Do you have a strong mommy network?
Categories: Just For Moms, Kids 5-7, Safety, Development
Yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with a group of mothers at Ellie's dance class. We were talking about our children's friends and how difficult it is to talk to another mother when their child has misbehaved while in our homes. The upshot is that nobody wants to tell another parent when their child has done something wrong.
I recently found myself in that situation and Ellie and I both lost a friend over it. It's a long and complicated story, but basically this mother reacted with anger when told her daughter had been involved in some inappropriate behavior while playing at my house. She got mad at me, and in the end decided it would be best if her daughter no longer socialized with Ellie.
Besides the fact that Ellie is hurt and confused over the loss of her friend, it opened my eyes to the fact that this is a mother with whom I can't be honest with when it concerns her daughter. What the girls were up to at my house that day wasn't a huge deal. But someday, it might be. And in my experience, honest communication with other mothers is invaluable as the kids get older and the consequences for bad behavior can be more serious. I want to know that other mothers have my back and that I can talk to them about their children as well.
While this may be an extreme example of what happens when you rat out someone's kid, this is the very reason the dance class mothers say they are hesitant to do so. It can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved, but I think if you really care, you have to do it. What about you? Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Are you honest with other mothers about their children's behavior when at your house? What happens when someone tells you something about your own child's behavior?
I recently found myself in that situation and Ellie and I both lost a friend over it. It's a long and complicated story, but basically this mother reacted with anger when told her daughter had been involved in some inappropriate behavior while playing at my house. She got mad at me, and in the end decided it would be best if her daughter no longer socialized with Ellie.
Besides the fact that Ellie is hurt and confused over the loss of her friend, it opened my eyes to the fact that this is a mother with whom I can't be honest with when it concerns her daughter. What the girls were up to at my house that day wasn't a huge deal. But someday, it might be. And in my experience, honest communication with other mothers is invaluable as the kids get older and the consequences for bad behavior can be more serious. I want to know that other mothers have my back and that I can talk to them about their children as well.
While this may be an extreme example of what happens when you rat out someone's kid, this is the very reason the dance class mothers say they are hesitant to do so. It can be awkward and uncomfortable for everyone involved, but I think if you really care, you have to do it. What about you? Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? Are you honest with other mothers about their children's behavior when at your house? What happens when someone tells you something about your own child's behavior?
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Eva 10-02-2007 @ 2:23PM
I don't really have any experience with this since my kid is still mostly an infant and can do no wrong, and the same with her little toddler buddies, but I'm sorry that incident with the shower curtain turned out like that.
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Amanda 10-02-2007 @ 2:33PM
I've had to tell my brother that his girls were acting up terribly at my house one week. It pained me to tell him that but in the end I think he appreciated me not sugar coating stuff. He, like me expects that if the children are misbehaving then we should be informed so that we can correct the behavior. I was informed by the teacher at my daughter's day care that my daughter was misbehaving and it hurt me to hear that, but I was so glad she told me and I thanked her very much. I went home and talked with my child and we worked through that hurdle, so, until the next time... I thank the daycare ladies everyday for helping instil values in my children since I can't be there all the time. I am like you, I want to be able to talk openly and honestly with people about my kids and theirs!
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Jennifer 10-02-2007 @ 2:34PM
Wow. I would want to be told. I don't have kids yet and I know that I want to be told. Hey, I remember my siblings and me as kids...terrors... If my kids are half as mischievous as we were then I am going to need the extra eyes and ears...
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Kathy 10-02-2007 @ 3:00PM
I'm wrestling with this right now. There was an incident at my house recently and I haven't told the moms of the kids involved but I would like to clear the air, as I'm still quite upset by it. But I do wonder if it'll change our relationship, and it worries me.
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Cate 10-02-2007 @ 3:43PM
Having been a nanny AND a mom I want to be told.
I had to deal with a situation once with one of the little girls that I was a nanny for. She and her friend had been very destructive (I mean cutting things up and covering things with soap) to "frame" a little brother. It upset me a lot to see such destructiveness and frankly meanness from these girls. They are totally good kids normally and it was really upsetting. I made them clean it up and then told both of the parents. It was awkward but they both took it really well and discipline was given.
What I took from that situation was that if something happens, YES, tell the other parent but always frame it in the most diplomatic way possible. With older kids, I make them tell the parent themselves what happened. I figure any parent that gets angry at me for "telling" on their kid is certainly not someone who I want being around my child. Actions have consequences and I think those consequences are part of learning.
I feel bad for Ellie though, for losing her friend.
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Joy 10-02-2007 @ 4:12PM
I kind of had a different situation with my kids friends. I was their playground lady and I was the "nice" one. When they were at my house, they were really well behaved most of the time. I am also one to probably not answer this at all because I tended to not get to worked up over a cracked window from a ball or a broken vase in my living room. I would just give them "that" look and "sigh" and go clean it up. My two boys were good but I felt there was no use crying over spilled milk. I was always asked "didn't that make you mad" and I'd answer "sure but it's still broken". Nothing was done on purpose. Now if you asked me if my kids were EVER late.....I could tirad about that. That was MOMS thing that couldn't be broken. I worried myself silly and you know what, they were never late. I learned you had to pick your fights.
But I would want to know if my kids were naughty but unless it was starting a fire or really hurting some one or something....dangerous...I usually didn't "rat" out. I handled it myself on the spot.
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Uly 10-02-2007 @ 8:23PM
I'd certainly like to know. A few weeks ago, I left the older niece in another woman's care (a friend, not some stranger) while I trekked the younger one to the bathroom.
Two days later, she told me that the girl had given her a real attitude - she told her not to play with the stroller, and she said "I don't SPEAK Spanish, speak ENGLISH" (of course, the entire conversation happened in English).
I was more upset at not having been told as soon as I got back than at the bad behaviour - two days later, I can't exactly give the four year old a time-out over this!
Anybody who doesn't want to hear bad news about their kids ever really should stay with them instead of letting them go visiting alone.
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Linda-Marie Tisdail 10-02-2007 @ 7:29PM
I coached my son's hockey team and I had to tell one of my player's mother that I had to cut him from the team. When she asked why, I told her she needed to ask her son; he would have to explain. She said no, she wanted to hear it from me. So I explained to her the reason her son was being cut was because he was seen at a party selling and using drugs. She thanked me and got him the help he needed. She was always friendly to me when we ran into each other at the rink. I know I would have wanted to know if it was my son that was in trouble.
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tanyetta 10-03-2007 @ 3:38AM
I want to be told. I'm sorry you lost a friend over this. I would think true friendships could last or more time would be invested in trying to work things out. What did the daughter do????
The interesting part is....My son NEVER acts up when i'm NOT around. He is the total opposite. I get reports that he ate all his food, took a nap, went potty without being asked 5 million times and the list goes on.
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Kathy 10-03-2007 @ 6:04AM
That's an interesting point. I think that there are some kids that are angels for other parents but little monkeys at home (my kids), and there are other kids whose parents think are perfect but they sometimes act up outside the house. I'm glad my kids are the former. But it can be very hard to tell a parent that her little angel isn't perfect...I really get the feeling that some parents don't really know their own kids, or they're "conned" by random good manners instead of looking for a good heart. In my case, the girls are in 5th and 6th grade and definitely knew they were doing something wrong.
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Graham 10-09-2007 @ 10:44PM
I think you should be able to tell the parents if there was an incident, but at the same time I have had some people try to spend a long time telling me every little teeny tiny thing that my son did that was just slightly annoying or wrong. That was not necessary. I only need to know the things that were not normal and need to be addressed. If he was just being a clumsy or careless kid and not doing something wrong on purpose, then let it go. It would have to be something really big before I would have the guts to tell another parent about their child's wrongdoings. I feel like the parent probably already knows how the child is and me telling them about one single incident is probably not going to change anything.
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