Split families and the holidays

This year it will be Thanksgiving at my moms. My mother in law will also be attending.
Hannukah at mother in laws... although that might be just my husband and daughter again this year depending on how business is. Christmas is at my moms. My father in law and step mother in law are currently living out of the states. And what cousins etc we have, we arent close with. Family has fallen apart over the last few years, even though we all live in the same state. It saddens me somewhat. But at the same time will make moving away that much easier.

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We have typically gone for one of the holidays to visit my In Laws - either heading all the way to Wyoming or meeting in the middle at my Brother-In-Law's house in Missouri. This year, though, we made a decision to stay home. It's been chaotic enough to fly during those seasons pre-baby. I have no intention to make that travel with an infant.

My BIL and his family have made the same decision, they are not going to travel during the peak season with two children under the age of five.

My extended family lives close, so we will spend some time with them, but are going to try to figure out what family traditions WE want to begin.

Bottom line is that you are a new family. You carry the past with you, but you also need to establish what your future will be. (my opinion, of course)

For us it took a very frank conversation over the summer saying that we would not travel for the holidays. For other's it may be a compromise or negotiation. Good luck with your decision.

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You are a very wise woman!! How lucky for your son that you've figured out "we don't do holiday travel with kids" for his very first holiday season!

Usually, the families with the kids eventually realize that the travel makes for a bad holiday season for them and it gets too complicated/difficult/expensive, so they stop doing it.

Invite whomever you would like to your place for the meal and offer to look up some nearby places for them to stay. Be careful of offering your own place for lodging, as this can cause hard feelings about who gets to stay with you and who has to shell out for a hotel/condo.

If you let people know that they're welcome to visit you, it gets them thinking about what a hassle travel can be. It's often worth it, but I have found that when the onus of travel is on the other person, they learn a little bit and don't expect/demand that you come to them all of the time.

We lived in Georgia, 1/2 hour off of I-95, the route that all of our friends and relatives would take from NY/NJ to Florida. The invitation was always extended, but some people had the nerve to say, "Oh, but we're on our *vacation*." Excuse me, but what do they think we were on when we came up there to visit?? Did they think we had all of this free family-visiting time and vacation time also??? Apparently, they did. And we were just looking for dinner and a sleepover on their way down/up. Our entire vacation was spent traipsing all over NJ, visiting friends and relatives.

Ahem. I thought I was over that! These days, we take regular family vacations, people can visit us and we make it back home every few years, when we're homeless because of another move.

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I second the sentiment that it is time to start your own family traditions. For us, we're the ones who moved away, and the rest of both of our families live where we grew up. But it's hard for us to get back there when we have to factor in weather and work commitments.

So, we host Thanksgiving and Christmas here. Anyone who wants to come is more than welcome. We have plenty of couches and floor space, and even a nice hotel in town, and it turns into a big party. Even if people don't come to visit, we celebrate on our own.

To solve the "everyone wants to see the new baby" problem, we pushed (hard) for family reunions on both sides of the family to take place over the summer, when it's easier to travel. Both families, fortunately, have adopted this new tradition, so we get to see everyone, just without the massive pile of Christmas presents.

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There comes a time when you have to start making your own traditions for your own child. This Christmas on the Road thing can't go on forever.

Stand your ground. Tell them that you're having Christmas at your house and of course they're invited. You can make roadtrips at other times during the year, but it's time to start building memories for your child.

Good luck!!!

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I didn't mention this before, but wanted to second what LS said. Start other traditions to spend time with the other families.

My wife's family does a long weekend in the middle of the summer and call it our own Christmas in July. No gift giving, just spending quality time catching up and hainging out with the whole gang. Seems that three of us had the same idea at the same time. We meet centrally to everyone where there are two family houses close together.

The first year I was nervous about how it would all happen, partly becuase I had pushed for it. It was briliant and has become the highlight of our summer.

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Years ago, when my kids were little, I lived in the same town as my inlaws and, not only the holidays, but almost every Sunday involved dinner at their house.

And yes, I offered to host, but flying in the face of tradition is hard.

Once I moved and my kids were grown, the kids who lived here in town came to my house. I had up to 25 people each year Now most of their kids are grown (except for my older son who started over again with two more little ones). This Thanksgiving for the first time my husband, my youngest son, and I are invited out. I'll do Christmas dinner by popular request. My older son will be home on leave - he can do the ham and mashed potatoes; I'll do the rest.

It reached the point at Thanksgiving where it seemed the kids (except for my youngest who is single) and their kida showed up out of duty. I decided I didn't want to turn into my mother-in-law and have my gang say "darn it it's T'giving again, we have to go to grandma's" when they'd rather be doing anything else.

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As a fairly new mother and wife myself, who has to deal with four sets of parents, i can easily relate.
It will always be a case of someone will get their feelings hurt due to us not being able to separate into four different beings to appease everyone. But we have tried to arrange it so that we can see at least two of the four *pairs* of parents at Thanksgiving and Christmas. As more children come along, having the holiday at our house is just more sensible not only for financial reasons, but for the ease of having one person travel versus a family of 4 or more.
Hope your holiday is enjoyable regardless of the who,what, where, when and how involved :)

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