Study: women in their thirties make better mothers

by Kristin Darguzas (Subscribe to Kristin Darguzas's posts) Oct 31st 2007 10:26AM

I had Nolan a few months after I turned 30. Not old, by any stretch, but certainly not dewy-eyed chick, either. For me, really, it was the perfect age. My twenties were a blurry cocktail of travel, career, and late-night cocktails -- I shudder to think of myself as a Mother at any age prior to around 29-and-a-half.

Even at the age of 30, I was the first of my friends to give birth. Increasingly, it seems, women are waiting until they're established in their careers, find a perfect mate, get rid of all that itch underneath their skin. And a new study published by UK Professor Elizabeth Gregory claims that all this advanced maternal age stuff is actually a very good thing.

Among the reasons Ms. Gregory pinpoints as reasons thirty-somethings make better Mothers? Balance in personal and career goals, financial prowess, better management skills and a stronger network of close friends.

Her reasons certainly resonate with me, though some mornings, when Nolan is flailing on the bathroom floor in a ruckus about wanting to flush the toilet, I wish idly that I'd started birthing at twenty, so I could be off sunbathing on a Greek island in 5 years, with my baby out of the house and on his way to college.

What about you? Do you think your age is a big factor in your ability to parent?

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Comments (267)

Reader Comments (Page 1 of 14)

acm 10-31-2007 @ 10:36AM

well, coming from the other end of the spectrum (giving birth at 40), I can say that I wish I had the energy of 10 (or even 5) years ago, but otherwise my outlook, life balance, sense of priorities, and ability to juggle a million things are all infinitely better developed than they were in my 20s or early 30s, and my Spouse and I have developed a deep sense of trust and mutual reliance that makes it much easier to handle the unexpected crisis. it's hard to imagine that all of that won't make every step easier than it would have seemed. (plus, my big partying days are far enough behind that they won't be missed in this New Phase...)

Jessica 10-31-2007 @ 10:38AM

When I was younger, I used to say that if I was not pregnant by 25, I would get artifically inseminated.

I had my daughter at 29 and it was the perfect age for me. I do believe I am more patient and available at this age. Not that I couldn't, or wouldn't, have stepped up to the plate. Of that I have no doubt. But I had some things of my own to work out. I am glad i didn't follow through with my teenage threat!

Marcia 10-31-2007 @ 11:02AM

I had my daughter a month after my 21st birthday and for me this was a great choice. I already finished college and closed on my house before I got pregnant. I have a great job that offers flexibility that I need. I want to be young enough to enjoy my grandchildren when the time comes. My parents are 39 and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Courtney 10-31-2007 @ 11:13AM

I am 26 and had my oldest when I was 22. I would not wait more years if I had it to do again. I like being young with them. I may have had more patience in 10 years, but patience also came when I had my kids. I am not even 30 and I am done having children. I love the two I have and now I can enjoy them while I'm young and do things later in life also!

Ethel 10-31-2007 @ 11:17AM

It sure is for me - before I was 30 I had no interest in having kids or babies for that matter. Before that time babies were foreign creatures, without appeal. Now that I am older I have an appreciation for the insanity that is a new baby and their constant needs, and the joys and frustrations of toddlers - and the pleasure of increasingly able older kids. I have control over my emotions that I did not have before, and I don't give a s*** about what other people think.

But I also think I make a better wife now then I would have in my 20s too. I am certainly happier now then I was then - and that isn't due to marriage, children or a house - its all age. And happier moms make better moms. Heck, I know my mom was a better mom for my sister and I - in her 30s, then she was for our brothers who she had in her early 20s. No question we got the better mom, even she will admit that she was a better mom. She had the wisdom of being older, and the calm to parse through her own emotions and fears that interfered with parenting.

Kim 10-31-2007 @ 11:32AM

I had my kids at 39 and 41 and would have been a perfectly lousy parent before then. I wasn't interested in having kids, thought breastfeeding was just plain icky, and had no patience. My husband helped with the first and last of those. I got over the middle one on my own!

Kim 10-31-2007 @ 11:33AM

PS I do think being 56 with a 17 year old and a 15 year old is not going to be fun.

Joy 10-31-2007 @ 11:57AM

I had both my boys young, 21. I wanted it that way. My husband is older (17 years) and I loved being young with them. I always wanted children too so maybe that's why. I can't remember a time when I didn't "dream" of the day I would be a Mother. I had energy and really did have fun with my kids. What's really nice is now I'm coming up on 50 in a few months, I have the only 3 grandchildren that I'll ever have and I'm still "spry" enough to (kind of), keep up with them. I couldn't imagine having young kids now. I was much better off doing it the way I did. I lost a lot of my patience somewhere along the way. Grandchildren also do go home.

IvyMae 10-31-2007 @ 1:22PM

I was 22 and 24 when I had my kids, which for me has been perfect. I grew up in a less than ideal situation, so while I would never wish those experiences on other people, I know that I matured faster to get through them. I went to college early, and never felt the urge to be reckless, which is what so many people crave from their 20's. I was done with school when I had my kids, and have a strong network of (admittedly mostly older) friends to help me keep a balance. I guess my point is that, since there is no way to measure maturity, the closest thing we have is age, though we all know that maturity and age are not a=b.

Sabrina 10-31-2007 @ 1:52PM

I was 21 and 22 when I had my kids (yes that sounds bad....I know, but it's not!) and I think I'm doing a perfectly good job of raising them. I think I would have had just as much knowledge of children wether or not I had waited longer. I think I would have had as much or more trouble adjusting to a new, child-centered life. I do sort of lament not having been married to my husband for any length of time without children, but I think it's something to look forward to in our future. Childless couples can do more, but we'll travel and go out to nice dinners and all of that when we're in our late 40's, with a bit more common sense (hopefully) and a very good idea of what has the most meaning for us. I'm glad I have the energy to stay up all night long with two sick toddlers and still clean my kitchen the next morning. I think that if I were older I might not have the energy. I also wonder if the transition from a me-centered life to a child-centered one would have been more difficult if I had lived an additional 8-10 years of it. Ehh, suffice to say I'm happy, my husband and kids are happy, and we're all doing well!

SKL 10-31-2007 @ 2:55PM

I would agree that better management skills and maturity make up for the reduction in energy and tolerance as we age. When I was a teen, I spent most of my time being responsible for young kids - siblings and/or kids I babysat full-time. I loved it and always looked forward to being a mom, the sooner the better. As it turns out, I recently became a "first-time mom" at 41. I think I would have been a great mom whether I started at 18 or 41 - but then, I'm one of those people who have always had a very strong maternal instinct. I think the perfect age to have kids - if there is one - depends on the individual and her relationships.

Monica 10-31-2007 @ 5:27PM

I was 22 and 23 when my kids were born. We've had some tough years, worked through a divorce and custody battles, had the expected ups and downs, but they're now 18 and 17 and things are amazing.

Looking back I have no idea how I did it, but they're amazing kids and we have a great relationship. Lately they're both showing such maturity and reaching a little out of their comfort zone. My son the ultra independant one has decided to live at home while attending university, his goal is to graduate debt free and he's willing to sacrifice a little freedom now for the greater freedom later. My daughter who has always been far more responsible than her brother, but more of a home body has decided to venture several hours away and live on campus at a university with a fabulous chemistry program. She's taking a risk, knowing that the sub stream that she wants 2nd year is in very high demand and she's going to have to work like crazy to win a spot. I'm ridiculously proud of them both.

I also love the relationship they have with each other. They're helping each other with homework, going for coffee dates together or just hanging out and watching movies. I have a difficult relationship with my brother, so it makes me very happy to see how well they get along together.

sherry 10-31-2007 @ 11:51PM

I think that no matter what age you have children there are always positives and negatives to go along with it.

I had my first at 33 and my second at 36. Since I didn't have any in my 20's I can't say how it would compare. I do find that after the second one everything became much harder and more tiring, but I think that has less to do with age and more to do with being exhausted from dealing with two kids, not just one.

Southerncharm 11-02-2007 @ 12:17AM

I had my first child two weeks before my 19th birthday and second child at age 21. My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs. We are 36yrs old and our oldest is graduating high school this year and heading off to the Air Force. My youngest is a freshman in high school and will start driving next year. I would do it over in a heartbeat! I am so glad I had children while we were young. I can actually sleep in on the weekends or go to the store without dragging out the kiddos (unless they want to come with me). I enjoyed them being small and all the time we spent together and still do spend together as a family, but I also totally enjoy being young and now pretty much free to do other things. :-)

Angie 11-04-2007 @ 6:25AM

I found out I was pregnant with my third child at age 40...at the time I wasn't even sure you could pregnant at that age. I was very afraid!! I had two teens at the time and couldn't imagine having another child. But Joey, who is 9 years old now, has been the biggest blessing of our lives...no empty nest syndrome when my other children became all grown up. We are doing the lost teeth, elementary school plays and little league sports again and having a blast!! This time around, I am much more tuned in to what my child really needs and since I've been through all the "firsts" already, I can really enjoy this child and this time in my life. Going through menopause with a 9 year old was a challenge, but I hardly noticed it because I was so busy with him! Now when I'm in my late 50s and he's learning to drive, that may be a different story!

Raquel 11-04-2007 @ 6:49AM

I gave birth at twenty, and I do a better job than some of the Moms I see at my son's daycare. They leave their kids in the car unattended, don't make them wear seatbelts, baby them, and not to mention they dress them like they're babies until they're 3 and 4 years old. So I really have to disagree. Having babies at 40+ does those kids no justice. You're going to be 58 when your kids graduate?

Elizabeth 11-04-2007 @ 7:10AM

I had 4 children before I was 30, with the first one being born one month after I turned 21. I "thought" I was an excellent mother until I had my 5th. He came into my life when I was 37 and it AMAZES me how much better of a mother I am now! I definitely spend more time feeling wonderful about this little guy and so much more at ease and confident with my mothering skills. I agree with this article totally; however, just having children is a blessing, so whenever they come into your life is well worth doing your very best at every single moment! :-)

Emily 11-04-2007 @ 7:20AM

I agree. These days people in thee twentys are more like teenagers. 30 is the new 20. A twenty year old woman in 1950 or 1960 was expected to be an adult. Today mosr 20 year olds are still in school and living at home. It just takes longer to get established these days.
I adopted my daughter at the age of 37. I feel I brought more patience and life experience to my parenting but much less energy.

Terry 11-04-2007 @ 7:39AM

Being 55 with 19 and 16 year old boys is wonderful. When they were younger and I was in my 40s, I started biking, swimming, playing baseball and learning to ski, etc. with them all over again. My energy is great, and of course, they hardly ever do those things with me now, but I'm still doing them and that's great for my health. I spent my 20s on education, career, traveling and my share of parties -- I think having experienced that made me a calmer, better mother with them, with emotional space to focus on their needs. I would have worked at being a good mother in my 20s, but I would have felt conflicted and have had to deal with that. I knew I wanted kids but not then. And they are great, happy kids. On the other hand, my sister had children in her 20s, and though it was hard, by 40 she was free with a second career. It's 6 of 1, or a 1/2 dozen!

Lynn 11-04-2007 @ 7:32AM

One big concern with giving birth at a more 'advanced' age is the increased likelihood of there being problems with getting pregnant (which leads to the use of drugs and invasive procedures), problems for the mother during the pregnancy, problems with maintaining the pregnancy, problems during the actual birth itself, problems with premature and low birth weight, and problems with the baby (increased likelihood of some sort of birth defect or learning disability: anything from a speech and language delay, which negatively impacts future reading ability to the drastic increase in the likelihood of your child having a chromosome abnormality such as Down Syndrome, etc.) A woman's eggs are as old as she is, and past the age of 35, a woman is considered a "geriatric" pregnancy for these very reasons. Not too many years ago, doctors were quite vocal about warning against having a baby after 35, but today they seem to keep this medical knowledge to themselves.

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