition to being sensitive and shy. Since Grade 1 is now full day (till 3 pm) I tried packing a variety of things for him to eat at snack time and lunch. 2 weeks into school, and the lunch bag comes back home full every single day(even the juice or water comes back full), after which one day I had an emotional outburst.(NOTE, wrong thing to do. Emotional blackmail works for a day and after that back to square one). His Excuse # 1, there is not enough time to finish lunch. Checked the schedules, and nope, that wasn't true. Tried a different type of food everyday. Didn't work. Anything too substantial comes back uneaten. Excuse # 2 -"I didnt see that in the lunch box ! " Excuse # 3 - " I can't concentrate because my friends talk to me".
Personally, I dont think the story about the boys being yucky eaters is the real reason why she isnt eating. Put her next to neat and tidy eaters, and she will find another excuse not to eat. The reasons are probably psychological which you and me cannot begin to understand or interpret.

I try to compensate by paying extra attention to what he eats at home. A good breakfast and a good dinner. Anything that he does eat for lunch, keep repeating that. Somehow, the picky eater does not get bored easily (which is the problem other kids have)- the picky eater is fine with eating the same things every day. Also, I have seen, he seems to prefer simple, bland, small sized foods. So try to find mini sizes of everything. Mini bagels, mini croissants, small slices of fruits, mini yoghurt pots, cheese strings (big hit with my son) etc. Dont give her a completely new lunch every day. If you want to experiment with new items, change one or two items in the box instead of drastically changing the menu. Also dont worry about what the food tastes like. You may think its bland, but adding too many sauces and condiments may turn her off, keep it very simple. A slice of bread with just butter, or plain if she likes it that way.

I am sure all our suggestions on the website wont work (because every child is different), just try experimenting and keep your cool. I also agree with the other writers here who say do not make her sit separately at lunch. Because more than anything in this life, she needs to develop social skills.

Reply

What if you went to school and ate lunch with her one day? That way you would get a first hand view of what is going on, and how bad that table manners are. Maybe it would help her to see an adult eating in the same situation. Or, her teacher could help you be making sure Ellie sits between a couple of her girlfriends. Ellie's attention could be on her friends instead of the gross table manners of others. I know, from personal experience, that getting a teachers help in the lunchroom can be hard. But, don't be afraid to keep voicing your concerns to the school. Lunch is very important and everyone should be concerned when a student isn't eating lunch on a regular basis.

Reply

I don't blame her. When I was little, my lunch food was literally trash. There would be hair and fingernail clippings, and it was icky. So icky.

I remember distinctly that one of my friend's moms had come to eat lunch with her daughter at school (in third grade, this was common) and she had the 'hot meal'.

It was blackish-brown mush with green peas, NOT EVEN COOKED AT ALL. It was still frozen, and there was hair on it. Again.

So Melanie's mom refused to let her eat school cafeteria food again. She seriously had to bring her lunch every day.

Reply