Happily married with children, but living apart

Why bother being married? These arrangements are fine, to each their own, whatever works for you socially and sexually. There are plenty of times that I'd like my own space sans spouse. However, at those times I remember all of the joy that he brings to me and the life that we share. We were all single once, it had its benefits. People can raise children without being married, no problem. But why actually get married if you want to maintain the single or dating lifestyle??? Unless these are largely marriages for legal convenience?

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I think this is odd, but (and I was planning to use this phrase even before reading the previous post) to each his own.

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Meh. My parents lived apart but were together for a couple years. Mom got a great job opportunity in another province but Dad needed to maintain his job. We lived with Mom and my Dad drove over every weekend. For the amount of time I really interacted with my Dad at home, it was really no different than when we were all under one roof all the time. In fact, I'd say we had more time together since he wasn't working at all on those weekends or doing stuff outside.

And, if I had unlimited resources, I'd love to have my own place. In my fantasy, my husband and I could share halves of a duplex. Then I could decorate in my style, keep the thermostat at my level, etc. And I think alone time is good for us, and in our little place, alone time is hard to find.

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My father is currently moving home after living away for 14 years. It started when he couldn't find a job in our area, and found one in a different state. My mom is a teacher, and would lose out on retirement years if she moved with him. I was in middle school at the time. When he moved the next time, it was within my state, however, I was about to start my senior year of high school, and the parents didn't want to disrupt me. He moved out of state again after a few years, and so the status quo. However, my father, even living from 3-5 hours from us, was at more ballgames and school functions that were most parents. I am out of the house, however, it is going to be a huge adjustment for my mom, dad, and 17 year old sis to adjust to living together. I have a hunch that the census results are more from families like my parents, who had separate residences for financial reasons, than ones like the family profiled. Also, it's hard for me to see the difference in couples doing what my parents did, and my husbands parents (consultant who worked 42 weeks a year out of town), and truck drivers, airplane pilots, etc. that spend an extreme amount of time out of the home.

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I understand it in theory -- that you like time together, want to be part of each other's lives long-term and exclusively (as answer to Nicola), but for some reason find that keeping separate houses eliminates a major zone of potential conflict (be it mess, decorating, internal clocks, personal space, or just being set in different ways). However, that's *not* what I personally want -- I'd be really bummed if I couldn't just chat casually about my day with Spouse, as well as make the myriad jokes, self-deprecations, and last-minute accomodations that make life run smoothly for both of us. But whatever works, as long as it's really working for both.

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No problem with me! My husband lives and works in a large metropolitan area 4 weekdays, while I live with the kids in a lovely small town two hours away. He is here every weekend, and we chat by webcam most other nights. Works great for us!

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I could do that... maybe not across town, but a duplex situation. Perhaps a conjoined bedroom and dining rooms, but each half of the house being the other's territory.

There's no reason one couldn't visit the other's half, as long as they didn't criticise or change anything.

As a musician, I'd quite like that, actually.

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Eric...will you marry me?! :D

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Absolutly....I'd love it.

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My husband and I have lived apart for fully half of our marrage... not because we wanted to. The military wasn't keen on co-location, and he lived in San Diego while I lived (with the kids) in Maryland. We're about to spend another 4 months apart while he's in school and I'm finishing mine. There are plenty of military families that do this, mostly because the dependants are either not included on the orders or it's just plain easier to move every two years (cost of living, school, family, there are a myriad of reasons).

Personally, I hate it. I think maintaining separate living quarters for decorating convienence is shallow, superficial, and selfish. If you can't agree on the little things (style of decor), one person gets the living room and the other the kitchen. Marriage is about comprimise.

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My husband and I have both served in the military, and we've spent 2/5 of our marriage apart. It sucks. For us, there's a closeness we lose when we aren't living together, and, when we recombine, there's a lot of awkwardness there.

To each his/her own, but I've lived it, and, to me, it's miserable.

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My husband and I have been married about 31-1/2 years. For about the past 10 years we have slept in different bedrooms on different floors of the house.

This actually started when he stomped off one night because I was in bed watching tv. I am a night owl, he is an early bird. He also HATES tv. That first night was one of the best nights of sleep I'd had in years. He didn't seem too unhappy himself. He just continued sleeping downstairs, eventually moving all his clothes, etc. down there. We have continued sleeping that way ever since. As for our sex life.... you can always commute....

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"Let there be spaces in your togetherness" (but maybe not quite that much space). However, far be it from me to criticize another's personal decisions.

Right now, I have an almost ideal situation - my very own tiny room. My husband is a t.v. addict; I'm not. I'm wrapped up in reading, music, and my computer. I do all of our "paperwork" as well.

I can keep this little space organized and comfortable. He has the living room and if he wants to watch a Babylon V marathon, I don't have to grit my teeth smile sweetly, and pretend to enjoy watching the same show for the 5th time.

He doesn't have to listen to the tapping, tapping of my fingers on the keyboard and pretend to be interested in what I'm doing. Or watch Tosca with me for the 5th time.

The kitchen, bath, and bedroom are common ground.

Now that there are just the two of us, it works quite well.

But separate living arrangements if it weren't a necessity? For us, probably not.

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I couldn't live without my husband. We may be almost polar opposites, but we like to live together and share the same home. I understand those couples who can't for financial reasons (or military families, my heart goes out to you!) but I know I could never do it.

I did read the other story a bit closer, and I wonder if age has anything to do with this decision. The father is in his late 60s, and this is his 3rd marriage. In that context, I suppose it's a little more understandable than if this were a pair of 30-somethings just doing their own thing.

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I agree with waterbug24, the people I have known who do this have done this for reasons similar to her parents. My dad commuted 1.5 to 2 hours each way for over 12 years. (He worked very near home, then that factory was closed, then the next one he worked at, then the next. He spent time laid off and was lucky to get the job he did, even though it was so far away.) He worked long hours and shifts and with all the travelling was just miserable.

My parents never moved because my mom had a job near home and they had 4 kids at various stages in school. Someone was always at a "critical stage". No one wanted to uproot the family, although it was seriously discussed several times. And before you say he should have gotten another job, he was lucky to have the one he had. He's in a steel job, they are few and far between, and at his age he is unlikely to find another job that pays anything near what he makes there.

After several scares while driving too tired a year or so ago he rented a small apartment to sleep in when doing swing shifts etc because it ended up cheaper than a hotel. He no longer has kids in high school sports etc. so now just stays there while he is working and comes home on his days off. He's nearing retriement, so for him it is the best (and safest) way to get through to his pension.

I have an aunt who also once lived apart from my uncle for a couple years for work, she came home on weekends.

Like waterbug, I think a majority of the cases are probably more for necessity rather than decor etc.

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My aunt and uncle do this. There are no children, though. They were Common Law married and only decided to legally marry for tax reasons. They live on 50 acres in East Tennessee and have two houses, close together, on the property. It works very well for them. I think it is great when someone knows what they want/need and actually goes for it rather than conforming to what is socially acceptable or known.

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For the last few years my son and I live in different states due to my employment. The rest of the year I am out of state usually every other week (sometimes more) Fortunately I have an understanding husband. I think he likes being a "bachelor" for that time.

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My husband and I do this because the schools where he is currently assigned for work are horrible and where our child is the school is in the top 20 in the state. We live close to the gulf coast and I know many families who have husbands who work off shore. We see each other about as many days a year as they do. I guess it doesn't seem so strange with many other families here doing that.

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These people don't have a single/dating lifestyle, as at least one other commenter has suggested. They have a family lifestyle. My dad managed to live with us without really living with us for years. This dad may actually spend more time with his kids than most. My greater point here is that sharing a living space is not the same thing as sharing a life. Some people live together and don't share a life. Some share a life while living apart. It's not really that hard a concept.

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